August 2019
Minneapolis
Dan looked surprised to see her when she appeared in the doorway of his office.
Sofia was a little surprised, as well. She had pointed her car toward the Basilica intent on talking to Father Genovese, but at the last minute swerved and headed toward Dan’s office. It was connected to his home but had a separate entryway on the side. There weren’t any other cars in the long driveway, so she lightly knocked and opened his office door without waiting for an answer.
“We need to talk.”
Dan closed his laptop and shuffled some papers before standing and coming around his desk to give her a hug. He pulled back and grasped her hands in his, searching her face.
His eyes were big and sad, like a basset hound’s, with the whites showing.
He took her hand and pulled her down onto the love seat next to him. She could feel the heat off his thigh less than an inch from her bare leg. A thin trickle of perspiration dripped down from his temple.
Taking a deep breath, she turned to him, steeling herself. “I’m not here to cry on your shoulder as a friend. I’m here to get your advice as a therapist. I can make an appointment and go through the proper channels if you want me to….” She trailed off.
“You want to see me as a therapist?” He sounded surprised.
“Well, yeah,” She shot him a frown. “What did you think? Why did you think I was here?”
He blushed and walked over to the credenza. He poured bourbon into two crystal glasses without saying a word. He handed Sofia one of the glasses and sat back down, tilting his own glass to his lips and draining it.
“Dan!” Sofia was a little shocked. It was only one in the afternoon.
“Only for really hard cases like this. I promise.” He looked away. “Okay. I lied. Full disclosure. There might be a client or two I take a little nip with.”
Sofia frowned.
About twelve years ago, when the kids were little, Dan had been pulled over and popped a .12 on his blood alcohol test. It cost him $10,000 and nearly cost his marriage. Gretchen had briefly left with Lily, moving in with her mother, but came back after a month, a born again Christian, seemingly full of forgiveness. Dan had later confessed to Sofia that when Gretchen came back she refused to have sex with him for two years.
“I’m not sure day drinking is a good idea for you, Dan.”
“It’s fine, Sofia. Really. It is past noon, after all.”
Sofia pressed her lips together for a second but then tipped her own glass, downing it in one smooth motion. She smiled when she was done. “Ah. You’re right. That’s totally what I needed.”
“That will be $450 for my session.” Dan winked. “Hey, I’m craving a G&T now. Will you go grab the white knife, a cutting board, and some limes from the kitchen and I’ll get the rest going?”
Why the hell not, Sofia thought. Whenever the six friends went on vacation, they always started happy hour at four with gin and tonics. It felt comforting and reassuring to drink G&Ts with Dan. In addition, the alcohol would make her brave, give her the courage to say what she had come to talk about.
After retrieving the items from the kitchen, Sofia set the cutting board on the buffet where there was already a bottle of tonic and began slicing the limes. Dan plopped ice in some tall glasses and measured out some gin in a tall shot glass.
“Do you always lubricate your clients so they talk more?” She was joking, but she looked at Dan waiting for him to answer. Despite his reassurances, she was worried he drank at work more than he let on.
“I admit, it does sometimes help rid people of inhibitions.”
Once they were settled in, sitting down, sipping their drinks, Sofia grew somber and looked down at her lap. “There’s so much you don’t know.”
“What?” Dan’s forehead scrunched, but then he grew earnest. “I’m all ears, Sofia. There is nothing you could tell me that would make me think less of you. You are a wonderful, loving, kind, law-abiding, classy woman.”
She gave a grateful smile. “I’m so lucky to have your friendship, and now, your confidence.”
She suddenly felt too warm. The alcohol was hitting her hard.
“There’s something about me nobody knows and it might have to do with Kate’s murder.”
For a brief second some strong emotion flitted across Dan’s face that Sofia couldn’t quite put her finger on. Glee? Relief? Excitement? For fuck’s sake. Sofia frowned. This wasn’t some fucking TV movie or true crime documentary like Dan loved to watch. This was her life. And her daughter’s murder.
He saw her expression and sobered. He’d put on his clinical hat. Fine. That’s why she was there.
“It’s about my family. Where I come from. What my real last name is. Everything I’ve told you and Jason and all our friends is a lie. I come from the most depraved bloodline you can imagine.”
Dan’s eyes grew wider and he leaned forward. “What?” He stared at her. He tapped his pen hard and rhythmically on the side of the desk.
She inhaled sharply.
“My dad. His name is Marco Castellucci.” She paused and waited for Dan to react.
He didn’t disappoint. His eyes grew wide and he stood up from the desk, palms pressed down on the wood. “Holy mother of God.”
