EXPLORE
Communication is truly the key to an adventurous and satisfying sex life. Is adventure necessary? Maybe not for everyone, but most people get a little tired of eating the same foods or having the same conversations every day. The same goes for having the same sex. Talk about the sex you’re having right now and the sex you’d like to have. Discuss your desires and your limits, decide what you’d like to do together, and check in with each other while you explore your boundaries. To get the conversation started, we’ve given a range of ideas from bondage to spanking and from tantric sex to threesomes. We’re not suggesting you try them all, at least not yet. You should never feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to, and you can decide anytime that what you’re doing isn’t working for you. What we do hope is that these ideas will spark your sexual creativity and help you create the sex life you’ve dreamed of.
Bondage describes any sexual situation in which a person is restrained. It may involve a scarf, cuffs, or rope. You can even restrain a partner with your voice alone.
Start slowly, with gentle touches. Stroke your partner’s hair and back, then move on. Ask your partner if he or she will submit to you. Wait for a yes, then slowly and sensually lower him or her down to the floor, mattress, or chair. First try holding your partner’s hands down with your body, or restrain his or her hands above the head, in front of the chest, or behind the back. Or tie the hands together or to a piece of furniture like the headboard. You can also play with bondage using nothing but words. Put your partner in a spot or position that appeals to you and order him or her to stay still. Start pleasuring your partner and, if he or she moves, stop, gaze into his or her eyes, and say, “I told you not to move!” Then tell your partner that you’ll only do what you’re told. Make them express their desires in exquisite detail.
Although one of you might feel more comfortable as the “top” and the other as the “bottom” during these games, you might want to try switching things up, just to see how the other half feels.
THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS TO GET IN A BIND . . . WHICH ONE IS BEST FOR YOU?
CUFFS Bondage cuffs are a quick and easy way to restrain your partner—no special knots required. They can fit the wrists, ankles, neck, and even thighs. Some are leather with hooks and loops; others are fabric with handy fastenings.
ROPE You can do a lot with rope, from the simple to the artistic, but first you’ll have to choose between textures and materials, from inexpensive nylon to fancy silk. Have scissors on hand in case you can’t undo your knots.
HANDCUFFS Metal handcuffs are sold in sex shops, but unless you’re really into the police fantasy, you’ll probably find them uncomfortable. Look for cuffs that are well padded—and be sure to have a spare key, just in case.
RIBBONS Ribbons are great for simple bondage, as they’re lightweight and no one will raise an eyebrow if you leave them lying around. You can also try using bondage tape, which is sturdier and easy to adjust and remove.
One of the joys of bondage is the opportunity to focus on titillating your partner. Once he’s tied up, you can dish out the pleasure as you wish. Consider making him wait as you strip and touch yourself. Then have him watch while you turn yourself on, just out of his reach. Next, focus your attention on him, using your hands and tongue to tease his body, but stop before touching his genitals. See how long both of you can stand it before you let him have some release. You may decide to ride him while he’s still tied up, or untie him for the big finale.
Sex shops sell handy bondage kits that make tying up your partner (and letting him free) a snap. Look into kits that attach to the bed, a doorframe, or simply let you tie him to himself. If you’re the crafty type, you can improvise with whatever’s at hand or look into learning some basic rope-tying skills.
Check in with him regularly to make sure he’s enjoying things.
Pillows raise his pelvis for new angles of stimulation.
Make sure the cuffs aren’t tight enough to cut off circulation.
“It’s perfectly acceptable to push your limits, try something new, and then decide you’ve gone as far as you can take it in the moment. Sex is not a formulaic experience, and there are no ‘shoulds.’ It’s important to pay attention to what feels right and take yourself only where you want to go. And when you’ve reached your destination, consult your sexual map and start another journey.”
If you enjoy intense thrills, you might want to try toys and techniques that stimulate you or your partner in ways that range from subtle to extreme.
We all have our own distinct definitions of pleasure and pain, so why not learn about your own and your partner’s? Try toys on yourself first, so you know how they feel before using them on your lover.
