September 2019
Minneapolis
Lily seemed nervous.
She walked around Sofia’s house as if she had never seen it, trailing her fingers along the couch, pausing at the family pictures on the living room mantle. She seemed dazed, almost drugged. Her eyes glassy and pupils dilated.
It broke Sofia’s heart to see Lily act like a stranger in her home. Lily had spent so much time at Sofia’s house that when the girls were little, Sofia would call them to do chores like they were sisters.
“Kate? Lily? Come empty the dishwasher!”
She’d always considered Lily one of her own. It had taken a month, but her heart had finally softened toward the girl. She’d finally forgiven her for letting Kate go off on her own. It was time. Sofia had always known that it wasn’t Lily’s fault. But up until now, it hurt too much to forgive. Now she was ready.
After hearing Dan’s concerns about Lily, she’d called and invited her to lunch.
But as soon as Lily agreed, Sofia worried about her true intentions for having Lily over. She really did want to cheer the girl up and have a chance to let go of her resentment, but in the back of her mind, she knew there was another motive.
She craved Lily’s presence in an unhealthy way. Sofia wanted a teenage girl in the house. Nobody could ever replace Kate, but just for one afternoon, Sofia wanted the house full of conversation and laughter instead of her and Jason sitting sullenly in silence.
She couldn’t have Kate, but Lily had always been so much a part of Kate’s childhood that in some ways it would feel a tiny bit like having Kate back. And hopefully she could help Lily in some small way.
But now Sofia worried she’d done the wrong thing. Lily seemed disoriented and on the verge of tears. Sofia walked up and put her arm around the girl’s shoulder. It felt frail, as if she had melted away the past few weeks.
“Hope you’re hungry, sweetie, I made your favorite: spaghetti and meatballs.”
Lily turned to her. “The family one, right?”
When the girls were little, they’d beg for the Family Sauce. It was the one that took all day to cook. It involved sixteen meatballs, twelve spicy Italian sausages and eight browned pork chops simmered in the sauce until the meat fell off the bone.
Because it was so labor intensive, Sofia only made it twice a year. Usually one of the times was on Lily’s birthday and the other time was on New Year’s Day. Kate didn’t really care about the Family Sauce. For her, the regular spaghetti and meatballs her family ate every Sunday was fine. But Lily loved the Family Sauce and would often ask Sofia to make it as a birthday treat.
“Oh yeah, baby. No scrimping when it comes to my Lily.”
Lily didn’t smile.
Sofia’s voice was as chipper as she could make it. She could think of no better way to love on Lily than make her favorite dinner and have them watch a chick flick on TV afterward.
After she ladled out the spaghetti and sat down, she glanced over and saw Lily was sobbing, her face red and wet with tears.
“Oh Lily, honey.” Sofia jumped up to hug her. “It’s okay, sweetie. It’s okay.”
“I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve for you to treat me like this. To act like nothing happened.” Lily’s voice was thick with tears.
“Oh honey. It’s not your fault. You didn’t know that Kate leaving on her own was dangerous. You didn’t know something bad would happen. Please don’t blame yourself.”
Lily drew back and her face was suddenly white. She looked terrified.
“But I do. Because it’s my fault. You can tell me it’s not as much as you want, but it is. And I have to live with that until the day I die.”
Sofia stood there, speechless. She wanted to comfort Lily so badly, but she didn’t know what to say. It was only now that she had let go of the idea herself that maybe, just maybe, Lily could have prevented Kate’s murder.
Lily obviously hadn’t let that idea go yet.
“Lily?” Sofia’s voice was pleading. “Please. Please forgive yourself for me?”
“No. I will never ever forgive myself.” Lily’s face was red. She was heading toward the door, grabbing her bag off the couch.
Suddenly Sofia doubted her own motives. Maybe this was wrong. Maybe it was too soon. Hadn’t she wanted Lily over to eat and watch movies because she was lonely for her own daughter? Now, she’d made things worse for Lily. She ran to the door and grabbed Lily’s arm.
“I’m so sorry. This was a bad idea. It’s too soon. I hope someday we can do something like this. I really do. I’m so sorry you are hurting this badly. I promise you it will get better.”
As she said the words, Sofia wondered if she were lying.
Lily jerked away violently and threw open the front door. Right before she stepped out, she turned to Sofia.
“It will never, ever get better.” Her face was red and her eyes blazed. “Don’t you understand? Don’t you get it?”
She spit the words out and ran away.
Sofia stood frozen, listening to the sound of Lily’s vehicle squealing out of the driveway and down the road.