Twenty

On Saturday morning, Spencer comes over to get me. I’ve hardly slept, but that’s okay. I’m tired in that vague way that makes it hard to be too upset or worried about anything and I’m hoping that will work in my favor.

I drop him off at home on the way to the hospital with promises that Sweeney will survive. That I’ll observe speed limits. That no food or drink will cross the threshold of its door. That I’ll get the car washed if we go through any mud.

Surprisingly, it’s easier to drive alone. Without Spencer in the car, without anyone, the only one I have to worry about hurting is myself. I wouldn’t say I’m comfortable, but at least I’m moving.

My appointment at the hospital goes well. There are no words for how happy I am that I’ll only be having biopsies once a month now. I guess it shows because three different nurses comment on how cheerful I seem, and I am, just not only for the reason they think.

I’m not quite as calm driving to Ally’s house. She lives in a really high-end subdivision where each house is different. Some have columns, some have fountains out front. We have a nice house, but these are in a different league altogether. The closer I get, the more anxious I feel. I almost forget that in the middle of the day is a baseball game. That says something on its own.

I’m a little early so I have the luxury of parking down the block from Ally’s house and taking a few minutes to calm down. I do all of the usual deep breathing things, counting backwards from a hundred, running through the batting averages of the players who are going to be starting today, that sort of thing. By the time I finally pull up in her drive I don’t think I look red and sweaty like someone who has just run a marathon, or worse, like someone who had to sit in a borrowed car down the block to calm down.

She must be waiting by the door because she comes running out as soon as I pull up. She’s wearing jeans and a Mustangs T-shirt, the same thing half the people at the game today will be wearing, but there’s no chance of anyone looking as good in them as she does. Lizzie wolf-whistles in my head. I’m eternally grateful that Ally can’t hear her.

Ally smiles wide when she sees me and gets in the car. Without a pause, she leans over and gives me a quick hug that makes all the hair on the back of my neck stand up. She smells like vanilla and sunshine.

“Thanks for picking me up,” she says. “I would have hated to miss this game.”

“Any time.” I mean it as much as someone who hasn’t been able to drive can mean something like that.

I watch as she puts on her seat belt and then I take a deep breath and back the car out of her drive. The trip to Fairview involves a short stint on the freeway that I’m really dreading, but I’m hoping that sitting next to Ally will distract me.

Already, though, my hands are clammy on the wheel and I can feel an all-too-familiar pounding start in my temples in spite of the fact that we’re only doing twenty-five down her street. I’m still worried that I’m not safe to drive with; that what happened with Lizzie will happen again.

My thoughts, not even Lizzie’s, are so loud that I’m not talking to Ally and she’s looking ahead, not talking to me. I’m sure by now she’s figured out that I’m a nutcase and she regrets ever asking me to come get her.

As we turn the corner onto the street that will lead us towards the highway, she says, “Can I ask you for a favor?”

“Sure,” I push out through my clenched teeth.

“I know it sounds funny, but my dad said he might buy me a new car for senior year and I was thinking of getting one of these. A Golf, I mean. I’ve never been behind the wheel of one, though. Do you think Spencer would mind if I were the one to drive us there?”

I pull over and pry my hands off the steering wheel one finger at a time. I know it’s bullshit, and she knows it’s bullshit, but still, she’s throwing me this lifeline and making it look so effortless. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve her being so nice to me.

I say a quick prayer that Spencer won’t kill me, unbuckle the seat belt, and get out. She does the same and then we’ve switched places and are ready to go.

She puts the car into drive and soon we’re calmly heading down the road. I’m surprised to see her turning the opposite way from the freeway. “I promise I’ll give the car back to you after the game, but I thought we’d take the side roads. You know, in case you wanted to come back this way.”

I turn on the radio and find that Spencer left it on my favorite local rock station. Big surprise. He hasn’t missed a trick.

