INFLUENCING THE
IMPRESSIONABLE
I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother . . . and in your mother . . . and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.
—2 TIMOTHY 1:5
Wise counsel to the younger is the duty of the aged.
—UNKNOWN
A new generation of caregivers takes control of kids,” read a Washington Post headline in 2010. The article, based on a 2007 Pew Research Center study, reported that one in ten children in the United States now lives with a grandparent. In today’s world with all the controversy over Medicare, senior citizens, social security, and struggling to find caregivers for the aged, this is a breathtaking reversal in roles. Multiple reasons are cited for this remarkable statistic: parents losing their jobs and having to leave home to find work, parents on active military duty, parents incarcerated, orphaned children, court injunctions against drug-addicted parents, single parents battling life-threatening diseases, teen pregnancy, and the list goes on. A subhead in the article shouted, “Grandparents to the rescue!”
The stories are startling: One grandmother reported finding her two-month-old grandson on her doorstep when she responded to a knock at the door at 3:00 a.m. He had been left there by her drug-addicted daughter. A grandfather was asked if he resented his retirement being interrupted by having to raise his young grandchildren due to their parents’ deaths in an automobile accident. He said, “It is my duty. I certainly don’t want strangers raising my son’s children. Besides, what are grandparents for?” Some grandparents resent the intrusion; others see it as a blessing and are grateful for the opportunity to provide stability in the midst of emotional trauma difficult for any youth to cope with. For some grandparents, there is a tremendous financial hardship that accompanies their new role. Many live on meager incomes and cannot return to work for myriad reasons.1
One hundred years ago, similar conditions would not have presented the same challenges. Multigenerational homes were common, particularly in farm communities that were the backbone of our nation. Society did not look down on homesteads where the grandparents lived with a married child and spouse and their several children. They all sat around the dinner table daily having collectively worked the farm, maintained household chores, and prepared the meals. Everyone pitched in. Then they would all retreat to the front porch in the cool of the evening or gather around the fireplace to keep warm in the winter. They would laugh, share stories, and plan to do it all again the next day. Children saw their parents respecting their grandparents, an example that taught honor toward the elderly. The grandparents were grateful both for the hustle and bustle of youth and for the opportunity to support and guide their adult children in parenting. Many from the older generation often said that it increased their vitality and zest for life. While not every family situation was that picturesque, multigenerational homes weren’t a bad concept. Strong family ties grew strong, reliable character, and I believe young people who know nothing of that era have missed out on important lessons.
My point is that grandparents and great-grandparents today often dismiss the importance of their family role. Respect must be earned and given. While society has belittled the impact of the older generations, the elderly have too easily relinquished their roles without much thought. The Bible tells us to care for our family members, especially our immediate families (1 Timothy 5:8). The example must start with those who have lived the longest. Some may say that the elderly are no longer relevant in society, but that doesn’t mean we should take a backseat. When the family is destroyed, society eventually disintegrates. Our nation is experiencing this today. A dear friend said one day, “It’s time we let the young people lead. We had our day. We did it our way. Now it’s their turn.”
I am grateful that my children were influenced by their grandparents. My father died when my children were quite young, and my mother lived two hours away, but the children often visited her until her death in 1981. The children, however, grew up in walking distance of Ruth’s parents. They spent much time with my children and made a profound impact in the lives of each. Dr. Bell entertained them with his stories about time spent in China as a missionary doctor. When he got to the gory details, Ruth’s mother would scold him for saying such things. The children would laugh with delight, coaxing their grandfather to continue. They still talk about it today. They also refer often to the strength they still draw from their grandparents’ experiences and wisdom. After all, it is part of their heritage, and they have passed it on to their children and grandchildren. This is a lasting legacy.
