When Aiden surveyed the buffet breakfast on Sunday morning, he knew he’d stuffed up. He sat on the timber patio with his muesli and ate, barely tasting it. Friends? Friends? That’s all he wanted? Bile added a bitter taste to his breakfast. What was wrong with him?
Before Sally, Aiden wouldn’t have hesitated to date Mia. Ever since he’d seen her that morning in the lobby in her trackpants and flannel shirt, he’d been fighting his attraction to her. And every day since, he’d felt his heart grow lighter and lighter. Kissing her…
He shivered and glared at his cereal. Kissing Mia had been wonderful. She made him feel wanted. She made him feel young and happy and as though the future held endless possibilities. She was the entire reason his holiday had been so enjoyable. Without her, he’d have continued to brood and wallow in the endless cycle of work, sleep, eat, repeat that his life had become. In the hurt Sally had caused.
It might have been a little more than a year now and the pain had eased substantially, but he was still hurting. Sally had cut out his heart and stomped all over it. He’d managed to pick up some pieces, enough to continue to love and care for Ella. But to entrust his heart to another woman? No matter how perfect Mia seemed…the thought of taking that risk sent his broken heart racing. Sweat prickled his spine.
He wasn’t ready.
And his last days in Bali were none too pleasant.
***
The world righted itself when Aiden strode from the arrivals gate and saw his daughter bouncing in his mother’s arms. Her blue eyes lit up and she squealed. ‘Daddy!’
He rushed towards them and dropped his bag to the ground. Plucking Ella from Jane’s hold, he hugged her close. As her tiny arms wrapped tight around his neck, he closed his eyes and breathed in her sweet scent—strawberry soap and chocolate cookies his mother would have overfed her. His shoulders loosened and everything inside him settled. This was all he needed, right here in his arms. This was his whole life. His future. The only person who held his heart and who he needed to focus on.
His daughter.
So why was there still pain inside him?
‘Oh, baby girl, Daddy missed you so much.’ He glanced at his mum and managed a small smile. ‘Hey, Mum.’ He pressed a kiss to her cheek, Ella still clinging to him like a monkey. ‘How are you?’
‘Good. This little one has been excited all morning.’
‘I miss you, Daddy!’
He prised Ella away and settled her lower on his hip. He smiled and tapped her adorable button nose. ‘Daddy’s home now, Ella. And I have lots of presents for you.’
Her eyes widened and she clapped her hands together with a gasp.
His mother smiled. ‘How about we get you two home first?’ She took the handle of his suitcase. ‘Then we’ll do presents.’
They left the airport and met his father in the pickup zone. Ella chatted the whole way home, telling him how she’d picked Grandma’s flowers and iced cupcakes and helped her decorate the Christmas tree. Aiden listened, making a big deal over the smallest details. He loved listening to her talk, unable to believe how quickly she was growing up. Only yesterday, she’d been a tiny baby, gurgling and laughing. He’d loved watching her grow and had committed every day to memory. She’d instilled enough fear in him when she’d started crawling, more so when she’d found her feet. Ella had changed so much, which made him sad as well as happy. He missed his baby, but he couldn’t wait until she grew bigger. She’d be talking better, thinking smarter, and would be striving for independence, insisting on doing things by herself. Before he knew it, she’d be off to school. Making friends.
She’d grow up.
And Sally hadn’t wanted any part of that.
Aiden slumped in his seat and shook his head. His gaze drifted out the window to the dryness that was Townsville, but his chest didn’t fill with the same ache as it once had. Sally might not want to know how Ella got on, but that was her loss. He couldn’t let her actions weigh him down because they’d weigh Ella down. That’s what Mia had said. She’d felt the loss of her father greater because her mum had continued to mourn him, and Aiden didn’t want that. If he wished Sally was part of Ella’s life, then Ella would too. And she still might, but it wouldn’t be because of his inability to find closure.