“Yes.” Sofia scowled.
He blew a big puff of air out and sat back down, shaking his head. “Wow. Sorry about that reaction. Some therapist I am. But shit, Sofia. Really?”
She pressed her lips tightly together. “I changed my name before I came to Minnesota to go to college.”
“Okay. I can see why you lied and didn’t want anyone to know who your family was. In my eyes, you are absolved. Anyone in your position would’ve done the same thing.”
Sofia threw her shoulders back. “But that’s not why I’m here.”
Dan nodded slightly waiting for her to continue. She looked over his shoulder as she spoke. “I know I have killer blood in me. Now you know, too.”
She looked at Dan. His face was expressionless. She continued.
“When my dad was arrested and convicted, I realized I was the daughter of a stone-cold killer. My mother had covered up for him for years. Lied for him. Probably even hid the bodies with him. The only decent thing my father ever did in his life was testifying that my mother knew nothing about his murders. But I knew differently. All those late-night forays to meet my dad, leaving me home alone. The clothes – and God knows what else – my mother burned in our furnace, saying they had lice or something. She knew. She fucking knew and went along with it. When I testified against my dad, she disappeared, abandoned me.”
“That must have been very hard for you to realize that your mother had lied to you.”
Sofia shot him a glance. “This is incredibly hard for me. This is the first time I’ve ever told a soul. Not even Jason.”
“I’ve spent my entire life vowing to not be like him … my father.”
Dan held up one hand. “Question?”
“Okay.”
“You say you never told Jason any of this?”
A wave of guilt swarmed over Sofia. She could feel her face grow warm. “Our marriage would be over. He’d never trust anything I said or did again. You know Jason. He’s honest to a fault.”
Despite Cecile’s reassurances that Jason was a goner, Sofia knew that would change in a heartbeat if her husband discovered she’d been lying their whole life.
“Hmmm.” Dan looked down and for a second Sofia thought she saw a smile on his face, but when he looked up again his eyes were sad. “You really have felt the desire to kill people? I mean in the past?”
Baby Angelo’s face appeared like a punch to her solar plexus. She exhaled raggedly. “Dan, I’m terrified that I’m going to hurt someone.”
They both sat silent for a few seconds.
“Dan, do you think that desire, or inclination to kill … do you think that it’s genetic?”
He nodded eagerly. “First, your desire to kill is somewhat normal considering your, er, circumstances.”
“Really?” She felt both relief and horror. Relief that her urges were normal under the circumstances and horror that he acknowledged she truly had that desire.
“Really. But … it’s not completely out of the realm of possibility that there is some genetic aspect.” He smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes and she noticed small droplets of perspiration forming at his temples. Was he afraid of her?
“I read an article in Discover a few years ago that said there was possibly some genetic connection between impulsive aggressive violence. In other words, a violent person can pass that gene to his or her children.”
Sofia swallowed and nodded.
“At one point that genetic predisposition was a given, but most modern psychologists have discarded that line of thinking. I do think they are taking another look at it recently. Studying prison populations and so on. It opens up an interesting field of research. Opponents are worried that the government might someday do mandatory testing for this ‘violence gene’ and punish people who have never committed a violent act in his or her life.
“The study I read about said that there definitely is a violence gene, but it appears to only be in certain populations. Say, prisoners. So, I know you just told me your dad was in prison and was a violent man, but that doesn’t make it a given that you’ve inherited this gene, Sofia.”
Her heart sank.
Angelo.
A small ball of dread and despair was blooming inside her. She was genetically predisposed to kill. She had known this deep inside her entire life.
Dan, seeing the look on her face, jumped up and held out his hands. “Hey, hey. Sofia, I know what you’re thinking. Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t go there. Because here is the thing. You can have that desire and not act on it.”
“I want to act on it.” She jutted her chin. “That’s the problem, Dan. It’s all I think about. I want whoever killed Kate dead. Dead in a terribly painful way. A lifetime in prison won’t be enough. I don’t think I can stop myself from acting on it. I’m sorry that you need to see this side of me, Dan.”
He blew out a breath loudly and sank back into his chair. “It’s just, well, it’s quite a surprise, frankly. My sweet, mild-mannered Sofia with bloodlust. The woman who won’t even watch boxing on TV with us. You can see where I’m having a hard time with this. I’m trying to keep my therapist cap on, but good God, Sofia, I’m worried. I mean, the desire to kill is normal, in your case, possibly even inherited, but you have to realize you never ever have to act on it.”
Sofia put her face in her hands. “I know. You must hate me. I’m a monster just like him.” My dad.
