Anger will never be overcome by anger, but by love alone.

THE BUDDHA

5

Compassion

Overcoming Anger

If you approach anger with anger, as the Buddha taught more than two millennia ago, you will only add to conflict, not lessen it. It’s easy to respond to your own anger impulsively, and it’s even easier to judge others for the impulsive reactions that stem from their anger. It can be tough to have compassion for people who have just acted or reacted out of anger, because anger and its manifestations can certainly be scary. Regardless of how difficult it might be to practice, however, the reality is that, objectively, the Buddha was right: Compassion is what transforms anger. In fact, when you truly exude compassion for yourself and others, your energy is peaceful, your self-talk is balanced, and your presence is safe for others to be around. Your ability to circumvent others’ fight-or-flight response and effectively handle anger and conflict increases dramatically.

Having control over your energy can be challenging at times, and having control over your energy in the face of anger and conflict can be even more so; that is why I say that Yield Theory is easy to understand but difficult to practice. Knowing about compassion intellectually and even fully buying into it as an effective approach for handling anger are not the same as actually practicing it. In this chapter, I will present a perspective on compassion that you can integrate into your daily life, as well as some hands-on exercises you can do to increase your compassion for others.

Compassion as Perspective

The word “compassion” stems from the Latin compati, which means “to suffer with.” To show compassion is to demonstrate to others that you are willing to at least see, if not in some way feel, their pain. In other words, when others perceive that you understand the side of the box they’re sharing with you, they will likely feel that you get why they did what they did. If you try to imagine yourself as the person you’re talking to—complete with their cognitive functioning, affective capabilities, and life experiences—you naturally can share in trying to understand the world from their perspective.

From a standpoint of compassion, “suffering with” someone circumvents the me-versus-you contest narrative of conflict and moves us right into the realm of the striking together definition. As others sense that you are authentically seeking to share the load of what they’re experiencing (even by listening as accurately as possible), they will be quick to drop their defenses and let you inside their psychological world—or inside their vehicle, as the original metaphor of Yield Theory offers. From there it is not difficult to influence people to steer themselves down a different path.

There is a reason why people do the things they do. Explaining behavior, of course, is not the same thing as excusing it. I don’t condone, justify, or minimize violence; but I can explain it. Sometimes people act in harmful ways because of impulsivity, past experiences, cognitive functioning, selfishness, beliefs, or even reasons not yet fully understood—but there are always precursors to why people lash out and hurt others. Your knowing there’s always a reason why people do what they do, even if you cannot immediately identify what that reason is, can profoundly shift your perspective.

Your perspective affects the way you experience the world. If being stuck in traffic is making you late for something important, for instance, and you take the perspective that everything happens for a reason, then you will likely be sitting in gratitude while you wait. If your perspective, however, is driven by your cartoon world (“This traffic jam shouldn’t be happening!”), then you will likely sit in impatience and anger. Either way, the traffic around you is the same; your perspective drives how you experience that moment. Your perspective determines how you experience all moments, in fact, and then of course your experiences influence your perspective. When it comes to handling anger and conflict, keeping compassion in the foreground of your perspective and nonjudgmentally seeing people’s actions in the context of a bigger picture radically shift the energy you bring to what you encounter.

It’s generally easier to see your own actions from the perspective of a bigger picture. You know that in every situation you’ve ever experienced, there was always more going on in your mind than what people saw. Because you’re the only one with complete, unrestricted access to your mind, you’re the only one who knows the true extent of the racing thoughts you’ve had, the internal battles you’ve fought, or even all the impulsive thoughts that have gone through your mind—including the countless that you’ve resisted. Some combination of multiple factors have influenced your every move—biological forces like impulse and desire, your sense of curiosity, your selfishness or altruism, your physiological or emotional state, and on and on. But at the end of the day, the world only ever saw your actions, not your intentions or thoughts or the myriad underlying factors that shaped your decisions. As a result, people judged you on your actions alone.

That is why compassion is the foundational perspective of Yield Theory: because there is so much more to your complete human experience than just your observable actions, and I believe that is true not only for you but for everyone else.

