THE LOVE LETTERS BETWEEN MANLY HALL AND MARIE BAUER SPAN A PERIOD OF SEVEN YEARS, FROM 1944 TO 1951.
These years were among the most important of Hall’s career, and in many ways they also were among the most difficult.
The letters—hastily typed, handwritten and scrawled on hotel stationery just before and after Hall and Bauer married—are the closest thing to an unvarnished autobiographical portrait of these Los Angeles mystics in love. Through them, we participate in the interplay of clashing spiritual notions, egos and dueling personal needs that foreshadow the stormy years that would follow.
The letters were culled from a larger body of correspondence preserved by the couple’s friend, film producer Dan York, for their relevance and interest. More than half were written in the 1940s, a period when Bauer, a mother of two, was living in Glendale, California, and preparing to divorce her husband to start a new life with Hall, who was emerging from the pall of his wife’s suicide in 1941.
Some of the letters have been reproduced in full. Relevant passages of others shed light on how they were living and loving at specific points in time.
Many of Hall’s letters are scrawled in longhand. That’s significant because Hall, for most of his life, preferred to dictate his letters, lectures, books and essays. That’s because he adhered to the Rosicrucian notion that writing in longhand sapped one’s vitality.
Where possible, dates and locations are given. With few exceptions, only portions of Marie’s letters to Hall are included. As readers will quickly realize, she has a penchant for long, convoluted metaphysical manifestos involving her search for the long-lost Bruton Vault. In some letters, she writes in the third person, as though in a sort of trance.
Marie to Manly
When Hall met Bauer for the first time, he was 33 and struggling through a bleak and stultifying marriage to his former secretary, Fay B. de Ravenne, an astrologer and aspiring writer hounded by persecutory voices and unseen forces.
Bauer, 30, also was prone to hallucinations and mood swings, and she was always on the lookout for hidden codes embedded in posters, advertising billboards, books and movies. In many of her letters, Bauer tries to convince Hall that they were made for each other because of their past lives.
She also warns Hall of her family’s close connection with “Teufel,” her name for demonic forces. “I hope that doesn’t scare you,” she says.
Several of her letters begin as a criticism of something Hall said in a lecture or in one of his books, then unspool into nonsense: “To the mind of man, for instance, a creative triplicity can only become a trinity when the concentrated three-nature of Spirit is conceived as being circumscribed by its own unity-conception, the divine four-nature of Love. Thereby concentrated, male-female divinity (4:3) contained within the radius of causal three-nature, is correlated to the created 4:3 or seven constitution of the universal structure, also within the causal three-nature. That correlation is testified to by the divinity of Space itself.”
Bauer never hid her flaws from Hall, including that she was a lousy wife to her husband and a cold fish to her two small children: “Even to this day, I don’t know how to act normally affectionate with the children. I know it isn’t good for them, and might cause them similar troubles. It is the main reason why I think they are better off in schools than too much around me. Otherwise I wouldn’t let them go.”
Hall, a grieving widower at the time, was intrigued. To him, she was attractive, energetic and hungry to absorb the most abstract notions of an occult universe, whose existence Manly P. Hall sought to describe and define.
But it wasn’t easy containing her explosive temper and hyper-defensive personality. In one letter, Hall advises, “There are some simple rules, Marie, for folks like us who are trying to do a very big job. Accept these rules without question or resistance, for they can never be broken by any human being, but if you try to break these rules, they will break you.”
Bauer, however, had a plan. She felt certain that, with Hall on her side, Hollywood would soon come calling. She even expected to play the lead role in an epic motion picture of her search for the Bruton Vault. The producers “will have to do some grooming,” she concedes, “but I’d try anyway.”
In 1944, a year before her divorce from George Bauer became final, a new mood—and a new strategy for securing Hall’s support for her cause—began to take hold of her.
Bauer for the first time acknowledges that her feelings toward Hall are “not entirely platonic.” She also breaks the surprising news that, like it or not, she’s “pregnant” with a literary work in progress about the Bruton Vault that has two fathers—Hall and Francis Bacon.
“As surely as I am the mother to whom the child is coming to life, so sure are you, Manly Hall, the father,” she says. “Not only did my first acquaintance with metaphysics come through you as a powerful and instantaneous impact, but you know well that you also introduced me to Francis Bacon—for which I am ever grateful. Though my general immaturity was at first centered in hero worship of both you and Bacon, I did derive from it initial courage and persistence.”
“So please,” she adds, “don’t think that my saying you are the Father of the work, is any accusation; much less a threat that you have obligations, or that I have a right to expect anything.”
In the same breath, however, she demands that Hall edit, publish and promote the “work” she believes is the last hope for saving a world gone wrong.
It’s hard to imagine that Hall, a minister with years of experience in helping congregants grapple with troubled personal lives, could succumb to such extraordinarily selfish pestering.
Yet sometime in April, 1947, their relations became intimate. “Personally, I have no sense of guilt on account of it having happened, but am glad it did,” she writes. “I also am convinced that by your evaluation of life and circumstances you don’t really need me much. Not as much as I need you.”
Exactly what transpired may never be known. Decades later, Bauer confided to relatives and friends that “Manly never consummated our marriage. He preferred men.”
Yet the letters Hall wrote after their marriage in 1950 are filled with unabashed affection and endearments. He is her “Adam duck.” She is his “Eve duck.” Together, he joshes lovingly, they are partners in a law firm he calls “Duck and Duck.”
“I don’t plan to go to the office before Monday unless there is an emergency—maybe we can do something special over the weekend!!!” he writes in 1951. “All kinds of hugs, squeezes, umphs, ou-u-u-s, and the like, until I can deliver them in person. I’m getting more homesick and lonesome every minute—take good care of yourself and keep my room warm and happy with very high duck vibrations.”
