The laundry basket bounced on the bed. River folded her lavender-scented clothes and sorted them into piles according to her list. She looked around the room and had no idea where to begin with everything else. She thought the easiest way to start might be with things she knew she was getting rid of. She needed a clear bag to get rid of old papers, and another for old makeup containers. She had to tackle the stuff in a ‘to be sorted’ pile in the corner of her closet. She had several plastic water bottles in her room that were still half full. As she placed the bottles in a blue bag, she thought about how bad they were for the environment. She knew she had to stop using them. She just had a hard time following through on stuff like that.
She was thankful she had watched Hoarders on TV. She didn’t feel so bad. When she got overwhelmed with the task, she reminded herself that, since there weren’t dead animals in her room, she was ahead of the game.
She walked around the room again, and placed all the things she was definitely keeping in a box. She piled up the clothes she would be taking to Winnipeg, and started a bag of clothes that were too small or out of style. She thought her little cousins might like them. That made her smile a few times. Her little cousins, who looked up to her, loved getting hand-me-down clothes from her. River wondered if she should be bringing her farm-ish clothes to Thomas’s rez. They might not think that her plaid shirt and ripped skinny jeans were cool. Then she started to wonder if she might not be accepted on the rez. What if she didn’t make any friends at school either? She thought of sitting alone all weekend while everyone in residence was having fun without her. While Josh was having fun without her. She rubbed her eyes, then grabbed the pillow beside her to cover her face. She screamed into it and then whipped it across the room. It hit the wall with a quiet thud. She stood up and continued packing.
River started going through the art supplies she had collected over the years. Her art table was full of half-finished pieces, mostly of dark drawings. Trees and young women falling from trees — a recurring theme. She had a few pieces of unfinished beadwork. A pair of half-finished moccasins she had started in grade eight. Two beaded hair clips that she had started and didn’t like so never finished. A pair of beaded blingy earrings like the girls wore at powwows that needed to be fixed around the edge. She had no idea what to do with it all. It felt weird and disrespectful to throw it out. Finally, she stuffed it all into a box and wrote BEADS on the outside. Like everything else, she would deal with it later.
She finished tidying her room and took a photo she found of her mom downstairs to show her. Her mom was sitting on the couch in the living room, folding dish towels.
“Mom, where was this picture taken?” River passed it to her mom and sat beside her on the couch.
Her mom reached for the photo and wrinkled her brow. “Hmm. Geez, I think this is me and your uncle. I think we were about seventeen here? Grandma had a couple of horses, and we would go riding on the weekends. Ha! Kind of like you and Josh.”
“Except me and Josh are way cooler, and not, like, related.”
“Of course you are way cooler, my darling,” her mom responded kindly. “Did you get a chance to tell Josh about everything going on?”
“Mom, I can’t even. I just finished packing my room. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“River, you have been saying that a lot lately. I don’t want you shutting me out.”
River didn’t answer.
“You know, Riv, I know this is a lot for you to handle. But getting angry and holding it in isn’t going to help. You need to talk about it.”
“Where’s Randy?” River asked.
“He went to get hay and straw. He’ll be back in about an hour.”
River’s emotions were all over the place. Anger with her mom. Sadness for her mom. Anger at Randy, and then sadness for him too. Anxiety that she didn’t know what her future would hold.
“I am upstairs packing my room in secret so your psychotic husband doesn’t find out. I’m putting memories of my childhood into a box, and I have no idea where this box is going. It’s not like I got a say in where we were moving to. It’s not like I got to pick out the bedroom I’ll be sleeping in once we move. Oh, wait a minute. Do I even have a bedroom?”
River’s mom’s arms were crossed against her chest. But she let River go on.
“I have to leave my animals, my horse. I have to leave my home. What do I have to look forward to? Watching you be in love with your new boyfriend?” Tears ran down River’s cheeks.
Finally, River’s mom spoke. “You know, honey, I thought I was doing the right thing. That keeping the decisions away from you would help keep some of the stress from you too. I didn’t realize that there were so many unknowns for you. I have just been trying to focus on keeping you safe and happy. All I could think about was getting you away from here and to somewhere peaceful. Maybe with new friends and people you can connect to culturally. I don’t know, Riv . . . I’m really sorry. I’m trying my best here.” She sighed and wiped her tears. “We have to stick together during this rough patch.”
“I can’t deal, Mom. There is so much stuff I am going through right now. Stuff with Josh, and school. And figuring out how a half breed is supposed to fit in. And now this. This has just pushed me over the edge. Like, Bon-voyage, River. Jump off this cliff into the abyss, River. See you on the other side, River!”
Her mom looked more confused than ever. “Whoa, River, what do you mean, half breed? Where did that come from?”
“Mom, I’m a half breed. Get over it.”
“I never thought you would use such an ugly term for yourself. Is that why you are so angry lately?”
“You just asked me to not hold in my feelings. And then I tell you my feelings. And then you get upset that one of the feelings is anger?”
Her mom exploded. “You know, River, when I was your age, I never got a say either. Sometimes you just don’t get a god damn say, no matter how old you are. And you get over it!”
River stormed upstairs. She tossed some clothes into her backpack, and ran back down the stairs. Glaring at her mom, who had returned to folding towels, River left and slammed the door behind her.