Helena knew it would take Jim a while, knew he had got himself stuck and only he could get himself out. As much as she cared for him, as much as she wanted to tell him what to do, she knew he would have to work it out for himself. She had understood the mess he had found himself in, perhaps better than he did. She remembered the drunken phone call and his message, she now understood what he had done and his catastrophic mistake. It still made her smile. How could it not? On so many levels she knew how she felt about him and now, she knew he felt the same. As odd as it sounded, for now, that was enough. She didn’t know what to do with that knowledge; she didn’t know how to act or where to go from here. She hoped it wouldn’t take Jim long to get his way out of his engagement and find his way to her. Helena’s heart beat faster at the thought. Would he kiss her? Could she just kiss him? Just walk right up to him and grab him. Why not?
As days passed, she avoided any correspondence from work and busied herself in her dad’s mechanic shop, just as she had done in her teen years. After years of truck driving, it was so good to get her hands dirty again. Being an old-fashioned mechanic, most of her father’s jobs involved working with older cars and restoring them. Some parts no longer existed and he would recreate what he could with his welding equipment. It was a thorough science which required much patience and ingenuity. There was nothing better than the sound of an old motor coming back to life. Forget the Bible, this was where real miracles happened. Her father’s company was good too. He didn’t talk much and when he did, it was practical. No stupid melodrama like with Jim. No, just good old-fashioned, “Pass me the quarter-inch wrench” or “Take that out” or “Let’s have a beer”.
He had groaned as her phone had ‘dinged’ throughout the first morning so Helena learnt to put it on silent. It was only Jim anyway, often with nothing to say, but saying it anyway. His contact was comforting, yet frustrating too. She wished he would get drunk again, so she could know what was really going on with him. He still hadn’t ended things with Kelly.
Helena supposed he had wussed out at the last minute. Helena was the kind of person who ripped off a Band-Aid in one quick tear, but Jim obviously preferred a slow, gradual removal. Painful, painful Jim. That’s what he was. It hurt her too, of course, but she knew the truth. He didn’t love Kelly, he loved her. It would only be a matter of time.
“You’re very quiet these days,” her dad said one afternoon. She looked at him, leaving her latest fantasy of kissing Jim in the back seat of the old Chevy they were fixing. Sure, it would be tight, but she would welcome the close contact.
“I guess.”
He opened the garage bar fridge and held up a beer suggestively. She nodded her assent and he handed one over.
“Everything okay?”
She nodded, twisting the lid off and taking a swig. He continued.
“Will you go back?”
Helena froze, unsure of what he meant: go back to work or go back to Jim?
He shrugged, “Your mum told me they were giving you a hard time.” Helena exhaled, grateful that it wasn’t the former. He continued, “But it’s just not like you to let anyone push you around.”
She couldn’t face him when she spoke, just stared at the cascading bubbles in her beer bottle. She nodded. It was not like her, yet here she was. “I was okay,” she said after a long pause. “When I first started there, I liked giving it to some of those idiots,” she smiled. “It was like being here with Mike and Brett. But then I met this guy.” Her father went pale, he never liked romance talk. “And I liked him, and I tried dating him, you know like a real girl would, but things got weird.”
Her dad raised his eyebrows in question.
“Just weird, okay? I thought he was different than the others. And he was, just worse. He said things about me at work. Bad stuff. The others believed him, or wanted to believe him. It’s disgusting.”
“Do you really care what they think?”
“No, not really. I don’t know why it got to me? Lately, I’ve been feeling different about everything.”
He looked at her for an elaboration, but she could only shrug her shoulders. “I don’t know. I’m different. I’ve not been myself since…”
“Since what?”
“Nothing,” she said quickly finishing the rest of her beer. “I think I need a shower.” She went to put the beer in the bin, but he stood in her way.
“Helena, what’s going on with you?” Concern was written in his eyes. She looked away before he could see her weakness. “You don’t have to be strong all the time you know,” he added.
She shook her head, “I doubt it. You’ve never been weak. You’re always in control. That is how I want to be.”
“I’ve been weak plenty of times, it’s your mother who makes me strong.”
“Yeah right,” Helena snorted. “I’ve seen how she drives you crazy.”
Her father looked at her in confusion, “She never weakens me. When you were born, when you three were born, I felt as strong as an ox. Just like when I married your mother. She is my greatest strength.”
She was unconvinced, “So why do I feel so weak, why am I letting everything get to me? I’m not strong; I’m a wreck.”
He smiled, “Is this boy trouble?”
She’d walked right into that one. She shook her head hoping she wouldn’t have to actually lie. He put a hand on her shoulder and pulled Helena into a hug. She felt the tears come, as though of their own accord, as she clung to her father. “This is ridiculous,” she said to herself as she pulled away, wiping the tears from her cheeks.
“No,” he said. “There is nothing ridiculous about it. You’re young, why does everything have to be so…” He searched for the words that wouldn’t come.
“So what?” she said apprehensively. She couldn’t deal with her father’s disapproval right now.
“So clear. It’s like you want to know everything before it happens. You can’t control everything, Helena.” She nodded vaguely. He had a point. He continued, “When I was your age, I was an apprentice mechanic. When I met your mother, I was living in a garage and had no money. It took years to get married and get a place of our own, but we figured it out together. There was no easy plan, things just took time, and you know what? We had a ball. Just being young and having each other was enough. But you, you want to skip all that. It’s okay to be scared.” He wasn’t teasing her, she knew that, but she could never admit to being scared, not to him. She shook her head. He smirked, “It’s nice to think you got your stubbornness from me, but now I see you got it from your mum. Good luck to your fella.”
“I don’t have a fella!”
He laughed, “I can think of someone.”
“Who?” she challenged, knowing full well whom he meant.
He wouldn’t answer and only said, “Let’s go, I don’t want to be late for dinner.”
Helena simmered as they turned and exited the garage. Why did it seem that her father already knew her feelings for Jim when she herself had only recently realised them? Was she that obvious? Had she always been that obvious? She didn’t know. What Helena did know was that the jerk hadn’t called or come to see her in days and she was running out of patience.