He closes the letter with three cartoon renderings labeled, in turn, Adam Duck, Eve Duck and Serpent Duck. Such humor speaks volumes about his devotion to a second mentally unstable wife with spiritual pretensions of her own.
Christmas letter from Marie to Manly, 1943
November 26, 1944
Dear Manly
The only loyalty I believe in is loyalty to the ideal. It unites without chaining and doesn’t use “devotion” as a substitute for habit.
You need not be afraid of me on any such implications. That I do love you is true from my point of view. I finally told you because “nervous breakdowns” do make people awfully upset, and also afraid that another one will come along if you don’t do something about it.
But I assure you, it is neither the love of a “cold fish” or of a frustrated female whose ultra-devotional attitudes are unrequited. It is honest, warm and very human, and quite reconciled with the definition of friendship in testament of Beauty: “Friendship is in loving rather than in being loved, which is its mutual benediction and its recompense.” Maybe I should leave out the word mutual. But if you are inclined to think I am running after you for unworthy reasons, please give me credit for trying to win a friend for the work and for me, because it is awfully hard to do without.
I also learned that it is pretty risky business to dare going to hell after somebody. Because you’re likely to get the hell you dared for without making the rescue intended. But then it may be good training for any other hells I might be going to. That kind of training needs to be gradual, else you don’t survive.
Still, if Cupid has even an ounce of justice in his system, and should still be sport shooting his arrows indiscriminately, were I to trail you to earth or anyplace else again, I hope he will hit you instead, and that it bounces back at him, so you both get a taste of the medicine. And I also hope I won’t still have big enough a hang-over to rush and bandage it right up!
December 26, 1944
Dear Manly
Sometimes I am sure I knew Mary Magdalene quite well. For the simple reason, that Christ had to chase away seven devils out of her before he could teach her. One thing I am sure of, that being himself, and knowing her, he realized well, that she would retain liking and understanding for the seven, and maybe for some others who went before. Maybe Christ and Mary M. understood each other so well, because Christ deeply loved Lucifer, his twin brother, and she was pretty closely related to him.
I suppose to some people this would sound awful. But maybe it isn’t coincidence that my grandfather was a “teufel.” A very nice one. To make it somewhat worse by trying to make it better, they named him “Christian Teufel.” Grandmother and mother were “Magdalene Teufel.” Grandmother died Christmas Eve after having given birth to sixteen children at the age of forty. Being the first girl in our family there was big argument about naming me Magdalene, but father insisted I be named after the mother of Christ.
In one way or another a relationship to Mary Magdalene has trailed through me through my whole life in sort of funny ways. Not alone because Martha had to take over my whole family when I went off, but long after that. When I was still very little my parents received a beautiful large oil-painting for me from an old artist. It is a portraiture of Mary Magdalene, no other figures present. The whole composition is very dramatic. One breast of the figure is bare, though she is otherwise heavily robed.
Marie to Manly, 1945
Marie and Manly in their golden years
Mother would not permit the painting to be hung because of it, and when she made arrangements to have it covered over, I protested quite strenuously in spite of being sensitive otherwise. I remember how terribly disappointed I was on my first visit home from convent-school, because the painting had been covered over and was mounted.
Also all the relatives and aunts on mother’s side always had something to whisper about me, which I have never yet found out. They never approved of me (nor I of them) and quite openly kept comparing me to a notorious “witch” in the family, who had been grandmother’s sister, and who had been rumored about through the whole countryside.
I don’t know what makes me go back to my childhood, which seems many centuries removed, except that these psychoanalysts seem to insist upon digging in that direction. And when you think about things, almost anything takes on significance. Personally, I don’t put much stock in it, except that it might explain my natural partiality for the devil, without which I don’t think I could have truly understood Christ.
Hope my talking like this doesn’t scare you, because it is really true.
January 13, 1945
Dear Manly
When I pass out, it usually has a good deal to do with the same situation, and coming back it is the same drawing-point. There must be some way of adjusting to it so it doesn’t get violent. If you know a way, I promise to abide by doctor’s orders. I don’t think I’m otherwise so unreasonable, but in this instance, my reason and pride and whatever else is mixed with it, has certainly a pretty mean way of aggravating it.
Wish you needed my help just half as much as I do yours, then I’d feel more even about it all around.
February 16, 1945
Dear Manly
Seriously stating the purpose of this letter: For you I hope that having gained insight into my work the way you have, and having known me fairly well, will at least contribute to bringing your personal life and your work to a truly living and creative focus. Hope someday you will be honestly glad our paths have crossed. I am glad they did.
For myself I hope that this will finally secure me an honest release from your “psychological harem.” God only knows why I got caught in it. I hope he doesn’t mind helping me get out if I have served my time.
Often I have tried back-doors to escape and have always landed in some dark alleys and back again from where I started. Though I’ve been in it a long time, I never became of it, because real love protects from servitude, no matter how eager it makes one to be a real service. I think it is something you don’t really know, but I hope someday you will find out.
I do admit that each time I came back from these dead-end attempts, I saw clearer where I personally stand in this involvement with you. So this time it occurred to me to leave by way of the front door. To state progressive conclusions in a nutshell:
My attachment is by no means as ‘heroic’ as it ought to be if I were ‘big.’ It is not nearly as platonic as it used to be when I still wanted to be big, and you were much bigger in my eyes than you are—which was a lot bigger than any human being ought to be in any human being’s eyes (disregarding the actual true estimate).
In size you will always have a jump on me in more ways than one. But that point can easily be conceded to Nature’s sense of equilibrium playing tricks on shrimps or crabs, to make them fall for big fishes.