When you engage in the exercise of imagining yourself as others entirely, even with their faculties, you avoid the trap of judgmentally proclaiming “what I would do if I were in your shoes.” That exercise helps you realize that you being in their shoes is still you being you, with your same cognitive functioning, emotional range, and life experiences. Sure, you’ve had tough times and didn’t do X (fill in the X with anything others do that you might judge), but you chose not to do X from your neurons firing precisely as they did in those exact moments, not someone else’s. No matter how similar your life obstacles appear to be to anyone else’s, they were always your obstacles alone, from your unique perception and perspective, just as all other people’s obstacles and experiences are theirs alone. The more you strive to understand the great complexity that has led to people’s actions, the more you will understand that it is not about who is right and who is wrong or who has done things better or worse, but about how your energy (the only person’s energy you can control) can affect the anger and conflict presently at hand.

The way you approach others shifts when you take the perspective that you cannot reasonably say what you would have done differently in their situation. Like the Great Watermelon Slayer, you don’t have to demand that others should know what you know or do what you do. As you try to see what others are seeing, you are able to lead with compassion in a way that helps others feel safe enough to drop their defenses, invite you into their phenomenological worlds, and feel as though you are, in whatever way you can be, suffering with them—even if your suffering only involves you validating the pain they are experiencing. Expressing that you get what others are communicating (which is different from expressing that you “completely understand” them) is a powerful way to help people feel comfortable enough to de-escalate around you.

Any interaction you have with others, especially when it comes to anger, is a shared experience. When you’re angry with others or they with you, the connection binds you, at least in that emotional experience. Because psychological pain is essentially abstract but can still feel overwhelming, seeing it in terms of metaphors can make it tangible and manageable. For example, imagine that anger is a heavily weighted object that people carry unnecessarily. Seen this way, the concept of compassion as suffering with others doesn’t entail you inflicting pain on yourself, but rather lending a hand to help others carry that weight—even momentarily.

Imagine a man trying to carry a huge log by himself. Since the log is heavy and awkward, all of his energy is devoted to trying to hold onto it, and he can’t even step back and question if it’s worthwhile for him to continue to carry it. When I interact with someone who is struggling with anger, I visualize that I run over to the person and take one end of the piece of wood to significantly lighten their load. Then, with the two of us bearing the psychological weight together, the other person has enough mental space to step back and ask themselves if they truly need to be carrying the log in the first place. When people have the opportunity to reflect, unhindered by having to defend why they’re carrying their “anger log” in the first place, they become open to setting it down. In other words, by listening and validating with compassion, I can help people move away from operating out of their more reactive emotional system and begin exploring realistic options from their higher-level decision-making center.

As you embrace compassion as your perspective, you will find that the incredible ability to exude tremendous compassion resides right at your fingertips.

Once there was an envious monk who wanted to get rid of the Buddha. He figured that if he could kill the Buddha, all the monks would follow him instead. So he devised a plan to provoke and release one of the king’s giant warrior elephants the next morning at the exact time the Buddha would set out along the streets to beg for alms. His plan was to get the elephant inebriated, poke at it with a spear, and then release it from its chains so the elephant would trample the Buddha to death in what would appear to be an accident.

But one of the Buddha’s most faithful monks just happened to overhear the plan and raced to tell the Buddha what he heard. Despite his faithful friend begging him not to go out the following morning, the Buddha simply smiled calmly and said everything would be okay. The next morning, the envious monk went through with his plan, got the elephant inebriated, poked at it with a spear, and released it from its chains. The elephant stomped wildly and recklessly through the streets, and the people were all afraid. At the other end of town, the Buddha started out down the road, insisting all his monks stand behind him.

Sure enough, the elephant came pounding toward the Buddha. The Buddha, however, stood firmly planted in the middle of the road, dug deeply into the endless wellspring of compassion he held within, and sent what was equivalent to oceanic waves of compassion straight toward the stomping, enraged elephant.

The waves of compassion echoed out from the Buddha so strongly and hit the beast so powerfully that the giant creature slowed down from a run to a walk to a stroll. When it was almost stopped about ten yards from the Buddha, the Honored One smiled at the elephant and motioned for it to come forward. The elephant approached the Buddha and bowed at his feet. The Buddha put his hand on the elephant’s head and put his forehead lovingly against the animal’s.