Nipple clamps have an effect when you first clip them on, when you tighten them, and when you take them off (that’s actually the moment when they hurt the most). For beginners, try tweezer or crocodile clamps. Both allow you to adjust the strength, so you can go from light to “ouch!” (and back) in a heartbeat. Clothespins are easy to find, inexpensive, and simple to apply. They can be used on the breasts, chest, and genitals for varying levels of pleasure, pain, and pleasurable pain. Plastic or metal pins tend to give a more intense sensation.
For a more subtle set of feelings, the Wartenberg wheel (aka the pinwheel) can be used for delightful and devious play. Run it over your lover’s back, legs, breasts, arms, and genitals—depending on pressure, it can tickle or sting. Hold it at an angle, and don’t press too hard.
WHETHER YOU’VE BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE, YOU MIGHT DESERVE A SPANKING.
BARE-HANDED SPANK Your hand can deliver some pretty hard slaps, so start slowly, alternate butt cheeks, and check with your partner so that you’re headed where you both want to go. Aim for the most padded part of the butt and thighs.
FLOGGER A flogger is made with strips of leather, rubber, or even ribbons. Trail it along your partner’s chest or belly for a light tickle. If you’re after more of a whipping effect, flick it against your playmate’s legs, back, or buttocks.
PADDLE You can find various kinds of specialty paddles in shops—or scour your home for pervertables, everyday household items that can be used for sexual play, such as ping-pong paddles, spatulas, or even a hardback book.
RULER If you get a thrill from student-teacher games, you may want to use a ruler as an extra-credit sex-cessory. It’s a perfect alternative to a paddle, so why not place your lucky student over your knee and teach him or her a real lesson?
{1} Lay down a sheet or towel to protect your bedding and furniture.
{2} Use a massage candle or an unscented, plain white paraffin candle, which burns cooler.
{3} Let the wax pool. Avoid dripping wax that’s just been in contact with the flame. Test the heat on your hand, then start dripping from at least 3 feet (1 m) above your partner.
{4} If she enjoys the sensation, try dripping it from a lower height for greater intensity.
{5} A massage candle’s wax will turn to scented oil on your partner’s skin. If you’re using a regular candle, allow the wax to dry, then peel it off.
Making your own sexy video can feel both devilishly hot and a little bit daunting. Agree on a plan to keep your skin flick private, then feel free to go wild.
The first step is deciding what you want to do with your naughty movie. You may decide to erase the video after you watch it, burn it to a DVD, or save it on a flash drive that you can lock away. Then pick out your wardrobe or have your partner style you. Wear something that makes you feel sexy, whether that’s a thong bikini or a long silk kimono.
Next, get the set ready: remove all the clutter and extras you don’t want seen in the frame, be it dirty laundry or family pictures. You can even change the bulbs in your lamps. Purple or red lights give off a softer and more sensual look.
You can script the action but generally, the more natural you are, the better your on-screen chemistry. Many people find missionary the most flattering position, but do experiment. A microphone will capture your sexy sounds—and maybe some giggling as well.
65 BEHIND EVERY GOOD MAN . . .
Not every man will enjoy “backdoor” stimulation, but he won’t know unless he tries it. Start gently, try a few approaches, and he may discover a new thrill or two.
There are a number of ways to stimulate the prostate, a man’s main source of anal pleasure. You can apply pressure to the perineum, the area between the testicles and anus, to stimulate without penetration. Or use a lubricated, gloved finger or a small dildo to probe gently. When choosing a toy for anal play, it’s important to pick one that has a flared base so that it can’t slip all the way inside.
Strap-on sex—which is also referred to as pegging—has become more and more popular in recent years (or perhaps people are feeling increasingly empowered to talk about it). If you’re wearing a harness, be sure the dildo you’re using will stay securely fastened. Start with a smaller toy than you think you’ll want (you can always upgrade), and go very slowly, with lots of lubrication and communication about what feels good. The man may want to masturbate or have you play with him, or just enjoy the sensations. Even if it doesn’t lead to orgasm, prostate play can be a fantastic part of a rich and experimental sex life.
“I like to call some of those crazy moves in sex ‘porn-star acrobatics.’ Porn stars are paid professionals whose job it is to get down in ways we rarely think of trying. As long as you feel safe and things are consensual, you, too, can go wild!”