Until some months ago I thought on basis of your work and mine there could actually grow real friendship and eventual co-labor. I don’t think so any more, though I would very much like to turn out to be wrong.
I don’t think so not alone because the basis for friendship with me is lacking in you, but for quite different reasons, it was never there with me either. Only I didn’t see it very clear. Though there hasn’t ever been anyone with whom I wanted more to be friends, I can realize that there is quite a lot of truth in the general contention that when a person falls in love it is hard for things to stay on friendship basis. I never believed that before, and maybe that is why I had to find it out this way.
I don’t think you will understand what made me see clearly. But you might catch on theoretically. I’ll tell you anyway because I truly think nothing better could happen to you, provided you can apply the situation to either some ‘harem-favorite’ or better still to your ‘lady of dreams’ who I hope is outside of the harem.
If there is not a real living one in your life now, I sincerely hope that there will be one who can knock you and your placidity plenty off your feet, has just a little modern and positive ideas and attitudes, and wants to be the mother of your child.
I’m glad it came out easier than I thought. That last line did it. I realize that when you are a mother who loves her children, even though she isn’t what you would call a good mother, and when you’re a wife who has never really changed her affection for her husband, she can’t just say she would like to be the mother of somebody else’s baby. But when those are the facts which slowly but surely dawned on her, how else can she say it without lying.
Maybe it just goes to prove that idealistic loves which grow retroplatonic, are very unorthodox. Likely because the people to whom they happen, grow up that way by nature. But if Nature lets crazy people be born with an instinctive fear of marriage, and an even more instinctive desire for babies, she ought to expect almost anything, especially when she proceeds to present the idea with unmistakable emphasis—and after the crazy person had become sane enough not to want any babies anymore.
Child-psychology surely can get very complicated on the simple basis that mothers want more babies. Or else it is just the natural family-version in a case where a girl marries a very nice fellow because she likes him, because it is better for babies when parents are married and because she thinks they can really build something worth building. They have very nice children and love them, but all the time the mother, who never could get to feeling like a wife ought to, is miserable being married until she gets it sealed with a divorce. There hasn’t been any change in affections nor offence in relations, and yet it is easier to be married to the same fellow when you’re divorced from him.
I often hoped George would find someone who has better qualities as a wife and a companion, but he doesn’t want to. He says I turned out better than he expected, which makes me wonder how he ever got the courage to get married.
Having learned to see things differently at least with my mind, I sincerely hope next time I won’t be dispatched to earth so inhibited about expressing affection, that even as a tiny baby I wouldn’t let my mother or anyone kiss me, and later loved my father because he didn’t do such things.
Even to this day I don’t know how to act normally affectionate with the children. I know it isn’t good for them, and might cause them similar troubles. It is the main reason why I think they are better off in schools than too much around me. Otherwise I wouldn’t let them go.
Funny, a friend of George just called to remind us that today is our wedding anniversary. Must be as good a day as any to be writing this letter. Never realized before how close we came to picking the anniversary of the beginning of the Flood. (Noah’s Flood)
Sometimes I think that the way I am hooked up with you and with George is similar to the way Eve was hooked up with Cain and Abel in my Bible-book. Only this time, I hope, it is on the way up instead of down. Even astrologically his sun and yours are very close together. Sun 18 Pisces, Jupiter 4 Pisces.
Manly I know Bacon loves you very much, and I think me too. And maybe he staked his whole hope for the final coming to life of his endeavors and the faith and confidence born of it. He realized that a great deal you have sincerely tried to reawaken, teach and propagate through lecturing and writing, will go with the waters of the flood. But he also knew that continued sincerity, and endeavor born of love for truth, will gather and preserve the life essence of your work, and make your teaching truly fruitful.
He must have known my relationship to you better than I did. He probably felt pretty sorry for me because of all the mixed-up weaknesses and dreams which were always bigger than I, and he became the father of my work through you, because he knew your work would take life in it too.
He knew too, that the child could feed on the emotional intensity, elation and tears that keep going on inside of me. He took a chance that I would grow up with the growth of the work, and that my vision would clear so that I couldn’t possibly help wanting to make you and the word see. In his heart he knew that you wouldn’t let him down.
You needn’t take all this literally, but in essence it is true. And so are a great many other things, Manly, which you would probably smile at and think they are silly talk, and much too ‘personal’ in approach.
You probably won’t believe this, but it is nevertheless a fact. I’ve already tried several times, but someday I’ll find out in detail, if it was instigated by the doctors, or if the people around me could see her too, or if I only did. It certainly is the clearest thing I remember about the Sanitarium in Pasadena. Only I was surprised to find out that you had a grandmother. I never had known any of mine, and had never thought of you in connection with any.
Three years or so ago, after I came out of the coma, I had to learn to walk again, and it took me a while to catch on where I was. The nurses and doctors appeared to me very automatic in motion and sort of dead. I didn’t want them near or to assist me.
But there was a little old gray-haired lady, who was always there when I tried. She had her hands folded as if she were praying, and told me quite often that she was your grandmother, and she would help me and protect me against the others. I didn’t mind her at all and she was very glad about it. After that week at the hospital I never saw her again.
I’ve often thought about it and wondered what made her say that. When I think back she seemed very eager and worried about something, and maybe she was trying to make me understand, and all I did was feel relieved when she was there. In case you never knew your grandmother, she might have been troubled about never having taught your mother something about raising you, or she was worried about you. Else it was just a good psychological trick by the doctors, though I don’t see why they would pick on your grandmother. I suppose I’ll be haunting my grandchildren’s troubles one day.
