1965
I wrote back to Win immediately.
Yes, please come! I live in the only house on Hockley Street in Round Hill. Park on Round Hill Rd after dark, not on Hockley where the car would stand out. Then walk to the end of Hockley Street. You’ll need a flashlight, but try not to use it till you get to the woods at the end of the street. There’s a narrow road into the woods. Walk down it a ways till you come to a circular area with no trees. You’ll see my light. I’ll be there at nine pm on August 2 and 3. Come whichever date you can. Be very careful. I love you.
I pictured Jocelyn getting the mail. Seeing that envelope with no return address and my handwriting disguised. I pictured her giving it to Win. I imagined the scene obsessively as I stocked the shelves in the pharmacy. It was the only thing that had made me smile in days.
On Monday night, I told Mama I had a headache and was going to bed early. It was just the two of us at home. Daddy and Buddy were both out. The men from Daddy’s American Legion still got together to play poker, and I was glad they weren’t giving my father the cold shoulder the way Mama’s friends were doing to her. And who knew where Buddy was. He smelled of booze in the mornings and I was worried about him, but I knew that right now wasn’t the time to confront him. I was tiptoeing around everyone. I’d caused my family pain and I was trying to go about my days quietly without making a fuss. None of us mentioned SCOPE, race, poverty, politics, bridge, poor sales at the pharmacy, or anything of any importance whatsoever. When we spoke at all, it was usually about the weather.
I arranged my pillows under my blankets so that my bed looked slept-in, then I left my bedroom and walked quietly to the stairs. Mama had the television on, and I could hear the drone of TV voices. I tiptoed down the stairs and out the back door, carrying my sleeping bag, a flashlight, and a paper bag containing two brownies I’d baked when I got home from the pharmacy. I’d given Win the choice of tonight or tomorrow night. If he didn’t come tonight, I didn’t know if I could survive another whole day like this one, waiting and hoping, my heart pounding nonstop all day long.
The moon was brighter than I’d anticipated, and my eyes adapted quickly to the darkness. In my imagination, the night had been far too dark for Win to be seen as he walked toward the woods at the end of the street. It was dark enough, I reassured myself. And besides, the only other person on Hockley Street tonight was my mother and she was parked in front of the TV, thinking her wayward daughter was safe upstairs.
The night was sticky hot and the kudzu rose like huge black monsters on either side of me. I felt a mosquito bite my shoulder. I was wearing a sundress I’d owned since I was sixteen. It was my favorite, a vibrant blue that looked black in the moonlight. I never wore a bra with this dress; the straps were too skinny and I was so small-breasted that a bra was unneeded. Quickening my pace as I neared the woods, I felt the fabric brush my nipples. I’d take this dress off for Win, if that’s what he wanted. The thought was electrifying. I felt a yearning for him, a need I’d never experienced with Reed.
I turned on my flashlight when I reached the woods. I didn’t need it, really. I knew the way to the circle and the tree house, plus the moonlight lit the narrow dirt road, but I wanted to experience the walk the way Win would. When I reached the circle, I walked around the oak tree and climbed the steps to the tree house. Opening my sleeping bag, I spread it out on the floor. Then I scooted on all fours onto the deck and sat down with my feet dangling over the edge, as I used to with Buddy, and I left my light burning, like a candle in a window.
I didn’t know what time it was when I finally saw his light. It appeared through the trees, then disappeared, then appeared again. I knew it was him. It had to be. I wanted to call his name, but didn’t dare, even though we were miles from anybody and too far from my house for my mother to hear me even if she stepped outside. Finally, he was in the circle, walking toward my tree.
He looked up at me. “I didn’t expect to find you in a tree.” He held the flashlight close to his face. I could see his rare smile. His white teeth.
“Come around the trunk,” I said. “There are steps.”
In a moment, he was with me on the sleeping bag. I’d imagined that we’d eat brownies, chat about everyone at SCOPE and how the canvassing was going, and then, finally, kiss. But—and it was entirely my doing—I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my lips to his.
Wherever he was staying now, it had a shower, because he smelled of soap. He kissed me with the same hunger I felt. Then I held him away from me.
“Want me to slow down?” he asked.
