May sunshine streamed in through the window, throwing the lines on Robin’s face into sharp relief and revealing the frayed collar of his shirt. I told him I was leaving at the end of the semester.
“I’m disappointed, Anna,” he said, fingering the shark’s tooth necklace. His nails looked yellowy, scored with deep ridges. His face had the caved-in beaten look of a tired old man. “You know I’m on the way out here and I harbored a faint hope that you’d take over when I left. I’ve always admired your firm, unsentimental approach to the kids. You never patronize them.”
I studied the worn parquet flooring and the faded Persian rug, a relic from his pilgrimage to Marrakesh in the sixties. “I try not to.”
“It seems as if you know them so well, which makes me wonder about you.” He sipped his coffee and grimaced.
“I guess I won’t miss that vile brew we call coffee,” I said, but my poor attempt at humor didn’t deflect him.
“Anna, I don’t know much about your past, and I don’t want to pry, but I could swear I detect some deep wounds there. I’ve worked for many years with troubled kids and I can sense hidden pain. If you ever want to talk, I’m always here.”
That was my cue to leave. I could already feel him digging into my head, lifting the lid from my secret store of memories so he could peer inside. No way would I let that happen. That stuff was private. Guy didn’t even know about it. About Birdie. I stood up and searched my lexicon of niceties.
“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, Robin. I’ve loved working here. I’ll miss you all and I’ll never forget the things you taught me.” All I could think of was how Gord would’ve been proud of the trite sentiments oozing from my lips.
Taken aback, he realized the moment of revelation was over. “Of course, Anna. Goes without saying and I’ll be happy to provide an exemplary reference should you need it.”
I backed out of his office muttering thank you and was almost clear when he stood up abruptly. His somber face lit up.
“Wait. Before I forget, I must thank you. Bringing Guy in for that in-service in February was a brilliant idea. For you and for us.”
I stopped dead in my tracks.
“Come again?”
“You recommended him.” His brows knit. “You told me you’d read some papers he’d written on education for homeless kids. Gave him a glowing reference. How could I say no when you were so persuasive? And now look. You’re married to him.”
I struggled to focus. The features of Robin’s face became blurred and fuzzy. The springs on the wall clock behind me whirred and clicked. “It must’ve slipped my mind,” I said, feeling my throat seize up. “I’ve been so busy with other things. Married life, you know.”
“I’m sure you have,” he said, attempting a grotesque wink. “After Guy’s inspiring presentation I put in a proposal to the board and we’re receiving extra funding for our street kids’ outreach program.”
“Good news,” I said, trying to breathe deeply, to focus on Robin’s moving lips and make sense of something I’d tried to shove to the back of my mind.
He sighed and knitted his fingers, resting his hands on his faded denim lap. “An old dog like me would call it romantic. Destiny. You two were meant to be together. You couldn’t have planned it better, Anna.”
“But I didn’t,” I said more firmly. “It just happened.”
“Of course. I’m not accusing you of anything, Anna. I’m just kidding. Lighten up, luvvy.”
Somehow, I got to my classroom, though the floor seemed to tilt under my feet. I thought he’d forgotten my little note about Guy, hastily shoved under his door. Just a casual hint – a nudge in the right direction.
Luckily, the kids had left for the afternoon, so I was alone. Nobody there to witness me fall into my chair and sweep the books and pencils aside to make space for my aching head. To collect myself.
To focus.
To think about Birdie and what happened at Patti and Lester Flatt’s after the incident at the mall.
To picture her wounded gaze when she watched me clutch at my swollen eye. To remember how her nose was dribbling from the after-effects of glue sniffing.
Patti and Lester perched like two stone gargoyles on the plaid couch while Birdie and I stood in front of them trembling. A storm threatened outside the window, lighting the leaden skies with flashes of white sheet lightning. Sweat dribbled down my back underneath my sweatshirt and I felt giddy – lightheaded as I struggled not to breathe in the putrid mix of sweat and rancid bacon fat.
“You gave your sister a freakin’ black eye?” Lester stared right at Birdie. He’d been toking on Patti’s medicinal weed, so his eyes looked big and unfocused. He nudged Patti and giggled. “She goddamn knocked her own sister out. Can you beat that?”
Birdie shook her head. She was wearing a ripped gray T-shirt that had once been white. Her thin arms stuck out, her hands twisting the T-shirt hem into a ball. “I didn’t do it. Loni did.”
Lester’s face turned purple. “Curb your wicked tongue, kid. You let your friend beat up your sister? That’s worse. That’s a coward’s way out.” He turned his eyes on me. “Is it true? Did she let them hit you?”
