Chapter 19
“Mom?”
“Yes, dear?”
“I need you to be my mom tonight.”
“I’m your mom every night.”
"Tonight I need you to do a better job of it.”
“What kind of thing is that to say? Haven’t I always been a good mom? I’ve always strived to be good.”
“You have been good. You are good.”
“Then whatever you need from me, I’ll give it to you.”
“I need a hug.”
“I’d send you one in all caps if I could.”
“Mom, I need the real thing.”
“I meant it figuratively. If I could hug you a right now, don’t you know I would?”
“I know it. I know it, Mom, but I want to feel it. I want to feel the hug. I don’t want a hug in all caps. I don’t want a video chat where we put our arms out to the side and act as if we’re hugging the flat screen or mini. I want the real thing. I want to feel the warmth of your arms around me.”
“Are they not providing you sufficient radiant?”
“Mom, you know what I mean. You must. You must remember what it was like to hold me.”
“Of course I do. Of course I remember. I’m your mother. Are you trying to make me cry a real tear?”
“I don’t want you to cry.”
“Then what do you want, Amelia?”
“I want you to remember me, the real me, and miss me the way I miss you and dad.”
“We both already miss you, Amelia.”
“He doesn’t even chat with me.”
“I told you. He’s tired in the evenings when you are free from your studies. He works hard all day so that you can enjoy a resolute future. The Private where he works is very competitive, one of the most efficient in the City. You know that. We’ve told you that.”
“You’ve told me many things that I haven’t experienced.”
“Then you’ll have to trust us. All you’ve ever had is your studies, that boy, and your brush with the patrol. Life isn’t just about defying the Mod. Your dad’s productivity has gone through the roof since you left us.”
“I didn’t leave you.”
“You went out and triggered all this.”
“What does that have to do with dad’s productivity?”
“How do you think we are paying for your rehabilitation? You think a Private runs an in-person school for free?”
“I hadn’t thought about it.”
“No, you didn’t think about us at all. Your dad has to be extra productive at his job just to pay some other Private to provide an education that the Mod was subsidizing at home.”
“What does any of that have to do with me wanting a hug?”
“Nothing, fine, it has nothing to do with you and hugs. We’re just bad parents, and it is our fault you are in an institution and that your dad stresses so much during day that he needs to relax in the evening. It is our fault we can’t just walk into your room and give you a hug.”
“I didn’t say it was your fault.”
“Then why are you asking for something we can’t give you? It’s an inefficient request.”
“You can’t visit before mid-year?”
“How can we afford an extra visit when we’re paying so much for college? Do you know how few parents have to do that?”
“No.”
“Well, we don’t know any. Any. Not for a generation. How do you think that makes us feel?”
“Bad?”
“Bad is right. How’s that for tears, Amelia?”
“How’s that for tears?”
“That’s right, Amelia. You did it. You made me cry.”
“You’re crying because you feel bad?”
“Why else would a person cry?”
“I mean, you’re crying because you feel bad that the other parents aren’t paying as much for college?”
“That’s an inverted way to put it.”
“So you’re crying because you’re the only parents paying for in-person tuition?”
“Not just that. Not just the money part.”
“The part where you look bad next to the other parents?”
“I don’t care how we look. I just don’t like being the only parent I know with a child in an institution. I don’t like feeling like I failed.”
“What about the part where I’m sad from missing you?”
“I don’t like that, either.”
“That is comforting to know.”
“Amelia, don’t be sarcastic with me.”
“I’m not being sarcastic.”
“I can read between the lines, you know.”
“You’re not the only one.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Liz is very good at it, too.”
“Oh, that Liz is a special girl.”
“Tell me about it.”
“This isn’t the time, Amelia. You’re doing the best you can. That boy really tilted you.”
“He’s not a boy, I’m not a girl, and we’re not tilted. We’re resolute. No less so than you and dad and your productivity bonuses and your steady ship.”
