CHAPTER 18 – CATHY

As the rich autumn palate faded into the monochrome monotony of winter, my gloom intensified. I’d resumed my role as village teacher, the act an admission that Joy was never coming back.

“Will you stop looking at me like that?” said Michael for the hundredth time.

“Not until you stop looking at me the same way,” I said. “And before you ask, yes I am going out again before dusk.”

He sighed and left the house. How could it be possible? I’d believed that our relationship would last a lifetime. But neither of us could get past blaming the other for the loss of Joy and deep down I blamed myself too. I’d had the power to stop Peter’s return. So much for making a decision for the greater good. The community remained as divided as ever, the rumour mill grinding furiously. Most of the gossip still concerned Peter and Elsie but the increasing efflux of water butts from the village was starting to attract attention. Margaret seemed to be engaged in her own campaign to destroy Michael’s reputation and the Michael-and-Helen story seemed to be gathering momentum. I no longer had the energy or inclination to confront Michael.

My daily rides to the correction camp had become as much for myself as for the AOC, driven by a need to feel useful and to validate my position as village leader. Over the last weeks I’d observed the precise movements of the trucks, identified hiding places, but there was still no sign of which of the factories could be the chemical one. I’d narrowed it down to three units, having seen food supplies entering one of the other candidate concrete cubes.

I arrived at four thirty as the last of the convoys of trucks were leaving. Today’s target was a small building, unit three. I dismounted and tied the horse up by a tree and tiptoed to the perimeter fence. Timing was everything, I’d discovered. In fifteen minutes, the motion-activated lights would be operational. And then I let out a cry of relief. A collection of around twenty stones lay to the left of the gate. That had to be it! Oh, the positioning of the factory couldn’t be better. Close to the gate of the residential unit, but not so close that escaping prisoners would walk straight into the blaze. For the first time, I began to believe that Michael’s plan might work. I kicked the pile over, a sign to the inmates that we’d got the message.

I scuttled towards the horse then stopped at the sounds of barking. Although Mary had domesticated some dogs in the village, most were savage, feral creatures and I wouldn’t want to disturb one. Then I noticed that several dogs had gathered around an object on the ground; presumably a dead animal. Grateful for the distraction, I mounted the horse. As the horse broke into a trot, the dogs dispersed. I glanced at what they were eating. My stomach heaved. It was a human corpse, a woman with dark brown hair.

“Joy?” I whispered. I dismounted. Was this the fate of my daughter, to become food for wild dogs? As I approached the body, the carrion stench made my stomach heave, but I had to be certain. The build – it could be Joy. Then I caught sight of the face. The eyes were gaping sockets, but the face was nothing like Joy’s. Tears flooded down my face, and in my distraction I didn’t hear the approach of footsteps.

“Hey, you,” came a hard female voice.

I swivelled around to see the uniform of a CE and froze. Michael and I were both officially dead as far as the Citidomes were concerned but we weren’t sure what would happen if we were confronted and fingerprinted. Would our records have been deleted from the system? I looked into the face of my enemy. Then my hand shot to my mouth, as did that of the CE. It was like looking at my younger self.

“False alarm, just a wild dog,” said the young woman, then pressed her fingers against the tracker on her cheek and coughed.

“Who are you?” she mouthed.

“If you’re Suna 121968 then I’m your biological mother,” I whispered.

The woman staggered backwards, leaning against a tree for support. She was a few centimetres taller than me, her skin paler than mine though still darker than the norm, but her hazel-green eyes, black hair – straightened and flattened against her hair in Citidome style – and full pink lips made our similarity impossible to miss.

She nodded, then whispered, “But how … you can’t be …”

My mind raced. This was my daughter. But my daughter upheld the rules of the Citidomes. I couldn’t afford to trust her. “Will that pick up what we’re saying?” I pointed at the tracker.

“Not if we whisper. But not long. Meant to be back soon. You should stay away … runaway on the loose. But you know my name?”

“I escaped from Sigma-2, seventeen years ago. I saw you twice, at kindergarten. I realised from your date of birth and your looks that you must be the child developed from my stem cell.”

She stared at me with the look of a rabbit in a snare, clearly too terrified to say more.

“A CE; that’s a good job,” I said. “Do you enjoy it?”

Suna didn’t react at first, as if formulating the answer in her mind. Then her head dropped and she shook her head. “Is it good outside?” she mouthed.

“It has its own problems but yes, I’ve been much happier outside than I ever was in Sigma-2.” I paused; should I say more? “I’ve given birth naturally; you have a half-sister and two half-brothers.”