Emily
“Trying new positions will exercise your sexual muscles. It’s an invigorating challenge that can lead to more intense orgasms and will build your self-confidence and sexual repertoire.”
This is one of those acrobatic sex positions that you might see in pornography. Much of its appeal is visual: it puts everything right out there on display for the lovers. To get into this position, the woman lies on the floor and flips her legs over her shoulders, as if she were doing a shoulder stand. Some women find it more comfortable to brace their lower back against a pillow or a piece of furniture. The man needs strong leg muscles, as he’s essentially doing an extended squat while he penetrates her.
To penetrate her from another angle, he can try reversing his pile-driving stance by facing away from her.
In this less-challenging modification, she kneels, with her behind as high in the air as possible, and he stands over her.
A little variation may bring a lot of pleasure. For instance, a cross-legged version of the missionary position offers sexy views and an interesting angle.
The key to keeping any position fresh is variety—small adjustments can make a world of difference, and being open to trying a range of things can help you find those unexpected variations that drive you wild. There’s an infinite range of positions out there. So once you find ones you like, you can start finding ways to make them even more exciting.
For example, during missionary, the woman can bend her knees, twist her knees to the side, wrap her legs around the man’s waist, or even cross them. What can be lovely about this position is its ability to provide a sort of intimate distance—her crossed legs keep him up on his hands, gazing down, rather than pressed close body to body.
Once your bodies are in position, the motion has more to do with rocking and rhythm than hard thrusting. She may want to try lifting her pelvis, perhaps with a pillow under her hips. If her legs get cramped, she can always bring them up and rest them on his shoulders or press her feet against his chest.
If you’ve got a healthy back and the legs and upper-arm strength to support your partner, you might want to try out this more advanced sitting position. In lieu of a chair, you use your body to hold her up and keep her close.
To get into the crouching dragon, start by standing up and facing each other. Ask her to wrap her limbs around you: her arms around your neck and her legs around yours. Then squat down while she lowers her body in tandem with yours. Once you’re at a level that feels good, ask her to place her thighs, one at a time, over yours. To help you balance, she can press close to you as she grinds onto you; or if you’re feeling strong in the stance, she can lean back and thrust from there. After a little bit of time enjoying this position, you can ease forward onto your knees and lower her onto her back for a more conventional man-on-top finish to this athletic endeavor.
{1} Start off by lovingly gazing into each others’ nondominant eye (e.g., the left eye for right-handed people). Get close for sensual bond-building.
{2} Gentle kisses awaken desires.
{3} Tapping lightly on your partner’s chest and midsection will awaken the heart chakra.
{4} Take turns sitting back to front and using your hands to caress and explore each other.
{5} Sit spine to spine to align your chakras (centers of energy) and sexual electricities.
{6} Yab yum, pictured here, is the traditional tantric position—it can lead to a powerful, explosive finale.
In this tantric variation of reverse cowgirl, he’s got his knees over the bed, and she’s leaning all the way onto his body. This move is great for G-spot stimulation and allows for easy access to her clitoris. He can caress her breasts and kiss her neck while she guides his hands to all the right places, showing him exactly how she likes to be pleasured.
“It’s quite remarkable how many couples never talk about sex, yet, communication is essential throughout the cycle—from foreplay to afterglow and everywhere in between. Think about your sex life. Are you and your partner(s) on the same page? Does sex still feel exciting? Engaged? Do you prefer it a little to the left, right, or sideways? No need to rush into new territories, just take your time and talk. Trust builds through shared experiences and through communication. Venture slowly outside your comfort zones to intensify your connection and enhance your relationship as both lovers and friends.”
If you’re curious about deep throating but anxious about gagging, don’t worry. If you wind up telling him that he’s too much for you, he’ll just be flattered.
To ease into oral sex, start when he’s not erect. Or stick your tongue out to guide him in gently. Not only does this cover your bottom teeth, it also helps you take more of him in. You can also use one or two hands on his shaft and only go down with your mouth as far as it feels comfortable. As long as you keep your hands lubricated with saliva and gently but firmly work the base of his shaft, the sensation will be great for him.