The car halted as his father pulled up outside his apartment block, and Aiden slowly unclipped his seatbelt. He might be able to let go of Sally, but the thought of Ella not having a mother still tore his heart to shreds. So, perhaps…
‘Aiden?’
He blinked, jolted from his thoughts as he realised his parents were out of the car. His mum unbuckled Ella from her car seat.
Jane frowned. ‘Are you okay?’
He opened his door. ‘Yeah.’
Shaking away his thoughts, he climbed out of the car. Aiden lugged his suitcase up the stairs while his father carried the smaller bag and his mum followed with Ella, who insisted she could walk and was climbing the stairs two feet at a time.
He stepped inside and everything inside him loosened. The small apartment might not have been his ideal place to raise his family, but he’d done his best to make it feel like home with the comforting décor and Ella’s baby photos on the wall. Taking his suitcase to the lounge, he got straight into the most important part of returning from holiday—presents.
It wasn’t helpful that each gift reminded him of Mia. She’d bought the same cushion covers from the elephant sanctuary that he gave his mother, and the frangipani hairclips he slid into Ella’s dark locks only reminded him of how pretty they’d looked in Mia’s blonde waves.
Then there was the elephant painting.
Sighing, he moved into the kitchen to fix himself and his parents some mangosteen tea, but the thought of Mia wouldn’t budge. She’d loved mangosteen tea.
She could love him…
He gritted his teeth and settled at his small dining table, watching Ella as she played with her new plush elephant. She’d raced into her bedroom to gather her other favourite toys—Pink Teddy, Rainbow Unicorn, and Minnie—and had sat them around her plastic table and chairs to introduce them to Bali Elephant while hosting her own imaginary tea party.
Aiden sipped his real tea. Ella’s delight and easy playfulness was somewhat calming. She was such a happy little girl, despite not having a mother.
‘This is lovely tea, Aiden,’ Jane said, placing her cup down. ‘What do you think, Ed?’
His father’s mouth twisted. ‘It’s very sweet. I’m not sure if I like fruity teas.’
Neither did Aiden, but he’d bought it for his mum and was glad she liked it.
His father glanced at him from the opposite side of the table. ‘So, mate, you had a good time?’
He nodded. ‘Yeah. Thank you both very much, again. It was nice to get away. Good to have some time to myself. You were right.’
‘And you feel recharged? Happier? Less stressed?’
He recalled their conversation when they’d offered him the holiday. Get away… Be yourself… Have fun… Find joy in life again…
He’d done all those things and more. He had plans to make next year even better for himself and Ella. So why did he feel underwhelmed?
But as he glanced at his parents and their kind, loving faces, he shook the gloom away as a genuine smile curved his mouth. ‘I honestly thought you two were reaching when you gave me this trip. I didn’t see how going away alone to another country would be helpful at all. Especially without Ella. But it turns out, I do feel better. I had a fabulous time and did things I never thought I’d do. So, thank you.’ He reached for one of their hands each. ‘You two are the best parents ever and I’m very grateful. I just hope that…’ Sighing, he glanced at Ella, ‘I’ll be half as good a parent as you two.’
His mother smiled softly and placed her hand over his. ‘It’s not an easy thing to see when your child is down, Aiden. We know how much Sally hurt you and hated watching you struggle. So I’m glad you enjoyed yourself. I can see the difference it’s made in you, so you’re very welcome. And you will always be an excellent father.’
They released each other’s hands and sipped their tea. Aiden watched as Ella held a plastic teacup to Rainbow Unicorn’s mouth. She was good at playing independently, he’d give her that. Although if his parents weren’t there, he’d be sitting on the floor playing tea parties himself. That, in his book, is what made him a good dad, playing with and encouraging his daughter’s imagination.
‘So…’ his father said with an exaggerated sigh. ‘You need to tell us, mate. What’s going on between you and this pretty lass Mia?’
‘Ed!’ his mother scolded. ‘I told you not to press him about that!’
‘I’m merely asking a question.’
