CHAPTER 24 – CATHY

Three days before Christmas, the message arrived. But it didn’t tell me what I wanted to know. The heavy frost had transformed the village into an enchanted festive scene. I took in the view with a growing sense of hopelessness and gloom. I wasn’t ready to celebrate.

 

Area around bunker searched this morning. No sign of recent activity; snow undisturbed except for animal tracks. Rescuers meet in arranged locations at 09:00. Tomorrow is Day 1. Estimated numbers as follows:

 

Day 1: Hest Bank 19; Ashford 17 + 1 deceased.

 

Deceased. I stopped reading and tightened my shawl around me. It had been agreed that casualties would be returned for burial only if they had family in their home villages. So the worst was confirmed. I handed the DataBand to Daisy, who handed it to Mary.

“Oh no. B-but it could be Helen,” Mary said.

“I don’t think it’s likely, knowing that Michael was shot. Do you?”

Daisy and Mary enveloped me in a three-way hug. When we released each other, their eyes were shining with unshed tears. “Should we tell Anna and Scott?” Mary said.

“Not yet,” I said. “Let them have another day of hope.”

“I’ll arrange the horse and cart,” said Daisy.

“I want to come,” I said.

“No!” Daisy stood up. “Now listen, for once in your life. After you saw Michael being shot, you came back catatonic. How are you going to be when … if, the worst has happened? Stay with Scott. He knows something’s wrong, you know.”

“It’s all getting too hard.” I dropped my head to my hands. “I’m not sure I can be strong for anyone any more. And as for being leader … I didn’t even tell you what happened yesterday. Keep this to yourself, but Tia came round. Elsie’s pregnant.”

“Oh shit.” Daisy shook her head. “Everyone’s been saying it but I didn’t want to believe it.”

“Me neither,” I said. “Tia wanted me to arrange to get rid of it.”

“I can see why,” Daisy said. “Elsie’s too young to have a kid, even if she had the ability to raise one.”

“She’s not too young,” Mary said. “My mum was only fourteen when she had me. And Grandma was fifteen when she had her.”

Mary rarely spoke about her mother, who’d died of a fever three days after giving birth to her. I chose my words carefully. “But think what she’d have given up if she’d raised you.”

“Grandma was there to help. Why can’t Tia raise her?” Mary shrugged.

“Remember, Kate was still under thirty when you were born,” I said. “Tia’s fifty-one. It’s a lot to ask.”

“But getting rid of it? That’s evil.” Mary’s mouth was a tight line. “Besides, is it even possible?”

“I had a chat with Alex,” I said. “There are things we could try, herbal concoctions and the like. But I agree with you, Mary. How can we kill a baby? Think what a gift new blood is to around here. Elsie and Peter aren’t blood relations; there’s no reason why the child shouldn’t be normal and healthy. And Elsie’s physically capable of bearing a child. It’ll be difficult for her on an emotional level but there are plenty of people to give her support after it’s born. Let someone in another village adopt the baby.”

“Phew, that’s a moral dilemma.” Daisy blew out her cheeks. “Let Elsie give birth and then take the baby away from her? Did you tell Tia this?”

“Yeah,” I said. “But I tried to point out the benefits for Elsie. I told her an abortion was potentially more dangerous than adoption. She wasn’t happy, but I’m learning that being leader means sometimes you can’t keep everyone happy; sometimes you’ve got to go with your instincts. I wish I’d realised that before I let Peter back in.”

“You can’t torture yourself with that for the rest of your life,” Mary said. “What a week. That and the relocations.”

“Yes, that wasn’t easy.” The refugees at the Barrel Inn had been unhappy to discover that they were to be relocated to separate communities. Over their time in exile, they’d formed a strong alliance. We’d allocated them in groups of two or three to each of the communities centred around our market town. “But my idea of having regular socials based around Bakewell seemed to appease them. We’re becoming a more mobile population. In future people are going to have friends in different locations. It’s important they’re encouraged to maintain those links.”

“You’re right. And sixteen newcomers coming back with Helen. It’s going to change things around here. Michael would have been so proud of you,” Daisy said.

“Yes.” I rubbed my chin. “I think he would.”

This is how it would be from now on, wouldn’t it? Speaking of Michael in the past tense, as we did about Joy. I remembered how it felt last time, seventeen years ago, when I believed he was dead. At the time, the pain seemed too great to bear. But this would be infinitely worse. Back then, we were still at the passionate beginning of our relationship. If he’d died then, all my memories of him would have been good ones. Even a year ago, the same would have been true. I thought of the last months, of bitter recriminations and non-communication. Would they become my abiding memories? Then I realised that Daisy was still talking.

“– and letting Hope stay. That was a smart move.”

“Yeah, Beth’s pleased to have a new friend,” Mary said.

“It’s brought out a new side to Margaret, hasn’t it?” I returned my focus to our conversation. “She even asked me if I’d heard any news of Michael yesterday. I have to admit, letting Hope stay was my one soft-hearted decision. She doesn’t look much of a farmer, almost certainly not capable of bearing children, but have you seen the way Matt looks at her? He’s smitten.” My throat tightened. “How are we going to handle tomorrow? I mean, I’m going to get the roads guarded – best be careful – but what about once they all arrive? I feel we ought to have some sort of welcome party for the newcomers but knowing that…” The rest was lost as the tears I’d been suppressing gushed out with full force.

“Hey, it’s OK,” Daisy said. “Let it all out. Better now than tomorrow.”

“Our last months together,” I sobbed. “We were tearing each other apart.”

“Hindsight’s a wonderful thing,” Daisy said. “But you’ve had more than seventeen years together. What you and Michael had, few people get in a lifetime. Hold onto that.”

“I’m trying but I might unravel tomorrow. Not the stuff of leadership, is it?”

“You’re always strong when it counts,” Mary said. “And you’ll have us two and Anna with you, and your boys. We all love you.”

“Anna. This is going to destroy her.”

“She’s stronger than you think,” Daisy said. “Put yourself first, for once.”

I blew my nose. “What would I do without you two?”

“You’d cope. You always do.”

“So, tomorrow. We need to prepare people.”

“Perhaps it’s best to keep it low-key,” Daisy said. “Spread the word that the newcomers are arriving, arm the guards and make sure everyone’s alert, but at the same time say there’ll be no celebrations until we know that Michael and Helen are back safely.”

“I’d better tell Maeve in the bakery, then alert Julia and organise the catering,” I said. One of the older village residents had volunteered to be warden of the new academy.

“Ssh, I think that’s Scott coming in.”

I wiped my eyes and prepared to be the strong mother and leader everyone would expect of me.

“Will Daddy be home for Christmas?” Scott asked.

“Let’s hope so, sweetheart,” I said.

At least after tomorrow there’d be no more pretence.