“Y
ou know...I’ve always worried about you”—Fi looked over her shoulder and saw her mother standing a few feet away from her, arms crossed in front of her chest—“working with those boys all the time, running yourself ragged you can’t even call your mother.”
Gabriel and the band had just left for the hotel in a nondescript black van, and Fi was lingering by the window where she waved them goodbye as the vehicle drove away. The rain had stopped hours ago, allowing the flood to subside and easing the traffic flow around their neighborhood.
Diana walked over, peering out the window just as the van turned at the intersection. “Filipina?”
“Ma—”
The older woman studied her daughter’s face, but Fi dropped her gaze and let guilt gnaw at her heart. “I’m sorry, Ma. I’ll do a better job of keeping in touch from now on.”
“That doesn’t sound like everything I need to hear.”
Of course. There was no way her mother missed all the not-so-subtle hints of trouble. Especially not when Gabriel and Yihwan were yelling at each other the night before. Not even the language barrier could stop anyone from concluding something was amiss.
Diana only smiled, noting the reluctance in Fi’s eyes when she raised her gaze to meet hers. “When did my little lady grow up like this?” she asked, raising a hand to cradle her daughter’s cheek. “You used to tell your mother everything.”
Fi blinked away the look in her eyes, the one her mother just saw, hoping she will eventually drop this conversation. She hated that she would have to lie to her mother, but it was either that or break her heart.
“I just need to sort out some things before returning to Seoul, is all.”
When Diana didn’t utter a word, Fi felt the need to compensate for the silence. “I’m fine, Ma.”
“I believe you.”
Fi exhaled the breath she’d been holding and leaned in to hug Diana. She buried her face in the crook of her mother’s neck, aware of the gentle fingers that ran through her hair. The distance from this limbo she was in now to being fine was long, but Fi had already decided this was a battle she’d have to fight and win on her own. Because what good was it to tell her mother about it if it would make her feel helpless anyway?
It was Diana who pulled away first, the reassuring smile on her face still there. “Yihwan is so guwapo, ha?” she commented, the impish twinkle in her eyes reappearing. “But I think I like Gabriel more. So dashing and strong. And he seems the type to be maalaga.”
“Ma.”
The older woman giggled. “What—I remember you telling me about Yihwan before. He’s good-looking, but he also seems like a snob.”
“Ma!”
“Why, anak? You don’t like him anymore? Is it because of Gabriel?”
“Maaaa!”
“All right, all right. I’ll stop now.” Diana laughed and pulled her daughter in for another hug. “If it were up to me, I’d never let you return to Seoul again. I’ve missed you so much,” she said softly and dropped a kiss on Fi’s hair.
There was a pause as Fi struggled to swallow the lump in her throat. “I’ve missed you too, Ma.”
* * *
Han Haera stared at her phone as it rang. She rarely answered calls from unknown numbers, but she decided to pick up anyway.
“Yeoboseyo, Han Haera-ssi?”
“Who is this?”
“This is Fi Legaspi from AmEnt. I used to be on your entour—”
“Fi. Wow, it’s been such a long time since I last heard from you.”
There was silence on the other end of the line. Haera could tell Fi was reluctant about this call, but the actress waited for her to speak. Somehow, she felt like this might be about Yihwan.
And it was. Haera fell silent when Fi asked her to stop calling Yihwan for the meantime. She hadn’t noticed how her free hand clenched into a fist until Fi spoke again. “Yihwan is having a really hard time right now, and…”
“Are you implying that I have something to do with it?”
“He hasn’t been himself since the rumors about you—”
“Shouldn’t you be more concerned about the rumors that he’s sleeping with you, Fi?”
“Haera-ssi, you know that’s not true.”
“No. I don’t know.”
“I don’t care what you think about the rumors,” Fi said in a huff. “And I don’t want this conversation to last longer than it should. I called because I want to help Yihwan get back on his feet. Because clearly, he can’t do it when you keep reminding him of what he lost.”
“He wasn’t the only one who lost something, Fi,” Haera pointed out. “On the other hand, you will lose everything if you don’t get your name cleared, and soon.”
“This is not about me.”
“But it should be.”
* * *
Be kinder to yourself, Fi. The band is your responsibility, but you’re also responsible for yourself. Don’t light yourself on fire just so you can keep everyone else warm.
Fi. You stay strong through all of this, okay? Don’t let the bad people mess your head up.
Well, that was unexpected.
Haera’s sentiments echoed Gabriel’s in a way, but the actress’ sincerity surprised her. Ever since Haera broke up with Yihwan, Fi had filed her name under the category “Selfish, Heartless Bitches.”