The people were amazed, and as they talked among themselves in awe, the Buddha slipped off, smiling. It is said that a small boy noticed this, ran to catch up with him, and asked him why he was smiling. The Buddha said, “All these people think that what just happened was a miracle from me, but I am smiling because what I know is that the oceanic wave of compassion I sent to that poor, angry elephant is the same oceanic wave that can be summoned by all people, at any time.” And he continued on his way.

The boy caught up to him again at the outskirts of town, and this time he said, “I have to know: Are you a god?” To which the Buddha smiled and replied, “No.”

The boy asked, “Are you an angel?” To which the Buddha said, “No.”

And the boy asked, “Are you a saint?” The Buddha just smiled kindly and shook his head no.

Finally, the boy asked, “Well, then, what are you?” And the Buddha said, “I am awake.”

As long as you participate in life, you are likely to encounter elephant-sized, seemingly unstoppable, raging emotions, either others’ or your own. When you do, it’s wise to remember that the oceanic waves of compassion the Buddha sent out from his core are in fact the same waves that exist inside of you. When you practice compassion exercises through meditation, you will develop and enhance your ability to send those waves far out in front of you. Even by visualizing exuding compassion, you are amplifying your compassion. And brain scans second that. In states of compassion, you can exude the type of safe energy that others, via their mirror neurons, can pick up on even subconsciously. With practice, you will be able to walk through anger the way the Buddha faced the angry elephant.

How to Increase Your Compassion

You can’t hug someone if there are walls between the two of you. It’s equally difficult to connect with others when there are too many psychological barriers between you. Although you cannot account for the barriers others put up, you can certainly attempt to clear your own. By working on yourself and clearing the barriers that exist on your end, you make yourself a safe space to be around psychologically. The safer others feel around you, the less need they have to keep their own protective walls up. Removing the walls that protect your ego and place unnecessary obstacles between you and others takes self-awareness and effort, but one of the fastest ways of lowering your walls and making yourself a safe space is directly tied to your ability to exude compassion.

Research has demonstrated that there are hands-on, pragmatic ways for you to increase your sense of compassion. The following two very effective practices stem from Buddhist traditions; however, you do not have to subscribe to any particular theology to practice them.

Compassion Meditation

In the most basic compassion meditation, the goal is to wish health, peace, and good intentions to others, even to those with whom you are very angry. The practice involves saying three basic statements. The technique is to start with yourself, then move to the next closest person to you, and then move out farther and farther until eventually you can say this meditation for those with whom you are angry. The statements are:

        •    May X be healthy.

        •    May X be peaceful.

        •    May all of X’s good intentions be fulfilled.

Even the most cynical, selfish person can see value in wishing health, peace, and good intentions to others: A person who is healthy, peaceful, and exuding only good intentions is not likely to cause much strife. But beyond that, the more you practice wishing health, peace, and good intentions to others, the more gray matter increases in the specific brain regions that light up when you exude compassion. In other words, even if you are only “faking it until you make it,” you will eventually make it.

The reason behind starting with yourself in this meditation is it’s generally easier to wish health and peace for yourself, as few wish to be ill or in states of unrest. Then, as you move out in concentric circles, beginning with those whom you care about the most, you are setting a strong foundation from which to build your compassion outward. If at any point you find it difficult to say this meditation for someone, go back to the beginning and start over. Saying it for yourself first is important, as you are the source of your compassion. Be easy on yourself if you just can’t muster up the ability to say it for someone with whom you’re really struggling. By continuously coming back to the people you can do it for, you’re building strength in your compassion.

It’s common to reach a point in this exercise where you just begin to say it unconsciously for those you struggle with the most. As with all practices, the more you say it, the easier it gets to say it again.

Seven Breaths

Tonglen is a powerfully transformative meditation in which the practitioner visualizes breathing in the pain of others and then exhaling a healing balm back to them. The idea stems from the belief that divinity exists inside all of us and that when we breathe in the pain of others, the pain never actually enters us but rather is transformed before it even reaches us. In essence, we are not taking on the pain of others but siphoning enough of it to rid them of it, returning only healing energy to them.

