Minneapolis
Sofia was still in bed when Jason walked into the bedroom the next morning looking defeated.
“I know it’s Sunday, but I’m going in to the magazine and I’m going to work late tonight. Deadline.”
Sofia didn’t answer, just nodded.
“You sure? I’ll be home really late.”
For the first time in their marriage Sofia wondered if he was lying about working late.
She’d never once doubted him. But everything had changed.
“I’ll be fine.” She watched his face carefully as she said it.
He didn’t look guilty. He just looked wrecked.
“I’m sorry...,” he trailed off. He was sorry for what? That their daughter was dead? That he was smothering his grief with work? That he was emotionally unavailable? Sorry for what?
“I know.” Sofia stood, brushing her hair, something she forgot to do most mornings nowadays. Looking in the mirror at the dark circles under her eyes, Sofia estimated she’d aged ten years since they’d found Kate’s body. She didn’t care. None of it mattered. Watching Jason tuck in his shirt, Sofia was suddenly filled with jealousy. How great it would be to have a distraction, to be so busy she couldn’t think about Kate. But it was impossible. Even if she had a demanding deadline she’d still be constantly distracted, figuring out how to hunt down Kate’s killer.
Jason caught her watching. “You sure?”
She forced a smile and nodded. “I’ll call Cecile and go out to eat.”
Sofia realized it seemed weird to make plans like that. It was something she’d said and done a million times over the years and yet now it seemed like a massive betrayal of Kate. She should be spending every second searching for Kate’s killer, not going out with her friend and eating.
Jason raked a hand through his hair and then bit his lip as if trying not to cry. His voice choked up. “Every time I walk past her room I want to die.”
This time she did reach for him and they held each other for what felt like an eternity before he broke away.
As soon as she heard the front door close, Sofia grabbed her phone. When the detectives had left the other day, they’d carted a box of Kate’s papers and journals, her laptop, and her iPad. They’d given Sofia a list of what they’d taken. It said “Evidence Sheet” at the top. Sofia hadn’t wanted to look at it, just shoved it in her bag.
She hadn’t heard from them. Maybe they’d found something. She punched in what had become a familiar number.
“Detective Marley.”
“This is Sofia Kennedy—Kate’s mom.” She made a point to use her daughter’s name. So far, Detective Marley had never said “Kate.”
There was a long pause and she held her breath, closing her eyes tight, waiting.
“Yes, Mrs. Kennedy, I was going to call you later and see if I can have you come in again or if I can come over. I want to go over everyone who had contact with your daughter, everyone she knew.”
“Okay. I’ll get dressed.”
Sofia was ready to race out the door when his next words deflated her:
“How about tomorrow at ten?”
The doorbell startled Sofia out of a hazy, drug-induced nightmare where she was chasing a dark figure through shadowy streets.
Glancing at the clock, Sofia realized she’d been asleep for hours. It had grown dark outside.
After speaking to Marley, she’d taken a pill and drank some water with the Roofie drops and then collapsed on the couch. The drugs had made her brain fuzzy, hazy. She’d fallen asleep before she called Cecile.
Sofia sat up unsteadily, gripping the arm of the couch. “Coming. Just a second.” Her voice cracked. For a split-second, hope filled her that it was the detectives and that they’d made an arrest. But when she pressed her eye to the peephole, she saw a cluster of teenage girls. Lily and Julia and Ava and Molly. Kate’s closest friends. Their eyes were red and faces puffy from crying. Ava wiped tears away with her sleeve.
Sofia opened the door and gave a wan smile. “Come in, girls.”
The girls trudged in, pausing at the entryway to kick off their Nikes and Adidas. Minnesota polite.
Sofia waved them on. “Don’t worry about your shoes.”
She gestured to the darkened living room. “Sit down. Can I get you something to drink? Some coffee or water or soda?” As she spoke, she flicked on the lights.
Lily and Ava sat on the loveseat, looking around as if they didn’t know where to settle their gaze. Molly sat on the chair. Julia curled up on the couch beside Sofia.