How wrong of her to slap that label on Haera, when she only knew Yihwan’s side of the story. How did that make her any better than the sasaengs who called her names on the Internet?
Mianhaeyo, Haera-ssi.
As she mulled over the actress’s words, she recalled the offer Gabriel mentioned. Nothing’s been set in stone, but AmEnt seemed to think it necessary. She remembered Gabriel telling her to think of herself too, making her wonder if it was so wrong to have spent all her time and effort on her band.
The opening notes of Stuff of Daydreams pulled her out of her reverie. Gabriel was calling.
“Please tell me you’ve arrived safe and sound.”
“Yes,” he replied. “Yes, we have. I’m sorry this call is late. Lots of stuff going on.”
“Nah, it’s fine. I was worried your van was followed or something. My view from the window wasn’t exactly the best...”
“Oh, but I like that window. Lots of history.” Gabriel’s laughter sounded warm over the phone; it was as though he was just standing next to her. The thought made her smile.
“Uh-oh. What did you hear from Mom?”
He laughed some more. “Incriminating things.”
“Planning to blackmail me?”
“O-ho. Blackmail material about you exists?” He was about to say something more, but his other phone started to ring. “Sorry, Fi…can I put you on hold for a bit? I’ll just take this call.”
“Sure, go ahead,” she said, entertaining herself by walking into Mayumi’s room and looking through her old stuff.
She stumbled upon a box, a collection of CDs rescued from the first flood that almost destroyed their house years back. Most of the CD covers have been painstakingly restored, but she could still see the extent of the water damage. Mold clung to the acrylic casings, and Fi reminded herself to try and clean them up the next day.
“Still there, Fi?”
“Yeah.”
“You were very quiet.”
“I was just looking through some of my unni’s old collections.” She was holding a g.o.d. Chapter 4 album, one of the many memorabilia that the flood completely damaged. “Gabe, do you know g.o.d.?”
“I know of them, but I don’t know them personally.”
“Do you know the song Road?”
“I’m not sure I’ve heard it. Why?”
“Nothing, I just... thought of it. I’m holding my unni’s old g.o.d. album that has the song.”
“Why don’t you play it for me?” he asked. She could hear paper shuffling in the background; he was probably staying up late again to finish some more work. Meanwhile, here she was, restless and looking for something to do.
“Can’t. Most of these ones I’m looking at right now were damaged by a flood many years back,” Fi said, regretful. “The ones on the shelves you saw were the newer ones. Maybe when I return to Seoul, I’ll look for replacements for these and surprise my sister when she returns from... wherever.”
“Bummer. Is it a good song?”
“Got me into KPop.”
“Reason enough for me to look it up.”
She smiled and reminded him to keep his priorities in check. “I’ll go monitor the weather for the meantime.”
“All right. No peeking anywhere else, Ms. Legaspi.”
“Heard you loud and clear, Mr. Park. Good night.”
Fi let the call linger long enough for her to hear him chuckle and say “Good night.” But instead of checking the weather forecast like she said she would, she found herself lying on her sister’s bed. Without the boys around, the house was silent again, and she relished that, if only for the fact that she was able to gather her thoughts.
There were times in the past—even after Mayumi left to work overseas—when she’d sought the comfort of this room whenever something troubled her. Simply being in this room reminded her of the heart-to-heart talks she and Mayumi had all those years, all the secrets shared between them, as well as the tears.
It still did.
But as she shifted to lie on her side, she caught a whiff of Gabriel’s cologne on the sheets and pillows. Slowly, she curled up against one of the pillows and closed her eyes.
Eight hours later, she woke up from a peaceful, dreamless sleep.
FROM FI LEGASPI’S KAKAOSTORY FEED
Filipina Legaspi
11 months ago (103 hearts, 1,823 comments)
Exhausted.
-With Yihwan, Steven, and Minchan
(Photo attachment: All four of them sitting on EG Project’s couch—from left to right: Yihwan, Fi, Steven, and Minchan—pretending to be asleep. From the angle, it seems Minchan took the photo with his arm outstretched, but it’s barely noticeable.)
COMMENTS
We should have known this picture meant something else entirely. Garbage.
God, please don’t let it be true that she has infected the magnae too. Yihwan, Steven—we’ll forgive you if you drop that slut out of your entourage.
If you have a shred of dignity left in you, just leave.
Oh look, an actual pic of them after a foursome.
I’m so embarrassed to be a FilOriginal because of her.
I used to think this photo was so cute and heartwarming. Now it disgusts me.
I hope for your sake that the sex was good, because that’s going to be your last.