To the most skeptical among us, this is a silly visualization with no merit. But to the neuroscientist who evaluates brain functioning in the context of what patients report regarding their current cognitions, an exercise like this can shrink the amygdala and lessen the excretion of cortisol, a stress hormone, while increasing the excretion of the bonding hormone oxytocin. In short, that means that you can move from feeling anxious or even angry to feeling loving-kindness.

Loving-kindness is the goal of tonglen. Seven Breaths is a meditation I developed exactly seven years ago; I promised myself I wouldn’t publish it until I had practiced it every day for at least seven years. How time flies. Seven Breaths is a tonglen exercise that does not take long to do but can set you up to approach your day from a vastly expanded perspective. The meditation exercise entails starting with yourself and your loved ones and eventually branching out to all dimensions and reality, both known and unknown. I practice this meditation every day, have for seven years, and have watched profound transformations in both me and those around me result from my doing it.

Practicing Seven Breaths is simple but potent. As the name states, you take seven breaths; with each breath, you breathe in the pain and suffering of others and breathe healing energy back out to them. The first tonglen breath you take is for yourself and your family. So you might imagine your ethereal self hovering above your family and you, breathe in and visualize taking in all of your own suffering and pain, and then exhale and visualize sending healing energy back to your family and you. The second breath is for all living beings on the continent where you are: Breathe in their pain and suffering, breathe out healing energy to them. The third breath is for the world and, again, all life in it. The fourth breath is for all life in the galaxy. Think about it: There are more than 100 billion stars in our galaxy, and there is countless potential for life; so you would imagine breathing in the pain of all of that life, and then breathing out healing energy toward all of it. The fifth breath you take is for the surrounding galaxies; again, visualize all of the multitudes of planets and life as you inhale and exhale. The sixth breath you take is for all life in the known universe. Finally, the seventh breath is for all dimensions, including time (past, present, future), all multiverses, and all potential existence.

Big thought? Of course. But imagine what might take place inside of you if you were to begin every day thinking on a scale that size. Imagine how your everyday problems might shrink in the context of a meditation that grounds you in inhaling the pain and suffering of all living beings, past, present, and future, and then breathing back out a healing balm of energy to them. Imagine how you might transcend the immediate pain you have as you focus on the reality of the struggles faced by beings you don’t even know about, let alone encounter. Seven Breaths has helped me develop an all-encompassing compassion that has transformed who I am and how I relate to the world by widening my perspective infinitely and by putting that vastness in my foreground on a daily basis.

Seven Breaths is a practical method for increasing the compassion you feel and exude. Imagine going through your day with the perspective that what you experience is only a minute fraction of the essence of the totality of existence. Seven Breaths is a deep exercise that can be done in a relatively short amount of time. At a minimum, it can improve the way you view, approach, and interact with others. At its best, Seven Breaths can reshape your ability to hold a macroperspective of life in the foreground of everything you experience. Although this meditation isn’t a quick fix or a magic pill intended to produce euphoric feelings, in a fast-paced world where time management is valued, setting aside a few moments in your day to take seven intentional breaths is a worthwhile practice that can significantly impact the way you interact with others.

Compassion isn’t weakness, and it certainly doesn’t equate with giving in or being walked all over. Instead, it’s a state of being that alters the energy you bring to interactions. Through compassion, your energy introduces your presence as a safe space for others. In the context of a safe space, people don’t need to rely on defenses that might otherwise be on alert if they felt threatened or attacked. When you lead with compassion, you give yourself a significantly better chance to bypass defensiveness and communicate in ways that are heard.

Practicing Loving-Kindness

A teacher once asked a group of students the following question: “If I gave you a bucket, what would you put in it?” The students asked what the bucket was for, but the teacher refused to give a context. He simply said, “I would just give you a bucket, and what I want to know is what you would put in it.” A young man spoke up and answered, “I would put my cell phone in it.” The teacher said, “Okay, great,” and then pointed to another student. She said, “Food.” Another student said, “Money.” The teacher said, “Wonderful. So whatever you put in your bucket, you put in your bucket. I have no judgment about that. The point I want to make is this: Whatever you put in your bucket will in fact be in your bucket, right?” The students seemed confused, but they all agreed that, yes, whatever they put in their bucket would be in their bucket.