Aiden sipped his tea, enjoying the banter between his parents. It made the twist in his heart a little more bearable.
‘Mia’s just a friend,’ he replied, the words thick on his tongue.
‘That’s what I told you, Ed.’
His father shook his head. ‘Yeah, but I know my son.’ His gaze met Aiden’s. ‘Please don’t tell me you’ll let that pretty girl get away.’
‘I’m not. We’re still friends and I hope to catch up with her after the holidays. But…’ He trailed off, unsure of how to finish that sentence. But what?
His parents, to their credit, remained silent. He swallowed the knot forming in his throat and looked at Ella. The next words tumbled from his mouth without a thought. ‘I don’t want a relationship. With Mia or anyone. I can’t risk it. Not when I have Ella to think about. She’s already had one mother leave her, so how could I—’
Jane reached over and squeezed his hand. ‘Aiden…do you like Mia? As more than a friend?’
He met his mother’s kind blue gaze. His mouth twisted. Heart hurt. He knew the truth of it himself, but he’d never been less than honest with his parents. ‘I could. I really think I could. She’s a wonderful woman and we get along so well. But—’
‘There is no “but!”, Aiden. I know Sally hurt you.’ Her voice softened. ‘She hurt me, your father, and sweet little Ella too. But do you honestly think that not allowing another woman into your life is the right answer? Do you think that not loving again is the best thing for your future? For Ella’s?’
Aiden looked at his daughter. Back at his mum. ‘I…I can’t risk it.’
She smiled gently. ‘Oh, my boy… Life isn’t without risk. You loved. You lost. But you didn’t fail, Aiden. You did everything right and I know you’ll continue to do so. You’re a wonderful father and Ella is lucky to have you. But she can’t be your only future, Aiden.’
He watched Ella. She took a frangipani clip from her hair and stuck it on Minnie’s ear. ‘Pretty Minnie!’
Ella was his future. The only future that mattered. He and his little girl against the world.
‘Sally failed us, Mum. I can’t let Ella experience that pain again. If her own mother couldn’t love her, then how can I think…’ He shook his head. ‘I can’t fail Ella.’
‘You haven’t failed, Aiden. Not yet.’
He glanced at his mum. Frowned. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Do you know when you really fail?’
He swallowed. He feared he knew the answer but asked anyway. ‘When?’
‘When you stop trying.’
***
His parents stayed for lunch, then left him to spend his Tuesday afternoon playing with Ella. He didn’t think and instead focused on the comfort of home and having fun with his little girl.
Everything was back to normal. As it should be.
On Wednesday, he returned to work. He spent the morning in clinic, completing routine check-ups, vaccinations, and consulting on acute illnesses. On Thursday, he managed to get his hands wet in routine surgeries, neutering and spaying cats and dogs. He enjoyed himself. It was normal. Fun. This was his real life.
It also proved to be a good distraction from the fantasies that haunted him. The fantasy of Bali.
Mia.
But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t shake his mother’s words.
Failure is when you stop trying.
Aiden grimaced as he set about preparing baked chicken breast and vegetables for dinner. His only job in life was to be a good father. That would never change. Each day he lived to achieve that goal. It’s why he went to work, why he wanted to buy a house. One day he might think about furthering his career, but for now, being an experienced vet at a large practice was all that he needed to provide for Ella.
And he would be happy at work once he started having more fun with Ella and relishing in the fact that he was the one who’d come out on top.
Sally was the one who’d failed. She was the one who couldn’t find that balance and had walked out on her responsibilities. Even if she did choose to be part of Ella’s life one day, she wouldn’t be the warm, maternal mother that Ella deserved.
That door was only open for Ella though, as he certainly wasn’t prepared to let Sally back into his life. She would always be Ella’s mother, but that was it.
Therefore, it begged the question—did he really want to raise Ella on his own? He knew he could do it. He had no problem with that. But one day, Ella would grow up. She would leave. And if he didn’t open himself to love again, he would be alone.
Was that what he wanted?
