Dear Rudy,
I was worried Dee might use the whole slut incident as a ‘get out of jail free’ card to end our friendship, so I got Mum to drive me around to her house tonight after dinner. We stopped at the shops on the way so I could buy a few things. I sometimes think I don’t give Dee many reasons to be my friend, not really. I am quiet and heavy where she is loud and light and lots of fun. I think she’d like a loud, light, fun best friend more than someone like me. I wish I could be softer, and warmer and more affectionate. I feel all those soft, warm, affectionate feelings but instead of gifting them to those who deserve them the most, like Dee, I squirrel them away for myself as comfort. I think the things I should be saying, and say the things I should keep as thoughts.
When I got to Dee’s house no one answered the door so I had to leave my sorry present for Dee on the front lawn. I had hoped to give it to her in person, and ask her how her day was. When I’m having a bad day, or recovering from an outburst, Dee brings me donuts because I like donuts and they make me feel better. Dee likes donuts too, but they are not her favourite and she doesn’t want to eat them when she is having a bad day. What she does eat when she’s sad, like the time her dog had to be put down, or when she broke up with her boyfriend but really wanted him to stop her and win her back, is Top Deck chocolate. It’s the chocolate block with the white chocolate on top and the milk chocolate at the bottom.
I decided I should give her as much Top Deck chocolate as she has given me donuts since my diagnosis when I was twelve. I figured one block of top deck was probably worth five donuts, and I think Dee has probably brought me 300 donuts in the past five years, so I bought sixty blocks of Top Deck. The shop owner had to go out the back to get more, but he also gave me a discount because I was buying so much. It cost $240 out of my Schoolies savings, but if it means Dee will forgive me I don’t care.
I arranged the blocks to spell out SORRY outside Dee’s bedroom window. I was a bit worried her parents would be mad that someone had littered their front lawn, but then I figured Dee would know it was from me and chocolate isn’t really litter anyway, it’s a treat. I tucked the card I had bought for her under the block of Top Deck at the start of the letter S. The card had a picture of a cat wearing sunglasses, because Dee likes that kind of thing and inside I wrote ‘How was your day?’ because I know I sometimes forget to ask her how her day was and she is always happy when I remember.
Mum didn’t seem to mind that I spent $240 on chocolate and that I sort of littered someone’s lawn with treats, because she knows I need Dee to forgive me. She patted my arm when I got back into the car, and didn’t annoy me with questions on the drive home. I was worried maybe Dee wouldn’t be coming to school tomorrow, and wouldn’t find the chocolate until midday when it was melted, but when I was lying in bed going over my cringe list that is more of a cringe skin these days, I got a text from her. It just said: ‘Lucky formal is over.’ I think the fact that she texted me, and made a joke about getting fat, is a good sign. I’m keeping my eyes peeled for more good signs.
If you’ve got any say in that kind of thing wherever you are, please pull some strings for me, would you?
Love, Erin