Half an hour later, River walked steadily downstairs. Her mom was standing at the kitchen sink. She gazed out the window at the sunset hovering above the corn fields.
“Thanks, Mom, for giving me some time,” River whispered. She hugged her mom around the waist from behind. Her cheek was flat against her mom’s back. “It’s just all so sudden. Like, I hoped in my heart this was coming, but the surprise shocked me. You could have told me we were moving, you know. And then told me about your new boyfriend a few days later. You could have like, taken me out for pizza before you tried to sweet talk me into moving away from my favourite guy Randy.”
“River!” her mom scolded as she laughed through her tears.
“Seriously, Mom. I know this must be really hard for you.” She squeezed her mom tighter. Her mom squeezed back. Then she turned and held River’s cheeks in the palms of her hands.
“Let’s go get some pizza.” Her mom smiled. She reached for her purse and her keys, and they made their way to the car.
“I’ll have a diet coke and a personal pan pizza — Hawaiian, please,” River said. She didn’t even bother looking at the menu.
“I’ll have the same, but an iced tea rather than a diet coke,” said her mom. She placed the menus at the side of table, gesturing for the waitress to take them with her.
“Perfect,” squeaked the young woman. “I’ll be right back with your drinks.” River could see that she was trying too hard for a tip.
River placed both of her palms down in front of her on the table of their booth. She leaned forward.
“Legit, Mom?” she said in a low voice. “You really want to pack up, leave Randy and go live on the rez with Thomas? Like, when did this even happen? How did this happen? Where did you meet him?” She took her glass from the hands of the waitress. She puckered fish lips around the straw and blew a few bubbles, trying to make her mother laugh.
“River, stop.” Her mom fought down a smile. “Thomas really is a wonderful soul, Riv. I think you’re really going to like him. I met him at a powwow last summer. He is an artist and I fell in love with his art. He is Cree, and he reminds me of your dad a bit. He’s soft and kind, and he’s a good listener. Well, your dad was soft and kind, but he was a terrible listener. I don’t know, I guess I’m a sucker for that Cree humour and long braids. Anyway, Thomas is really looking forward to meeting you. He knows some of the struggles you are going through. He said it must be tough being the only native girl in a small town. He gets it.”
“People don’t say native anymore Mom. It’s ‘Indigenous’ now.”
“You know what I mean, Riv,” she replied.
The waitress came back with their pizza. “Thank you,” River’s mom said quietly. As the waitress walked swiftly away from the table, River’s mom paused for a response.
River toyed with the straw in her glass. She finally broke her silence. “Mom, what really happened between you and Dad? Hell, what really happened between you and Randy?”
“I left your dad because he just wasn’t there. It’s not just that he travelled all the time, doing who knows what. I tried to give him his freedom. But even when he was home, he wasn’t really there, you know? We never talked. He never told me things to help me understand him. After you were born, I asked him about his family, about his past. I wanted anything he could tell me that would let us help you grow up in both our cultures. Whenever I tried to talk about anything he would be quiet or leave the room. I could never really read him.”
“I know the type,” River mumbled. She thought about how good her mom had been at keeping her own secrets.
“It was like I was drowning in silence. I felt alone all the time. It felt like we were roommates, not husband and wife. And with him away from home so much, it didn’t even hit me until a couple of months after I left him that we were actually separated. I just finally made the decision that I wanted to be happy. Because if I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t going to raise a happy child.”
River didn’t know how she felt about being one of the reasons her parents had split up.
“About six months after I realized your dad and I were done, I met Randy at your uncle’s birthday party. I was having a really hard time with you, doing it all on my own. Randy was stable, had a job and made me laugh. We had a lot of fun together. At first the drinking was just on the weekends. It wasn’t a problem for years. When it got bad enough, I thought I could change him. I started nagging him to quit, and things just got worse from there. By that time, I could see how living on the farm was good for you. You loved the animals and made friends. I didn’t want to leave this all behind. I didn’t want you to have to change schools, and it just never felt like the right time to leave.”
So why now? thought River. She felt even worse that she was one of the reasons her mom stayed with Randy.
“I felt like I lost myself again. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. It’s been over with Randy for a long time, but it took even longer this time to leave. Then I met Thomas last year. I started feeling like myself again. I know a man shouldn’t determine how I feel. But I just felt so much like my old self when I was around him. I fell in love with that feeling, and wanted to be around him more and more. And I was thankful to him that I could love myself again. But then things just kind of changed. I never really meant for it to go like that. It just did.”
River’s mom took a sip of her iced tea. River could tell she had surprised herself by telling the whole story at once.
“Mom, I can’t believe you haven’t told me any of this,” said River. “I’ve been old enough to hear it for a while now. Just yesterday at the beach, me and Charlie and Jazz and Josh were talking about being caught between parents in a divorce. The worst thing is to not know what’s going on.”
