YOU PROBABLY ARRIVED at this point in the book from one of two directions. You may have read each chapter and then taken time to explore our suggestions within the corresponding Time to Take Action sections. You paused to reflect on your outlook about risk, safety, independence, and trust. You have begun to model new ways to respond to worry in your family, and you have discussed a variety of topics with your son or daughter to plant the seeds of change. Or perhaps you have been reading this book straight through, eager to learn what it takes to help your child become independent and courageous. If so, feel free to continue reading the entire book. Then return to the assignment of this chapter.
With the understandings you have gained from these first ten chapters, it’s time to introduce your child to Playing with Anxiety: Casey’s Guide for Teens and Kids. You may recall from the introduction that Casey’s Guide is a free e-book we created specifically for your child, written through the voice of the fictional protagonist in the story, fourteen-year-old Casey. With help from her mom, Casey figured out how to overcome her own problems with anxiety. Now her job is to teach your son or daughter—through her own story as well as analogies and metaphors—how to benefit from the same puzzle pieces you have been studying. Casey models the ways in which a teen or child can develop the courage and independence to win over worry. But she puts no pressure on the reader to face threatening situations. She simply encourages them to consider what a change would be like.
Why are we introducing Casey now? Because our final puzzle piece, coming up in Chapter 12, is all about taking action with your child, and Casey is going to help. Her stories of struggle and success help supplement all that we have explained to you. We have designed her book to intrigue and motivate your child. Chapter 12 in both books walks you through the process of making a plan and stepping into new territory, and Casey’s examples prepare you both for this leap.
Directly after Chapter 12 of this book is a segment titled “Using Casey’s Guide to Help Your Child.” There we summarize each chapter of Casey’s book and offer a list of discussion questions to help your child learn the principles that Casey presents. After the questions, we offer activities for you and your child—including some playful ones—that reinforce the skills of each puzzle piece.
We also want you and your child to meet Casey because she illustrates an effective yet playful approach of responding to anxiety. We chose the title purposefully. To “play with anxiety” has several implications. One is our paradoxical strategy: “Let’s fool around with anxiety; let’s mess with it.” This is a mental game, and you can win over your worries if you have a clever plan that’s the opposite of how people typically respond to anxiety. Second, you can play with small aspects of anxiety; you don’t have to take any giant steps immediately. Most important, the title implies that the goal shouldn’t be to get rid of anxiety. You can participate in activities while you are anxious. Most people must tolerate some degree of anxiety and uncertainty as they are learning new skills or facing difficult obstacles.
Based on the age, motivation, and reading level of your child, you have some choices as you begin:
• Do you have a teen or child who is fed up with how anxiety is intruding in her life? Is she, like Casey, eager to turn the tables on worry? If she is independent-minded, a good reader, and already a preteen or teen, she may prefer to read the book on her own (which is a good sign!). Help her get a copy of Casey’s Guide* and let her begin reading. Be sure that you read the book, too. Casey introduces you to some kid-friendly language about worry and anxiety, and she presents stories and illustrations that further solidify your understanding of our principles.
• Younger children may need you to help them read the chapters and explain new words, or you may find it best to read aloud to them. Others might choose to read it on their own. But most young children will be eager for some kind of collaboration with an adult. Together you can set up a schedule to read each chapter and follow through on the questions and activities in “Using Casey’s Guide to Help Your Child.”
*You my download a free copy of Casey’s Guide at our website, www.PlayingWithAnxiety.com.
Regardless of your child’s age, we recommend that you approach your son or daughter with the intent to study and learn together. If you have a willing child, then our suggested approach is as follows:
• Read each chapter, together or independently. We have written Casey’s Guide to be entertaining enough to keep your child’s attention. With that in mind, notice that on most pages, certain phrases are highlighted in bold. In Chapter 1, for instance, here are some examples you will see:
• it helps you run away
• being afraid got him ready
• fear at its finest moment!
