Once safely inside her unit, Lexie carried out her routine security check, this time with increased urgency. Once satisfied she was alone, that nothing had been disturbed and everything was locked, she stepped out into the darkness of her tiny balcony and peered out, over the tops of dimly lit houses, towards the beach she could hear rather than see.
The waves in the distance crashed against the shore. She breathed in the refreshing smell of salt water as the sea breeze brushed across her skin and tangled her hair. Normally Lexie loved the sounds and smells of the ocean. The beachside community below her balcony gave her a sense of of belonging, even if the connection from a distance was as close as she got to being neighbourly. Yet tonight, while she waited for the usual sense of calm to wash over her, Lexie found herself scanning the shadows and monitoring parked cars for movement inside. She couldn’t stop wondering if somebody was watching her. Though if they were, she would probably never know it; unless of course they decided to make themselves known.
An involuntary shiver raced along her skin and she came inside, locking the sliding glass doors behind her. Stripping off her clothes, she threw them into the laundry basket and placed her gun in her handbag as she made her way to the bathroom. The hot water felt like needles against her skin as she tried to scrub herself numb. She was exhausted. Not just from lack of sleep. She was also feeling sorry for herself, which made Lexie really angry. Sometimes she felt anger was the only thing that made her feel alive, that kept her going.
She was furious with Amitt Vincent for making her a victim, making her live in constant fear. She was livid with her brother for dying; her ex-husband for cheating on her; her parents for giving up. Lexie hated feeling powerless to stop her nightmares from taking over her life. She was over trying to control her future, her emotions. She was sick of trying to prove to herself and everyone else she could cope.
Stop being pathetic.
Realising she was trembling from the inside out, Lexie took a deep breath and reasoned with herself. What she needed to do was embrace her anger. Use it to her advantage, become empowered by it and allow it to make her strong.
The water started to turn cold, the spray sending goose bumps along her skin. Lexie got out and dried herself. She threw on white cotton drawstring pants, a black singlet top and twisted her hair into a messy bun at the back of her head. She craved a drink to calm her nerves and dispel the sense of dread that seemed to pervade each corner of her apartment. Giving in to that craving, she padded across the cool floorboards into her small but tidy kitchen. Plucking a bottle of wine from the fridge and a glass from her cupboard, she carried them into the lounge room.
The unit was hot from being closed up all day and she wondered if she should re-open the balcony doors to let in the sea breeze.
It’s okay, you’re on the first floor. No one other than Spiderman can scale the brick wall, climb onto the balcony and attack you.
She opened the doors and then perched on the edge of the sofa. After pouring the wine she realised she was hungry, having missed out on the pizza at the pub. She ordered some Thai for dinner, making sure she got enough to last her tomorrow night as well. She would have no time to shop, so it looked as though she’d be living on takeaway for the next few days.
There was a knock on the door.
Lexie jumped, almost spilling her wine down the front of her top. Instantly alert, she grabbed her handbag. Quickly reaching inside, she gripped the butt of the revolver.
‘Who is it?’ she called out through the wooden door. She really should install a peephole, she thought.
‘It’s me, Lexie. It’s Josh.’
Oh great!
She let go of the gun, pushed it to the bottom of her bag and kicked it behind the door as she opened it.
Josh stared at her.
‘Can I come in?’ he asked, hesitantly.
Just looking at him made that lonely, empty hole Lexie had noticed inside herself lately, expand and take shape. A feeling of sadness engulfed her and threatened to smother her in its irrational intensity. She reminded herself to stay angry.
‘Can I come in, Lexie?’ Josh asked again. ‘I’d like to explain.’
She looked around as if searching for an escape and then, unable to find any logical reason to deny him entry, stood aside and let him in.
‘Nice place,’ he said glancing around the living area. ‘I like the way you’ve done it up, the Indonesian feel.’
‘Thanks.’
Her voice was cold.
He turned to face her. ‘You left without saying goodbye.’
She stared at him, willing her heart to stop racing.
‘Is that why you found out where I live and came to see me; because I didn’t say goodbye to you? Maybe I didn’t say goodbye because you were otherwise occupied with your girlfriend.’
Lexie tried but failed to keep the accusation out of her voice.
Josh shook his head and glanced at the floor.
‘She is not my girlfriend, Lexie, and I’m guessing you saw her kiss me. I didn’t kiss her back.’
