What have I done?! I don’t know. And I can’t even guess at what it means. I don’t think anyone is hurt by this, right? I think I just made a ton of people upset. I can’t believe the pics would spread that fast.
Dad might be right. I guess I am sheltered and naive. Is life here always this dangerous? Does every single teenager live like this? It can’t be true. It just can’t be. Maybe I’ll find out more when I go to the sharing circle on Saturday. I hope they will listen. I hope they can help me.
Why didn’t Dad say anything about how dangerous it was until it was too late? He was fine with letting me go off with Russell. At that party I saw guys wearing red bandanas. They must have been gang members. It’s all very well to call me naive now, but why didn’t Dad try to keep me out of trouble? And I have the feeling that his idea of waiting this out might not be the best way to deal with it.
For the first time since I got here, I feel like I really need my mom. Dad and Noki are awesome, but I’m starting to feel really sad and really scared. So much has happened in the last six weeks. Things have been going so fast. I feel kind of lost, and that I’m missing things. I’m mad at myself for not dancing at the powwow. Who cares if I can’t stop on the beat. Maybe if I had danced that day, I wouldn’t be in this mess.
Why did I drink? That’s what Mom would ask me if she were here.
I would say I drank because I was so uptight and tense and stressed. If I think about it, I see it’s probably because I’m trying to be something or someone I’m not. I don’t know if it’s me trying to be more Native. Or less Native, if that makes any sense. Like how can you be more or less Native than you are?
Sometimes I wonder what my friends are doing. I bet their summer isn’t anything like mine! I wonder if they miss me. Sometimes I miss them. But then it’s like they’re not part of my life at all anymore. It’s really weird how actual distance can make you feel more distant from your old life, or old self or old friends. We’ve texted some back and forth. But it’s not the same as it used to be. I’m not sure how I feel about it.
It’s only when I’m with Nokomis that anything makes any sense. We’re going to spend the rest of the week in the garden. She keeps saying I can send my feelings to the earth, whatever that means. I feel like half the time I don’t get what she is trying to tell me with her stories and her talk about Mother Earth. It’s like she speaks in code or something. Anyway. We are going to pick the beans, and pickle some beets this week.
We’re having burgers tonight for dinner. I better get my butt in gear. There’s lots of work to be done. At least I feel at home in the garden. Reminds me of the farm.