If you want to try taking in more of his penis, focus on your breathing to relax and experiment with different positions to get the alignment exactly right. The variation shown here helps a woman go deeper, because her throat opens up as she leans her head over the bed, and her mouth and throat make a straight line.
Since men come in many shapes, sizes, and curves, it might take a few tries to figure out which position best lines up your throat and his penis. And don’t worry about making a bit of noise—men generally relish the sounds women make when they perform oral sex.
Of course, the dream is to get him all the way down your throat. But give yourself time to build up to this feat: take a little more into the back of your mouth each time—it’ll only get easier, and you know he won’t complain. You might want to try practicing on a small dildo, or while brushing your teeth (to do this, brush a little farther back on your tongue each time) to master your gag reflex on your own.
Once you’re at ease going all the way down, there are ways to make your blow job mind-blowing. Try humming, which creates a thrilling tingle and has the added bonus of opening up the back of the throat. Some men love a figure-eight motion: weave your tongue back and forth along the shaft, sucking hard on the head when you get there.
Anal sex can feel good for a number of different reasons—it may stimulate a woman’s G-spot, the internal part of her clitoris, or simply her imagination.
You might begin anal exploration with a finger, a small dildo, or by putting just the tip of your penis inside her. Ask her to tell you what feels good and what doesn’t. Stop if she experiences any pain. Go slowly, and give her a chance to relax and breathe before you go farther in. Positions like doggie-style, missionary, and spooning are likely going to be the easiest for anal intercourse, but you can carefully experiment with many other positions. Use lots of lubrication; silicone-and water-based lubes are most condom-compatible. A concern for a lot of people is cleanliness, but your body is naturally adept at keeping itself clean. If you’re in good health, your digestive system is not likely to cause you any problems. (Just be careful not to switch back and forth between vaginal and anal intercourse or even let lube drip from one place to the other.) Using condoms adds insurance—and is crucial for safer sex.
Some couples enjoy anal sex regularly; others like it every now and again. Give it a try and if you don’t like it, move on.
There are many sensitive nerve endings right around the entrance of the anus, so you can pleasure your partner with light touching or licking. If you choose to probe deeper, the basic guidelines are the same as for anal intercourse: relax, breathe, talk, and lubricate. Both the prostate and the internal part of the clitoris can be stimulated through anal play. Start out slowly and stop when necessary. This simple formula can help you get comfortable enough to climax.
Licking around the anus is called rimming, and it can be really pleasurable. Take a sexy hot bath or shower first and, to be extra safe, use a dental dam, a cut-open condom, or even plastic wrap as a barrier. Run your tongue around the entrance, or lightly stick your tongue inside. To avoid spreading germs, don’t go back to the vagina (or the penis) once you’re finished with anal play.
A strap-on dildo can be enjoyed by men and women. There are certain harnesses a man can wear above or below his erection to allow for double penetration.
The golden rule of any threesome is to play fair. Try to make sure that no one feels overwhelmed or left out. Start slowly with lots of talk and making out, so everyone has a chance to get comfortable with one another. The man should take his lead from his partner—no pressing for anything she’s not comfortable with. Make sure to try a whole host of positions before you head toward the finish line, and try to distribute orgasms equally on the way.
Negotiate with your primary partner before the action. What are your boundaries and limits? How can you communicate without making the third party uncomfortable? Even if your ideas change in the moment, stick to what you discussed. You can always take it further next time.
Engage everyone, so that if one woman is performing fellatio or cunnilingus, the other party is somehow pleasuring her—sexually, or simply by caressing her attentively. Or try a three-way kiss, one where you’re all nestled close together and cuddly.
Threesomes with two women are more common, but don’t forget that ladies enjoy being the center of attention as well, and men can make it happen.
It’s a simple fact that women tend to be more comfortable than men about being physical together. This doesn’t rule out the possibility of a great man-woman-man threesome—but you may need a little more negotiation and discussion with all parties before the action begins.
