Dear Rudy,
We went to the movies tonight, as a family but not quite a whole family obviously, because you weren’t there. It was weird, but also kind of nice.
Here’s what didn’t happen: we didn’t run late because you took too long getting ready, picking out the perfect combination of very old clothes to sit in a cinema with the lights off. Dad and Mum didn’t have a fight because she defended you and he wanted you to ‘get your act together’. Ollie didn’t make a big announcement about wanting to sit next to you and end up sitting on your lap. We didn’t get ice cream and walk along the waterfront afterwards like we did when you insisted on taking some time to look at the full moon.
Here’s what did happen: we arrived ten minutes early and hung around in the foyer not really talking to each other. Mum and Dad held hands. Ollie made a big announcement about sitting next to me and ended up, well, sitting next to me. We went straight home afterwards and everyone went into their own rooms.
We saw the new Marvel one, because Mum said Ollie could pick and of course that’s what he picked because he is obsessed with the Hulk still. I can’t remember what we even saw the last time we all went to the movies together, can you? Maybe it was around the time things were sad for you and hard for me and Mum and Dad were not getting along and Oliver was wetting the bed. I don’t think we’ve been since. We saw The Last Jedi which was very cool. Much cooler than the Marvel one we saw tonight, and not just because you were there, so don’t get a big head about that, okay.
I was wondering today if things ever really got better for you after that, or if you just got better at hiding them. It seemed like they did, and maybe time is giving me too much perspective. I know I’m not supposed to think that has anything to do with…you know, but it’s hard when we just don’t know. Mum and Dad probably know more than I do, and I definitely know a lot more than Ollie, but it’s not a competition so I guess it doesn’t really matter. My brain just likes things to be a certain way, so that I can trace over the lines when I need to and know how things are. I don’t know where the lines go for this, so I’m trying out all the different ways they could go so I can convince myself one is right. It was just a bit sad tonight, Rudy, even though we all got to share a large popcorn. I hope you make it to our next movie night. Your pick, I promise.
Love, Erin