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I reached the ballroom and my stomach clenched when I stepped through the open double doors and onto a stone mezzanine looking over the huge, glittering expanse of the ball below. My steps faltered but I managed to catch myself on the balustrade, the marble too cool against my skin. I looked to my side to see yet another excessive stairway and caught sight of the herald waiting at the top. It was then I remembered why I had been sent this way. I was to be announced, like every other guest. So that everyone could stop what they were doing and gawk at me.
I crossed over to the stairs and the herald, a tall, thin man in a simple white shirt and forest green vest, stepped before me.
“Name?”
“Huh?”
“Your name, sir.” He gestured to the milling people below. “How would you like to be announced?”
“I-” I cleared my throat, “May I just head down? I am a little late. There’s no need to bother people.”
He watched me curiously and then shrugged, stepping back to his position by the wall.
Silently thanking him for not asking any more questions, I descended the stairs, keeping close to the banister, hoping to exude quiet confidence. Several faces turned to me but it seemed that their attention was simply caught by something moving in their peripheral vision. Their gazes did not linger, but instead scanned past me like I was nothing but a waiter in search for his lost tray of drinks.
When my boots clicked against the marble of the ballroom floor, I whistled a steadying exhale and slipped to the edges of the dance floor. I managed to catch a waiter who thankfully had not lost his tray, swiped a tall, delicate goblet of wine and stationed myself beside a window, half hidden behind a tall, leafy plant.
The ballroom was easily the size of the paved centre of the Cragdale town square, and was just as busy this night as the square at high noon. So busy, in fact, that it took me several unsettling moments before I caught sight of Kaspar. He was right at the other end of the room, close to the plinth where the thrones sat proud but empty. He was caught up in a conversation with Lady Delphine and another woman who looked familiar. Perhaps she had been at one of the banquets I had entertained. She most likely had some sort of fancy title attached to her name.
Kaspar was indeed dressed in a suit I had never seen before, paired with his circlet crown I now rarely saw him wear.
His jerkin was rather stunning. It was a deep blood red with golden filigree detailing so intricate it felt like a tease to look upon it from such a distance. The colour pallet was not unlike his wedding attire, but there was a showmanship to this outfit that the other had lacked.
The collar was high and stiff, the white frills of the undershirt framing his chin and strong jaw. This jerkin had slashed sleeves, revealing more of the striking white undershirt before the blood red material tapered to his wrists. The panes of the sleeves were trimmed in gold, similar to the collar. The jerkin was tailored neatly to his narrow waist then flowed out again to halfway down his thighs. Even his dark britches had a gold trim down the length of his long legs.
I coughed, wincing at my sudden dry throat. I had been openly gawking.
But, in my defence, he looked beautiful.
Quickly averting my gaze before my longing got the better of me, I spotted the feast. My stomach groaned. I guessed it was better to listen to my stomach than my heart at this moment, so I crossed the room, keeping to the edges. Grabbing a plate, I successfully filled it with cheese, grapes and an apple before giving up and turning away. I had wanted to sample the huge slab of honeyed ham but there was a crowd around that end of the table and I didn’t dare disrupt them. The mouth-watering scent clung to my nose as I slinked back to my hiding spot.
My stomach groaned once more, mocking my failed attempt. I had somehow made myself look like even more of a lowly sight. Looking down at the apple, I thought of Peaches. Would I get caught if I sneaked out to feed her?
“You came.”
My whole body jerked at the voice by my ear, nearly sending my pathetic bunch of grapes flying across the dance floor.
Lady Delphine slid gracefully into the space beside me, the tail of her dress coiled about her legs. She grabbed the hem and pulled it behind her. There was something about the woman that felt disjointed- maybe even lost -like she did not feel comfortable being presented in such finery. Her eyes roving over the dancing party-goers, her lips upturned in a relaxed smile. “I had no idea you were banned from entering the palace,” she laughed like it was such an absurd notion, yet I knew she knew exactly the reasoning behind my sentence. “Cedric was against my inviting you but you really did do an exceptional job at the tournament. We had to show our appreciation.”
My heart stuttered. I blinked at her. Alta had been right; the lady was almost the same height as me in her low heels. She sent me a fleeting smile.
“You invited me?”
