Dear Rudy,
Have you ever been embarrassed? I can’t remember a time when I think you would have been, even when you ripped your pants at the basketball court that time and those girls saw your bum. You laughed harder than anyone, and it was real, not the fake kind I do when really I want to rip my guts out with humiliation. I guess what I’m trying to figure out is whether I’m living an embarrassing life, or I just feel those feelings more than other people, like my threshold for shame is lower or something. Writing it down like that doesn’t really make sense, so I’ll just tell you what happened today.
At lunchtime Pointy Kathy and Dee and Jessica Rabbit were talking about Schoolies—as if there is anything else they can talk about these days. They were listing the drinks they were going to bring, like vodka and tequila and Bacardi.
‘And milk,’ I said, speaking for probably the first time all lunch hour.
Dee looked at me like I had shit on my face. She mouthed ‘WTF’, and she laughed a different laugh to her normal one. It was meaner.
I hesitated, then explained. ‘I mean for cereal… In the mornings.’
That didn’t make things better. Dee and Pointy Kathy started cackling and Jessica Rabbit sneered. Dee used the voice she usually reserves for people she doesn’t like. ‘Okay, well, you can bring milk like a weirdo and we’ll bring drinks that will actually do something.’
They were talking specifically about alcohol, even though no one said that. I still don’t really know what was wrong with suggesting milk, because we WILL need it, but my stomach has been churning since that conversation and I feel worse than I would if a basketball court of hot guys had seen my bum. Sometimes Dee is my biggest advocate, and sometimes I feel like she’d break up with me if there were such a thing for friends. Usually it’s when other girls are around. I wish it could be just Dee and me in the apartment at Schoolies, because I’m starting to imagine what might happen if I say the wrong thing or buy the wrong drink and make a mess of the whole week.
Your friendship dynamic at school was different, Rudy. It seemed easier. Maybe that’s a boy thing, or a personality thing, or a not-autistic thing. It’s hard to say. You and Tom and Damo and Matt all seemed to like each other a lot, but you also liked giving each other crap. Everyone was on board with that, though, and no one got more crap than the others. I kind of feel like I get most of the crap. Maybe I should tease Dee more often, but teasing always feels mean and not like a lot of fun to me.
I saw Tom today, by the way, after school, in town while I was buying shampoo and earplugs. They didn’t have the little white ones that come in the yellow container that I like, which was a shame. He was walking past the chemist and he saw me and came in to say hi. He was asking about you, and asking about how I’m going. He seemed pretty sad. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I’m just saying how it was. His skin was grey and he’s shaved his head. He looks like a prisoner. He said he might call over soon to see Mum and Ollie and to look for a flash drive he thinks he lent you ages ago. Maybe you should get in touch with him, even if you don’t seem to want to be in touch with me.
I don’t know, I’d probably be mad if you did that. Maybe you should get in touch with everyone, all on the same day. Think about it.
Love, Erin