As an answer, I lifted my dress over my head. Tossed it to the side. In the dim light from the flashlight, I saw his eyes widen at my near nakedness.
“Are you sure?” he asked. “You told me you didn’t want to have sex unless you were married.”
I didn’t want to think about the obstacles to us being able to marry. I wanted to think about right now. “Yes, I’m sure,” I said, reaching for the buttons on his shirt.
We lay down and his kisses grew tender, his touch less hurried as he explored my body. The slowness only increased my hunger for him, and by the time he slipped inside me, I was more than ready for him. I expected pain, but there was little. Rather I felt only the relief of being so close to him.
I cried when it was over, the tears coming from some place I’d never known existed. He held me as I wept. He didn’t utter false words of comfort. Instead, as he stroked my hair, he said softly, “I know. I know.” Because we both did know, didn’t we? We knew this was impossible.
As we slowly came out of our reverie, we sat naked and ate brownies and talked about the work in Flint—he was canvassing with Paul now—and we chatted as though we had our own little world inside the tree house and nothing outside could hurt us.
“I miss everyone so much,” I said after we lay down again, his arm around me once more. “I really miss being with a bunch of people, singing freedom songs.”
“What’s your favorite?” he asked.
I didn’t have to think about it. “I’ll Fly Away,” I said. “Even if it’s talking about being, well, dead, it’s got that joyous feeling to it.”
“Death is nothing but a metaphor in that song,” he said, and he serenaded me with a couple of verses, making me smile and pull even closer to him.
Then, for a little while, we were quiet. Finally he spoke again.
“Listen, Ellie,” he said. “I know we haven’t known each other very long, but I’m not going to stop loving you.”
“Me neither,” I said. I’d never felt so sure of something.
He hesitated. Ran a hand up my arm. “You know I never planned on falling in love with a white girl,” he said, touching my cheek, “but I’ve been looking at things from a different angle lately. I know you’re as committed to civil rights as I am. That’s what matters most to me.”
“I am,” I said.
He hesitated. “If we could figure out a way,” he said slowly, “would you consider marrying me?”
I was both stunned and thrilled, but I felt the real world trying to work its way into the tree house. I wouldn’t let it. “Yes,” I said. “But I don’t think we could stay here. In Derby County.”
“I don’t think we could stay in the South at all,” he said. “Not safely. We’d have to go north. Or west.”
“What about your family?” I felt so distant from mine, except for Buddy. It would take time, I thought, but Buddy would come around. He wouldn’t want to lose me, no matter what I did—or who I married.
“I don’t know about my parents,” he said. “Not sure how they’d react. Most important, though, I’d have to find a way to take care of my sister.”
“Yes,” I agreed. I knew how much he adored his handicapped sister. “And I don’t want to give up my dream of being a pharmacist. I love that mixture of magic and science.”
That made him chuckle. “I love your brain,” he said.
I laughed happily. “That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.”
He squeezed my shoulder. “There’s more where that came from.” I knew he was smiling.
“And your dream of being a teacher,” I said. “You can’t lose that. So we’d have to go someplace where we could continue going to school.”
“School part time,” he said. “We’d have to work to keep a roof over our heads.”
“Right.” I couldn’t believe we were talking about this. Maybe it could really happen. A tremor of joy passed through me at the possibility of a life with him.
It was nearly midnight when we walked together up Hockley Street toward Round Hill Road, where he’d left Paul’s car. We held hands, our flashlights off, letting the moon guide us. I felt a little sore and wistful. I wondered if he was thinking what I was: The only place we could safely hold hands was in darkness. The only place we could be lovers was in hiding. Maybe we could have a future together, but it was distant and complicated. My joy at being so close to him was suddenly marred by my sadness.
As we passed the house, I saw that Buddy’s black truck and our family car, which my father had taken to his poker game, were now in the driveway. I’d expected that, but I hadn’t expected that the kitchen light would be on. Who was up and how would I get into the house and upstairs to my room? I said none of that to Win but he seemed to sense my anxiety, his hand tightening around mine.
“You live in a big ol’ farmhouse,” he said in a whisper.
