ind the perfect date in your area now!”
“Enter your e-mail address and sign up to meet the guy of your dreams!”
“This is where every single person finds love!”
“Get in on the action. Find true love now!”
These are actual ads I found while surfing several online dating services. (No … I’m not looking for a date.) All guarantee fast and easy access to the perfect guy. If only it were so simple. And a lot of these sites seem to be more about sex than dating, with suggestive pictures and even more suggestive profiles. But I’ll tell you right now, dating isn’t about sex, and I’m not going to talk about sex in this chapter.
Yes, dating and sex seem to be one and the same. But dating is about building relationships and learning to deal with guys. Yeah, sex will come up. But way before you get to sex, you have to figure out what a good relationship is. Dating takes a lot of responsibility—and a lot more time than any of those ads suggest.
Of course, you’d never know it if you took society’s word for it. A lot of reality TV shows make dating look like a game or a joke. Just watch them for a few hours, and you’ll take relationships about as seriously as you take Paris Hilton. And speaking of Paris Hilton, celebrities, whether in real life or on screen, do a lot to convince us that insanely attractive people run around having sex as soon as they meet someone, get married after a month of dating, and get divorced just as quickly. They definitely don’t seem to take relationships seriously.
It’s no wonder that when I talk to a lot of girls, I discover that even the best-intentioned ones, trying their hardest to live a God-honoring life, are still completely clueless about what dating should really be like. The end result is that many of them have taken a lot of wrong turns and made some big mistakes. What about you? Do you know how to do dating the right way—in a way that honors God?
If you could plan the perfect date night, what would it be like?
If you’ve started dating, you might think this chapter isn’t for you. Well, you’re wrong. You may have a lot of dating experience, but it might not be good experience. This chapter isn’t designed to condemn you for anything you might’ve done on dates before but to help you have better, more God-honoring dates in the future.
If you haven’t started dating yet, you might think you don’t need to read this. Believe me, you do. You need to prepare yourself for what’s coming, even if your parents don’t let you date now (or if you’re still waiting for Mr. Wonderful to ask). As you become a woman, the choice will be yours: dating the world’s way or God’s way. I really hope that as you read this chapter, you’ll examine your dating habits or desires and then apply the necessary changes to let God make you into a woman who honors him in your dating life.
Some say Christian teens shouldn’t date at all. I think dating can be a time for you to develop healthy, God-centered relationships with the opposite sex. Dating can cause a lot of problems if you choose to go it alone—without God. But approaching dating from God’s perspective will help you develop dating habits that honor God (but still allow you to have fun).
God wants to be involved in your dating life, and if you don’t let him, it’s unlikely you’ll ever really find satisfaction in dating. To become a woman of God, honoring him when you date has to be a priority for you. So here are some dating dos that’ll hopefully keep you from stumbling into any of the don’ts.
If you could design the perfect man for you to spend the rest of your life with, what would he be like? Make a list of the characteristics your future husband should have.
MY LIST:
Consider the guys you’ve gone on a date with or want to date. Do these guys match up with your list? If not, why are you dating or wanting to date them?
Read what Shelly wrote me recently about her take on many guys:
Dear Jeffrey,
Where have all the good guys gone? It seems like every time I get into a relationship with a guy, it never fails that eventually he starts pushing me to do things with him—you know, sexually. Why can’t I just find a guy that accepts me and is willing to say no to the sex stuff? That’s the kind of guy I want. Do you think there are any left?
Shelly
What Shelly was really saying in this letter is “I want a guy who’ll raise the bar. I want a guy who puts what God wants and what I want before what he wants.” You may be thinking, Jeffrey, if I have such high standards for the type of guy I’ll date, I’ll never go out with anyone. Well, it might not eliminate every guy in the world, but it will make your pool of datable guys a lot smaller.
