I WATCHED THEA’S figure disappear into the crowd, the red silk of her gown fading, feeling as if something was trying to claw its way out of my chest from the inside, tearing and biting at me.
But I ignored it. Because letting her walk away from me was easier. Simpler.
For you, maybe. Not for her.
Yeah, well, she shouldn’t have told me that she loved me, should she? She should have kept pretending that she didn’t care. I’d never promised her anything different. Sex, fun and pleasure. That was it.
Yet as I bent to pick up the necklace she’d left at my feet, the pearls silky, smooth and still warm from her skin, I felt the pain echo through me. It was sharp, blinding. As if she’d stabbed me before she’d walked away.
But, fuck, what else could I have done? I’d had to let her go.
Love was a demanding master and I didn’t want to deal with it any more.
She’s right—you’re afraid.
Jesus, no, I wasn’t afraid. I just knew I’d fail her in the end, like I’d failed my mother and Morgan. Mum had died, despite what I’d done to try and save her, and Morgan’s life had been turned upside down. I hadn’t been able to save her either. So in the end it was better not even to try.
No, it was good I’d let Thea leave. Her apparent love for me would fade over time, just like her memories. She would find another man who’d give her what she needed. That man just wouldn’t be me.
Forcing away the terrible sense that I’d just made a catastrophic mistake, I shoved the pearls in my pocket and re-joined the party, pasting my usual bullshit smile on my face and acting as if nothing was wrong. And, hey, if I pretended hard enough it would be, right?
Everett asked me at one point what had happened to Thea and I told him she’d gone home with a headache. He just looked at me as if I’d gone mad, which I didn’t understand. Ulysses didn’t seem to notice, which was par for the course with him, given he was socially challenged at the best of times, and this wasn’t even the best of times.
The launch ended up being a huge success, the auction raising shitloads of money for the foundation and the cancer research facility, and after it was over I stayed on to drink champagne and laugh like I didn’t give a fuck, the way I always did. Using alcohol to blot out the memory of Thea’s retreating figure vanishing into the crowds.
It wasn’t till much later that I finally made my way outside, to where the limo was sitting waiting for me. Only to find Morgan leaning against the side of it, her arms crossed.
Ah, shit. I’d been going to talk to her and had psyched myself up to do it at the beginning of the evening. But now Thea was gone, all I could think about was avoiding Morgan too.
Coward.
I wanted to deny the thought, but this time I couldn’t seem to find the energy. Thea had said that I was afraid. Maybe she was right.
I slowed as I came down to the steps towards the limo. ‘Can we have this discussion tomorrow?’ I asked shortly. ‘I’m too drunk for it now.’
‘No.’ Morgan stared at me, her blue eyes sharp as knives. ‘You’re not drunk.’
I wasn’t either. The haze of alcohol had all burned off the moment I’d seen her. ‘Okay, no, I’m not drunk,’ I admitted. ‘I just don’t want to talk to you right now.’
Morgan ignored me. ‘Where’s Thea?’
I shrugged, as if it didn’t matter. ‘She’s gone.’
‘Ah.’ Morgan’s blue gaze had narrowed. ‘So that’s the problem.’
‘What problem?’
‘Don’t be stupid, Damian. I saw the way you were looking at her at the beginning of the evening.’ She gave me yet another searching look that I didn’t much like. ‘You sent her away, didn’t you?’
I gave her my usual smile, even knowing how empty it was. ‘No, actually. It was her decision. She decided to leave.’
But Morgan wasn’t fooled, which was typical. I’d never been able to fool her.
‘I’d forgotten how bad you are at hiding things,’ she said, staring at me. ‘She means something to you, doesn’t she?’
‘Morgan, I’d really rather—’
‘And you meant something to her. I could tell. I saw the way she looked at you, too.’
Everything in me tightened, and I wanted to walk away. Or to smile, tease her, distract her the way I used to do when she’d been small. When she used to put her arms around me and beg me to make it better.