“Mm.” I knew he’d grown up in the heart of Darville. Different worlds, in too many ways to count. I walked him out to Paul’s car. Round Hill Road was dark. No other cars. No people. I leaned against the sedan and he kissed me good night.
“Thursday night,” he said.
“Thursday night,” I agreed.
Walking back to my house, I saw the kitchen light reflected off the side of Buddy’s truck in the driveway. I hoped someone had left the light on accidentally. I decided to go in the front door. Maybe no one would notice me and I could slip up the stairs to my room unseen.
I opened the front door. I was so quiet, I couldn’t imagine how anyone could hear me, but as soon as I stepped into the room and shut the door softly behind me, my father’s voice boomed from the kitchen.
“Ellie, get in here.”
I shut my eyes. Took in a breath. Made sure my dress was on right side out. Then I walked into the kitchen.
They were all waiting for me. My mother, father, brother. Mama sat at the table, crying, blotting her tears with a cloth napkin, and for a brief moment, I thought this midnight meeting had nothing to do with me. Had someone died?
“What’s going on?” I asked, already feeling guilty that I hoped this was about some tragedy and not about me.
“Sit down,” Daddy said. It was a command. This was about me, after all.
I sat down at my usual place at the table. I glanced at Buddy, sitting across from me. He just shook his head and looked away.
“You know,” my father said, “we didn’t talk to you about the toll your shenanigans have taken on our good name in this town and maybe we should have, because you don’t seem to have figured out on your own what you’ve cost us.”
“I was only gone for a month,” I protested. “Your good name must have been pretty fragile if you could lose it over me trying to give poor people a say in their government.”
“Eleanor!” my mother snapped, and I knew I’d stepped way over the line.
“You were with that boy tonight,” Buddy accused me.
“What boy? What are you talking about? I was just outside to get some air. It’s stifling in—”
“Don’t lie to us!” my father shouted. “Mama thought she heard a sound and went to your room to check on you, and found your bed empty.”
“What are you doing, Ellie?” Mama asked. “Who’ve you turned into?”
“I saw you with him,” Buddy said, and the way he looked at me, I thought he knew I’d taken off my dress for Win. Let him touch me all over. Let him inside me.
“How could you see me with someone when I wasn’t with anyone?” I asked.
“Two people comin’ down Hockley Road in the moonlight? Could tell it was you plain as day, but couldn’t make out the face of the boy. I assume he’s the same one I beat up? Didn’t learn his lesson?”
I felt frightened, not for myself, but for Win. Buddy’s expression was serious and determined. He thought he was protecting me from someone—or something—but he was only hurting me.
“Look, everybody.” My body trembled as I got to my feet. “I’m done with him. Tonight was just to tell him that. I’m done with him and I’ve left SCOPE and I’ll start seeing Reed again and we can all put this month behind us, okay?”
I would do it, too. I’d do whatever I had to do to protect Win and get everyone off my back. I’d return to my old life. I’d work on getting Brenda’s friendship back. That might take time. I’d get back in everyone’s good graces, and then, when I got my pharmacist degree, I would move someplace far, far away where I could be my own person and not have to bend to the rules of anyone else.
“You’re telling the truth?” My father looked suspicious. “You’ll get back with Reed?”
“Yes. Not right this second. Not tomorrow. Let me ease into this, okay? I need to do this on my own time and I can’t expect him to just pick up where we left off, either. But I ended it with Win … the guy you saw me with tonight.” I looked at Buddy, acknowledging that he was right. “It’s over.” It hurt to say those words.
My mother was shaking her head. “I’m so ashamed of you,” she said. “So disgusted! How could … ugh.” She shuddered. “I just don’t under—”
“It’s all right, Pat,” my father said, resting his hand on her shoulder. “She says it’s over. Let’s forget it happened. If Reed can forgive her, we can too.”
“Thanks, Daddy,” I said. I was amazed they seemed to believe me. I wasn’t sure about my brother. His eyes were narrowed and suspicious and I had the feeling he would have liked to take another swipe at Win. But I seemed to have come out of this on top. “Good night,” I said, and I turned and headed for the stairs wondering how I was going to get a message to Win to stay away on Thursday night.
We would have to work out another way to be together.