Suna bit her lip, then turned away. “Have to go.”

And with that she was gone. So that was the daughter I’d wondered about all these years. Why didn’t I feel more? She’d piqued my curiosity – she seemed so unhappy. But I didn’t feel a yearning to see her again. Maybe the part of my brain that felt emotion had just had enough. Still, I returned home feeling lighter than I had for weeks.

When I returned, Michael had prepared dinner. He acknowledged me with only a nod, evaporating my mood.

“I found it,” I said. “It’s this one.” I pointed to a place on the map we’d constructed.

He span around. “That’s fantastic.”

“Glad to know I can do something right,” I muttered.

“Well you have. It’s the last missing part of the puzzle.” His manner was one of a leader congratulating an underling. “Me and Helen got another three water butts to the bunker today and separated off a section for medical treatment.”

“That’s nice for the chosen few.” Why was I being like this, taking any chance to snipe, to undermine? According to my counts of the arriving and departing trucks, around seven hundred people inhabited the camps. Those who were last to reach the bunker would have to take their chances. Maybe they’d have to shoot people at the entrance. Perhaps I was too soft-hearted to be a leader. I’d encountered violence, attacked people myself, but the thought sickened me. Maybe I should tell Daniel I wasn’t up to the task, resign my leadership. But not yet. Not with Outbreak day so close.

“Sorry you don’t think liberating hundreds of people much of an achievement.” Michael’s voice was tight. “Dinner’s ready.”

We ate in silence except for the scrape of cutlery against plates. Should I tell him about Suna? I sighed. No, I couldn’t face his disapproval over how I’d handled the situation. No doubt I’d have said too much or too little and somehow compromised the safety of bloody Outbreak day.

“That was lovely, thanks,” I said, although Anna’s cider had failed to soften the stringiness of the rabbit in the casserole. We’d been living on rabbit and squirrel for weeks; all the AOC members were saving their meat rations for preserved meats to store in the bunkers.

“I’ll wash up; you must be tired,” Michael said, excruciatingly polite.

How long could we exist like this? Once the boys were in bed, the evening stretched out in front of us and I felt too tired to read. I’d have to make an effort to make conversation, but any attempt to say what I wanted to say would be futile. Any attempts to repair our relationship would have to wait until after Outbreak Day.

***

The following day was a school day, but gossip had even reached the playground.

“Miss Cathy, where’s all the water going?” asked Ian. “Dad says there’s something funny going on.”

“We’re taking it to another village; they’ve got a contaminated water supply.”

“Told you,” said Scott with a smug grin.

“And is it right that Uncle Peter got Elsie up the duff, and did the same to Joy, and that’s why Ryan hit him over the head with a hammer?”

I sighed. I’d always considered myself a natural teacher but the endless questions were becoming harder to fend off. A chill settled over me. Had Joy gone into hiding because she was pregnant? But where was she? It was becoming harder to imagine that she was alive.

That evening Michael returned from his session on the DataBand, looking even more preoccupied than usual.

“I had a message from the AOC rep in West Bridgford,” he said. “A CE paid them a visit. She was looking for a villager who fitted your description. And he said that she looked like a younger version of you.”

“Suna.” I sighed. “I saw her yesterday.” I told him all about the encounter.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Thought you wouldn’t approve of me talking to her.”

“Oh, Cathy.” His sigh was long and heavy. “But if she was looking for you …”

“She was only out because she was looking for that escapee.”

“Ah. In that case she won’t be out again. I had another message, from Ann in Bradfield. I knew they’d been hiding the escapee. A CE came and captured her today.”

“You didn’t tell me you knew where the escapee was.”

“No. It seems we don’t tell each other anything any more.” Michael scratched his head, as if searching for topics of conversation. “I had a message from Harry, asking if we’d heard anything from Joy. So he still cares.”

“Shame he didn’t show it earlier.”

And that’s how we were until the last weekend before Outbreak Day. Michael was more stressed than he’d ever been. I felt him shifting around in the bed beside me and wondered whether he slept at all. Not that I asked; we seemed to have lost the ability to communicate about anything real. Daisy and Anna had been briefed on the plan, Daisy being recruited as a driver.

“Is everything in place?” I asked.

We’d all almost forgotten Outbreak-3, the small outbreak from Sigma-2, which was scheduled three days before Outbreak-4, the big one. I hoped Michael hadn’t neglected it too much. People had been injured and killed on these smaller missions, too.

