Sunday afternoon

Sam saw Jeff’s car as it pulled into the driveway, because she’d been looking out since four, even though Jeff had said he would have the kids home between four-thirty and five. She’d made their favourites for dinner – potato casserole and chicken schnitzels, which was way too much fat and starch for one meal. But it wouldn’t hurt this once. The house was cleaned from top to bottom. Washing and ironing was all done and put away, school lunches made, labelled and packed in the freezer. It would leave a bit of a hole in her schedule for the week, but she’d had to keep busy. She had made it through Saturday with no ill effects from the medication, but she’d slept badly last night, and all day the nausea had come in waves. Sam found if she stopped to rest, her mind wandered to why she had to take the damned pills in the first place. Or worse, the kids there at Jeff’s place, the faceless figure of Jodi cooking them dinner, reading Ellie a story, listening to CDs with Jess, laughing with Josh . . .

Sam walked to the front door and opened it wide. Jeff was helping Ellie out of the car while the older two got their bags from the boot.

‘Hi,’ she called.

‘Hi there,’ Jeff returned.

Josh sauntered across the lawn towards her, carrying his backpack and skateboard.

‘Hi mate, did you have a good time?’ Sam asked brightly.

He grunted in what she postulated was a reasonably positive manner.

‘Bye Josh,’ Jeff called.

Josh made another noise as he walked into the house. Jeff didn’t try to stop him or admonish him. That was progress.

Ellie ran over to her mother. ‘Hi Mummy, I missed you.’

Sam picked her up, hugging her tight. ‘Not as much as I missed you!’

Jeff was helping Jessica carry an assortment of bags and paraphernalia into the entry.

‘My God Jess, what on earth did you take with you? You were only going for a weekend.’

‘I didn’t know what I’d need. I’ve never been there before,’ she defended.

‘It’s okay,’ said Jeff good-naturedly, ruffling her hair.

Alright for him, but Sam knew that all the clothes would be dumped in the laundry hamper whether Jess had worn them or not.

‘Did you tape my show?’ asked Jess breathlessly.

‘Of course. How about a “Hi Mum, how are you, nice to see you”?’

‘Hi Mum,’ she groaned, but she was smiling, not rolling her eyes for a change. She kissed Sam on the cheek and then turned to her father. ‘Bye Daddy.’

Jeff hugged her. ‘I’ll talk to you through the week, sweetheart.’

He kissed Ellie goodbye and both the girls skittered off inside.

‘It went well,’ Jeff said when they were alone. He looked quite pleased with himself. Sam felt like slapping him. ‘I think they had fun. Even Josh.’

So now he thought he was Father of the Year.

‘How was your weekend?’

‘Oh, the usual – cleaning, cooking, washing.’ That was as much as she was ever going to tell him.

‘You should have had a break.’

‘Sure,’ Sam scoffed. ‘Leave it all to the maid, eh?’

He shook his head. ‘I just think you overdo it sometimes. You need to learn to relax. Everything doesn’t have to be so . . . perfect.’

So, she was too perfect? She wished her mother could have heard that. Slapping him was too good. Patronising bastard.

‘Well, real life beckons,’ Sam said breezily. ‘I’d best go in.’

He nodded. ‘See you.’

She walked inside and closed the door, not waiting to watch him drive away.

‘Mum, you should have seen it, it was amazing!’ Jessica had not stopped talking about Bondi throughout dinner. ‘It’s like, exactly like it is in Beachside!’

‘That’s because it is the place in Beachside, you moron,’ said Josh.

‘What would you know?’

‘More than you do, retard.’

‘Now you two,’ Sam interrupted. ‘I hope you weren’t bickering like this at your father’s. What would Jodi think?’ She was desperate to get information about Jodi without seeming, well, desperate. Just how young was she? Was she tall, taller than Sam? More than likely. Was she blonde, blue-eyed, reed slim and wrinkle-free? Was she everything that Sam was not? Or everything that Sam had once been? She took a deep breath, composing herself. ‘I’m sure she’s too young to have had much to do with kids your age.’

‘She’s not young, Mum. She’s old.’

Sam knew that didn’t mean anything. Anyone over eighteen was old to Jessica.

‘Jess was saying you had to sleep out in the living room, Josh. Did that bother you?’

He shrugged. ‘Nuh. There’s a good skate bowl up the road. And Dad said he’ll get his old boards from Grandma’s and we can go surfing next time.’

Well, there you go, thought Sam as she got up to clear the table. It had all turned out alright. So why did she feel hollow? Did she want the kids to have a bad time? What kind of a mother would that make her? But she wondered if it was alright to hope that they would prefer to be with her?

‘Mummy?’

Sam had just finished reading to Ellie and was smoothing out her quilt, tucking the sheet in tightly, just the way she liked it.

‘Mm?’

‘I don’t like Jodi.’

‘Oh?’ She tried to suppress the bubble of glee that rose up in her chest, berating herself for being so childish. She sat down on the bed. ‘Why not?’

Ellie thought about it for a moment. ‘Well, she’s doesn’t smell like you, Mummy.’

‘People don’t all smell the same. You just have to get used to her.’

‘And she didn’t tuck me in. Daddy had to do it.’

Sam smiled. ‘Daddy probably wanted to do it.’

‘But he doesn’t never tuck me in.’

‘Some things are going to change, Ellie. When you visit Daddy he’ll probably do a lot of things he didn’t do before, because I’m not there to do them.’ Was she making sense? ‘He is your daddy after all, but she’s not your mother.’ There, that was clearer.

‘Is that all that bothered you?’ Sam couldn’t help asking.

Ellie screwed up her face, thinking. ‘Mm, she’s got hair under her arms. Like mens do.’

There was a concept. ‘Ladies grow hair under their arms, too.’

‘You don’t. You’re smooth.’

‘Because I shave.’

Ellie’s eyes widened. ‘Why do you do that?’

‘So that I’ll be smooth.’

‘Why doesn’t Jodi shave then?’

Because she’s probably a sprout-eating, hippie feminazi. ‘Ladies don’t have to shave, Ellie, if they don’t want to.’

Ellie pulled a face. ‘It’s yucky.’

‘It’s not yucky,’ Sam chided gently. ‘It’s . . . natural.’ She leaned down to kiss her. ‘And it’s time for sleep. See you in the morning.’

Sam walked to the door, turning back to look at her daughter before switching off the light.

‘Mummy?’

‘Yes sweetheart?’

‘I like being with Daddy.’ She paused. ‘But I like it here more, with you. Is that alright?’

Sam felt a welling in her chest. ‘Of course, it’s perfectly alright.’