“We’ve always been the most productive couple in our tower. How do think we afforded to take you for that dress? That was supposed to commemorate a special day, not put irrational ideas in your head.”
“It was a special day, Mom, one I’ll never forget. You and dad did a good thing for me.”
“So we’re not bad parents?”
“No, you’re good. I’m the one who went bad.”
“Do you mean that, Amelia?”
“Yes, I do. You are great parents. I’m learning that.”
“And you know we love you? That we would be there to give you a hug if we could? That we would give you the physical affection you need even if it meant having to think about loss?”
"Think about loss? Why would you have to do that?”
“Why do you think adults prefer virtual hugs? We’ve learned only a tech hug can last forever.”
“And you don’t find that kind of logic sad?”
“Sad is knowing you are going to lose something.”
“Marco and I weren’t afraid of that. We knew there was a risk. Made each hug more special.”
“Does it always come back to Marco with you?”
“Yes.”
“Doesn’t sound like you are rehabilitating.”
“I’m trying.”
“Why did you have to meet that boy?”
“I don’t know how to answer that.”
“We should never have let it happen.”
“How did you let it happen?”
“Amelia, don’t think we’re illogical. Don’t assume we haven’t figured it out. That we haven’t told the patrol.”
“What?”
“They had to know: to protect us and you and City.”
“Protect us from what? I came to terms with the patrol.”
“And Marco has gone on committing crimes against reason.”
“Like what?”
“Like flying a diamond on a string with an @ sign; he’s been trying to rally others around him.”
“Or to find me. He doesn’t know I’m here.”
“Either way, the rationale has to be followed.”
“How does flying a kite offend the rationale?”
“It offends, Amelia. It offends. And when you’re my age, you’ll know just how inefficient a thing like a flying diamond with a painted symbol can be.”
“It’s a piece of paper.”
“That comes from a tree, a piece of paper that must then be actuated. Do you know how much hazard that kind of unnecessary consumption contributed to the environment’s decline, to the bug’s spread?”
“But now we have the actuator. Paper and string can be actuated without contributing any environmental hazard.”
“That’s no excuse for inefficient and irrational behavior. Do you know what happens to those who don’t learn from history?”
“They repeat it.”
“Exactly. And is that what you want?”
“If it means reclaiming a hug, I might chance it.”
“Well, I don’t know how much they’re teaching you then.”
“I just wanted to reincorporate some things without abandoning the new.”
“There’s no growing young, Amelia. You can only grow in one direction. City can only grow in one direction. Progress must not be subverted.”
“What, have you been talking to Ms. Snow?”
“Yes, I have, and I think you should spend more time talking to her. She says you avoid all communication with her.”
“I watch her podcasts during the day and do the nightlies she assigns me. That’s all that is required.”
“You used to do more than was required.”
“Unfortunately I can only grow in one direction. No going back to what I used to do.”
“Then you best do your nightlies well.”
“I will Mom, thanks. Thanks for chatting. I’m going to go now so I can work on those nightlies. So I can make you proud.”
“Well, I hope you’re not being sarcastic. We just want what’s best for you. That’s all we want.”
“And that’s all I want, Mom.”
“Good, then let’s focus on that.”
“That’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to focus on what’s best for me.”
“And don’t forget your parents when you’re leading the Mod. Ms. Snow said it could happen. Do you know that? Despite your resistance, do you know how much she thinks of your potential?”
“I didn’t know that.”
“Well, we know. Ms. Snow told us. We’re so proud of you when we think of the future.”
“I am, too, Mom. And I think of it every day.”
“Then you go back to your studies, Amelia, and make a future for yourself.”
“That’s just what I’m going to do. You’ve convinced me.”
“So I’m not a bad mom?”
“No. In a way, I’d say you’ve never been better than tonight. Tonight you showed me the way. Taught me to look up.”
“Up to your future?”
“Exactly.”