June 29, 1945
Dear Manly
Happenings, not necessarily out of the ordinary, are so timed, that they keep answering back to thoughts and observations quite continuously and consistently. What I know, for instance, to be symphonic music, on the radio, becomes clearly, and very revealingly articulate, so I hear words with the melody. It all is very elating and often surprising, so that I can’t help comparing and checking up, or making remarks to those around.
I can well realize that much of it, particularly inquiries about things they maybe do not hear or see, seem disquieting and irrational to them, and they start to worry. But it takes me a while to catch on to the fact, and by that time surroundings, and the way things ordinarily appear, become quite insignificant. I’ve also noticed that at the time I can look straight at the sun for any length of time (even when it is directly overhead) without feeling any hurt in my eyes. I can see beautiful color patterns, etc. Altogether there is certainly nothing irrational about any of it, much to the contrary. But I do realize that the present sort of recedes and seems quite unreal, while I can see mentally way into the past and way ahead into the future. But it doesn’t alarm me in the least, except that I want to reassure the family when they start acting worried. It certainly doesn’t register as a danger signal nor do I by any stretch of the imagination expect to land in the hospital.
Marie to Manly
If only they would let things take their natural course, it would come to a focus for a few days when I should be left alone, probably in bed, because I can see things of great value, which usually take on deep significance later, and help me to understand.
In the meanwhile, it was decided I needed shock treatments. Nothing is said to me about it. I suppose the assumption is that I am ‘off.’ So I am humored and under false pretenses taken to a hospital. Once in, try to get out! Luckily the machine for shock treatments went out of function about the time I landed there. It had to be repaired at Cal Tech. So I was put to bed to rest. Aside from having food stuffed down my throat, when certainly it wouldn’t hurt to go without it for just three or four days, and some other interruptions, which I’d rather tell you than write about, things did come to a focus, and went off normally (at least to me) anyway.
By the time the machine came back, I certainly no longer needed shock treatments, even according to their diagnosis. But they were administered anyway. I protested and evidently antagonized the psychiatrists plenty. Besides I was justly incensed over treatment accorded to other patients by the nurses. I suppose if I had sense I should have kept still. But I didn’t. Called arrogant, conceited and defiant, and I don’t know what else, I was made to pay for it in no uncertain terms. All in all, if I hadn’t lived through it, I would believe it possible.
Though the shock treatments do knock your memory for a loop temporarily, luckily they didn’t erase recollection of the experience—good and bad. After a while, the doctors and nurses changed their attitudes and in a perplexed way began to question me about metaphysics, etc. Even though I had no personal resentment, I didn’t feel inclined to say much while I had to stay there. Besides some things I wouldn’t know how to explain. I know some of the doctors are much puzzled and interested. When I left it was arranged that I come back within a month or so to talk about it. Please, Manly, talk to me first.
But I do feel related to you because you are the Father of my work. Having accepted things as they are this long, I would be happy and contented if at least you can feel friendship for me as the mother. What worries me most is that you might be scared away from my work because of me. Especially now when I am much calmer, and much of the pain has gone out of me. Please take another chance. If you gave me up for hopeless I couldn’t take it.
Adjustment with the family appears to be going in the right direction. I know they mean well, and I can see where I can use a lot more sense, and stop being on the defensive, or try to force things, at home and with my work.
The divorce became final in May. I wanted to go through with it. George feels pretty bad about it, and asked me not to. Even if I am not much of a wife, he feels pretty lost when I’m not around. I have to admit that during the last year he has made more spontaneous and sustained effort toward better understanding than I ever thought he would. I’ve decided to try for another year as well as I know how.
I have a plan in mind, which, I am quite certain, you will like too. And if you do, you’ll see, I won’t be hard to handle, and it could work out very well in a lot of ways. No matter what you think about me, I have full faith in your integrity, and of late a whole more into your better judgment. I am pretty much convinced that in connection with my work I simply can’t get along without you for a good many reasons. Besides, I know for sure that your work not only shouldn’t, but can’t very well stay apart. So if you have a better sense, there ought to be a way. It’s the main subject I’d like to talk to you about.
So, please, Manly, will you see me sometime in July?
No Date
Dear Manly Hall
As far as my whole relationship to the work is concerned, it is in every way like giving birth to a child, only much more so and on a different level. True to form, I have had a number of psychological fainting spells, just as I had physical ones when carrying Peter and Jo Ann. All that really matters is that the child will live and be as well formed as possible. Without having any martyr complex, I’d give my life for that and more, if it would help. But I suppose all mothers feel they are going to die in childbirth.
As surely as I am the mother to whom the child is coming to life, so sure are you, Manly Hall, the father. Not alone did my first acquaintance with metaphysics come through you as a powerful and instantaneous impact, but you know well that you also introduced me to Francis Bacon—for which I am ever grateful. Thought my general immaturity was at first centered in hero worship of both you and Bacon I did derive from it initial courage and persistence.
So please don’t think that my saying you are the Father of the work, any accusation; much less a threat that you have obligations, or that I have a right to expect anything.
That plea is: please stand by me and help me through. Since it started almost 8 years ago or so, 9 years may be the approximate span, and the time cannot be so very far off. There isn’t anyone else I know who could help.
If you don’t want to, you won’t have to acknowledge the child. Still, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if it is going to look so much like you, that you can’t deny it. Maybe it will manage to win your heart. Children have a way of doing that.
November 23, 1945
Dear Manly
You have told me, and I know I’ll have to condense my writings, organize and remold the language with due respect to semantics, and stress the applied and workable aspect of abstracts. Also it should definitely be decided what ought to and what ought not be brought out, how and when, by somebody with more practical judgment than mine.