“Yeah,” Michael said. “We have detailed plans of where the TravelPods and horses go, as well as the route to the bunkers. Helen’s going in first – we’ll put any injured people from Outbreak-3 in there with her and send everyone else along the canal to the safe house in Hest Bank.” At this he shot me a tender look. The ‘safe house’ was the house with a cellar in which I’d spent an unhappy few months. Tears filled my eyes. He still cared, of course he did.

“You haven’t had second thoughts about me coming with you instead of Daisy?”

He gave the sigh that was becoming his trademark response to anything I said these days. “We’ve been through it time and time again. We can’t risk anything happening to both of us, for Scott and Adam’s sake.”

“It’s like no-one can say her name any more. She’ll always be the lost daughter –” but the rest was lost in tears. His arms encircled me, and I could feel from his shaking shoulders that he was crying too.

“When does it stop hurting?” he whispered into my hair.

“I don’t think it ever will.”

We held each other and gave way to our grief, my body shuddering, but the tears refused to ease the pain. And just as I thought we’d had a breakthrough, Adam began crying. The moment was lost.

Soon there was no time for anything except intense planning. On the Tuesday, Helen came to say goodbye before installing herself in the bunker.

“I’ll be thinking of you,” I said. “You look pale; you OK?”

“Just been a little run down. I hope the community copes while I’m gone.” Helen’s pale face showed her strain. She seemed much older than her age – only thirty – and I felt a pang of guilt at my suspicions. Helen was married to her work. Surely she wasn’t capable of conducting an illicit affair?

“Ah, here’s Michael,” I said, and drew Helen into an embrace. “Stay safe.”

Michael dismounted and helped Helen up. As he did, I couldn’t help notice a flush settle on Helen’s cheeks.

“See you later,” Michael said to me, and then to Helen, “Ready for some fun? I don’t ride slowly.”

As Helen gave an uncharacteristic giggle, I felt the chill again. No. It was impossible. I stood there, watching them until they’d disappeared from view, my eyes focussed on Helen’s arms around Michael’s waist. I returned home, fed Adam but couldn’t settle.

“Scott, do you mind looking after your brother for a little while? I need to see Nanna and Daisy.”

“Sure,” he said.

Within minutes, I was sitting in Anna’s living room, venting my fears to Anna and Daisy.

“I heard the rumour,” Anna said. “It’s rubbish, you know that. I know our Michael’s not perfect. But infidelity? That’s not his style at all.”

“I thought we’d gone through this before,” Daisy said. If anything’s going on, it’s one-sided – oh shit, excuse me.” And with that, Daisy fled the room.

“She’s been like this all day, vomiting from both ends,” Anna explained. “I reckon she’s picked up a bug. I don’t think she should go tomorrow. But back to you, Daisy’s right. What if Helen has feelings for Michael? He’d no sooner cheat on you than –”

“I didn’t want to tell you, but things have been so awful between us …” My words were drowned in sobs.

“I could bang your heads together,” Anna said. “Do you think I haven’t noticed? Even if Michael hadn’t told me all about it, it’s obvious. Whenever you’re both in the same room, the temperature goes down by a few degrees. You need to stop blaming yourselves. Whatever happened to Joy, it wasn’t either of your faults. And Cathy … I know about the difficulties you’re having with Adam, too. Why don’t you tell me things any more?”

“It’s such a dreadful thing. I couldn’t admit it to anyone except Daisy and – oh no – Helen. She might have told Michael. I don’t want him to know. That’s why I couldn’t tell you.”

“I wish you had,” Anna said. “Michael might be my biological child, but I love you both equally. And for what it’s worth, I think Michael’s in the wrong. He tells me you’re snappy and he thinks you don’t spent enough time with the boys but hasn’t questioned why. He’s focussed on this sodding outbreak so much that he can’t see what’s right under his nose.”

“I feel so useless these days,” I muttered. “I thought becoming village leader was my big chance to step out from under Michael’s shadow, but I made one decision, and it led to disaster. All I seem to have done is divided the village.”

“Huh, it’s Margaret that’s doing that. She still won’t accept what Peter did to Elsie and Joy, so she’s trying to turn people against you and Michael.”

Daisy returned, her complexion even more washed-out than usual. Deep, dark shadows surrounded her eyes. I added selfishness to my list of failings. Why hadn’t I noticed?

“Been shitting through the eye of a needle for a day now,” Daisy grumbled.

“Did you sleep last night?” I said.

“Not much.”

“Daisy, you need to rest – ”

“I know what you’re going to say, but don’t. I’m still driving tomorrow.”

“You can’t. If nothing else, you’ll be a danger to the others if you’re not on top form. I’ll go instead. I’ve wanted to go all along but Michael insists I don’t.”

