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Drisklay’s briefing was just as long and involved as his first one had been back in Massachusetts. Apparently, he had an entire twenty-minute speech memorized where he talked about all the dangers that might befall a protectee who leaves the program. Scare tactics, really. Except Lacy didn’t need those anymore. She had already been terrified into compliance.
Her next stop would be to a safe house out of state. Drisklay didn’t tell her where it was, just told her she’d fly out with him in a few hours. She’d wait there for a week or two, however long it took the department to put together her new cover identity. She listened to it all as if she were a distant observer. A member of the audience watching a crime drama in a theater. Maybe a new minimalist musical.
Definitely not a comedy.
“Do you have any questions for me?” Drisklay asked, tipping his cup back to take in the last few drops of coffee.
She licked her lips. “How’s ...” Drisklay had been talking for so long, she couldn’t trust her voice. “How’s Raphael?
He frowned. “He took a lot of chances. You know there’s no way we can guarantee safety for someone like that.”
That wasn’t good enough. She’d spent four years wondering what had really happened to him that night at the North End. Even though she knew there was never going to be a future where she and Raphael ended up together, she refused to step into the next act of her life without knowing the full truth.
“What did the doctors say?” She tried to make her voice sound forceful but wasn’t sure she pulled it off.
Drisklay stared at his empty cup. “He didn’t make it. Too much blood loss.”
Lacy let his answer float in the air around her. Took in the truth a small breath at a time. He didn’t make it.
Drisklay made a move as if he were going to drink again but changed his mind. “I’m sorry.”
Didn’t make it.
Lacy knew at some point the realization would hit her full in the gut. Maybe on the plane with Drisklay, or maybe once she got settled in her new home in the Lower 48. All the sorrow, the grieving, the regrets — that would all come.
Later.
Now, she had a plane to catch. A safe house to reach. She hoped wherever they took her at least had some good movies. Her brain could use some mindless numbing.
“Well.” Drisklay stood. “I have a few details to oversee before we head to the airport. In the meantime, I think there was somebody who ...”
The moment he cracked the door open, Sandy shouldered her way in. She was carrying a backpack, a small duffel, and several shopping bags. “I’m here, sweetie.”
Drisklay squeezed past all the luggage and shut the door behind him. Sandy set the bags on the floor and hurried toward Lacy. They hugged. Lacy did what she could to mentally record the feeling of her mom’s hands around her back, wondering how long until the memory faded and dissolved.
“I’m sorry,” Sandy sniffed, laughing at herself. “I promised myself I’d be the strong one here.” She tilted her head and pouted at Lacy. Mascara dribbled down her cheeks. “I brought your stuff.” She gestured toward the bags. “That’s the backpack and duffel you had at the mission home. And I went to the store to grab some other things.” She pulled various items out of the shopping bags. New socks. A few cute hair accessories. Tampons and deodorant. “I got a couple books, too. I don’t know what you like to read these days, so I just picked out some that looked interesting. I didn’t know how long you’d be on your flight or ...” She let her voice trail off.
“Thanks,” Lacy mumbled.
Her mom sniffed loudly. “I’m so sorry all this happened, dear.”
“I know.”
“Some people would say something like Everything happens for a reason, or God won’t give you more than you can handle. But the truth is, God gives his people things they can’t handle every single day. It’s not fair. It’s not pleasant. It’s just life.” She sat in the folding chair, and Lacy caught a whiff of fabric softener wafting from the folds of her skirt. Could she remember that smell always?
“God is good,” Sandy continued. “We can’t ever doubt that. And his Word tells us he’ll work things out for our good if we love him. But that doesn’t keep bad things from happening. All these horrible events that have happened to you, those are bad. Still, we got to hold faith that God knows what he’s doing. He can make good come from all these tragedies. He will if you trust him.” She sighed. “I wish I could tell you more, sweetie. Wish I could give you all the answers. But here I am, hardly a crumb of wisdom to my name, and you’re probably starving for a whole loaf right about now.”
“It would be nice,” Lacy admitted. They talked a little more. Lacy explained about how Kurtis grew suspicious about the car and drove down to Anchorage to check on her. How Raphael had been involved with everything from the start. How surprised Lacy was to feel so little at the news of his death.
“That’s because it hasn’t sunk in, sweetheart,” Sandy explained. “You see, God knows that some things are easier to take in little by little. Bite-sized chunks, if you will. Now, I know Raphael did you wrong, and I bet you feel like you should be angry with him. The fact is, you probably will be. That’s just a part of grieving, darling. And don’t you think that just because he’s the one who put you in all that danger that you shouldn’t mourn for him. I’d be worried over you if you didn’t. That boy was important to you. I remember you two together back in Boston. You had a chemistry. A bond. Might not have been the wisest or most godly of bonds, but that don’t matter right now. What matters is he’s gone, and eventually you’re going to have to process all that. Cry as much as you need. Nothing cleanses the soul like prayer and a good sob. And don’t feel pressured to get over him too soon either, hon. That’s the other mistake some folks make. Don’t rush the grieving period. I always like to picture my tears are the rain that’s gonna water the flowers God’s sending my way. He does that, you know, makes beauty out of our sorrow. Sometimes it takes longer than others. That’s why we need to ask him for patience.”
She reached out and stroked Lacy’s cheek as Drisklay’s voice carried into their room from the intercom. “Five more minutes, then we got a plane to catch.”
Sandy wrapped her arms around Lacy. “I pray for you every single day.”
Lacy wished she knew how to respond.
“Is there anything you want me to tell your dad?”
Lacy took in a deep breath. “Just tell him not to worry about me. Tell him ...” She faltered once before finding her voice again. “Just tell him I’m safe, and I love him a lot.”
“We both love you.” Sandy held her even tighter. She wiped her eyes. “I know this has to happen, sweetie. It’s for your own safety, but it’s just so hard.”
Lacy nodded.
“Now one more thing,” Sandy went on. “Let’s say down the road you meet some nice young man. Someone like that trooper friend of yours who wants to marry you. As long as he loves you and he’s a believer, you both have our blessing. Ok? He doesn’t need to dig around and investigate and call Carl out of the blue this time. Got it?”
Lacy tried to laugh along with her mom but couldn’t.
Sandy’s whole body sighed as they held each other for the last time. “I know I can’t ask you anything about where you’re going, and maybe you don’t know yet either. But wherever the good Lord takes you, honey, my prayer for you is that you’ll realize how much he loves you. Wherever you are. Whatever heartaches you’ve had to suffer. His love for you is greater than all of that. So you draw close to God, sweetie, and when you’re praying to him, feeling his big, powerful arms wrapping around you and holding you tight and keeping you safe, you remember your daddy and me are praying for you awful fierce. Those times you feel the Holy Spirit right there with you, comforting you, that’s gonna be God answering our prayers and showing you how much you’re loved.”
Lacy bit her lip. Maybe she could find those tears today after all.
Sandy took in a deep breath. “Now, I’m not gonna say good-bye, because good-byes are for people who don’t know Jesus and don’t have the hope we do that one day we’ll all be together again. You just hang on ’til then, sweet thing. Brighter times are coming your way. I just know it.”
She kissed Lacy’s cheek and with a flourish of her long French braid and rustling floral skirt, she was gone.