Just think about it, though. What if, rather than raising your dating bar, you choose to lower it? Yes, the number of datable guys has multiplied. But now there are just more unworthy guys to choose from. Just more guys lining up to let you down because they don’t value what you value.
I know setting high expectations can make you feel like you’re missing out on something you have to have. But if you have to lower your bar to get a date, then you’re putting that date before God—and nothing should come before him. It’s hard because everything around you says you need to have a boyfriend, and if you don’t have one, then something’s gotta be wrong with you. This might be the lie teen girls believe more than any other one. The truth is, having a boyfriend who doesn’t meet your standards means there’s something wrong with you. Waiting patiently for the right guy makes you smart—and it makes God proud. It’s one of the hardest things to do when all the girls around you seem to be jumping from one cute boy to the next. But you’ll regret lowering your standards a lot more than you’ll regret missing out on some of the junk bad boyfriends get you into.
Take a look again at the list of characteristics you just made of what you hope your future husband will be like. Make a pledge with yourself now to never compromise your list. One compromise will eventually lead to another. Remember, no guy is worth a compromise of your character, convictions, and desire to become the woman God is making you into.
There’s a question I get asked over and over again: “Is it okay to date a guy who’s not a Christian?”
My answer to this question is more questions:
• Would you want to marry someone who doesn’t believe there’s a heaven, hell, or God, and doesn’t believe that Jesus is his Savior?
• Would you want to marry someone who wouldn’t embrace reading the Bible, going to church, and praying?
• Would you want to marry someone who wouldn’t instill in your children godly character and the practices of praying, going to church, and reading the Bible?
I hope the answer to each of these questions would be a definite no from you. If this is the case, then why would you choose to date someone who wouldn’t do these things? I’m not saying you have to think you’re going to marry every guy you go out with (he might be a little freaked out if you talk about kids on the first date). But any guy you date should be marriage-worthy. And the first question on the marriage-worthy test should always be “Is he a Christian?”
Look at what the Bible says in 2 Corinthians 6:14–16:
Don’t become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That’s not partnership; that’s war. Is light best friends with dark? Does Christ go strolling with the Devil? Do trust and mistrust hold hands? Who would think of setting up pagan idols in God’s holy Temple? But that is exactly what we are, each of us a temple in whom God lives. (MSG)
This passage is saying that when you choose to unite with a non-believer, it’s as if you’re setting up a pagan idol in God’s temple. That’s pretty serious stuff. I mean, God warns us against making idols and worshiping other gods in the Ten Commandments. In this case, opposites do not attract.
Dating a non-Christian may seem innocent. You may think that after a while you’ll win him over or that it’s just dating, not marriage, so it doesn’t matter. But this passage warns that you’re walking on dangerous ground when you choose to unite (even just for a few dates) with “those who reject God.”
You may think you can turn him into a Christian, but it’s more likely that he’ll pull you away from Christ. People don’t change just because you want them to. They only change if they want to. Talk to the guy about Christ. Invite him to your youth group. But don’t even think about giving your heart to him until he gives his heart to God.
You can call me old school, old-fashioned, a southern gentleman—whatever you want with this one, and it won’t offend me. No matter who a guy is or where he’s from, he should respect you.
Now, I could get a lot of flak for this, like I’m being sexist or whatever. Maybe. But what I know is that girls seem to be a lot more naturally respectful than guys. The way our society is, we just don’t teach guys to respect girls very well. So that’s why you need to weed out the ones who haven’t learned the lesson. And there’ll probably be a lot of weeding to do.
Everywhere a guy looks, people are telling him to act like a jerk. A lot of times guys are disrespectful because they think that’s how they’re supposed to act. They don’t want to seem like a sissy. They want to be a “man.” This doesn’t excuse it, of course, but it explains it a little. Just keep this in mind when some guy is being a real jerk to you. You shouldn’t put up with it. But you should also try to help him know that he doesn’t have to act that way to be a real man.