I realize that this is not everyone’s story. There are many who have never known the love of home and family. Many have dark stories of abuse and an overwhelming lack of love and acceptance. Society seems to lose more ground with each passing generation. An elderly couple admitted they had “no earthly idea” how to influence their teenage grandchildren—they simply could not relate to them. In response, I believe that is, perhaps, the problem—we are looking for an earthly solution. We should, instead, try looking into God’s Word. That’s where we will find the answers.
Peer pressure is a very real thing that impacts individuals and their influence. The Bible says,
If you speak good words rather than worthless ones,
you will be my spokesman.
You must influence them;
do not let them influence you! (Jeremiah 15:19 NLT)
In my day boys felt the peer pressure to smoke. My children’s generation felt strong pressure to experiment with drugs. My grandchildren’s generation has been assaulted with promiscuous sex at nearly every age and level of society. Because the Word of God has been absent from our public school system for decades, and because families have virtually stopped attending church together, there are only shades of godly influence that instruct them to live moral lives and reverence God.
It is striking to read how the young are influencing the elderly. One rather young grandmother made excuses for living with a man. She said, “My granddaughter thinks I’m very cool.” This is a far cry from life on the farm when a granddaughter would gain insight from a loving grandmother’s instruction to “teach what is good” (Titus 2:3). The older generation should be looking for ways to encourage the younger because they are constantly bombarded with wrong teaching, poor examples, and pressure tactics.
A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked, “What is the best thing about being 104?” She simply replied, “No peer pressure.” This may bring a smile because there is so much truth in it. As the old grow older, we are more likely to forget what it was to be young and impressionable.
George Beverly Shea enjoys life at 102. He considers me his younger friend. Those who are blessed with living a healthy and full life for a century and counting are in a class all their own. Many often ask why Bev can so effectively connect with the young. I believe the reason is that Bev embraces his age with grace and humor and people are drawn to that authenticity. They are invigorated by his good spirit and his testimony to what the Lord Jesus means to him. He doesn’t try to redress his beliefs in order to be accepted by those younger than him. And I find it interesting how many young people visit him and ask him to play the organ. We, the older generation, often sell young people short by giving them what we think they want instead of sharing our experiences. To us, our experiences are old news. To the young, it is information they have never heard and considered. Stanford University held a forum a decade ago on aging and invited young people to participate in the discussion. The question: “Why is aging a young person’s issue?”2 One student reportedly responded, “Because we’re all on the same journey, and I’d like to know what others learned along the way.”
What a privilege we have to prepare the way for those who are watching. Do we really take this to heart? We are allowing Satan to snuff out our influence by making us think that no one really cares. In writing this book, I was given comments that were found on a blog from young people discussing the difference between the young and old generations. It stated, “We need both generations in society for what they contribute. The younger one questions, challenges, and sparks change; the older one puts on the brakes sometimes, providing the wisdom of experience [that can help us make wise decisions for our lives].”3
While this may not represent all younger generations, it does reveal that not all of them resist hearing from their elders. The question we are faced with is, are we shunning the opportunities that come our way to be an influence for good, or are we being irresponsible in our encounters with those who may take to heart what we have to contribute? The Bible instructs generations to pass on what has been learned. Our youth need to say with the psalmist,
We have heard with our ears, O God,
Our fathers have told us,
The deeds You did in their days,
In days of old. (Psalm 44:1 NKJV)
Long after you are gone, what will your children and grandchildren remember about you? Sometimes the elderly miss their opportunities. They are too engrossed in their ailments and can be solely responsible for running people off—even grandchildren.
Some time ago a young man wrote to me and said, “I wish I could say I have good memories of my grandmother, but all I remember about her is that she seemed very old, and she was always grumbling and complaining about everything.” Another wrote, “My grandfather always made our visits fun, but after we left we would never hear from him.” A disheartened daughter stated, “My parents are so wrapped up in themselves that all they’ve been interested in since they retired is having a good time. I wonder if I’ll be like that when I get older. I hope not.”