‘You don’t have to justify anything to me, Josh,’ Lexie began to protest.
She wanted to stay angry. She was still angry but what was the point in pretending she didn’t care? Who was she fooling? Certainly not herself.
‘I’d still like to explain,’ Josh said.
Lexie gestured for him to take a seat on the lounge and he sat down stiffly. She took the lounge opposite. Reaching for her drink on the coffee table, she took a tentative sip, hoping it would calm the churning in her stomach.
When she noticed Josh staring at the glass of wine, she suddenly remembered her manners.
‘Would you like one?’
‘That would be great,’ he said, waiting for her to return from the kitchen with a glass.
Lexie poured the wine and watched Josh gulp greedily. It was the first time she had seen him look anything less than confident and she found this uncertain Josh Harrison a bit disconcerting. Her own vulnerability was already a tremendous liability – she couldn’t handle his as well.
Josh began. ‘Look, Lexie, I’m not good at this . . .’
He focused his gaze out through the balcony doors and into the darkness outside.
‘That girl you saw me talking to was never my girlfriend. We had a casual . . . fling, I guess you could call it. She thought it was more than what it was. I froze when she kissed me. She took me by surprise.’
Was that the best he could do? Josh was right. He wasn’t good at this.
He glanced at Lexie momentarily before returning his gaze to the darkness outside. It seemed he was unable to meet her eyes.
‘I can talk bullshit to any crook on the street, that’s what I’m good at. But when it comes to talking about anything personal, anything to do with feelings, emotions, I’m hopeless.’
He took another big gulp of wine.
‘I suppose you could say I’m an expert at rebuffing intimacy. I’m thirty-one and I haven’t had a serious relationship since my ex-girlfriend dumped me in the middle of Italy almost ten years ago.’
‘Is that why you apologised for kissing me? I thought you must have been feeling guilty, but if she wasn’t your girlfriend and that wasn’t the case, why did you regret it? Did you think I’d expect a relationship from one kiss?’
Josh let out a strange laugh.
‘Not at all. I don’t regret kissing you for one moment. I got the impression that’s what you wanted – to forget about it.’
He seemed to wait for her to speak. When she didn’t, he continued.
‘You know what us hard-nosed detectives are like with displays of emotion.’
He gave her a sheepish grin as though embarrassed he’d given too much away.
The anger she was trying hard to hold on to started to evaporate. The hole in Lexie’s heart began to mend a fraction. She forced herself to breathe as she sipped on her wine and studied Josh, who was draining the remnants of his glass.
He was remarkably handsome with classic features; strong jaw, sensuous lips, dark hair against olive skin. But it was more than just his looks she found so attractive. It was more than those piercing green eyes that made her go weak at the knees. It was the way he looked at her, as though she were the only person in the world; as if he could see clear into her very soul. She felt that if he were to go away she would never feel alive again. He made her want to feel whole again. As much as this realisation astounded and delighted her, it also terrified her, to her very core.
‘Lexie, you seem incredibly strong and independent. All the women in my family are quite the opposite. I hate to admit it but I think your strength intimidates me a bit.’
‘Is that why you hardly spoke to me until we were forced to work together? I was actually thinking you didn’t like me.’
Josh rolled his eyes at her.
‘Yeah, right. I know I can be stand-offish at the best of times but the main reason I kept my distance was because you seemed so confident and self-assured. Besides, from the moment you walked into the office you were swarmed. It was like bees to a honeypot. I didn’t want you thinking I was just another fool falling all over themselves to get your attention.’
‘It hadn’t even crossed my mind. But let me say, you seem pretty cool and self-assured yourself.’
Josh shrugged, seemingly not knowing what else to say.
‘I suppose we all have our little roles we play,’ Lexie said after a pause, playing with the stem of her glass.
‘I’m not playing any role right now. This is really hard for me, talking like this, and I can assure you I’ve never done this before. It’s very . . . personal.’
Lexie felt the last remnants of anger towards Josh disappear from her body. In its place was a new feeling.
‘You think this is personal?’ she asked, refilling their wine glasses.
Josh stared at her. ‘Don’t you?’
Lexie smiled sweetly at him.
‘Well, since we’re talking personal, I have a question for you . . . I want to know what happened with Burgh. I want to know why you hate him so much.’