But I couldn’t make it better then and I couldn’t make it better now.
‘Sometimes it’s easier not to care, Morgan,’ I said before I could stop myself. ‘Sometimes it’s better just to let someone go.’
‘Oh? Like you let me go?’
Clearly she wasn’t pulling any punches tonight.
I gritted my teeth and made myself look her in the eye. ‘I couldn’t make it better for you. I couldn’t help you.’
‘So, what? You sent me away?’
‘Yes.’ My hands were in fists in my pockets, tension crawling between my shoulder blades. ‘If that’s what you want to know, yes. I sent you away. Because there was nothing I could do for you. Just like there wasn’t anything I could do for Mum.’
Morgan glanced away abruptly, her mouth tight. ‘You didn’t have to do anything, Damian. Just being there was enough.’
There was an open hole where my heart was, a great, gaping wound.
And then suddenly, out of nowhere, I could feel Thea’s fingers squeezing my hand, a ghost of her presence beside me letting me know she was there.
‘Mum died, Morgan,’ I said hoarsely, not knowing I was going to say it until then. ‘I couldn’t save her. She was in pain and I couldn’t do anything. And then I couldn’t do anything for you either...’
Morgan slowly turned to look at me, her face white. Then abruptly she pushed herself away from the limo and, before I could move, she was there, flinging her arms around me the way she used to and holding me tight.
She didn’t say anything. Just hugged me.
‘I failed you,’ I heard myself say, the hole in my chest getting deeper and wider. ‘I failed you and I failed Mum. And I let Thea go because I’ll only end up failing her too.’
Morgan looked up at me, her blue eyes full of tears. ‘You didn’t fail,’ she said fiercely. ‘You were always there for me. And you were there for Mum too.’
‘I couldn’t make it better, Morgan. It’s there in my head, all the time. The memories of you crying, of Mum hurting. They don’t go away and they never fade.’ My jaw ached, everything raw. ‘Sometimes it’s all I can think about.’
Morgan blinked, her gaze dark. ‘Then you need different memories, Damian. Better ones.’
‘You mean money isn’t the answer?’ It was a flippant, stupid response, but I couldn’t think of anything better to say.
She scowled, treating my answer with the contempt it deserved. ‘Don’t be a dick. Honestly, you don’t get better memories with money. It’s with people, Damian.’
People like Thea.
I could still feel the clasp of her hand around mine, still see her smile. I remembered completely the first time I’d seen her, standing on the terrace in Hong Kong, frowning at me, my beautiful, dark-eyed mystery woman. And then the way she’d felt in my arms, warm and silky.
But there were more memories, too. Of her rare smiles and her fierce passion. And her generosity. Her honesty and her sympathy.
Her love.
I could feel that love. In the ghost of her hand around mine, in the warmth of the pearls in my pocket. In the strength of her demand that I give her more. In her refusal to settle for less.
She wasn’t afraid to ask for what she deserved and she hadn’t been afraid to call me out on my own cowardice.
She hadn’t been afraid to tell me she loved me, even knowing that I had nothing to give her.
If she’s not afraid, why are you?
I closed my eyes, my chest aching, everything aching. And I knew there was only one way I could stop the pain.
‘Damian?’ Morgan’s voice was soft. ‘Are you okay?’
‘No.’ I didn’t open my eyes. ‘I think I’m in love.’
‘Oh,’ Morgan said.
‘Yeah. It fucking sucks.’
There was a silence and I let myself enjoy my little sister’s hug for one moment longer. Then I released her and stood back. ‘I’ll talk to you again, kiddo. I promise. But there’s a woman whose forgiveness I have to beg first.’
Morgan gave me a long, measured look. ‘Better make it good, Damian.’
‘Oh, don’t worry, I will.’ I turned towards the limo. ‘I’ll even get down on my knees if I have to.’
And I would.
Because I wasn’t planning to come back without her.