July 2019
Dinkytown
When I got off work Tuesday, I found a love letter and bouquet of roses on my windshield.
For a second my heart leapt. Ali!
But then when I opened the note, my stomach flip-flopped.
It was from Dan.
“I hope one day you will feel the same way about me as I feel about you. —D.”
I was grossed out and sad and mad at the same time.
It wasn’t fair that he was doing this to me.
I felt sorry for him and despised him at the same time.
Of course, I didn’t feel the same way. He’s like a dad to me. Duh.
There’s nobody I can talk to about it. Not Julia. She would just tell me to fuck him and then make him buy me expensive gifts. Not my parents—I mean how could I tell my mom and dad that their best friend is in love with me? And I can’t talk to Lily. That would kill her. Hey, your dad is in love with me! Oh my god. The thought alone was mortifying.
I was starting to think that Ali was the only one I could talk to about it and I really needed to talk to someone. Otherwise, I would go crazy.
I was counting the days until I could go away to college. I thought I could just not think about Dan or my grandmother and enjoy these last precious days, but the truth is I’m so miserable. I just need to be far, far away from him. If I tell my parents it will break their hearts. Maybe one day I’ll tell them, but right now I just want to get away. He’ll get over it when I’m away at college. He’s probably just having a midlife crisis or something.
But when I showed up at Ali’s and he got in the car for us to go to dinner, he saw the flowers.
“What’s that about?”
I could feel the heat rise to my cheeks.
“Long story.”
He cleared his throat. “I know we’re not exclusive,” he said.
I turned at the stop light and raised an eyebrow. Did he want to talk about his ex?
“But you should know, I’m not sleeping with anyone but you.”
“Well, that’s a relief.” My voice dripped sarcasm. We used condoms so I wasn’t worried about STD’s but the thought of him doing to others what he did to me was distasteful to say the least.
“It’s not fair to ask you to be exclusive.”
“Why? Because there’s an expiration date on us?”
He grimaced. “Well, yes. But it’s not my fault.”
He was right. I was going away to college and he was going back home to Somalia. It was inevitable that we would have to stop seeing each other.
“I wish it could be different.” His voice was so quiet.
I pulled over and put the car in park. “Me, too.”
I reached for his hand.
“The flowers? I’m more upset about them than you. It’s someone who would never have a chance in a million years.”
I knew it was my chance to tell Ali about Dan and even my grandmother, to confide in him, but what he said next made it clear that would be a mistake.
“Kate, I have to tell you. Even though I have zero rights to you and no claim on you whatsoever, the thought of you with someone else? If I allowed myself to go there it would drive me insane. I can’t go there. I’m not really a violent person. At least not anymore, but the thought of that? I would want to hurt that person. Badly. And I don’t want to be that person anymore. I just feel like if I saw you with someone else ….”
He trailed off. Part of me was thrilled that he basically admitted he’d fallen for me, but the other half of what he said had struck terror through me. I’m not really a violent person. At least not anymore, but the thought of that? I would want to hurt that person. Badly. And I don’t want to be that person anymore.
What the fuck was that about? Not anymore?
He didn’t notice my silence.
I didn’t know exactly how I felt about what he said, but I knew there was no way I could tell him about Dan.