When I walk through the front door of my flat that evening, I feel so tired that all I can do is collapse on the sofa. Too bad that, thanks to my sore bottom, I have to limp over to it first – an unwelcome side effect of the long ride and my stuntman style fall.
“You okay?” asks Laura, raising an eyebrow suspiciously.
“Not really, but thanks for asking,” I answer with a smile. Fortunately I can still smile.
“Vera's out,” she informs me, “but there's no way I can wait for her to get back. Come on, then – tell me everything. Everything!”
“I haven't got the energy, honestly,” I say, sprawling out on the sofa.
She throws a pillow at my face. “Oh, please! I need to know what happened! There's nothing in the paper,” she moans.
“Thank God!” I retort. Really, all I need is photos of my humiliation… “Alright then, what do you want to know?” I ask, giving in to her curiosity.
“Everything! Everything!” she says, jumping up and down.
“Keep still, for God's sake – my bum is killing me,” I say.
“Why?” she asks.
“Because I fell off a horse,” I admit, dispiritedly.
“And what were you doing on a horse?” she laughs. To be honest, I don't really look like an Amazon.
“I was trying to save a pheasant,” I reply seriously. Vera looks more and more incredulous.
“And did you save it?”
I nod proudly. “Of course. It cost me my backside but it was worth it.”
“Sounds like an interesting weekend,” she says. I pull myself up to see her better. “You have no idea.”
“Aren't you going to give me any more juicy details, then?”
“What, me falling off a horse not interesting enough for you?” I ask. Laura gives me a sceptical look. “Alright, alright! I'll give you a brief summary,” I surrender. “Let's see… The castle is huge, unbelievable, and full of servants who all worship Ian. Ah, his family aren't very happy about the fact that he doesn't work in one of their companies, and to top it off, they put us in the same room.”
Here Laura's face becomes a mask of amazement and enthusiasm.
“Sit! Bad dog!” I stop her immediately, “Nothing happened. Oh God, maybe not absolutely nothing, but still nothing.”
Hmmm. Maybe I should have left this part out.
“Jenny!” shrieks Laura, “I want to know.”
“We just kissed,” I say hastily, “and it was an emergency.”
“Yeah, yeah, keep telling yourself that – all you seem to do is kiss him!” says my friend, sounding annoyed. I sit up with a serious face and cross my arms. “Can I go on?” I ask. She nods.
“So, where was I? Ah, yes… there were a few kisses, and then Ian had a massive row with his grandfather, started drinking, and got so out of if that he spent all the next day in bed. So I had to attend the hunt in his place and save those poor animals.”
“Good thing you were there,” whispers Laura.
“There's something that I haven't told you,” I confess, “there's a Porsche parked outside our flat.”
“What?” she shouts in astonishment.
“The idiot was still in such a state when I got back from the wars that I had to drive his car to London.”
“And he let you?”
I chuckle with satisfaction. “It's not like he had much of a choice, he could barely stand up. He was far too sick to cause any problems. He has some sort of weird posh person insurance too, so that wasn't a problem. And the trip was almost pleasant – well, it was very, very quiet at least. Apart from the groans of pain.”
“Poor Ian—” says Laura compassionately.
“Poor Ian? That idiot? Getting himself into the state he did… I hope he feels awful!” I say angrily, my voice getting louder. Really, Ian will have to perform a miracle to make amends for this terrible weekend.
“Anyway, tell me, what were the kisses like?” she asks dreamily, returning to the only point she really cares about.
“Laura Durrell! Stop asking questions like that right now!” I snap – perhaps I'm going a bit over the top, but I can't let my friends get weird ideas about things that don't exist.
“Stop asking questions like what?” asks Vera, arriving at that moment.
“She won't tell me anything about the kisses!” pouts Laura, adorably.
“What, are we already at plurals?” says Vera, with a sly smile. “Darling, you know what the rules are! Tell all about the kisses.”
We're in the habit of analysing each of our first kisses. We're all convinced that you can already tell how a relationship will go from them. In fact, I should never have gone out with Charles after the first one: it was horrible – far too slobbery and with too much tongue.
“But I'm not going out with Ian!” I say, trying to convince them. “They're just pretend kisses, they don't count!”
“Doesn't matter, they're still kisses,” says Vera seriously.
“You two are a pair of pains!” I moan, but I give in. “Anyway, let's just say that despite not being real they were actually pretty good kisses,” I admit, blushing.
Laura bursts out laughing. “Not bad?! Sweetheart, you've gone bright red just at the thought of them.”
“And how long did they go on for?” asks Vera, sounding like a policewoman.
“Altogether? A quarter of an hour, maybe…” And at this they both open their mouths in shock. Maybe I shouldn't have admitted that. Ok, I definitely shouldn't have admitted that.
“We got a little carried away,” I say through clenched teeth as I hug the cushion to my chest.
“He must be a pretty decent kisser, though… I mean, for you to be going along with it all that time…” says Vera, sarcastically.
“Do I really have to answer?” I ask. They look at me like a couple of vultures. “Ok – he's a very, very, very good kisser! Satisfied now?” It was obvious that he was a good kisser, they didn't need me to confirm that for them: he must have kissed half of London, so he's definitely not lacking training.
“Someone had to make you admit it,” points out Laura. “The truth above all.”
“If you two have finished analysing me, I'd like to go and have a shower,” I mutter, getting up from the sofa with difficulty. My bottom is getting sorer by the minute and so my departure from the lounge isn't a particularly dignified one.
“Why is she limping?” Vera asks Laura.
“She fell off a horse trying to save a pheasant,” I hear Laura reply.
And they both burst into raucous laughter. If I weren't in such a state, I'd hobble back in and kill the pair of them.