I hope not, too, because this is not the way God wants us to spend our latter years. Complaining, being unengaged or self-indulgent—what kind of impression are these attitudes sure to make on those who follow us? What will they remember about us if we are like this? More important, what do these attitudes teach them about life and how it ought to be lived? The answer is: very little, and nothing that is good.
But God doesn’t want us to waste our latter years or spend them in superficial, meaningless pursuits. Instead He wants us to use them in whatever ways we can to influence those who will come after us. God wants us to finish well—and one of the ways we do this is by passing on our values and our faith to those who will follow us.
LEAVING A LEGACY
Our children are not like computers; we can’t program them so they will always do exactly what we want them to do or turn out exactly the way we wish they would. It is one of life’s mysteries: two children can be brought up in the same family and in the same way yet turn out to be exact opposites as they grow older. Parents know every child is different, and even with the best training, some children may reject our efforts to guide them. The best we can do is provide the right environment—love them and train them and pray for them and provide them the tools they will need to make wise decisions as they grow older. We do this both by our teaching and by our example—in other words, both by what we say and by what we do.
As parents we have a direct influence on our children; later on our influence on our grandchildren probably will be much less direct. Sometimes this isn’t the case, of course; due to death or divorce or some other situation, grandparents may have to step in and assume the role of parents. But by and large our opportunities to influence both our own children and our grandchildren fade as we grow older.
But that does not mean we don’t have any influence on them—because we do. Nor does it mean our influence is insignificant—because it isn’t. In fact, it may turn out to be one of the most important things we will ever do. Even if we don’t have grandchildren or if we are childless or single, we still have an important and unique legacy to pass on to the next generation—and beyond. They are observing us, and they will learn from our lives.
Think about it a moment: How will they learn about the realities of old age and how to cope with them? Or how will they learn about the importance of building their lives on a strong foundation of faith in Christ and His Word? Or how will they discover the difference that Christ can make in someone’s life, especially as they grow older? The answer is obvious: they will learn these things by observing those who are already older.
Our Greatest Legacy
The greatest legacy you can pass on to your children and grandchildren is not your money or the other material things you have accumulated in life. The greatest legacy you can pass on to them is the legacy of your character and your faith. The same is true for other young people who know us and observe us even if they aren’t related to us.
This, after all, is what our grandchildren and others who knew us will remember about us after we are gone—for better or for worse. If our character is bad, marked by greed or thoughtlessness or anger or bitterness or selfishness or irresponsibility or a lack of integrity or any other negative quality, this is how we will be remembered. But if our character and integrity have been shaped by Christ over the years, they can’t help but see this and remember it.
Why is faith our greatest legacy? Because the memory of what we were like—not just our personalities but our character and our faith—has the potential to influence others for Christ.
My parents had a profound impact on me. My mother’s kind and gentle character and concern for the spiritual welfare of others are reaping fruit still today. Although her formal education was limited, she loved the Bible and spent a great deal of time teaching the Bible to others. I recall also with deep gratitude my father’s example of honesty, integrity, discipline, and hard work.
I remember as a young man observing an older couple who lived in our community. They enjoyed one another’s company, never realizing the impact they were making on those watching from afar. Over the years countless others have influenced me and changed me by the examples of their lives—although I am sure they were unaware of it. The same has probably been true of people in your life. Our greatest impact on others often comes not from what we say but from what we do.
Our Greatest Hope
What is your greatest hope for your children and grandchildren (and for others outside your family who are part of the next generation)? Is it that they will become men and women of compassion, honesty, morality, responsibility, selflessness, loyalty, discipline, and sacrifice? Your hope should be that they will become men and women of faith, trusting Jesus Christ as their Savior and seeking to follow Him as the Master of their lives every day.
While we cannot make this decision for others, we can show them the way by being an example of Christ’s love and of His power to transform every life that is submitted to Him.