“Indeed.”
“But... why?”
Her gaze swept back across the crowd. I followed her eyes and we both found Kaspar at the other end of the ballroom, head bent in conversation with someone new and his goblet looking like a forgotten thing in his hand. His shoulders were relaxed and a polite smile played on his lips.
“He hates these things,” sighed Lady Delphine, “I just wished to make the night a little more bearable for him.”
My brows lowered into an almost frown. “And my being here would help you with such a task?”
“Well, of course.”
“I may be allowed into the palace this night, but that does not mean I can lower my guard and act how I wish.”
She gulped heavily and a hopeless line sliced between her brows. “Indeed. Perhaps my inviting you here was also for selfish reasons.”
“How do you mean?”
Her dark eyes lowered to the marble floor. When she exhaled, her whole body shuddered as if she was expelling a heavy weight. Her dress was a sleek emerald green. The neckline was held up by a gold band around her slender throat, the scant material leaving her arms bare. It hugged her petite body perfectly, the silk shimmering like water.
Her dark hair was left down; the flow of soft curls passing her exposed clavicles and framing her perfect face.
“There is something that separates me from my husband.” Her eyes found mine and at my confusion, she shook her head. “You are not what I speak of. I fear I am being withheld important information.”
My gut twisted at the pain so stark in her eyes.
“I wanted you here for company as it appears I do not fit in as well as I had thought.”
“And that makes us cut from the same cloth?” I asked dryly.
“It makes you easier to talk to,” she countered simply, ignoring my jibe. “And perhaps you know what is troubling Kaspar so? He tells me nothing is wrong but he wears his feelings so plainly. It is how I know of you, the way his face alights at the mention of the old court jester-” She smiled wistfully, before her features pinched with pain.
My heart seized in my chest, but I willed myself to appear calm and collected.
“If he is withholding things from you, I am sure it is for good reason. He is a good man.” I was in dangerous territory. How had I now become the lady’s advisor?
“What? Because I am just a simple woman and so should refrain from anything that could cause me any amount of distress?” She scoffed. “Saint’s forbid I wrinkle!”
“I do not believe that is the reason at all, Your Highness.”
She scoffed again at my sudden manners.
“Father had me marry Kaspar to help this kingdom. Now it seems I was just a stepping stone for something greater that I am not privy to. Am I a fool?”
“On the contrary, I am the fool here. You cannot take that title from me. You would have to prise it from my cold, dead hands.”
She smirked despite herself and ran her hands down her dress as a distraction.
A silence fell between us and my stomach fluttered with anxiety as I scanned the room. It was then I realised I had no friends here. Even after living in the palace, faces looked familiar but I knew I was nobody to them. Invisible and worthless without my motley.
“Well.” Delphine exhaled sharply, her dark eyes pinning me with a gaze so striking my heart paused. Her thin lips shot up in a smile – the mechanical movement reminding me of the animatronics at one of the stalls in the town square. “Thank you for the talk, Wallace. I guess it is time I press for an open discussion with my husband. Enjoy your cheese.”
And then she left, keeping her head held high as she made her way straight through the middle of the dance floor. I watched in awe as the guests skirted about her, hurrying their steps when they twirled too close.
I dropped the back of my head against the window pane, the coolness of the glass seeping through my hair and tickling my scalp.
So, it wasn’t even Kaspar who invited me.
Then what am I still doing here?
When the lady approached her husband, he was quick to grab her hand and guide her back to the dance floor. Seeing them heading into the centre of the room, the band slipped into a melody with much more gusto. Kaspar’s hand slid to her lower back, his eyes fixed on hers and they spun in graceful circles – seemingly taking up as much space on the dance floor as physically possible. Their moves were looping and languid, their steps matching perfectly. The previous dancers had slowed and made their way to the edges, knowing their moment was over. They seemed to be paused, still embraced in their couples, as they looked onto their prince and his wife.
I caught sight of the king standing by his throne, his goblet lowered in a weak grip as he gazed at his son with fatherly pride. He was also wearing his crown, and dressed in similar colours to Kaspar, but with the addition of a rather lavish red cape with gold inlay.