The way it is: Lately, when I try to condense I find that insight has somehow expanded so, that the condensed form is at least 10 times as long as the original. Trying to remold language—I really don’t know how. Maybe because I’ve been talking these things so long just to me and my typewriter. Abstracts have come to look so fundamentally concrete to me, that I can hardly tell when they are naked or properly dressed. What to bring out what not: to my judgment is very inadequate without yours, because I naturally seem to see it from your and my angle. Besides, my enthusiasm hasn’t learned to respect my judgment enough not to drown it out. But I would like to listen to yours.
Two. For varied reasons I feel and know that I ought to go out lecturing pretty soon. With you on my side, or with me somehow, I’d feel strong and unafraid, without you lost and nervous, maybe intimidated again. Furthermore, even though I’ve got a lot to talk about, and when it comes out spontaneously, I have everything there is to learn about lecturing, and would rather learn it from you than anybody, and be most likely to become an apt pupil. Besides, as far as subject matter is concerned it is increasingly difficult for me to keep mine and yours apart, because they don’t want to be and can’t much longer anyway. And when others start bringing up points of apparent difference I can’t keep on saying, Personally, I love Manly very much, but on this point or that I’ll have to contradict, etc. It would be different if you were right there and it were just sort of a friendly platonic discourse for the purpose of showing two different approaches, leading to the same projected unification.
Three. I’d like to solicit the proper and necessary cooperation of a group of people, capable mentally, artistically, and if need be financially (at least soliciting) to start things rolling. Not my work separately, but yours and mine, because I can’t and won’t separate them. Particularly is that necessary on political scale, with respect to the educational system and proper visual projection through motion pictures, etc. Mainly, too, from a philosophical religious point of view. I could bring up a lot more points. Maybe your attitude toward the fourth will be sort of doubtful. But Manly in that case, you should really let me proof it.
Four. If you really want to see me get comparatively calm so I’ll live a while longer, cooperative so I can be trusted no matter what, and honestly, sincerely and courageously persuasive without too much bluntness, it certainly depends a lot on you. You know I can get that virtuous only through your influence, and if anti-polar deviltry stirs up with it, at least you know me well enough not to be too worried. Personally, I think I’d be very happy besides. I always am around you.
The first practical step in the right direction would seem to me to have a group of people like I mentioned. I know quite a number who would like to. Some have offered to do it at their places, etc. But the main catch is, I’d like you to be the main boss and referee. I’ve told all I’ve mentioned anything to that you are as familiar with the subject as I. I need to try and verbally convey it on hands of drawings, etc., so I can get the material somewhat organized and get some experience in lecturing. You would generally outline the subject for the evening and give your opinion on it, etc. Also stop and correct me in expression, etc., when I am doing some explaining. I don’t just know how to describe it—but when I don’t want it to look as if I am some teacher or something. Rather, by your recommendation, they would become cooperative in helping to decide and guide things the way they ought to go. I am sure that benefit would be mutual all around, and something really worthwhile could come of it.
So it would be best to have the meeting in the library or wherever you say in your place. I would like you to meet the ones I would invite first, and you could see how you feel about them. You could treat me in whichever way you see most fit, just so long as you will take the lead. At the same time, they could become much better acquainted with the library, etc. and if they all came to the decision that a larger place is needed, at least for temporary headquarters for my work too (pending your wanting it to become permanent eventually, or not, as you like) we could get them campaigning for getting your place finished. After all that is really what I was going to do before Bacon even entered the picture.
Then suppose you turned me out into a good lecturer, maybe I could really buy a financial business-partnership and pay for publishing of books, provided you would help me direct the editing. And if you did it for some of mine, I’d help with some of yours. If other people can, why couldn’t I?
After the meeting is over, we could all have some fun—like a cup of tea or something. But maybe we could really manage to have fun all the way through. And who knows, a small beginning like that could work into a vital, fundamental focus for the light of the New Age. After all the addresses need not necessarily be Washington or some such place. Los Feliz air is cleaner and has more vital oxygen.
It sounds as if I am systematically scheming out ways trying to interfere with your life pattern. But even if it sounds like it, Manly, it doesn’t look like that to me, and I don’t mean it like that either. I think you know it.
December 10, 1945
Dear Manly
I am getting quite philosophical about it because I know that love just is or isn’t—and that there is nothing anyone can do about it. Even if it is one-sided, I am glad it is, and don’t care who knows it. I also know that in spite of appearances you do need the kind of love I have for you (several kinds all mixed up) and I don’t mind if you keep what you can take of it without returning it. (In a way I do, but not terribly). Enough of that.
Manly, I don’t know whether or not you believe it, but Bacon’s work, yours and mine are the triple approach to teaching a Cosmic life pattern which is centered in the four-principle of Christ and which shall be fruitful on world-scale not by individual interpretation of its dispensators or teachers—but by the authority and life-inspiration of truth and love itself. But Manly, the divided triple approach of the teachers must unite to a trinity-state of cooperative endeavor before the labor can actually begin to become fruitful on a collective scale. Seeing it so clearly causes most of the personal and impersonal agitation in me. And if we could begin to at least prepare it now maybe a great deal of calamity could be prevented, and the mysteries of love and of life be taught with all the dignity and gentility of wisdom, even during our lifetimes.
Even if not with your heart, at least mentally you can see Manly that there is some sort of Eve-serpent relationship between your work and mine (and at least the way I feel between you and me too). That would direct a good deal of guilt in this direction, but at the same time, even while the generation of humankind was still in the involuntary stage, Enoch was the son of Eve and Cain, even though the reversal to evolutionary motion on collective scale was by parenthood of the Holy-ghost and Mary. But this is more than enough of this.
January 3, 1946
SANTA FE, N.M.
Dear Manly.
Because there is a good basis for friendship with you in me. One-sided love is friendship in so far as it is real. The need for it in me is sort of fatal and compulsory. I wouldn’t be surprised if I actually made some pact with Bacon before I was born, not to come to my rescue. But he could at least try to make you see it a little.
