"Stewie!" I called out.
The gang of teen druids turned to look at me, their arms still in the air.
"I am Odious…" he shouted.
"…the Demigod," I finished. "Right. Sorry. Go ahead and finish what you guys are doing. I can wait."
The kids tried to get back into the spirit of the thing and either failed or were terrible at it.
"Oh, great Dark Lord of NicoDerm!" Stewie shouted to the heavens. Was this all the kid did all day?
"Bringer of…" Stewie paused. "Bringer of Beth!"
"It's Death, you idiot!" Heather hissed.
"Oh, great Dark Lord of NicoDerm! Bringer of Death," Stewie shouted at the sky. "Tripod of Evil!"
"It's tri-god!" Heather rolled her eyes and shook her head.
"Really?" Mike dropped his arms and looked confused. "I always thought it was tripod."
Kayla dropped her hands and put them on her hips. "It's tri-god. Why would it be a tripod?"
"Maybe he has three legs or something," Mike groused defensively. "Stewie thought it was tripod."
"You guys are idiots." Heather sulked. "I can't believe I gave up band camp for this."
I stayed out of it because both sides seemed to have good arguments.
Stewie gave up giving jazz fingers to the clouds and wheeled on the girls. "It's tripod! What the hell is a tri-god? That makes no sense."
"You know." Kayla rolled her eyes. "It's a guy with three heads."
"Three heads? That's ridiculous!" Stewie stamped his feet.
"It's no more ridiculous than three legs!" Heather folded her arms over her chest.
Mike piped up, "I think we can at least say we agree that the number three is involved?"
Heather had had it. "This is so stupid! We still don't have any superpowers." She ticked off her fingers. "We didn't sacrifice a virgin, and Kayla still hasn't taken her turn bringing snacks!"
Kayla sulked. "I brought ice cream sandwiches, but nobody ate them."
"That was a year ago, and you know the rest of us are lactose intolerant!" Heather shrieked.
Kayla made a pouty face. "How was I supposed to know that?"
Stewie looked from one girl to the other. "Well, it was in our newsletter that lactose intolerance was one of the things we wanted NicoDerm to cure."
They had a newsletter? I didn't have a newsletter! And I had more kids than they did.
"But he didn't, did he?" Kayla smirked. "I'm not bringing snacks until he does." She looked around triumphantly, as if she'd won her strange argument.
I guess we were lucky. Kelly was super organized and usually brought the snacks. We'd decided that once the girls were in fifth grade, they would pitch in. But I wasn't sure that would work. And I had no idea if any of the girls were lactose intolerant… Probably not, with the way they scarfed up ice cream.
"Maybe we should just give up," Mike said.
"Says the depressed dark fairy," Heather snapped.
"I'm not a fairy!" Mike yelled.
"Guys!" Stewie shouted. "We have to pull it together!" He pointed at me. "It's all her fault! She disrupted the sacred ceremony!"
The others turned to me, united in a cause they could understand.
"Fine," I said, walking over to join them. "Since I've already disrupted your sacred ceremony, can I ask you a question?"
There was an awkward silence. Maybe they weren't sure if I could ask?
I did anyway. "I noticed you guys have been, um, worshipping here." I pointed at the empty cornfield. "Did you guys see what happened to the corn that was there a day ago?"
The group turned toward the field as if they were seeing it for the first time.
"Hey!" Mike said. "The corn is gone!"
I nodded. "Yeah. It was here the night you kidnapped me and a few nights after that. But it has since vanished. I thought you guys might've seen—"
"Oh My Demigod!" Stewie jumped up and down. "We did it!"
Mike and Kayla began square dancing for some reason.
"You guys." Heather tried to get their attention. "We weren't trying to make the corn disappear."
Stewie nodded vigorously. "That's true. We must've had the wrong incantation. But hey! We made a whole crop disappear! That's something, right?"
"Right!" Mike and Kayla said in unison as they do-si-doed.
Heather nodded very slightly. "I guess so…"
Stewie ran over to her and tried to put his hands on her shoulders. Unfortunately, he was several inches shorter than her. "We're getting results! That's what's important."
"So," I said, "you didn't see whoever did this?"
Mike looked at me as if I was an idiot. "Uh, yeah! We did it. Duh!"
Kayla rolled her eyes. "She's not very smart, is she?"
"I'm right here," I said. "And I can hear you."
"Whatever." Stewie shook his head slowly. "I think it's clear that we made the corn disappear." He looked at the others and twirled his index finger at the side of his head.
"You didn't do"—I waved my hands at the field—"whatever it is you think you did. This was a theft."
The four kids froze and stared at each other. I'd drummed some sense into them at last.
"You know what that means," Stewie said.
Mike nodded. "If she's right, then it has to be!"
Heather and Kayla agreed with bobbing heads.
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"Aliens!" the four shouted in unison.