The teacher continued, “It might not seem profound to realize that whatever you put in your bucket will be in it, until you realize this: Your mind is the same way. Whatever you fill your mind with will be in your mind. If you watch violent movies and play violent games and listen to violent music, then expect violence to be in your mind. But if you fill your mind with peaceful images, peaceful music, and peaceful thoughts, then that will be in your mind. You would do well to understand that whatever you put in your mind will be in it.”

You master whatever you practice. If you practice reacting impulsively out of anger, you will get very good at that. Conversely, if you practice patience, you will master that. One of the best ways to become more compassionate is to practice loving-kindness, beginning with your thoughts. “Mind is the forerunner of all actions,” taught the Buddha. When you learn to control your self-talk, you will master your emotions, including anger.

Anger causes suffering because it expects, demands, and desires. Like someone practicing acts of cyber-cowardice by spewing hateful or degrading comments on the Internet from a hidden place of anonymity, anger also seems to operate in the dark recesses of impulse. When we shine light on the thoughts that are occurring around anger, however, it changes. What is brought to the light cannot remain in the dark. When every view we have of the world includes compassionate loving-kindness, we begin to overcome the cowardly anger that we previously permitted to control us.

Practicing loving-kindness and exuding compassion in the face of anger, aggression, and even violence might seem like a misplaced juxtaposition, but in the context of a larger, inclusive perspective, it’s possible to see them as two sides of the same coin. One of my favorite anecdotes from the great mythologist Joseph Campbell is actually not one of the myths he told but, rather, a story from his own life. He once had the good fortune to meet a great saint in India. When you meet such a person, tradition dictates that the guru does not offer answers unsolicited but only responds to questions (an ideal way to practice Yield Theory, by the way, as teaching with such a pedagogy puts you in a position to meet students exactly where they are intellectually). Joseph Campbell’s question to the teacher was this: “If, as we know, all things are Brahman, are this divine energy, then why do we renounce the world, why do we renounce vice, why do we renounce stupidity? Why do we not see the divine shining through the most brutal, the most horrendous, the most stupid, and most dark?” The teacher responded, “For you and me, that is where it is.” From the rest of his writings and teachings, it seems clear Joseph Campbell got that lesson. The two of them understood that compassion is a state of being driven by perspective.

One of the easiest, most straightforward ways to practice loving-kindness is to mentally repeat the phrase “loving-kindness” as frequently as possible. By practicing saying it in your mind, it becomes a habit, and you will find you can rely on it when you need it most. For example, if your mind races with angry, vengeful, or even hate-inspired thoughts, you can redirect the negative thoughts by allowing the phrase “loving-kindness” to become the mantra.

Filling your mind with this phrase allows any negative thoughts or statements to drift into the background and eventually to disappear. Being mindful of the Buddha’s wisdom that you are becoming what you think, as well as recognizing that whatever you fill your mind with will be in your mind, gives you the opportunity to actively choose to engage in the type of self-talk that will most directly lead you to the psychological space where you want to be.

You don’t have to use the word “loving-kindness,” of course. You can use any words that direct your mind to where you want to be. But I personally have experienced a radical transformation in my own life since I started utilizing this phrase on a daily basis. I began repeating “loving-kindness” to myself when I found that not only were some of the stories of the people I worked with sticking with me after I left them, but also the anger and violence were beginning to have primacy in my mind. At first, I had to force myself to remember to say it. Once it became a habit, however, I found that I would be repeating it even when I wasn’t using it to redirect my mind away from angry or unwanted thoughts.

Then I started to use it anytime I wanted to lead with compassion in my life, including regarding thoughts about myself. Like many people I’ve encountered, it can be much easier for me to be forgiving of others than I am of myself. That changed when I started practicing mentally saying the phrase, “loving-kindness.” Soon, I realized that the more I repeated it to myself, the more it guided my every interaction. This practice has helped me maintain my center regardless of what is happening around me, and that in turn has shaped how I approach others.