Some men are really into the fantasy of sharing a woman, but don’t want to touch each other at all. All that means for the woman is that she’s going to have even more attention lavished on her, since the men won’t be playing together. If the men are comfortable with more contact, and if the woman is interested in being adventurous, they may wish to try double penetration. She gets on top of one partner and leans forward, pressing her chest into his, while the second man enters her anally from behind.
As with any group adventure, make sure that everyone agrees on the ground rules before any clothes come off, always practice safe sex, and take care that you pay lots of attention to your primary partner to avoid any jealousy.
“The chance of getting caught fuels the passion—plus there’s nothing like getting away with it. Sex in nature is always a fun addition to outdoor activities. Tuck yourselves away from others in the bushes or on hidden paths to experience the thrill and enchantment of the outdoors.”
Jamye
“Some of the hottest places I’ve had sex include a bench next to the track at my college and the stairwell in an office building. A hand job under a blanket in an airplane was also unforgettable. Adventurous locations make for lifelong memories, so grab them when you can.”
Outdoor sex is a very common fantasy, and the change of locale (as well as the fear of getting caught) can add a delicious rush. Be as wild or cautious as you like.
Use some discretion as you plan your al fresco exploits. After all, outdoor sex is generally not legal and certainly not appreciated by most passersby. If you’re worried about getting caught, you can experience a bit of the thrill by fooling around on your apartment’s balcony, or in your backyard, a garage, or a pool. (Just make sure the fence is high enough that your neighbors don’t get a free show).
From there, you can work your way up to racier spots. The woman should wear a skirt with no panties, and guys need pants that unzip so it’s easy for you to make a quick and at least semiclothed getaway in case you have to make a mad dash for it. Make sure you choose a safe area, and watch out for cameras or other security devices. You don’t want to trip someone’s motion-detecting alarm.
Scouting for sexotic venues? L’amour at the beach is a good choice, because you’re weightless in water, which also provides the perfect cover for friskier activities. Or try something grittier, like a public restroom in your favorite club.
Sneaking into your office to have a quickie with your partner can be a lot of fun—and afterward, you’ll smile every time you sit down at your desk.
Go in after hours, on weekends, or early in the morning, before your coworkers are there. Find out where the security cameras are so that you don’t get caught on tape. If you want to be ultraprepared, bring a bag of gym clothes to work with you. This way you can always say you came up to the office to change before or after a workout, a plausible excuse regardless of the hour.
Plan carefully, noting your colleagues’ schedules, especially those who work long hours or on weekends. Then stake out a place or two to make it happen. Perhaps your cubicle is hidden in the corner, or you have your own private office, or you know of a closet that locks. The perfect spot for some office nookie may be the bathroom, since it’s illegal to put cameras there. So lock the door, or hang up an “out of order” sign. No matter how spicy it sounds, doing the deed during regular office hours is not the best idea. It’s far wiser to wait for the off-hours, or find somewhere that you’re confident is really secret and secure.
79 GETTING OFF THE BEATEN TRACK
SEX IN EXOTIC SPOTS IS THE KIND THAT EARNS YOU BRAGGING RIGHTS.
MILE-HIGH CLUB This is easiest on a long flight, especially an overnighter. Sneak into the bathroom together, or if you’re the only two in your row, grab blankets and get it on once the captain has turned off the seatbelt sign.
ON THE HOOD Doing it on the hood of your car is a far less cramped experience than a traditional backseat encounter. Choose somewhere safe and secluded, and put a blanket (or a jacket) between you and the paint job for comfort.
UNDER THE BOARDWALK There’s a lot that’s erotic about the beach—you’re likely relaxed, scantily clad, slathered in lotion, and warmed by the sun. When you get down, put a towel over you, and consider keeping the bikini bottoms on.
IN THE ELEVATOR Search for a building with a lot of floors and little activity. Do it in a back corner so that you have a second to adjust yourselves when the doors open. Or hit the emergency stop button to give yourselves more time.
Sex in the great outdoors can be stunningly sensual. Get in touch with your animal instincts, or make up your own fantasy about a modern Garden of Eden.
You might be overtaken by feelings of passion while out on a hike. Or you might be packing for a full-scale erotic camping trip. Either way, the experience can be enhanced by just a little planning.