“We wanted to come by before we left for school,” Julia said, reaching for Sofia’s hand.
It suddenly felt like a large stone had lodged itself in her chest. This weekend was supposed to be when she dropped off Kate at college. All the parents had planned on driving up together on Friday and spending the weekend. It had been delayed for Kate’s funeral on Saturday. Now, only Gretchen was driving the two girls Monday morning.
Sofia sat on the couch, perched on the edge. Gently, she extracted her hand from Julia’s giving her a sad smile. She pressed her lips tightly together before she spoke, trying to compose herself, fighting back tears. She had to be the adult here. “You girls meant so much to Kate. She really loved you.”
Realizing she was talking about Kate in the past tense for the first time, Sofia cringed but then shook it off. She needed to be the strong one right then.
Nobody answered. Julia rubbed her back. It wasn’t right that these girls were comforting her. They were the ones who needed comforting. She examined their pained faces.
Tears dripped down Lily’s face. She wiped them off delicately with one finger. A large silver cuff on Lily’s arm caught the light and Sofia stuck her fist to her mouth. It was the matching birthday cuff. She started to say something about it, but felt a giant lump lodge itself in her throat.
The girls all stared at her as she tried to regain her composure.
Finally, taking a deep breath, Sofia plastered a smile on her face. “Thank you so much for coming by.” Her voice managed to sound normal, even though her heart hurt just looking at them.
They sat there in silence for a moment and then Lily burst into tears, burying her face in her hands.
“Lily!” Julia said, scolding her and rubbing Sofia’s back even harder.
“I’m sorry,” Lily said. “We said we weren’t going to come over here and cry.”
“It’s okay to cry,” Sofia said with meaning. “It really is. Please don’t apologize for that.”
“We wanted to come over and see if we could do anything, you know, anything to help. Anything you need, Mrs. Kennedy,” Molly earnestly bobbed her head. “We want to do something.”
Sofia looked at the girls. They must feel so scared and helpless. Sofia thought for a few seconds. When the detectives had searched Kate’s room, she had realized that one day she was going to have to face dealing with her daughter’s empty room. She didn’t want to leave it untouched, as if it were a shrine. She couldn’t do that. Walking by it every day and seeing it like it was when Kate was alive was too much. Maybe for some parents it was reassuring, but for Sofia it seemed like torture, like a stab to the heart every time she passed.
Although she didn’t know if she could handle even saying the words, she took a deep breath. “I am going to need your help, girls.”
All the girls looked up at her.
“But not today.”
Ava nodded.
“It’s going to be a really hard thing to do and that’s one reason I need you guys to help me.” She watched them. They were waiting eagerly. They really did want to do something. Maybe it would be best to do it sooner than later. But it was too soon. She thought about what Jason had said about walking by Kate’s room.
“I’m going to need you guys to help me go through Kate’s room. I don’t want to do it. But I think I have to. I don’t know if I can walk by her room every day with it … the way it is. And I don’t know what to do with it. If you want, you can sort through it … maybe find some things you might want to keep. I’d like that.” As soon as she said it, she realized it was true. “Kate loved you guys so much. She’d want you to have and enjoy her things. Her books. Even her clothes and jewelry.”
It was barely a flicker, the smallest movement, but Sofia thought she saw Lily flinch. Maybe she was asking too much of them, maybe the task would be too painful, but when she looked at Lily again, the teen nodded.
“Mrs. Kennedy, you just tell us what you need and when. We’ll be there,” Julia said.
Sofia had been a little more forthcoming with the girls than she had planned, but she thought it was also good to not gloss over the pain. She wasn’t going to collapse at their feet and beg them to let her hold them and stroke their hair since she couldn’t hold her own daughter anymore, but she could share her pain. Let them know it was okay and healthy to grieve.
“Why don’t we think about doing it during the Thanksgiving break, when you guys are home again?”
“That’s when we’ll do it,” Julia said, standing.
Sofia stared at her. When had she become so mature, so poised, so wise? The other girls stood, as well.