Applying Compassion

Imagine encountering a person who disagrees with something that you believe strongly. The moment that disagreement occurs, your defense system goes on high alert, triggering electrical charges and chemical processes in your brain that signal you should protect yourself. With excess adrenaline and cortisol flowing through you in that moment, you could easily erupt in anger and go off on the person, stating all the facts that support what you believe. From your cartoon-world perspective, you could prove why the other person “shouldn’t” think those thoughts. Then a series of real-world questions about changing others hits you like a rush of insight: “What will my being right do? Will my angrily proving others wrong change anything? Will they just drop their beliefs and convert to my way of thinking? Or will me proving I’m right just elicit defensiveness? And so what if I’m right? What does that mean for me? Will I get a gold star? Will my ego be fed and allow me to convince myself that I’m better than others? Do I even like people who think they’re better than others?” And the flurry of questions brings a new level of awareness for you. You realize that, although your ego wants to be right, your essence would rather apply compassion and seek to understand.

Applying compassion is a way of life, and opportunities to practice it are everywhere. Think of news stories you see that involve celebrities or media personalities whom you don’t like, people you don’t even personally know. What makes you not like someone—especially someone you don’t even know? Evaluating your judgments and why you might feel strongly about disliking others takes effort. Applying compassion takes effort, and it doesn’t just happen in your interactions—it begins in your thoughts. Do you enjoy seeing others fail? Do you get a little boost in your step when you see a successful person’s mishaps? It takes courage to confront your ego and challenge why you feel the need to hold on to your judgments.

I’ve sat with people who have committed unspeakably horrendous acts of violence. I’ve felt my stomach turn from reading case files, seeing pictures of victims, and listening to serial sadists proudly describe the pain they’ve inflicted. I would be remiss if I gave the illusion that it was easy for me to work with those who’ve done such reprehensible acts. But time and again, for twenty years, I’ve asked myself: What’s the alternative? I could shame them to make my ego feel better, but I would do nothing to spark real change; in fact, I would likely give them more fuel to warrant hurting others in the future. Throughout my whole career, time and again, I’ve come to the conclusion that meeting anger with more anger doesn’t actually change anything. By leading with compassion, I can meet others wherever they are, connect with their essence, and ignite change from there.

Of course, there are times to defend yourself if you’re in physical danger, and leading with compassion never entails condoning violence, anger, or harm in any way. Being compassionate toward others does not mean eschewing consequences or not following through with setting firm boundaries. But if only your ego is in danger, then the most important question to ask yourself is: Do you want to actually influence others to change? If your answer is yes, then it’s wise to recognize the transformative power of applying compassion. Remember that just as granite’s overlapping minerals give it strength, the overlap among the components in Yield Theory give this approach strength. The “mineral” compassion is comprised of love. Being compassionate entails you seeking to understand, not taking others’ pain personally, and recognizing that people are more than their actions. It also entails the desire to be helpful, supportive, and empowering. In that, the attitude of compassion is disarming.

When you operate from the perspective that the reason people hurt one another is that they are trapped in the darkness of the labyrinth, it becomes easier to see others with compassion. Regardless of whatever has happened, the past is over. It’s unchangeable. But the future is as of yet unwritten. Adding anger or violence to the present only adds to the content of anger and violence in the universe for the future. Just as whatever you put in your mind is in your mind, whatever you say and do is your contribution to the bucket of content that comprises the universe. The world has enough anger in its bucket, and it could benefit greatly from your compassion.

Summary

The Buddha taught us the powerful truth that love and compassion are the keys to overcoming anger and hatred. That truth applies directly to the way you handle anger. With a nonjudgmental perspective of understanding and compassion, you will be able to effectively circumvent others’ defenses and speak to them in ways that can be heard, even in the midst of the most intense anger episodes. Walking past proverbial gargoyles and straight through anger can be scary, but when you lead with the type of oceanic waves of compassion that the Buddha exuded to overcome the anger of the stomping elephant, you can feel confident that your energy will precede you in a way that helps you lessen anger and ultimately transform it. Leading with compassion is more than a mere academic or intellectual exercise: It’s a reliable path through which you can face any anger at any time.