If you want to dart off the trail and do it like bunnies, take the time to find a spot that’s semiremote, obscured by trees, or behind big rocks. Be sure to avoid any stinging plants or thorny bushes.
For a less impromptu frolic, set up a rustic but romantic campsite, complete with a comfortable air mattress in your tent. Remember that just because no one can see you in your tent doesn’t mean they can’t hear you. Keep quiet if you want to avoid startling park rangers, other campers, and, of course, the animals.
Finally, make sure to clean up after yourselves. Wash up in a lake, stream, or waterfall, and remove all evidence of your excursion—including condoms, wrappers, sex toys, and anything else you brought along to the woods or mountains. You’ll still have your memories, and Mother Nature doesn’t need souvenirs.
“I’m a cuddler, big time. Whether right after, right before, or in the middle of it, spending time fitting our bodies together like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle makes me feel warm and fuzzy. So lock legs while you lock lips, and place your hands on each other’s faces for added intimacy.”
“Ah, the postcoital glow. After you go to the bathroom (it’s important for women to empty their bladders after lovemaking), it’s time to settle in for some cuddling. Plus, oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) spikes in both men and women during sex and primes us for some serious bonding time.”
Sex in a hot tub or spa is a common fantasy that can make for a mind-blowing reality. Before you take the plunge, there are a few little things you should know.
The very first thing you might want to consider is what’s in the water besides the two of you. If enjoying your own hot tub, be sure you use the least irritating cleaning products possible. In a public tub, the water probably contains a lot of chlorine or other chemicals—you may want to avoid them if you’re sensitive.
When you’re ready to get wet and wild, have lots of silicone lube on hand. Sex in water washes away a woman’s natural lubrication, but silicone lube has staying power. Then pick the position that captures your fancy. The woman can hold on to the side while the man enters her from behind, or he can sit on one of the benches with the woman astride him, either facing him or facing away. Don’t forget to incorporate the water jets into the fun. Many women find them a fantastic way to have an orgasm.
When your session’s over, you should both be sure to get out of the tub and pee. It’s a good idea to go to the bathroom before and after sex, to prevent infections, and after hot-tub sex it’s extra important.
GETTING DIRTY IS FUN—AND SO IS GETTING CLEAN, IF YOU DO IT RIGHT.
SHOWER SEX-CESSORIES A sponge, a washcloth, or a handheld shower nozzle can all be sex toys. Gently loofah the inner thighs or direct a spray of water right on those sensitive areas. A double-headed shower is the dream, of course.
KEEP IT CLEAN Washing your partner’s privates is an obvious move, but don’t lose sight of how sensual it is to wash and suds down your lover’s entire body. Grab a soapy sponge and circle it over everything but those hot spots.
SENSUAL SHAMPOO A scalp massage can relax and revive the entire body. Lather up with shampoo, then start at the base of the neck and rub the pads of your fingers in a circular motion. Up the pressure, and continue all over the head.
STAY IN THE MOMENT After a steamy shower, don’t just hop out and dry off. Keep the connection going by staying in the steam and drying each other off—slowly, gently, and ever-so-thoroughly. This may lead you into round two.
Don’t stop when you’ve had enough. Make good vibrations last by cuddling with your partner and tuning in to each other so you both know how special your bond is.
Whether it was hot and fast, slow and sensual, or all of the above, sex isn’t over when it stops. So take care of both yourself and your partner when you’re done with the heat of the moment. Savor those most recent sensations, as well as your ongoing connection. You can stay in bed and snooze for another five minutes before preparing for your day or watch a movie and cuddle on the couch. Whatever you choose to do, try to spend at least a little time reconnecting before you peel your bodies apart. If you have to run off instead of enjoying the afterglow, be sure to send a text or call during the day. Talk about how you felt and how much fun you had. Right before you go to sleep, let your partner know that you love being together.
Love isn’t only about sex. Love is a decision, and it requires preparation and work. It goes beyond the bedroom. Even if you have to schedule sex, when it’s time to be with the person who turns you on, stay tuned in. That’s the greatest gift of all—for your partner and for you.