Thanksgiving break would be perfect. That would give everyone some time. They needed to start their new lives at college. And seeing them this soon after Kate’s death was harder than she had realized it would be. Sitting with them and seeing their bright faces with endless possibilities for the future was a brutal reminder of what Kate would never have.
Sofia stood. “Thank you for coming, girls.”
Julia touched her arm on the way to the door, searching her eyes. “Are you sure there isn’t anything else we can do?”
Sofia wrapped her in a hug and breathed the words into her hair. “Thank you. Thank you, dear Julia for being such a good friend to Kate. Your mother is so lucky—”
Her words trailed off. What was she going to say? Your mother is so lucky you are alive?
She pulled back and turned to the other girls. “Thank you. I think the best thing you can do is to remember our Kate and go on to enjoy your first year of college. Please do that. Don’t feel guilty about it. It’s what Kate would’ve wanted. I’m certain.”
Lily looked down. Sofia knew she should go comfort her, but she just couldn’t. Not right then. Someday, she would. She loved Lily. But there was that tiny lingering spark of something—anger or annoyance? Sofia knew it wasn’t fair. Lily couldn’t have prevented Kate’s death. Maybe if she’d been with her, they both would’ve been killed. It wasn’t Lily’s fault. And one day she’d tell her that. Just not today.
A few seconds after she closed the door, someone knocked.
Lily was standing there alone.
“I know you said Thanksgiving, but can I please go see Kate’s room now?”
Sofia smiled through her tears. “Of course, Lily. Go on up, sweetie.”
“Thanks.” Lily rushed by.
After several minutes waiting by the stairs, Sofia finally sat down. Part of her was tempted to call up to Lily or go see if she was okay, but she didn’t have the energy. She was afraid of what she might find: maybe Lily sprawled on the floor weeping. Or staring catatonic at Kate’s belongings.
Finally, after the other girls had honked the car horn, Lily came back down. Her hair was messed up and her nose and eyes were bright red. Sofia was glad she’d given her some privacy to grieve alone in Kate’s room. Lily shuffled to the door without looking at Sofia. Opening it, she walked out, leaving the door wide open behind her.
Sofia stood in the doorway watching until their car drove away.
Back in the house, Sofia saw she’d missed about five calls from Jason and another call from Cecile. She punched in her friend’s number and spoke before Cecile could.
“Julia just left. Cecile, she has turned out to be such an incredible young woman. She was comforting me. She is so poised and so wise. You’ve done an amazing job with her.”
“Thank you.” Cecile’s voice was quiet. Then she cleared her throat. “Hey, listen. Jason called and said he was working late and you weren’t answering your phone … for some reason he thought we’d be together eating dinner or something?”
“Oh, yes. I’m sorry, I forgot. I think I’m going to go to bed now, but maybe tomorrow night we could get together?”
“Okay.” Cecile’s voice seemed hesitant and Sofia felt guilty.
“Talk to you tomorrow then.” Sofia hung up before her friend could say more and collapsed onto the couch. Leaning over, she squeezed two drops from the vial on the end table into her water. Keeping her shit together in front of the teens had done her in. All the platitudes she had spewed, the happy face she had put on. It was too much. She had kept her shit together for those girls, but she was a fucking train wreck barely holding onto her own sanity. She felt so bad for all of them. And felt horrendous guilt that a small part of her blamed Lily for letting Kate go off on her own.
The drugs were starting to make her thoughts hazy. Whatever happened to girls’ code? You never let your friend wander off at night alone, especially if she’d been drinking. Sofia’s last thought as she drifted off to sleep was that Kate was dead because Lily let her go off on her own. Lily had always been a bit boy crazy. She’d probably wanted to stay behind and talk to some cute boy. And now Kate was dead because of it.
Sofia didn’t know if she could ever forgive Lily for that.
It was standard girls’ code to stick together. You never let a friend venture off into a dangerous situation. Not if you were a teen girl in today’s world.
As Sofia’s eyes grew heavy, she mumbled to herself with the past blending into the present. “You have to keep the code no matter what. Loyalty to your friends and family—nothing else matters.”
Sofia knew this first hand.