There was a moment of silence—a reverent one for the kids and an I Can't Believe You Guys Are Still Alive Because You Are So Stupid one for me.
"You think aliens did this?" I asked.
"Well," Stewie said, "I'm not ruling out the idea that we made it happen, but yes. Aliens are a distinct possibility."
"You're saying," I said slowly, "that you didn't see who did this."
It was too late. The kids were holding hands and dancing in a circle, singing a song about welcoming their friends from outer space.
I got back into the van and drove off. I wasn't sure what I'd expected. It had been wishful thinking that they'd been here when the theft occurred. But it was worth a shot. They looked so ecstatic in my rearview window that I felt a little happy for them. Or at least for their delusions.
They were my last hope as far as witnesses went. Erskine had no neighbors near where the corn was stolen. No one would've seen it.
I needed more information…which was why I turned the van around and headed back.
The kids were now sprawled facedown on the ground, humming. I searched the van, but the only thing I had in my car was an empty Oreo package, which was weird because my car was usually garbage central. Maybe Rex had cleaned it out. My mess drove him crazy. You could literally eat off the floor of his car. Yes, I decided my husband had cleaned my car, so I made my way to the field.
"What are you doing?" Heather asked as I walked past.
"Checking for soil samples," I said as I scooped up some dirt and put it in the package.
"What for?" Kayla asked.
"I'm going to send them to a lab in Area 51," I answered, holding my finger to my lips.
They cheered as I drove away.
* * *
Back at home, I left my stuff on the counter for just one minute before…
"Don't eat that!" I ran across the living room and snatched the cookie packet out of Rex's hands.
"It's just broken cookie bits," Rex said. "I like the cookie part."
"No, it's not. It's a soil sample," I said before realizing what I'd said.
Rex didn't know about the corn heist because Erskine didn't want to involve the police.
"Soil sample?" he asked cautiously.
"Yeah," I lied. "As the Bird Lady of the Cult of NicoDerm, I was charged with collecting holy soil from a sacred place."
Rex closed his eyes with a brief headshake. Then he opened them and smiled. "Okay."
"Wait, you did that thing you do when you're exasperated with me," I said.
"No I didn't. I just have a small headache." He pulled his cell from his pocket and frowned at the screen. "I've got to go. Apparently there's a farmer whose crop has been stolen?"
I said nothing as he left. Had Erskine gone to the police after all? Or was it the seed company? That made more sense. I couldn't see the man paying Riley and then going to the police. If it was the seed company, what changed their mind, I wondered.
* * *
"What's with the cookies?" Soo Jin asked when I handed her the package of dirt a few minutes later. It was late, but she was still working, which was good for me.
"It's an important soil sample cleverly disguised as cookies." I winked.
The medical examiner looked confused. "Oh?"
"I need you to check the sample out."
"I'm so sorry, Merry," she soothed. "But that's not something I can do."
"You can't just look through a microscope and see evidence?" I really needed to stop binge-watching Forensic Files.
"No, but that does sound cool." She smiled. "What is this for exactly?"
I told her the whole story about Erskine, the druids, and that the Chinese might be involved. Since Rex was now on his way to investigate, I thought it wouldn't hurt to tell her.
On the whole, she took it pretty well.
"What do you expect to find?" Soo Jin squinted at the packet of dirt as if with this new information it might do something extraordinary.
I shrugged. "I don't know. Traces of…something?"
"Tell you what." She transferred the contents to what suspiciously resembled a urine sample cup. "I'll ask Eddie if he knows anyone who can analyze this."
I threw my arms around her. "Thanks!"
"No problem!" she said as she squeezed back. "Just don't get your hopes up, okay?"
"I won't." I hesitated in the doorway. "You had a meeting with Rex tonight about Anna Beth Trident's murder?"
Dr. Body grinned. "Yes, I did."
And…?
"Was there any new information?" I asked.
"She was killed in a cornfield. We found leaves and tassel pollen on the body in microscopic traces."
My jaw dropped. How was I going to check every cornfield around town?
"Anything else?" I hoped she'd give me the coordinates leading right to a woman-sized impression in a field, but she just shook her head. I thanked her and headed out of the hospital to the parking lot.
In the car I slammed my hand onto the dash. Merry! You idiot! There's only one cornfield that's been involved in this investigation! Sure, I had no idea how the corn was taken, but I'd be willing to bet that was where ABT was murdered!
As for the soil sample, what was I looking for, anyway? It wasn't supernatural or alien, that's for sure. My guess was that the Chinese government had taken the corn somehow. With their spy dead, maybe they just showed up and took the corn?
Wait a minute…was I losing my mind? This was just a theory and a farfetched one at that. Well, the alien and supernatural suggestions from the cult were a bit crazier. But still, did it make more sense that a government drove to the field in the middle of the night, took every last stalk of corn, and was able to clear out before dawn?