• it comes in handy
• slippery, so you can escape
• big, helpful, getting-away muscles
• a dazzle of zebra
If you are reading with a younger child, consider starting each chapter by first scanning through the pages, remarking on the phrases in bold print. We use these to engage your child’s curiosity: “I wonder what she means when she says, ‘slippery, so you can escape’?”
• Even if you read the chapter separately, schedule time to answer together the questions for that chapter in “Using Casey’s Guide to Help Your Child.” Play the role of a fellow student, not the teacher. Your covert objectives should be to evaluate whether your child is catching on to the principles and to coach her in any arenas where she feels confused or stuck. Let Casey serve as guide, and explore each question as a team by modeling curiosity and the desire to understand the principles behind her stories. (“Let’s see if we can figure this one out. . . .”)
• Then set aside enough structured time in your week to explore the suggested activities that follow. Entertaining a new perspective is an essential task, but you can’t get the job done simply by talking. Experience is the greatest teacher. Your family must step into action. We know that you may be tired and worn out dealing with worry, so give yourself permission to have fun as you explore and experiment with these ideas.
• Some teens will have no interest in debriefing each chapter with you, and they especially don’t want to be quizzed by their parents. You can still act curious about what they are learning, and you can occasionally ask them to compare notes with you as you both continue to study.
Putting Down All Fours
When we are afraid, our inclination is to resist. We can act as stubborn as a mule. You know the scene: As the farmer attempts to pull the mule back into the barn, it puts down all four legs into the dirt and locks its knees. The farmer can tug with all his might, but that mule is not budging.
Don’t be surprised if your child starts putting down all fours, and is unwilling to read Casey’s Guide. Maybe she doesn’t even want to talk about her problem or change anything about how she currently handles her anxiety and worry.
Now is not the time to coerce her. Instead, start focusing again on your own work. Return to Chapter 1 and begin (or continue) practicing the activities in the Time to Take Action section. All the concepts that you study and apply in these first ten chapters are preparing you to help your child directly face her specific fearful situations.
• Look at your own beliefs and how closely they reflect your desire to help develop a courageous and independent young person.
• Think about any of the ways you might be avoiding uncomfortable situations and how you may unknowingly be role modeling attitudes and behaviors that are counter to your child’s best interests.
• Use our suggestions to begin planting the seeds of change in your family.
• Find concrete ways you can role model courage and independence in the presence of your child.
Once you have confronted your own limitations, shifted the general atmosphere in your family, and encouraged discussions about the themes of this book, you will feel like a stronger parent with clear principles on how to support a courageous and independent teen or child. By then, your child will become accustomed to some new ways of looking at the challenges of the outside world. From this vantage point, you can again approach your child about actively addressing her fearful avoidance.
Your teen or child still won’t budge? You don’t have to go through this alone. In Appendix B we have listed several national mental health organizations that can help you find someone close to you who specializes in treating childhood anxiety disorders. Appendix A defines those disorders.
Even if you decide to seek professional help from a specialist in childhood anxiety, we encourage you to act on our suggestions within each chapter’s Time to Take Action section. All anxiety specialists will want the child’s parents to talk and to act in support of the therapeutic strategies. We can assure you that your child’s treatment time has a better chance of being shortened, and therefore your financial cost reduced, if you first work through our recommendations in the Time to Take Action sections.
You Might Be Surprised
Casey is going to teach the principles of how to handle worry and face fear. Your child may belong to a special class of young people: those who comprehend the principles well enough that they can immediately and independently apply them to their current problem situations. Casey gives them all the puzzle pieces, and children put them together through courageous effort.
If your child learns to play with anxiety through Casey’s help, then you won’t need to follow any of our guidelines in Chapter 12. Instead, you can celebrate your child’s courage and growing independence. We’ll describe this “fast track” at the start of Chapter 12. For kids who need more coaching, the rest of that chapter details a plan for handling specific fears.