A small fist of anger bruised my heart. The more beaten she looked, the more I wanted to hurt her. Crush her like a paper doll. I nodded. “Yeah,” I whispered, feeling a rush of vengeance so strong I had to bite my lip to stay quiet.
Patti held her arms out to me, her face fixed in a weird, twisted grin. “Looks like that eye hurts, baby. Come sit down next to Momma and I’ll take the pain away.”
I stood, rooted to the spot. She beckoned again. “Come, come, baby. Patti’s not gonna hurt you.”
Her voice was soft so I edged forward until she grabbed my hands and yanked me down onto the couch. I’d never been that close to her. She smelled like dried armpit sweat and skunk weed. I shuffled away to the other end of the couch.
“Don’t be scared now. Get comfy,” she said, patting the spot right beside her. “I’m gonna make you feel good and take the pain away. Lester, fire up that weed.”
The click of the lighter and Birdie’s heavy breathing were the only things I heard. A cloud of smoke drifted by my nose. A pungent, musky smell. Patti’s hand appeared in front of my eyes, the nails covered in chipped purple polish.
“Take a drag, baby. Your eye won’t hurt no more.”
I’d only smoked once when Duane and Loni decided I could have the last toke of their joint. They’d all laughed when I choked my guts up. Now tears pooled in my sore eye. I shook my head.
“Go on, baby. It won’t hurt. Take a hit. It’ll make you feel real good. Relaxed.”
I glanced up at Birdie. She motioned with her eyes as if to say go along with it.
“Don’t look at her, baby. She don’t give a rat’s ass about you.”
I took the joint and put it to my lips. The smoke tickled my nose as I inhaled deep, feeling the hot, dry hit and holding my breath so I wouldn’t lose it. When my chest was about to burst, I let it all out. Its bitter taste crept into my throat and mouth and nose. I handed it to Patti and fell back against the couch, my eyes heavy, my heart throbbing in my ears.
“Hey, Patti, you got that kid high,” said Lester in a weird sing-songy voice. “I’ll have to report you to the au-thor-i-ties.”
“It’s medicinal, Lester. Pain relief. No worries.” She sucked back a long drag, her throat straining to keep the smoke down, then exhaled a billowing cloud of smoke. Lester grabbed the joint and took a long hit. We all sat back looking up at Birdie. Her left foot tapped on the floor. She chewed at her fingernails. The other hand plucked at the hair above her left ear.
“Now what we gonna do with this little bully?” said Lester.
Patti shuffled her leg up underneath her butt. “How ’bout medication? You got something to maybe knock her out a bit? Cos we can’t deal with this kind of ant-eye-social behavior here.”
Lester eased his ass off the couch and shuffled into the kitchen. I heard him rooting around in the drawers. Birdie shifted from one foot to another.
“Don’t need nothing,” she mumbled.
Patti stiffened up, her eyes bulging. I felt sick, scared and sleepy. “Did I ask you to open your filthy mouth, you little shit? Did I?”
Birdie shook her head. Nausea flooded my throat but I couldn’t move.
Lester returned with a handful of pill bottles. “I think we got something here might work. Left over from the last kids.”
He shook a couple of pills from each container into the palm of his hand and held them out to Birdie. “Here – take ’em.”
She shook her head and edged backwards. But Lester was on his feet in a minute, his chin jutting out like a freaked-out bulldog.
I sat bolt upright. “No – don’t make her.”
Patti’s arm locked across my chest like an iron barrier. I started to cry when he got Birdie in a choke hold from behind, forced the pills into her mouth and clamped his hand over her lips. Her feet pedaled underneath her like she was trying to run somewhere – anywhere – but she was stuck, her arms flapping liked a bird’s wings.
“The glass,” he shouted to Patti, pointing at a half glass of Coke on the coffee table. She reached it up to him and he pinched Birdie’s nose and poured the liquid down her throat. He held a hand across her mouth for a few minutes of muffled sobs and moans. Her body heaved until there was no fight left in her. I tried to jerk myself away from Patti but Lester swung around, let go of Birdie and shoved me backwards. My head thunked against the back of the couch jarring my teeth and sending a wave of pain across my swollen eye.
When I opened my eyes again, Birdie was crawling along the floor, trying to pull herself upwards by holding onto a chair. Her body made weird, jerky movements like a half-dead wasp that you’ve batted enough to stun but is still trying to escape. She pulled herself upright and placed her hands on the wall. The wall with the flowery wallpaper. She was trying to climb up that wall, her legs jerky and splayed like a spider’s. I cried so hard when she kept flopping down and getting up again as if those flowers were a pathway to some magic woodland world. To a place where there was no pain and no terror. She did that until she collapsed in a ragged heap, knocked out by the meds they’d given her.
I touched my tight, swollen eye that burned with tears while Lester and Patti shook with laughter.