“He’s got a point. What about Scott and Adam?” Anna said.

“You could take them again tomorrow, couldn’t you?” I pleaded. “There isn’t anyone else.”

“That’s not what I meant. I don’t want those boys to be orphans.”

“Drivers are safe. Besides, tomorrow’s the easy one. It’s the next one we need to worry about.” A sick feeling of dread settled on my stomach.

When Michael returned, I said nothing about Daisy. If I sprung it on him tomorrow, he’d have no choice. Instead, I said, “Was Helen OK?”

“Yeah,” he said, not meeting my eyes.

“Poor thing. I wouldn’t fancy being in that huge bunker on my own all night. And it’ll be seven weeks before she sees daylight again.”

“If anyone can cope, Helen can. She’s one of the most capable people I know.”

Unlike me. I bit back the words.

As I lay beside him that night, unable to sleep and suspecting he was also awake, I began to fret. After insisting that Daisy would be unfit to drive, I couldn’t afford to be tired. So it was with surprise that I heard the alarm call of the DataBand. Six o clock! I’d managed to sleep at least five hours after all. Michael leapt out of bed and frowned as I followed.

“Don’t flip, but Daisy’s got a stomach bug. I only found out last night. I’m driving.”

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me?” he growled “Daniel could have driven.”

“I reckon Daniel’s heart’s worse than he’s letting on; it seemed too much of a risk. If you can’t trust me to make any decisions of my own, what’s the point of me being leader?”

“And what about Adam and Scott? Oh, I forgot. You’re not bothered about your sons, only your lost daughter.”

In reply I slapped his face, a crisp, sharp sound that gave me no satisfaction. “Anna’s coming over,” I muttered.

“We haven’t got time for this. Let’s get going.”

I drove the TravelPod in silence, biting back the tears. Had I made yet another disastrous decision? The journey seemed infinite but when I pulled up at the allotted spot some five hundred metres from the Citidome gate, I gasped at the sight of five TravelPods, fifteen horses and a small army of people, all armed with makeshift weapons of sorts. So many people at risk, and this was meant to be the easy one! The danger of the situation, a fact I’d ignored until this minute, hit me with unbearable force. I looked at Michael and saw the fear behind his eyes.

“Michael …” I began. But my words were taken from me by a kiss of such ferocity it took away my ability to think at all. How long since he’d last kissed me like that?

“I love you Cathy.”

“I love you too. Stay safe,” I whispered, and with that we exited the TravelPod.

“Cutting it fine weren’t you?” said one of the community leaders.

“It’s 6:58 – I’m 2 minutes early.” Michael grinned.

“Cathy, we weren’t expecting you,” another leader said.

“Daisy’s sick,” I said.

“Remember what we agreed, that the drivers only move forward if no-one comes this way three minutes after the signal,” Michael said. “I know this is selfish, but I want Cathy to be an exception.”

“Of course, the children. We’ll make sure nothing happens to her.”

I felt that I ought to protest but didn’t, moved by the immediate compliance of the others.

“What do we do now?” I said.

“Stay in hiding until we hear something,” said Michael. “Remember to look in all directions. Once the alarm’s raised, guards could come out of the other gates. I reckon we have two or three minutes, tops, then we need to retreat. Drivers, stay here. Fighters, time to advance. Each driver stood by their vehicle, whether TravelPod or horse.

Time moved with agonizing slowness. 7:15 came and went. Then, at 7:19, a furore made my muscles tense in preparation to move. I heard the shouted word, “Green,” the codeword to indicate that the group’s exit had been achieved. I peered out from behind our camouflage of shrubbery to get a better view of what was going on.

“Over here,” shouted Michael.

The crackle of footsteps on undergrowth heralded the arrival of the escapees. Around twenty people ran towards us. An explosion of gunshot. Someone fell – not Michael. Then Michael pulled a young man to his feet and both ran in my direction. I scanned the landscape and screamed. No-one had noticed the CE approaching on a HoverCycle from the left – he must have exited by another gate. He fired a weapon.

“Michael, other side!” I shouted.

I could never clearly remember what happened next. Gunfire seemed to emanate from all directions. A CE fell. Michael pointed to the TravelPods. Five young men and women ran towards us. One fell, clutching her face. Someone disarmed a CE, knocking his stun gun from his hands and sending him crashing to the ground. Then Michael and the young man both fell and I couldn’t tell from whom the fountain of blood spurted. I closed my eyes, and only when I opened them and the young man leapt into the TravelPod, carrying a body, did I know the truth.