A word of caution, however, is in order here. We cannot pretend to be something we are not; a Christlike character cannot be faked. If Christ is not real to us or if we haven’t learned to walk with Him and submit our lives to Him every day, then our spiritual impact on those who follow us will be far less than it might have been. Young people are very sensitive to hypocrisy; if they sense it in us, they will dismiss our pretenses and pay no attention to our advice. On the other hand, if they can sense our faith is sincere and our love is authentic, then they will respect us and take us seriously (even when they know we are not perfect).
This is why it is important to begin building our lives on the solid foundation of Jesus Christ now, instead of waiting until it is too late and the problems of old age overwhelm us. Every gardener knows that mature fruit does not appear overnight. It takes time to grow—and so does the fruit of the Spirit in our lives. The Bible urges us to “be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:4).
BRIDGING THE GAP
In practical terms how can we impact those who may be separated from us by as much as four or five decades, or thousands of miles? Over the years Ruth and I tried to follow several practices in our relationships with our grandchildren (and now great-grandchildren—forty-three in number, as I write this)—although I know we weren’t perfect. Perhaps they will be helpful to you.
Pray consistently for your family. God knows their needs far better than you do, and He “is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20). God is able to do what we cannot do, especially within our families. We have all heard the old expression, “Out of sight, out of mind.” Don’t let that be true of your family; pray for them regularly.
Don’t pray only in general terms (the kind of prayer that vaguely asks God to bless them). Make your prayers specific, and make them daily. Pray not only that God will keep them safe but that He will guard them from the temptations and evils that assail young people today. Pray that God will give them a desire to do what is right and avoid what is wrong, and to seek His will for their lives as they grow older. Pray about any decisions you know they will be making or difficulties you know they are facing. Let them know you are praying for them, not because you are trying to intrude in their lives but because you love them and care deeply about what happens to them. Most of all, pray that they will open their hearts and lives to Jesus Christ and become His followers.
Keep in Touch
Sometimes consistent communication isn’t easy; families become scattered, and we also have to avoid giving the impression that we are trying to interfere in their private lives. But take advantage of whatever opportunities you do have. In some families this may come daily; in others, it is limited to the occasional phone call or birthday greeting. I know grandparents who have gone out of their way to learn how to e-mail or to register on one of the new social media sites because it gives them an opportunity to stay in touch with their grandchildren.
It is important as well to let them know you love them and care deeply about what happens to them. Not long ago as I was waiting for a doctor’s appointment, a woman casually asked me if I had any grandchildren. When I told her I had nineteen, she gasped in horror. “Nineteen!” she exclaimed. “How do you stand it? I only have two, and they drive me crazy. I can’t imagine having to put up with nineteen!” Her reaction amused me at first, but it also saddened me. Your grandchildren may not dress the way you wish they would or listen to your kind of music, but God gave them to you, and He loves them. They are one of God’s gifts to you, so let them know you love them, both by your words and by your actions.
Encourage Them
The Bible says, “Encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11). After Saul of Tarsus (later called Paul) met Christ on the road to Damascus, one man befriended him and helped him, and he later became Saul’s companion on his first missionary journey. That man was Barnabas, “which means Son of Encouragement” (Acts 4:36).
It is tempting to lecture our grandchildren or tell them what we think they are doing wrong, and there may be a place for that occasionally. But don’t major in the negatives! They need to know we love them, and most of all that God loves them. Encourage them when they deserve it, and when they don’t, encourage them to think about taking a different path. Learn, too, to “forgive and forget” if they are thoughtless or do something that hurts us.
At the same time, avoid the pitfalls. For example, it is easy to show favoritism, even in our families. We may relate to one grandchild more than another and unconsciously spend more time with that one or give him or her more gifts. But the Bible says, “Do nothing out of favoritism” (1 Timothy 5:21). God made each of them, and He loves each of them—and so should we. Our loving and fair treatment of each should build up their faith in themselves and in God.
Remember Your Place
We are not our grandchildren’s parents, and we have to be careful not to step over the line and create tension by interfering with their parents’ work in their lives. We also need to avoid causing tension or conflict by taking sides in family disputes. Let the Bible’s admonition be your guide: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).