But that gets me thinking. This is all too good, too easy. What the hell am I doing in this car with Ally Martin driving me around like I’m her boyfriend or something? It doesn’t make sense after our silent staring contest. Did Dillard set me up somehow? That idea starts to fester inside me and it only take a few blocks before I’m worried I might be sick if I don’t get some answers. The cold sweat is pouring out of me already.

“Pull over, Ally. Please, can you pull over now?”

She doesn’t hesitate. She swings the car over to the edge of a playground that reminds me far too much of the one at the monastery where Lizzie and I used to hang out.

Once we’ve stopped she gives me a concerned look, like she’s worried I’m going to pass out or die. I’m getting sick of people looking at me like that.

“What is it? Are you sick? Are you okay?”

“I’m … yeah, I think so. Okay, I mean,” I say, and I realize that the feeling like I’m going to puke all over the car has subsided and I can mostly breathe again. “Ally, what’s this all about?”

“This?”

“You and me. Why are we here? I know your car is in the shop and all, but there are a million people you could have asked for a ride today and any of the guys would have jumped at the chance. You know that Dillard would have loved to drive you.” I throw the joke in hoping that the rest of what I’m saying doesn’t come across as too freaky.

“I’ll pretend that you don’t sound like you’re regretting being here with me,” she says and unbuckles her seat belt.

“Shit, I’m sorry. That wasn’t what I meant.”

“I know.” She smiles again and my stomach lurches, but not in a bad way. “Come on.” She gets out of the car and I’ve got no choice but to follow. She starts to head for the swings, but I just can’t do it. It reminds me too much of Lizzie. I grab Ally’s hand and lead her over to the old metal merry-go-round. We sit down, both in the same space so that we aren’t separated by one of the metal bars. I focus on the trees overhead rather than the fact that I’m actually holding hands with this girl because I know the sheer reality of it would freak me out, but she hasn’t let go and I don’t want to.

We sit there like that for a minute, both of us looking around the surprisingly empty playground, before she starts talking.

“You know, ever since I transferred to Maple Grove you’ve been watching me,” she says.

I feel my face go red and wonder if the next words out of her mouth will include the words “restraining order.”

She holds up her other hand to keep me from saying anything. “I know that you’ve been watching me because I’ve been watching you too. But what I never understood is why you’ve never ever, in over a year, come over to talk to me.”

“Ally, I … ” Abject terror somehow isn’t going to be a valid explanation and beyond that I have nothing more rational to offer without spilling all of Lizzie’s secrets. Thankfully, she put her hand on my arm and stops me.

“I know I’m guilty too.” She looks at me shyly through her dark lashes. “I mean, I wanted to talk to you, but I just heard so much about ‘Cal Ryan baseball star.’ My dad never stops talking about you. Plus … ” She stops and all of a sudden she isn’t looking at me. “I heard all the rumors. You know … about the three of you.”

I’ll bet she did.

I can tell from her expression that she didn’t want to cop to it, but I sigh because it makes my stomach sort of twist to think of her hearing those things.

“Did you believe them?” My voice comes out a little shaky. The last thing I really want to do is to have to discuss each of the rumors with her, dissecting my life like a lab rat.

To her credit, she looks right at me and gives me what is probably the most honest answer she could have. “I don’t know. I mean, I guess I didn’t know what to believe. I just heard them whenever your name came up.” She puts her other hand on top of mine and brings it to sit on her raised knees. “And Spencer and Lizzie … ”

“What?”

“They kind of scared me,” she admits. It’s so strange because the Ally that lives in my head isn’t afraid of anything or anyone. I guess I didn’t know as much about her as I thought.

“Why?”

“Well, Spencer is just Spencer. I mean, I keep waiting for him to turn out to be a jerk or something. Can anyone really be that nice?”

Her question breaks the tension a little and makes me laugh.

“Yeah, he’s an alien, don’t worry about it.”

She nods like she’s really contemplating that Spencer might be from another planet.

“I’m kidding,” I say, squeezing her hand. “He’s just a really good guy. We’ve been friends almost as long as I can remember.”