“Oh no, Sofia, no.”
“I spend every second I’m awake trying to find who did this to Kate, Dan. It’s exhausting.”
A slick sheen of sweat now coated Dan’s brow. He was nervous around her. She scared him. She’d ruined everything. Now he knew who she really was and what she really was. She repulsed him. But when he met her eyes, instead of fear or distaste, his face held some other emotion. Sympathy? “Sofia. This is really unlike you. I can see why you came to me. Maybe I can help after all.”
Head down, he scribbled something on a smaller pad of paper. “So, right now your neighbor is the main suspect?” He didn’t look up, but his pen paused on the piece of paper, waiting for her answer.
“Honestly? I don’t know.”
Dan finished writing and looked up.
“But I’ll find out. I swear I will find whoever did. I won’t rest until Kate’s killer is dead.”
It felt so good just to say it out loud. To voice the thoughts and emotions she’d had bubbling inside her since they found Kate. The only time the thoughts had left her head had been the letter she had written to the unknown killer that she kept folded inside her wallet.
“Sofia.” His voice was soft. His eyes had that hangdog puppy look. He sighed, ripped off the paper from the pad and wadded it up. He threw it in the trash and then leaned down. She heard him fiddling with keys and then he emerged with an entire drawer he put on top of his desk.
Sofia raised an eyebrow.
Dan held up his palm. “Sit tight. I’m getting some more pills for you.”
“I still have some of the ones you gave me from Cuba. The bottle was full. And the Roofie stuff,” she said. “God, I love that. Puts me right to sleep.”
Dan eyed her. “I told you to be very careful with it, okay?”
“I am. Now, why do I need more drugs again?” She watched him lean down behind his desk.
“These are different. From Cuba, too.” His voice was muffled.
Sofia craned her neck to see. “What are you doing? Are they in your shoes?”
“Secret compartment. Where I stash my Cuba drugs. Can’t leave that shit laying around. Some of my patients would break into my office if they thought I had anything like this. Sick and sad, but true. Plus, it’s against the law. See,” his face popped up and he held out an amber bottle. “I break the law too. Every once in a while.”
He handed her an amber bottle. She stared at it. She was buzzed before noon on bourbon and gin and now she was also becoming a druggie.
Dan pressed her fingers around the bottle. She opened her palm and peered at the bottle. One word was scrawled in blue ink: Clozapine. She could barely read the writing. “What is it exactly?”
“I think this might help. From what you’ve told me, I think you should try them. They’ll help you not to obsess about … killing … him. It might stifle some of those urges. You don’t have to stay on it forever, but it might do you some good to give it a shot.” He enclosed her hand with his. “I hate seeing you like this. Promise me you’ll start taking them immediately?”
Sofia closed her eyes. “Okay. Okay.” She opened her eyes and stood, a few feet from Dan’s face. “You don’t think I’m crazy?”
He guffawed. “Of course not. And you know I know crazy, Sofia. You’ll be just fine. Trust me.”
For a second, she was tempted to hand the bottle back, but then a wave of fatigue hit her hard and she dropped it in her purse.
There was a loud bang above them. Sofia jumped.
“Is Gretchen home?”
Dan looked past her.
“Dan?”
He shook his head as if shaking off a bad memory. “It’s Lily.”
“She’s not at school?”
“I had to go get her. She’s having some problems.”
“That’s terrible. I’m so sorry.”
He let out a big breath. “I didn’t want to burden you with this on top of everything else, but she’s having a hard time with Kate’s death and all. I thought her going away and having a fresh start would help her forget—”
Another loud bang.
“What’s she doing?”
“God only knows. She’s depressed.” He stood. “I better go check on her.”
“Poor baby,” Sofia said and stood to leave.
“I’m hoping to take her back to school next week. She just needed a break. Sitting alone in her room can’t be helping. She needs to be busy, active.”
Sofia nodded. She had her hand on the doorknob when she turned. “Dan … you are the first person I’ve told any of this to in my entire life. Thank you. I really do feel a lot better knowing that you know. I just worry that Jason will leave me if he finds out what I’m really like. You accepting me and not thinking I’m a freak means the world to me. Thank you so much.” She leaned over and pressed her face into his chest. He kissed the top of her head.
He pulled back and held up her chin and looked her right in the eyes. “Sofia, I promise you, your secret is safe with me. I’m here for you. I always will be. Call me anytime. You don’t have to come to my office. I’ll drop everything and come to your place, okay?”
“Thanks, Dan.” Sofia bit back tears.
“And Sofia?”
“Yes.”
“Start taking those pills I gave you. I promise it will help.”