I know the way you feel about it, friendship is as hopeless as love just because I happen to be a woman, and you haven’t enough confidence or faith in me to even give it a fair chance. Sometimes I can hardly understand why, at least on the basis of your work, you wouldn’t at least give me the benefit of the doubt.
Manly how do you mean it when you say you don’t want to add to my delinquency? It is true, if I had the time and leisure to go around collecting karma for next time, I’d rather do it in cooperation with you than anybody. But you see when you are born with such a fatal lack of alternative, as being in love with you makes me, there is little margin for either virtue or vice. If you would, you couldn’t, and if you could you wouldn’t. But if there were a friendship basis you could at least to a measure share work and play and joy and sorrow of living, even if living together is out of the question. It is certainly true that love without response makes facts very cruel. But friendship with some response could make the same facts fine and very constructive.
I know, I really have little reason to complain. Because in the last few months things have become more friendly between us, and tension in me has eased considerably. Seeing you more frequently and talking with you make me love you still better, but it also makes me feel happier, more hopeful and confident; sometimes full of deviltry, but not with bad motives.
You have been very nice asking me to come over whenever I can or feel like it. The catch is, I feel like seeing you most of the time, but I don’t want your whole staff—and maybe you too—start thinking I am running after you.
Airmail letter from Manly to Marie
Suppose I promise never to ask you for a date or special appointment, and if something bothers me too much I write a letter. If you feel like responding, or wouldn’t mind talking to me, and you do have some time, you could let me know in some way. If it isn’t in your principles to call anyone like me on the phone, I don’t think Dave would mind giving me a ring. Aside from just wanting to be with you for no reason whatever, there is, as you know, so much I’d like to ask you and talk to you about. That anytime I can get away couldn’t be better or more pleasantly spent.
The general effect on me, after seeing you, is usually very good and lasts for considerable time. And in general, Manly, I am not really any disturbing or demoralizing influence on you, am I? Even though I’d much rather be that than nothing at all—in your case—if you treated me just halfway on friendly basis, like you do Dave and Jim, maybe you would find it worthwhile, and wouldn’t think me hard to handle.
Love
July 3, 1946
TAOS, N.M.
Dear Marie
Your last letter and mss. arrived safely, and I am certainly sorry that things are not moving more smoothly inside of you. You looked fine when I saw you over at San Juan.
You are not the only one not able to get much done at the moment. It has been exactly the same with me, but most of my interruptions have come from outside. With the exception of finishing up a couple of the Chinese Stories I have accomplished exactly nothing. I know just how you feel about your work, I have been through all those kinds of emotions many times. Gradually, however, I have learned how to control my impulses, and you must try to do the same. Life is just one long series of problems, moods and uncertainties, seasoned with impatience and spells of discouragement. We must take these things in stride, unless we can get ourselves organized we can do very little for others in these difficult times.
I certainly do intend to come up to Taos, but I am not yet quite sure when I can get there. I have several practical and pressing things to do here in connection with the Setons. The old Chief is not a bit well, and depends on me for advice in certain business matters that certainly require immediate attention.
I had expected that they would drive me up to Taos, in fact, we had the plans pretty well formulated, but after the short trip to San Juan, the Chief was completely tired out, so it is not wise to attempt the trip, especially in this heat. If we make the trip he would insist on coming so we are letting the idea die out for the present.
We had also planned to go to the Gallup festival, in this case we have even started to arrange for reservations at the hotels. But now, it is evident that he could not stand the trip, and Julie does not dare to leave him home alone.
I will come to Taos just as soon as things here get a little more settled, in the meantime I am trying to get a little of my own work under control. Because, as I told you in California, these are small towns with very large ears, and extremely busy tongues, it will be best if I stay at the Harvey Hotel, I don’t know the name it goes under, but you undoubtedly do. I would like to stay for several days, probably the five day limit. We would then have an opportunity to discuss your work and also I want to gather up some data that is lingering around waiting to be gathered.
If in the meantime you want to see me by driving down here, drop me a note in advance so that I will be sure to be here. I am not always available. I suggest the note as our phone is a party line with a large number of families connected on the wire, and their favorite pastime is to listen to each others’ calls, and then rush to the neighbors with the news. I have learned by long suffering, that the fewer strangers or even friends who know one’s business, the better and safer life remains.
If your friends invite you to travel about through the Indian or Spanish-American towns I would most certainly accept. There is much here that is important to our way of thought. I think I told you that Madame Blavatsky lived for quite a while in Santa Fe, and said that this country is second only to Tibet in metaphysical importance. It would be wonderful training for you to do real research among the beliefs and religious customs of these people, and it would extrovert your mind from a large part of the internal pressure that is causing you trouble.
Don’t try to solve anything by drinking Marie, learn to get your mind off yourself by putting it on some interesting outside line of thought, that is close to your subject. We all have to do this and the sooner you learn, the happier you will be. Instead of thinking all the time about what you must do to enlighten humanity, study humility as it is in everyday living. Become a trained observer of the ways of others, learning from them, and not feeling all the time that you must teach.
There are some simple rules, Marie, for folks like us who are trying to do a very big job. Accept these rules without question or resistance, for they can never be broken by any human being, but if you try to break these rules, they will break you.
1. Never take yourself or the things you are doing so serious that you have no mind or time for other interests.
2. Never lose your sense of humor, and never get so that you can’t laugh at yourself when you start taking yourself too seriously.
3. Do the best you can, but don’t try to do everything, leave something for the gods and future ages. Generations still unborn will also have important ideas.
4. We never help others by wrecking ourselves. Your philosophy must make you happy, or it is of very little practical value.