Be an Example
Remember, your children and grandchildren learn more about you through observing your actions and attitudes. Do they see Christ in you? Will they remember you as someone who was a living example of His compassion and love? Even when hard times come or the disabilities of old age overtake you, will they recall your underlying peace and joy in their midst? May they remember you as someone whose life was changed by Jesus Christ—just as theirs can be.
How do we restore a legacy that has been marred by something that may have happened many years ago, but continues to haunt us because it was never resolved? Often these have to do with broken relationships that have never been healed. Perhaps this has been true in your own life. If so, face it honestly, and do whatever you can to change it. As we grow older and look back over our lives, how will we view these unresolved conflicts?
“My mother and I always had a difficult relationship,” one woman wrote me recently, “and for the last ten years we didn’t even speak. Now she’s gone, and I’d give anything to have just one minute with her to tell her I’m sorry.” Another woman wrote, “Twelve years ago I told my son I didn’t want anything more to do with him. Now I’m wondering if I did the right thing. I feel so alone, and he’s the only family I have.” One man’s letter included this comment: “I guess you could say I burned my bridges with my family over twenty years ago. They weren’t perfect, but I have to admit I was the main problem. I’d like to get back in contact, but they’ve let me know they aren’t interested.”
Each of these (and hundreds more I could cite) tells a slightly different story, but the basic problem is the same: a broken relationship that has never been healed. Each also has another common theme: regret—regret over what happened, regret over the years that have been lost, regret because the time for healing has passed.
Don’t come to the end of your life and look back with regret over a hurt that could have been forgiven or a relationship that could have been healed—if you had only seized the initiative and taken the first step. Why don’t we do this? Often it is because of pride; we hate to admit we were wrong or at least that we had a part in causing the split. Sometimes it is because we are afraid of being rebuffed or of opening our lives to still more hurt. But whatever the reason, do not let it keep you from seeking to heal the hurts and conflicts of the past.
It is not always possible to mend a broken relationship, of course; some people simply refuse to be reconciled with someone who has hurt them or whom they have hurt. Some people also refuse to accept responsibility for what they have done, always blaming someone else for what happened. If so, you probably can’t solve their problems—but you can solve yours by being willing to go the extra mile to try to be reconciled with someone who has turned against you. You should “make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy” (Hebrews 12:14), and “if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). Peace isn’t possible in every case, but we are to make the effort.
Ask God to make a forgiving spirit part of your legacy, not only reconciling you with others but also passing on an example of Christ’s forgiveness and grace to those who come after you. It isn’t easy; it will take much thought, wisdom, and prayer. But it will be one of the most important things you ever do.
NEARING HOME WITH A LASTING LEGACY
Forgiveness is one of the most beautiful words in the human vocabulary and is best illustrated by God’s forgiveness of sin. When God’s people practice forgiveness with their fellow man, sweetness replaces harshness. A marvelous example of this is revealed in the life of Joseph, when he forgave his brothers for selling him into slavery as a young man. Joseph assured his brothers that while they intended to do evil to their younger brother, God meant it for good by using him to save many people during the famine that swept the land (Genesis 50:20). Because of Joseph’s demonstration of forgiveness, he was greatly blessed of God in his old age. The Bible says, “Joseph saw Ephraim’s children to the third generation. The children of Machir, the son of Manasseh, were also brought up on Joseph’s knees” (Genesis 50:23 NKJV). What a legacy! The grandchildren and great-grandchildren of this hero of faith enjoyed fellowship with their grandfather, Joseph. If we cannot find it in our hearts to forgive within our own family, how can we practice this attribute of Christ with others and know God’s blessings?
The Bible says that great blessing comes when we see our children’s children (Psalm 128:6). Do we fully comprehend the blessings that come from the hand of God? May we take advantage of the opportunities to influence our families for Christ.