My eyes couldn’t help but drift back to the couple, despite my heart clenching so hard I struggled to breathe. I saw my painting. The one of us on our fantasy wedding. How Delphine’s dress was swishing and floating about her ankles, I couldn’t help sensing the phantom feeling of my own dress doing the same. And the way Kaspar was looking at her in that moment – that all encompassing look like she was the only thing in the world that mattered. And I still wasn’t even sure if he had noticed me standing there, separated from the rest of the party like a scolded child, watching, breaking.
They were talking through their smiles. Delphine’s eyes shone big and bold despite her mouth barely moving. There was emotion in her words, a strain of urgency at her throat. What were they saying? No. I didn’t want to know.
The plate nearly slipped from my hands but I managed to settle it down on the windowsill. My palms were clammy. My heartbeat thundered in my ears, offbeat to the string quartet. Offbeat, that was a good way to describe everything that was happening in that moment.
Everything was wrong.
I shouldn’t be here.
My legs shook as I stormed towards the doors – because of course there were doors on this level but I had not been permitted to enter that way. I almost collide with a star-struck couple but managed to twist my body in time to only clip the man’s shoulder. His whole body jolted but he didn’t acknowledge me, still transfixed on the dance floor.
Pressure built behind my eyes and I sensed the recognisable tickle. My hands turned to fists by my sides as I tilted my head down and continued through the familiar corridors. My feet lead the way, my mind lost to my emotions. I didn’t even know where I was heading until I reached it. The hidden door was cleverly placed behind an ornamental suit of armour. The only way to spot the crack in the marble was if you knew it was there. It had been perfectly disguised by the natural grey veins that ran through the shining rock.
There were no guards around because, to all the other guests, there was nothing to guard.
I pressed my palm against the wall, knowing all I had to do was add pressure to the right spot and the door would sink inwards so I could roll it aside on its tracks and disappear through the walls like vermin. This one led outside, the closest one to the stables. I could give Peaches a cuddle, grab Judith and head back home.
Back home to my secluded hunting lodge.
The realisation that this place was no longer my place hit me so violently I felt winded. I bent at the waist, pressing my forehead to the cool wall.
Bile suddenly rose in my throat. I had been so foolish in my mourning of this place, this life. I may have belonged here once, but that time had passed long ago. It hit me at that moment that perhaps my time had been and gone. Because who was I? A bystander playing make believe?
Had I been an idiot to think I had ever evolved further than being the silly lad at the inn?
No, I was no longer him. People noticed him.
“Wally?”
My stomach dropped as my heart simultaneously soared at the surprised gasp from behind me. Closing my eyes, I needed half a second to collect myself before turning and looking upon Kaspar gaining on me, his arms outstretched to me in wonder.
“You’re here.”
I open my mouth to say something – I was not sure what – but it was smothered by his lips on mine. A muffled squeal of surprise and confusion left me as he cupped my face with both hands and used his hips to lodge me against the hidden door.
As I am transcribing all of this, I am starting to realise that Kaspar really enjoyed pinning me against things.
My fingers splayed over his chest and I had every intention of pushing him off and asking what was going on, but as my palms met the plush velvet of his jerkin, I melted against him. The painful tension in my muscles thawed as a blooming heat took over within me.
His kiss became hungry – feverish. His hand slid to my backside and he grabbed, squeezed and almost lifted me off the ground. Instinctively, I lifted my leg and hooked my boot around his calf. He seemed desperate to connect our bodies in every way possible.
Our bodies rolled together, the heady passion of the moment making me forget everything else. His hands were then on my vest and I caught the clinking sound of my buckles.
He laughed against my lips, breaking the kiss just long enough to look down at what his fingers were fiddling with. I was dizzy with need. My teeth sank into his earlobe before my lips trailed along his jaw line, his stiff collar refusing my mouth access to his neck.
“I like these,” he murmured, already unfastening one of my buckles and dropping to the second. “Come.” He grabbed at it and dragged me through the corridor. My legs struggled to find purchase but then I was stumbling behind him. When he turned to check on me, his penetrating gaze had me pulling at the suddenly tight material around my groin.
He masterfully dodged all the guards, slipping down the less travelled areas of the palace. His grip left my buckle and his big hand slid into mine – his palm burning against my own.
