Dear Rudy,
Saying sorry is hard. You always made it look easy. Mum seemed to come away from your apologies liking you more than if you hadn’t done the bad thing in the first place. I could never pull that off. I think it’s a charisma thing, and it helped you were always genuinely sorry, too.
Today some people had exams, but I didn’t have any. I went in for study block and Dee stayed home so I didn’t get a chance to talk to her and say sorry. Jessica Rabbit and Pointy Kathy acted as though I was invisible, and I mean really invisible. They said things like, ‘Did you hear something?’ when I talked and wouldn’t look at me. In the end I went to the library for the second half of lunch and studied. It was a bad day, and I didn’t have anyone to bring me donuts. My cringe list turned into more of a total cringe feeling today, because everything that happened was cringeworthy. I’m stuck in that feeling. I usually only have it for an hour or two at night, where all the bad things wash over me. But this is like a cringe skin that I wear and people think it’s my normal skin.
And it turns out Vicky Rabbit phoned Mum to convey her displeasure with my ‘unacceptable behaviour’ on the trip, which was not a great thing to come home to. I thought Mum would take my side at least a little bit, but apparently not. She hates the word I used more than she hates her daughter being left in a garden bed in the dark for two hours. She asked me to apologise to the girls in person and write an apology note to Vicky before dinner. I don’t think it was the kind of request I had a choice about. The thing is I really am sorry. I am angry with myself for using that word, and with anyone who jumps so quickly to label girls sluts. Wanting to hurt people is not good, and it feels like maybe I’m not as good a person as I’d like to believe either. The things my brain says about me to myself all feel true. I am a bad person.
I shouldn’t have bought into what I hate so much about the guys at school when they are telling stories of their weekend conquests. They always use that word, when in reality there were two people involved in the interaction. Why does one get labelled a slut and the other get high-fived? I’ve listened to conversations about which girl has an STI, who has slept with more than ten people, who has lost their V card. There is never an equivalent rumour about a guy. A guy who has slept around never seems to have trouble finding a girlfriend when they want to go steady, but for a girl labelled slut it’s a different story. And these were the same guys who would call girls ‘cock tease’ and ‘frigid’ for not sleeping with them. Now I have joined them in judging girls, and that’s the worst part.
Here’s my rough draft.
Dear Vicky,
I am sorry I called Jessica and her friends sluts. It was an awful thing to say. In this day and age women should be free to sleep with whoever they want, whenever they want, and receive nothing more than a high-five, in the way males do from their mates when they ‘score’. Girls are complicated, fully formed human beings who deserve better than I gave. It was sexist of me to use a slur aimed at devaluing the female gender. Also, thank you for a great weekend.
Regards,
Erin
Luckily enough I got on a roll writing the letter and had it done before the shepherd’s pie was on the table. Mum said she would post it, so I hope Dee and I will be on talking terms before Schoolies. Otherwise sharing a room will be awkward. Unfortunately saying sorry for something is not the same as not having done the thing in the first place, as Dr Lim went to such trouble to explain (as much as I wish it were). Mum said she hoped Vicky would still talk to her at pilates class.
Oliver and Dad were eating in silence, and they were very focused on what was on their plates. I think Dad didn’t like thinking about girls my age having sex, because that would make him think about me having sex, and he would prefer me to be eight forever. Ollie doesn’t really understand, he just doesn’t like it when the air is tense at the dinner table. It was tense tonight. I’m trying to be better at being in those feelings, and so here I am. I’m in them.
Goodnight, Rudy.
Love, Erin