“Cool,” she says like she’s letting out a breath. “And Lizzie. She seemed like she didn’t really care what anyone thought. And the three of you looked like you never needed anyone else. Like you were this complete package. So I figured … you know … maybe you just weren’t interested.”

I think I would have liked her, Cal. Don’t fuck this up.

The combination of Ally’s and Lizzie’s words make my head spin a little. They’re both just … right.

“Yeah,” I say to say something. Even though all of the rumors weren’t true, Ally isn’t really wrong about us. What she didn’t know was that, ever since she came to Maple Grove, there had been three compartments to my life: baseball, my best friends Spencer and Lizzie, and this space where I wanted her to be. I open my mouth to tell her, but she keeps talking.

“Then, I joined drama club this semester and got to know Spencer a little bit, and you and I got thrown together on the team, and … ” She squeezes my hand, really hard. “Spencer and I started talking one day … ” She winces and a guilty look crosses her face as she tugs on her sleeve. I’m worried that whatever she’s about to say is going to ruin this wonderful thing that hasn’t even had a chance to get started. “I asked him about you.”

“Why?” I ask, shocked.

She looks exasperated for the first time. “You really don’t get it, do you? I’ve been to your games. I’ve been waiting for you to talk to me, but you never did. You were watching me every time I looked over. Every single time for over a year.”

Ha! Told you!

I suddenly feel like a total idiot. All of those nights that I’d spent in my room alone dreaming of this girl before I even knew that she’s as great as she is and she was sitting in her own room wondering why I was being such a dork. All those times that Lizzie said that I should talk to her and I didn’t listen because it was Lizzie and I wasn’t ever totally sure what her motivation was, I was dropping the ball. All that wasted time and it’s one more thing that’s all my fault.

I kick off the merry-go-round until we’re spinning around slowly. I try to watch the trees go by, the street, the rest of the playground, but I can’t keep myself from looking into Ally’s gray eyes. I want to respond, to apologize, to do something, but I’m in over my head and so I grasp at something completely different. Something that is suddenly crystal clear. This was a set-up, but it had nothing to do with Justin Dillard
at all.

“What did Spencer tell you? He told you that I was having problems driving, didn’t he? This is all his doing.”

She grabs my hand again and links our fingers together and smiles like she’s proud of herself. “It wasn’t total bullshit. I did need a ride. And Spencer thought it would solve both problems. It would get you behind the wheel and it would force you to have a real conversation with me.”

Well, that explains why he was willing to let me drive his precious car. A slow blush creeps up her face and while I’m processing the fact that my best friend was behind this whole thing she says, “He told me other things too.”

Crap. I can’t believe there’s more. “Like what?” I try to imagine Ally and Spencer sitting in a room talking about me and what he might have told her, but I come up short. And I don’t want to get it wrong. I don’t want to tell her something that she won’t like, that will ruin this magic.

“Well, for instance, he said that you like things to be planned in advance.”

I relax a little at this because it’s true and I find it interesting that, out of everything, that’s what Spencer thought was so important.

“Yeah,” I admit. “I’m not really big on surprises.”

She nods and folds her arms. There’s something practical and businesslike in her gesture. “Fine. Just so you know. After the game, when we get back, I’m planning to kiss you. I wanted you to know that. I mean, if that’s okay with you.”

For a minute I assume she’s joking. I mean, how often does it happen that reality is better than what you dream about? But no, her face is deadly serious. And there’s something flickering within me, something pushing me forward, perhaps it’s Lizzie, perhaps it’s years of pent-up desire. Whatever it is, I give in to it because I’ve spent enough time being an idiot for one lifetime.

I swing for the fences and lean in to kiss her.

As good as it was to kiss her in my dreams, this is in another league altogether. Time stops. The entire world holds its breath and there isn’t a single sensible thought going through my head and for once, I don’t care.

Somewhere under all of that, I can’t help but think about the only kiss I can compare this to, the one with Spencer. But I push that thought out of my head with everything I have as soon as I realize it’s there.