“Kaspar, what is going on?” I whispered, jogging awkwardly to keep up with his long, determined strides. He was marching with such purpose I didn’t know whether to be turned on or afraid.
Stopping, he pulled me to the wall at the end of a corridor and slid his free hand down the wall behind a tall plinth holding a huge, floral vase. He pressed something and a section of the wall tilted inwards with a sigh in a way that had my heart fluttering. I knew this secret door well. He slid it to the side and pulled me in, sealing us in the soft grey darkness.
His lips found mine in the dark, our noses knocking together almost painfully. “I just want you,” he breathed before pulling me up the stairs.
There were small stone grids placed in sections of the outer wall, allowing shards of moonlight to filter through the narrow stairwell. It wasn’t much, only lighting the tight space enough for me to see Kaspar’s dark form before me. I had to trust him to lead the way. I tripped several times and I knew the toes of my nice, polished boots would be well and truly scuffed once we made it to his quarters.
We were spat back out on the third floor opposite Kaspar’s rooms. The hidden doors were a safety measure so that the prince could make a hasty escape if the palace was ever attacked. Not that Kaspar would ever actually run from a fight. But I was thankful for the feature as it made sneaking into his rooms in the early weeks of our relationship easier.
Still holding my hand, Kaspar dragged me into his rooms and practically threw me on the bed. I scrambled about, limbs and thoughts fumbling with equal measure. I had never seen him like this before. His cheeks were flushed a rosy pink as he slinked over like a predator ready to devour its prey. My insides suddenly cringed away, panicked by the fiery intent in his viridian gaze.
“Did you know I was coming tonight?” I asked, my voice a pitch higher than usual.
He grabbed my calves and pulled me along the silk covers until I was sitting at the edge of the bed and he captured the back of my neck, angling my face up to him.
“No, I didn’t.” His thumb traced my lower lip, the frantic nature of his want subsiding slightly into something more contained. He bit his own lip as his eyes flittered over my face.
“You didn’t think to invite me?”
“Do you think my father would have let me invite you?”
“He let Delphine invite me.”
“It appears so.” He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear that had wriggled free from my styling.
“Are you happy I’m here?” I inwardly chastised myself at how pathetic I sounded, but my heart was pounding so violently my throat felt like it was closing up.
“Of course I am.” He unbuckled the rest of my vest and pushed it off my shoulders. My eyes roved his tunic but I had no idea how to even start removing it. The front had laces running down the centre but I couldn’t fathom where they were tied. “You know I would rather spend the night alone with you than down there with any of them.”
“Even Delphine?” I choked, and then quickly pressed my lips together. I closed my eyes, shaking my head. Why had I even asked that? But all I could see was them dancing together in the back of my eyelids.
Silence followed. Kaspar’s hand ceased it’s exploring of my chest. I peered up at him. His jaw was clenched and there was an unfocused cloudiness in his gaze. A sharp exhale left his nose and he began pulling at the laces of his tunic and shaking it off like it had suddenly caught fire.
“I don’t want to think about her right now,” he snapped, freeing his hand from the cuff of his undershirt and slapping it to the rug below. Now bare-chested, I could see just how heavily he was breathing. His chest was flushed, his biceps bulging as his hands turned to fists by his sides, right before he dove onto me, caging my body beneath his on the bed.
The tension in the air was a thick blanket of wool over us. I struggled to breathe beneath him, his scent of sandalwood filling my senses. There was no air, just Kaspar, and I inhaled him like a poultice. I let him take me, consume me. The rest of my clothes followed my vest and my fingers nimbly worked at Kaspar’s britches. There was a sudden urgency to every movement, a fizzing through all my extremities. It bounced between us, vibrating through our bodies like they were calling to one another. And there was a power in it. I felt powerful. Like I was capable of anything so long as Kaspar looked at me and held me in the way he was in that moment.
My mind spun. Only moments ago I was almost in tears at how invisible I had become and now it felt like if Kaspar didn’t take me right then and there he would simply explode.
I didn’t just felt seen, I felt needed.
“Take me,” I moaned as he fisted my hair, his teeth scraping my neck.
My eyes rolled back at the sudden pressure. I clung to him, clawing at his muscular back as tears once again built up behind my eyes. I welcomed them and allowed them to roll down my temples because I was his and he was mine and I belonged.