Of course I realize that none of us can be completely happy, but we must relax and create a deep sense of calmness and peace inside, or we tear our bodies to pieces and then we can do nothing for ourselves or anyone else.
You have to make yourself master of your own thoughts, or they will run away with you. The mind is just like a growing child, it must be taught to obey, or it will become a problem to itself and everyone else.
If it helps you to write me and get some of your pressure out of your system, go ahead and write, and I will help as much as I can. I cannot, however, solve your life for you, each of us must finally set up our own rules of self-discipline. You can do it, and you must do it, or your work will suffer.
This is a pretty long letter for me, so I had better bring it to a close. Good luck and success in everything.
Always
July 27, 1946
SANTA FE, N.M.
Dear Marie
You are quite wrong in thinking I am disgusted with you. It just happened the last time you called I had an appointment in town, and the Chief had a date with his doctor.
I am happy to do what I can to further your efforts, but you, yourself, have created a very complicated situation, which makes it difficult for me to be of real assistance. I know that you do not realize that this is true, but nevertheless, it is a fact. After all I have made a long and careful study of religion, and have had many years of practical experience with people and their spiritual needs and problems. I have a far better knowledge of what you are trying to do than you realize. This feeling that you have, that I do not “see” the ends toward which you are working is untrue. But after all, you did come to me for advice and help because you believed in my honesty and experience. But how can I help you when you insist upon dictation the terms upon which you will accept help? You want me to accept all of your ideas without reservation and incorporate them into my own activities, whether or not my own judgment tells me it is the wise thing to do. I must be true to my own convictions, Marie, or I would not be worthy to serve others in any capacity. Can’t you see how you would feel if someone did the same thing to you?
Don’t feel in your heart, Marie, that I am a lost soul unless I see things exactly your way. And don’t feel that you have failed in your mission unless you convert me to your convictions. Have a little faith in the message that has come to you, and relax. If you will only carry the whole problem a little more lightly and gratefully, you will be able to accomplish a great deal more and others can help you much more effectively.
Now try and snap out of your mood, I am sincerely your friend and will continue so, and will do all I can to be helpful.
Certainly you can quote any part of my writings that you wish, and we will talk about it at your leisure.
August 6, 1946
Hello Marie
The one thing you have to learn to accomplish is relaxation. If you will stop worrying about the gods, and whether or not you will be “submissive” life will be a lot easier for you.
It doesn’t seem to me that it would be a good idea to attempt to revise your new book until the first manuscript is completed. You will have many other things to do in the near future, so it will be best to meet the days as they come and not try to do more things than you can.
September 9, 1946
SANTA FE, N.M.
Hello Marie
Another thing that you must learn is that when you make a decision, be happy about it. Judge all things carefully first, but once you have made up your mind, have no further regrets. If your decision was wise, all will come out well in the end, and if it was not wise, you will learn, and we must all be prepared to face the consequences of our decisions.
September 13, 1946
SANTA FE, N.M.
Dear Marie
This is just a little line to tell you how much I appreciate your kindness in making me the perfectly grand sweater.
February 19, 1947
Dear Manly
About two months ago a friend who works in a studio came to call on me with a fellow who is a professional in radio. Nice fellow, never met him before or since. I was not interested to bring the subject of you or me up, because I didn’t like him to talk about it to his friends. But he promptly did. Said he knew you. I asked him how he liked you. The radio-man asked if I really wanted to know. I said of course. He said: “Mr. Hall is a man of extreme vanity, who is building a monument, not to truth, but for himself.”
I was taken aback because of his harsh judgment, pronounced in a seemingly kindly way. Very calmly I pointed out to him how mistaken he was: and that I was completely convinced of your personal sincerity. He looked at me in sort of a sorrowful way and said: “Never forget, even when love is not blind, it has a strong tendency to want to shut its eyes.”
Manly to Marie
He didn’t influence me about you in any way, Manly, but what he did say about love is very true.
April 21, 1947
Dear Manly
When you were away last week I went through another session with myself. Much less disturbed emotionally, though I missed you. I know I can never in this life abandon personal desires as completely as one is supposed to, because I couldn’t earnestly say, I’d be willing to give up being friends with you. So suppose life will sort of force it on me sooner or later.
But I do know that our relationship should change to a clear friendship without personal intimacy as man and woman, at least not physically. There are many reasons, but in general it is not because I like you less, Manly, but because I like you too well. Personally, I have no sense of guilt on account of it having happened, but am glad it did. But as far as my responsibilities, plans for the future and economy of physical and psychological energy are concerned, I have no right.
I also am convinced that by your evaluation of life and circumstances you don’t really need me much. Not as much as I need you …
If we continued stealing hours together here and there, something would be found out and you pay with your peace of mind, I with your friendship. Else it would cause both of us to talk about marriage and save appearances. We both would feel it as a tie, and I don’t believe in ties of that sort.
From a point of view of outer circumstances, marriage would have obstacles which need not in any way interfere with friendship.
First there are the children. I want to keep the home up for them and have them here as much as possible. You are not used to children. With a woman who is a mother—and has sort of an unconventional mother-streak like I—anybody’s children can feel to her like her own. With men it isn’t like that.
No date
Dear Manly
When Madame Blavatsky—returned to earth scale as M.H. a recurrence of long past human history took place at least as regards archetypal relationships. When the ‘serpent-lamech, Lazarus-Paul’ returned—Eve-Zillah, Mary-Magdalene, followed him, probably by instigation of those who had trained her, and probably out of personal love. By physical fatherhood of Abel, she bore the children who once, long ago—had been Lamech-Zillah’s: Tubal-Cain = Peter, and the first girl child reported in the Bible, Naahmah, who during the time of Christ had been the daughter of the priest whom Jesus awakened from the dead, and of whom he said: She is not dead, she sleepeth.”
