Nokomis is right, I should call Mom and let her know I am okay. I don’t know if I’m ready yet. How can I explain that I don’t think I’m even the same person who got on that bus two days ago? I will call Mom in the morning to let her know I’m okay. And she can let Josh and the girls know for now.
The stories of Nokomis and Mishomis are so sweet and romantic. But do they ever show how fast they had to grow up. I can’t imagine having four kids by the age of twenty-five. That would be like me and Josh having four kids in the next seven years.
I’m having a hard enough time looking after myself. It’s like every day I feel a little bit different. Sometimes it’s like I’m outside of myself looking in. But I can see that my thoughts don’t always match my feelings, if that makes any sense at all.
I know in my mind that everyone is trying to do the best they can. They are all trying to make the right decisions for me. But then I wonder why I can’t make decisions for myself.
My mom talks about leaving our home. Josh talks about school in the fall. Nokomis talks about when she was younger. I feel like they all have their lives all figured out. I don’t have a clue who I am or what I am doing.
Hopping on the bus was an impulse. It wasn’t really a well-thought-out move. I feel like if I just knew who I was, I could figure all this out so much more easily. It’s like I don’t really know who I am. Am I a farm girl? Not anymore! Am I a high school student? Not anymore!
Who am I? What am I doing here in Winnipeg when I don’t even have a home in Ontario anymore?