Aiden’s heart twisted as he diced potatoes. Being alone didn’t sound appealing whatsoever. He’d accepted what fate had given him, but this wasn’t the life he’d dreamed of. He’d never imagined he’d be a struggling single father. He’d always wanted the happy home full of love. A wife. A family. He enjoyed the act of loving another person and feeling her love in return. Marriage had brought him pride. Having someone to come home to of an evening and share his life with had been the best feeling in the world. The greatest thing he’d ever achieved.
Then he’d lost it.
Everything had fallen around him. He’d been left shattered.
But he was still here. He’d survived and he’d go on surviving. Alone?
Wincing, he tossed the potatoes into the pot. Being in a relationship opened so many more possibilities. He knew that. But was he ready to try again? To risk losing? Hurting?
Risk hurting Ella?
Then again…she too had survived.
So would he continue to deprive himself of more? Deprive Ella of more? Twelve months ago, he’d thought if Ella’s own mother couldn’t love her, then how could he expect another woman to? It was a foolish thought. He wasn’t naïve to the ways of the world and didn’t doubt that another woman could fall in love with his daughter. Ella was sweet and kind and adorable. Any woman would be lucky to have her. Another woman could open her heart to Ella and love her as a mother should.
Mia could have that heart.
His pulse began to race as he turned to the stove and set the potatoes on to boil. Did he want Ella to never know the love of a mother? Did he want to give up his chance for love again? To marry? To build on his family? To give Ella siblings and himself more children? He’d always wanted a big family. He was reminded of that as he sat with Ella and ate dinner. Was this it? Just the two of them? It was nice. Quiet. But then he pictured Mia sitting across from him, and the world brightened.
Wincing, he stabbed at his pumpkin. Why was it so damn hard?
He and Ella ate dinner, then he bathed her, read her favourite story Cinderella—twice—and put her to bed.
He sat at his computer with a beer and ran his hands down his face. No matter how hard he tried, he hadn’t stopped thinking about Mia. The last two days in Bali had been worse than the first two before he’d met her. He missed Mia—her ease, her friendliness, her smile. There was nothing about her that he hadn’t liked. She really was like no woman he’d ever met.
Now, he would force himself to face her again, and go through his photos. He hadn’t wanted to. To see pictures of Mia and remember the splendid time they’d shared would only remind him of how much he feared he was in love with her.
Because dammit, she was special. And if he were to risk loving again and he lost, then so be it. He’d survived once. He’d survive again.
But if he took a chance and won…then he’d reap the rewards. A wife. A family. Love. Hope. Happiness. A future.
Aiden gritted his teeth and clenched his hand around the computer mouse. What was he so afraid of?
He opened his photos and forced himself to click through them. The first few days were easy, there weren’t many. Then, there she was, smiling up at him from the screen. He and Mia stood atop of Mount Batur, the yellow-pink sunrise as their backdrop. Her flannel shirt hung baggy over her petite frame, wind blew her hair astray, but hell, she was beautiful.
His throat tightened as he continued clicking through. His heart pounded harder. And he wondered…what had he been thinking?
So what if Mia didn’t know where her career would take her? So what if she spent the next five years studying? She had every right to. Mia was strong and capable. She could study, have a career, and love her family. And even if she wanted to wait to have a baby, why did that matter?
It hit him like a bull out of a gate. Why hadn’t he seen it before? Mia wouldn’t be like Sally! She wouldn’t throw her family away for a career. She’d sacrificed her career for her mother. She wouldn’t sacrifice her own children.
He browsed the photos of them with the elephants, smiling at those with Melanie’s big trunk wrapped around Mia’s tiny waist. His heart lightened. A laugh bubbled out of his throat. ‘God, you’re such an idiot.’
No one lived without risk. No one loved without risk.
Mia knew that. She’d shown it time and time again. She’d risked everything and while it may have hurt her, she was still a ray of sunshine.
And he was a fool.
But he was a fool who knew how to fix it.