Suddenly, River felt guilty. It wasn’t like she had shared things with her mom a lot in the last while. She had been freaking out a little over what was going to happen when she went to her dad’s. And about what it would be like going to school in the fall. But she never said anything to her mom.
“Okay, River,” said her mom. “What do you want to talk about?”
Why not? River thought. “Did I ever tell you how I felt when I was being bullied about being ‘native’ when I was little?” She used her fingers to make quotation marks in the air.
“You were bullied about being native? When? By who?” her mom demanded.
“Remember when I came home asking questions about Eskimos and drunk people and Indians on welfare?” River’s eyes were wide.
“Yes, I remember that. I knew you had heard it from somewhere. But you said friends were saying that. And you never told me about being bullied. And is it really even called bullying, or should we call it what it was? RACISM.” River’s mom finally turned to her pizza.
“Well, whatever we decide to call it, it happened all the time.” River bit into her own pizza, surprised that she was hungry enough to eat it.
“The only thing I remember you telling me about was in grade three. You know, when Mrs. Green was poking you and Sarah on the head.”
“Oh my god, yes! She wouldn’t do it to anyone else in the class. If Sarah and I were talking or something, she would make a peace sign.” River held up two fingers. “And then she would use her fingers to poke us in the top of the head. She slapped me on the legs one day too. It was in gym class. I was sitting on the stage, swinging my legs, and she came along and slapped me. Maybe I was talking or something, or just swinging my legs. But it was only ever me and Sarah she treated like that. The ONLY two Indigenous kids in the class, and in the whole school.”
“Yes, and I reported her to the school. And to the Human Rights Commission.”
“Well, good. She was so cranky. Who could believe a teacher would still be that racist. And with kids? It messed me up for a while. I wanted to be white, Mom. Or at least, not brown. That’s why I wanted to cut my hair really short too.” River’s eyes dimmed with sadness.
“Oh, honey, I had no idea.” River could see her mom’s eyes held a different kind of sadness. “I had no idea it affected you this much. Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Not really. It’s just something I have to work through I guess. I still feel like something is always missing. Like, I’m happy, but never a hundred per cent happy. I don’t think I’m depressed. It’s different. It’s like I’m waiting for something exciting to happen, but it never comes. Or sometimes I feel like I’m in this constant state of resistance, but I don’t know what I’m resisting. I just know my body feels tense when I think about it too much.”
Her mom nodded. “I know the feeling. It sounds like you are ready to do a little soul searching of your own. It’s completely normal for you to feel like that, especially at your age. But as you can tell from what I’ve been telling you, people feel it at all different ages. And it’s different for everyone. When you’re older, some call it a mid-life crisis. You need to find the thing or feeling that makes you truly happy and content. And it’s not something anyone but you can figure out.”
“Hmm. Okay, so while I’m out soul searching, what are you going to do? What are we even going to say to Randy? He’s going to lose his mind when he finds out we’re leaving.”
“We’re not saying anything to Randy. I’ve got a plan in place, a way for both of us to leave safely. We’re doing a midnight move. I have a trailer lined up and your uncles will come and help. We’ll move everything we want to take during the night while Randy is at work. That way we avoid any more drama. I know it seems really crazy right now. But once we are all settled in, I promise it will be different. Our lives might feel normal again. No more walking on egg shells, wondering when the next set of dishes will smash against the wall.”
“Okay, Mom,” River said, but her voice was filled with doubt. “But I still think it’s happening way too fast. What about my stuff? How will I pack up my stuff without Randy noticing?” River’s chest was feeling a little tight.
“Well, this week, make sure you put the special things you want to take with you in a box in your closet. It won’t be too obvious because you’re packing to go away for the summer to your dad’s, and to go to Trent in the fall. I’ve been telling Randy I’m purging a bunch of stuff and donating it to the thrift store. Pack the rest of the important things in the extra suitcase that’s in your closet and put it under your bed. Then all the bedding and furniture will be moved the day of.”
“Geez, it all sounds so cold, Mom.”
“It has to be this way when you live with an abusive and alcoholic partner. You never know when they are going to blow. I do know for sure that if Randy knew we were leaving he would lose his mind. So we take the safest option. It’s called a safety plan.”
“Geez, Mom, I’m really sorry you have to go through this.”
“I know, River. And I’m sorry you do too.” She waved down the waitress and placed her bank card on the scuffed black tray to pay the bill.
“So when is this midnight move supposed to happen?” River blinked, trying to stop tears from leaving her eyes.
“The Saturday after you go to your dad’s in Winnipeg. I don’t want you to be there.”
River’s stomach sank. “I kind of wish I wasn’t going back home now,” she said.
River’s mom put her arm around her as they walked to the car. “We are going to get through this, River,” she said. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
River wished she could believe that.