When we come up for air, she says “wow” and smiles. “I’d say that was worth waiting for. I really don’t want to wait another year for the next one, though.”

I put my arm around her. I know it won’t last after we get in the car and leave, but for this one moment in time, I feel like there are no rules, no barriers between us. “I’m sorry, Ally,” I say because I’m not sure what else I can give her in way of explanation.

She pulls back and for a second I see the hurt in her eyes. “For kissing me?”

“No, damn, no. I’m definitely not sorry for that.” I watch her face relax. “I just, I don’t know how to explain it to you. It wasn’t you. It was never you. I was just scared, and Spencer and I were spending so much time trying to keep Lizzie together and … ” I shrug. “I don’t really have an excuse. Other than that I’m an idiot.”

She leans in and holds my eyes with hers, like she’s trying to make a decision. Then she runs her hand through my hair, sending shivers all the way through me before kissing me on the lips as gentle as feather. “Yeah, you are. But I think I might give you the chance to redeem yourself.”

Her words and the kiss make me dizzy and I have to lean back against the metal bar to steady myself. What I’m feeling reminds me of when I hit the grand slam to win the series last year. It was the home run that cemented my place on the varsity team and I thought that was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

But something about this moment feels better. And I may not understand why it’s happening, but she’s right that I’m not dumb enough to make the same mistake twice so I’m not questioning anything.

Instead, I tell her what Dr. Reynolds told me about how hitting a home run in the ninth inning is just as good, and sometimes better, than doing it earlier so long as you win in the end.

She laughs again. “That’s a low blow using a baseball analogy. I’m not sure I can be mad at you for not talking to me sooner if you’re going to do that.”

“Good,” I say and close my eyes. I feel the craziest mix of emotions: mine, which basically boil down to amazement, layered on top of Lizzie’s, who is gloating like nobody’s business.

For a minute I panic and wonder if maybe I’m making this all up. Maybe my screwed-up head has taken things to a new level.

But then I open my eyes again and feel her hand, gentle as her kiss, barely touching the fabric of my shirt right over my scar.

“Are you okay?” she asks and I don’t know if she means right now at this moment or in a bigger way.

I look up into her eyes. It’s an amazing thing to look at her and not feel like I have to look away before I get caught.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I put my hand over hers and press it gently over where my scar is. It feels like she’s knitting things together, which I know isn’t true, but we’re this circuit of energy in that moment: me, and Ally, and Lizzie. I feel like I could run a marathon, but don’t want to move a muscle.

“Does it hurt?” she asks softly.

I pull her hand down and wrap my other one around it. “The scar is sore, but other than that … ” I almost tell her about Lizzie, but stop myself. Forgiving me for staring at her is one thing; telling her that Lizzie is somehow still calling some of the shots is something I’m not ready to risk. “I don’t think anything could hurt me right now.”

She smiles and I wonder if it will always be so easy to make her smile. She leans over and her lips brush my cheek. “I hate to do this, but I think we’re going to be late to the game.”

I look at my watch and realize she’s right. “How fast can you drive?” I ask.

“Fast enough.” She smiles and pulls both of us off the merry-go-round and back towards the car, where she gets into the driver’s seat without even asking.

Ally wasn’t lying. She gets us to the field in plenty of time without breaking too many laws along the way. Coach Byrne gives me a funny look as Ally and I walk up together. Not a bad one, just one that says he knows something he didn’t know before.

I take my place at his side while Ally climbs up the stairs to the concrete bunker behind home plate where she’ll watch the game alongside Fairview’s scorekeeper. I turn and realize that Coach is staring at me with a smirk on his face.

“Who’s starting at first?” I ask, preoccupied.

Coach laughs. “Good, Ryan. Wasn’t sure you remembered we were playing baseball today.” He glances appreciatively at the bunker where somewhere inside Ally is setting up for the game. My face goes seven shades of red as he claps me on the back and laughs.