On psychological scale, she was strangely brought into relationship with poetical works, of most recent endeavor in connection with Lord Bacon’s work—such as “Testament of Beauty,” before marriage to George.
After three of the mentioned experiences had taken place, she met M.H. for the first time at a lecture. Interpreting the Secret Doctrine of Madame Blavatsky. Through the stirring nature of the encounter with the message of the Secret Doctrine, as well as the personality of M.H., plans modulated in her mind, which provoked her decision to move to California for future religious education of Peter, and which became closely related to the birth of Jo Ann.
As far as basic preparation of ideology—the wisdom aspect of the great message of the New Aquarian Age, is concerned—the work I progress by M.B. is closely related to that of M.H. and cooperative endeavor is greatly desirable—not alone for purposes of giving life to Madame Blavatsky’s work—but of revealing the true Life of Christianity and of the Secret Doctrine of the East, as well as the philosophical depth and profundity of all Ancient Teachers—such as Buddha, Plato, Pythagoras, etc.
Though her reasons for seeking sincere and personal cooperation of M.H. may be as personal as human relationships and human history are long—they are also impersonally personal as is the unifying nature of divided personal love, which becomes Mother love in life-projection, and as devoted to Christ’s ideal, as Mary Magdalene was to Jesus.
She realizes that the work is very big and very vital, that she alone is weak—because wisdom and love when reflected through a human personality are naturally colored thereby. She is also sincerely devoted to Lord Bacon’s cause, in spite of the fact that she has accused masonry of “criminal secrecy,” etc., and in spite of the fact that she does not wish to receive knowledge directly from any source or Masters outside of stimulated discernment. If it is necessary, they could give it to someone else, and she would willingly cooperate—but she does not want to be bound in any way or form to obligations of “keeping secrecy” on anything that might tend to general enlightenment.
Three times, when perhaps personal weakness and lack of historical or educational background [sic], might have caused natural interruption of the flow of truth-ideas—and because cooperation by those who would be capable, was not forthcoming, she reached a state of “extra sensory perception” where she learned a great deal through that which was recalled by memory of experiences taking place while she was physically unconscious, or judged mentally insane.
Each time, things perceived through hearing and seeing (with senses) were considered by her rather skeptically—for by means of modern projection such visions while in a waking state could have been induced.
It is her contention that during a state of either physical unconsciousness or so-called mental insanity when she lost touch with direct environmental implications, her mind was impressed with patterns to be rescued by her later endeavors. For often they are corrective of former endeavors and the implications of the extra sensory experiences do not become clear until much later they are a thrilling verification of what has been discerned in the course of writing and drawing.
The person who during Christ’s time became Judas, and who on a spiritual scale is the luciferian twin to him who became Adam, has been directly involved, and is personally known to M.B. There is a chance for him personally—and for those in his likeness, to make retraction of otherwise fatal karmic debts in connection with the revelation of the wisdom-love and of life-projection in the New Age.
September 11, 1951
HOTEL COIT-RAMSEY, OAKLAND
Hello, Honey
I hope that all is going well with you and Dolly & the house. I wish I was home, but the days will soon pass. Be a good little girl and think about your wandering serpent from the garden of North Hillhurst.
All my love and prayers are with you—say hello to Dolly.
Your hubby, Manly
September 15, 1951
HOTEL COIT-RAMSEY, OAKLAND
Hello Baby
I hope that the [stool softener] treatment helps you, but I have never had much luck with that type of approach to health problems. At least it should purify the system, but just take another kind of laxative and feel that something is solved. When I get home, we will have to go into this long-standing difficulty of yours thoroughly and scientifically.
Mrs. Young has had three treatments from Mr. Gray and is feeling well right now. I hope that she will have no more trouble.
Among other things, my driver’s license expired on the trip and I had to take the examination for a new one here in Oakland. Believe it or not, your special duck passed the first time with a score of 100%. It surprised me more than the Oakland License Board!
Manly to Marie
Manly to Marie
Give yourself a very big and very tight hug from me and get in good health so we can have a home coming celebration!!! My kindest regards to Dolly.
Always the old papa duck
Love
September 19, 1951
HOTEL COIT-RAMSEY, OAKLAND
Hello Little One
Your grand letter arrived this a.m. and I note that you say the (garbage) disposal unit is now working—Allah be praised! Maybe the washing machine will be next.
I’m getting awfully homesick.
Delighted that you decided to keep the bed warm until I return.
So my bed is in the alcove—maybe it’s a good thing that I am the old snake, I can wiggle in and out more easily!
I do hope that your diet is going to be a real help—you have certainly been faithful. Maybe I will try it too, when the office is not so pressing.
Because I am coming home pretty soon, don’t worry or get too lonesome. Be my happy, healthy and eternally little (drawing of a glowing duckling).
Always the other member of the firm of Duck & Duck.
Your loving hubby
Manly
September 22, 1951
HOTEL COIT-RAMSEY, OAKLAND
Dearest Baby (drawing of a duck)
If you eat so much toast that you gain 10 pounds that will be OK with me!!!
In any event we could be in by noon on Thursday. Don’t make any appointments for that day as I want you all to myself. I don’t plan to go to the office before Monday unless there is an emergency—maybe we can do something special over the weekend!!!
All kinds of hugs, squeezes, umphs, ou-u-u-s, and the like, until I can deliver them in person. I’m getting more homesick, and lonesome every minute—take good care of yourself and keep my room warm and happy with very high duck vibrations.
Your old hubby duck from the Garden of Eden. (drawings of three ducks: Adam Duck, Eve Duck and Serpent Duck)
Always my love
Manly
Manly to Marie
