Jim no longer listened to techno music, but the day ran much as it had ten years before. He followed the same lines, now slightly faded and cracked, down halls to get his bloods taken and see the specialists. Even the German nurse, Claire, still worked there, but the files were gone. Everything was on computers these days.
He still hated the smells in the waiting room.
Finally, the oncologist was ready to see him. “Ah, James,” Dr Francis greeted him as Jim wandered into his office.
“Doc.”
“How are you feeling?”
Like shit, he wanted to say. He was already halfway through his first chemo cycle and planned to get it over with as soon as possible.
“I’m okay,” he lied.
“No, you’re not.” Dr Francis looked at his screen. “It looks like your cell counts are all low, but at least we caught it relatively early. Are you eating healthily?”
Jim shook his head.
“Exercise? Honestly, you’re still only young. You should be fighting this with everything you’ve got.”
“I’m here, aren’t I?”
The doctor sighed, “You need to take care of yourself. And you need help. From your family and friends. Have you got a partner to support you?”
“No.”
“Oh, really. Well, who’s that at the door then?”
Jim turned and looked out the glass door and saw a stunningly beautiful vision of a red-haired, blue-eyed, freckled woman glowering at him. She had her arms folded, staring at him with molten fury in her eyes.
“I just need a minute,” Jim said trying to keep the emotion out of his voice. The doctor waved him away and returned to his computer.
Jim opened the door and looked at the girl of his dreams who continued to glare at him with a look that would make a pride of lions run for their lives.
“You fucking stupid moron! How dare you not tell me?”
“I want you to have a full life, Hels, not waste your time with me in here until my body gives up. I can’t do that to you.”
“And you get to choose that for me? You arrogant wanker. You made that decision for me.”
“Yes, I’d keep you out of harm’s way! I’d sacrifice everything if that meant you could be happy and live a normal life.”
Helena took a backward step. Jim refused to back down, she didn’t belong here. Each of them glared at the other.
“You don’t think I’m strong enough to be here for you, is that it?” Her voice was low, but there was no hiding her thunderous anger.
“No, I’m not strong enough to have you in here, day after day, watching me die. I’m not strong enough to see the pain in your eyes and know I caused it.”
“So, you call me a slut instead?”
“If it helps you move on quicker, then yes, say something stupid to ensure you leave me here.”
“What if I don’t want to leave you here? What if I want to be here for you, through good and bad, whatever it takes? What if that’s what I want?”
“Then you don’t know how bad it can get.”
“How bad can it get, Jim? Shock me.”
“I see the others and their families, I see the pain, the tears, the loss, the devastation. I don’t want that for you, Hels, I want you smiling and laughing.”
“So, if I had cancer, you wouldn’t want to be there for me?” she asked softly.
“What? No never, I would die for you.”
“So, it’s okay for you to be there for me, but not for me to be there for you.”
“Hels you are beautiful, more beautiful than you’ll ever know and I have loved you since the moment you moved in next door twenty years ago. There is nothing in this world more important to me than you. I want you to have the life you are made for, a life of fun, of love, and that is more important to me than my selfish need to have you with me while I go through all this shit. How can I say I love you, then expect you to watch me go through this and possibly die at the end of it? Who knows how long I’ve got? There’ll be more complications and relapses. There’s always going to be something wrong with me and you deserve better.” He wiped away the perspiration that had built up. “You deserve to be loved your whole life, not just for a couple of shitty years with me in here.”
That was it really, that was the point. Jim was looking beyond the little things and was looking at the big picture and the only picture he could see was the pain and sadness he would bring the girl he loved.
“So, you do love me then?” Helena asked.
“Really? That’s all you got from that?”
“Yes or no, Jim, do you love me? No bullshitting.”
He shrugged, “Of course, I love you, and I am sorry I said those things, none of them were true. You just wouldn’t take a hint. You are so bloody annoying.”
“I’m annoying? Me? This coming from a guy who would rather break my heart into a million pieces than allow me to support and love him during a difficult time in his life.”
“It’s more than a difficult time.”
“You don’t know that you arrogant shit, for all you know this could be the last time it ever comes back. Maybe you will live to be the old annoying bastard I know you can be. We don’t know the future, all we know is the present and the past. Jim, you are my past, and I want you as my present, every day, no matter what, and I want you as my future. I want you to be the man I know you are, without any of this hero bullshit. Just be Jim. Let me love you and love me and let the rest sort itself out.”
Helena placed a hand on his shoulders, her blue eyes staring deep into his, pleading with him.
“This is why I never told you,” he admitted. He threw an arm around her waist pulling her to him. Her eyebrows raised in question. “I knew I would be unable to stop you.”
She nodded, “I guess you’re stuck with me.”
He moved into kiss her soft lips, but before he could, she pulled back, “I’m still pissed at you.” And then their lips met.
*****
The rest of the day, Helena sat with Jim, holding his hand as the chemotherapy was slowly administered. He tried to nap and she watched him intently. At least she understood now. He was an idiot, but he loved her and had tried his best to protect her. He should have known she didn’t need his protecting, just his honesty and love. She kissed the hand of his free arm, and Jim opened his eyes a fraction and smiled.
“You okay?” she asked.
“Yeah, just thinking. When we played truth or dare that time, and you lied. Who did you really like?”
“That was such a long time ago, I can’t even remember his name,” she teased. “He lived next door though, and we played together all the time. He was a real cutie.”
“What do you think happened to him?” Jim wondered.
“He turned out to be a real pain in the arse, but also someone I can’t live without. He is the love of my life.”
“Really? Lucky guy,” he said unable to keep the goofy grin off his face.
“Speaking of which, I still owe you one dare.”
“That’s true,” he deliberated. “I did enjoy the kiss from the first dare.”
“Would you like another one?” He nodded and she leaned across his chair and kissed him until they began to get a little too carried away.
Helena looked apologetically at the other patients as she sat back next to him. “Yeah, but I don’t think you can have the same dare twice. I don’t want things to be boring.”
She looked at him, one eyebrow raised, “So, what’s your dare then?”
“I dare you to marry me.”
Helena laughed, and then stopped when she realised he wasn’t teasing. “Are you serious? First you drunk text to the wrong person and now in a dare from a game we stopped playing almost fifteen years ago… What’s next?”
“I love you Hels, and if I can, I want to marry you. Not now, but when all this is over.”
“God Jim, what do you mean if you can? You walk up to the celebrant, they do the ceremony and you kiss me. Is that so hard?”
He shrugged, “So, what do you think? Marry me?”
She looked into his eyes and paused, “That’s your double dare used up.”
He sat bolt upright almost pulling the drip from his arm. “You will?”
She pretended to think about it, then gave a shrug and nodded, “Of course, you idiot!”
Jim chuckled, cradling her face with his palm and kissing her. She was sure her smile was just as goofy as his when they sealed the deal with several more kisses.
“I love you, Helena.”
“I love you, James.”
She loved seeing the peace in his eyes as he told her he loved her and the joy her acceptance gave him. Helena promised him silently she would be there for him through it all, she would be strong when he was weak, his energy when he was tired, his spark when he was flat, his laughter when he was sad. She felt nothing but love for Jim, even if he was stupid and annoying. He was the love of her life.
The End