Key Terms

desire to be important  one of the key motivating factors for humans. This core premise underpins much of Carnegie’s advice, including sections on avoiding direct criticism and letting the other party do most of the talking. The advice comes, according to the author, from his readings of the psychoanalytical pioneer Sigmund Freud and especially the American functional psychologist and educational reformer John Dewey.

don’t kick over the beehive  the first piece of advice Carnegie offers in the first section of his book: “If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.” As an opening statement, it sets the standard for the book: aggressive and unsophisticated behavior is not the best action to take. Carnegie cites two psychologists, Hans Selye and B. F. Skinner, as the source of these ideas. Selye writes about humans thirsting for approval and dreading condemnation, and Skinner’s research reveals that animals rewarded for good behavior learn more rapidly and retain what they learn more thoroughly than animals punished for undesirable behavior.

a drop of honey  one of many aphorisms that Carnegie likes to apply to his techniques: “A drop of honey attracts more flies than a gallon of gall.” It refers to using a friendly approach to human interaction instead of anger, as practiced by Abraham Lincoln, from whom Carnegie adopted it. As Lincoln said, “So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart, which, say what you will, is the great high road to reason.”

eager want  one of the maxims that Carnegie quotes throughout this book: “Arouse in others an eager want.” To influence people, one must first motivate the person to be influenced. The idea originated with City College of New York psychology professor Harry Allen Overstreet, who wrote in Influencing Human Behavior, “Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire. . . . First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”

encouragement  inspiring people with positive feedback. When motivating people to overcome initial obstacles or teaching them a new skill, Carnegie counsels using encouragement, especially the kind that minimizes the significance of mistakes or the difficulty of skills not yet mastered.

hearty approbation  enthusiastically approving of someone or someone’s actions. Carnegie believed in the value of praising people in order to motivate them. He advises, be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” This twin affirmation is repeated often throughout the book, especially in quotations from Carnegie’s students, proving it was a significant takeaway from Carnegie’s courses. The wording comes from an interview Carnegie conducted with Charles Schwab about motivating people to do the work you want: “I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”

keep a diary  analyzing one’s performance by noting how one has used Carnegie’s techniques. In addition to providing advice about how to win friends and influence people, Carnegie wrote an introductory chapter about how to read and use his book. The key to mastering the techniques of positive interaction and empathy that the book espouses is to analyze one’s own performance. A major part of this comes from writing journal entries; the process of writing slows one down and forces one to examine the nuances of the various techniques, and to provide honest self-examination as to how well they were applied.

review  reread each chapter to best absorb each technique. In his chapter about how to get the most out of his book, Carnegie suggests that the first read of each chapter should be rapid and designed to catch the drift. But before proceeding to the next chapter, he advises his readers to reread the chapter they just finished, taking time to ponder how to apply each skill. And after reading the book through, he suggests returning to it every month to review the principles and remind oneself to apply them to current circumstances.

saving face  giving a person the chance to rehabilitate him or herself if an error is made, no matter how serious it is. Harsh criticism gives little chance for the person to save face, and that is a recipe for resentment. In one example, Carnegie highlights a meeting in which a vice president’s close scrutiny of a problematic production process caused the production supervisor to be evasive to save face—a tactic that made the vice president suspicious and led him to accuse the production manager of lying. The result: “Any working relationship that might have existed prior to this encounter was destroyed in a few brief moments. The supervisor, who was basically a good worker, was useless to the company from that time on.” A better approach, according to Carnegie, is to acknowledge problems with the process, take focus away from blame, and encourage the parties responsible with suggestions and assurances.

walk the sidewalk  an expression used by Carnegie to impress the value of preparation and forethought before attempting to use his techniques. It comes originally from Dean Donham of the Harvard Business School: “I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a man’s office for two hours before an interview, than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person—from my knowledge of his or her interest and motives—was likely to answer.”

yes, yes  getting positive answers early on during negotiations. This is Carnegie’s advice partly because he believes that it sets up an agreeable momentum to the conversation, and that repeating “yes, yes” is more likely to influence a positive outcome. A “no” is hard to recover from because people, motivated by personal pride, wish to remain consistent whether they are persuaded otherwise or not. Carnegie developed this technique from reading Socrates and from lectures by a psychology professor at City College of New York, Harry Allen Overstreet.