I still had no real, conclusive answers to many, many questions. Did Lana have a hand in this? I guess it wasn't impossible that she might work for China. Did Hilly's sudden surprise visit have anything to do with it? Why had Anna Beth been murdered? And why had she been dumped in my yard?
Argh! This was super frustrating. I did the only thing I could think of. I drove back to that empty cornfield. Hopefully Rex wouldn't be there. I needed some time to think this through.
It was getting late, but maybe I could at least find the place where the murder took place. The kids were gone when I pulled up, which was good because I had no idea what I'd say to them. This goddess thing was hard. Harder than the Girl Scouts. I mean, what were my responsibilities in that role, besides making them think aliens from outer space came down from the sky and stole sixty acres of experimental corn?
At least with them back home doing…whatever teenage druids did at this time of day, hopefully I could study the field unnoticed and without accidentally making them believe that Bigfoot or the Bermuda Triangle was involved, even if that would be pretty awesome. You had to admit, if Bigfoot had harvested a crop of experimental corn in the middle of the night, it would be fairly impressive.
As I walked through the empty furrows, once again I questioned my motives. What was I looking for?
The plot was large and empty. I picked my way across, my eyes sweeping back and forth, looking for anything out of the ordinary.
That's when I heard the car coming. I dove into a field of not stolen corn and watched as Rex and Officer Kevin Dooley parked next to my car.
Uh-oh.
Rex got out and looked into my van. He knew it was mine. There was the ketchup stain on the front passenger seat and the grease stain on the dash from a poorly placed Oleo's burger. I never was able to get those out.
To his credit, he didn't sigh or shake his head.
"Merry?" he shouted.
I didn't answer. I probably should've since I was obviously busted. But for some reason (most likely full-blown stubbornness), I held back.
Kevin was eating Cheetos out of his gun holster. Where was the gun?
Rex didn't call out for me again, just stepped into the field and looked around.
"Footprints," Kevin said, pointing with an orange index finger.
Crap. Now I was really busted. The one time Kevin does actual police work, and wouldn't you know it would lead to me.
"Merry," Rex said, finally shaking his head.
I remained hidden but noted my exit strategy. The reasonable time for coming out had passed, so it would be awkward to suddenly appear. I was committed.
The two men walked around the field, looking this way and that. After a moment Rex bent down, pulled on a pair of rubber gloves, and retrieved something from the soil. Damn. I'd missed something.
He motioned for Kevin to go back to the car, and the officer returned with a larger baggie. Rex hid whatever he was putting in the bag, presumably from me. Did he know I was watching?
I couldn't stand it anymore. I stood up and emerged like a true bird goddess.
"Rex?" I asked innocently. "Is that you?"
My husband straightened up and shoved the baggie behind him.
"Don't act so surprised." My husband smiled. "I know you were watching."
"What? No! I was all the way on the other side of the field. I just spotted you now." I put on my most convincing smile.
"Okay," he said. "Why are you here?"
There's a right time and a wrong time to come clean to your husband. The bad time is reserved for things like misplacing his gun when playing with it or losing his favorite stained shirt by accidentally throwing it away. The good time was when you wanted him to think you're completely innocent and didn't actually keep anything from him. That time was now.
"Riley asked me to stop by. Erskine hired him to find his crop."
Rex nodded but said nothing.
"So I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by."
He looked around at the remote rural area with its winding gravel road. "In the neighborhood?" His eyebrows went up.
"Oh sure. I drive out here all the time. I just like the scenery." Too much of a stretch? In all honesty, it was somewhat true. I used to do this all the time as a teenager. I haven't done it in years, but he didn't know that.
"Why did Riley ask you?" he asked. "You haven't taken a job with him and not told me, right?"
When Riley opened his private investigator shop, he'd asked me to come work for him. I always said no because I told him with Rex as my husband, it was a conflict of interest. I wasn't 100% sure it was, but that was my answer. He still makes the offer on occasion.
I shook my head. "No. Riley just doesn't know these rural roads like I do."
"This doesn't have something to do with that soil sample you had in the cookie packet earlier, does it?"
I shook my head and lied. "Actually, that was cult business."
"Cult business?"
"Yes. Cult business. And cult rules apply here, so I can't tell you anything without invoking a demon or something."
My husband laughed in spite of himself, and I relaxed just a smidge.
"Well, someday you're going to have to confess, but I can see that today is not that day." He looked at Kevin, who was now trying to put his gun into his cheesy holster.
"Someday, I hope you'll work with me, instead of against me." He nodded toward the officer, who now pulled an orange gun out of his holster. Upon seeing the powder, he licked the blue steel. I wondered if it was loaded.
"But for right now, I have enough problems." He turned without letting me see what was in the bag. "Officer Dooley, I'm not going to tell you again. Stop licking your weapon."
"He's done this before?" I asked.
Rex nodded. "Powdered donuts last week. The gun hasn't had an accidental discharge yet, but it's only a matter of time." He gave me a wink. "See you back at home." And with that, he walked off.