If you need a good example of how a guy should treat you, look at John 19:25–27. Jesus has just been beaten, stripped of his clothes, and nailed to a cross to die, and he is gasping for his last few breaths. Yet, at a time when he could be selfishly focusing on himself, look at where his focus is:
While the soldiers were looking after themselves, Jesus’ mother, his aunt, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene stood at the foot of the cross. Jesus saw his mother and the disciple he loved standing near her. He said to his mother, “Woman, here is your son.” Then to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” From that moment the disciple accepted her as his own mother. (MSG)
In his final moments on earth, not to mention at a point of extreme pain, Jesus was more concerned about his mother than himself. He wanted to make sure someone cared for her when he was gone. You may’ve heard people say that if you want to know how a guy will treat you, look at how he treats his mother. That’s a good suggestion. The way Jesus treated his mother was the way he treated everyone—he put their needs before his own. Watch how your guy treats the people around him—his parents, his friends, other people at your school—and you’ll get a pretty good idea of what kind of guy he is.
Consider these questions:
• Do you ever feel mistreated by a guy?
• Does he ever make you feel dumb after you’ve said something?
• Do you often say nothing because you’re afraid of being corrected?
• Has he ever abused you verbally or physically?
• Does he belittle or make fun of you for going to church, praying, or reading your Bible?
If you can answer yes to any of these questions, then you’re probably in a relationship where you’re not respected. And if you try to come up with a lot of reasons why the guy shouldn’t be blamed for being disrespectful to you—“He didn’t mean it,” “He said he wouldn’t do it again,” “I deserved what he did to me”—then you have a bigger problem: you’re not respecting yourself.
Any guy who dates you should realize it’s a privilege to date you. And he should treat you like he knows it. Remember, you’re a person of value to God—a person who is beautiful, good, and entrusted with reflecting his image to the world—and you should only spend time with people who see you that way. Too many girls start to believe they don’t deserve to be treated well—but that’s never true. Think about your list. I’m pretty sure you didn’t include something like “I want to spend the rest of my life with a guy who doesn’t respect me.” So why would you date one?
You may not be the one behind the wheel on a date, but you can be the one who takes control over where the guy drives. A lot of girls I’ve talked to have ended up in tempting situations because they never chose to take control and have conviction.
If you’re dating a guy whose character is in line with your list, then hopefully more times than not he’ll also be in line with your convictions. But let’s face it: there are times when even the best of guys has a brain freeze—and this usually occurs after he has consumed too many pieces of pizza or downed a little too much caffeine or has his mind on football, music, or Xbox. Really, it could happen anytime. In such cases, his ability to make rational and wise decisions may be somewhat impaired. Okay, maybe it’s not that bad, but there may be times when you need to take over the controls and encourage your guy in the right direction.
Sometimes even a great guy ignores what’s right and encourages you to follow him down a road you know could lead to trouble. That’s why it’s important for you to remember your convictions and always work hard to contain a potentially dangerous situation. Even in a relationship founded on godly convictions, there’ll be times when you have to take responsibility for what happens next. So stand up for what you know is right. Be ready to take control.
Be a woman of control and conviction by:
• never going to a party where there are drugs and alcohol
• never parking somewhere alone where you’ll be tempted to make a choice you’ll regret later
• never watching a movie, sitcom, or video that might affect your decision-making process in a negative way
Have you ever attended a party where there was drinking, smoking, or hooking up? So many teens say to me, “Well, I didn’t know it would be that kind of party!” Whatever. You can be a woman who rationalizes and makes excuses, or you can be a woman who makes a difference. More times than not, you know what’s going to happen at a party. Even if you and your date don’t get involved in any of the bad stuff that’s going on this time, the more you surround yourself with sinful things, the more likely it is you’ll do them sooner or later.
No, contrary to popular belief, WWJD does not stand for “We Want Jeffrey Dean.” (Well, maybe it’s not a popular belief with everyone, but some people have said it … I mean, I’m sure someone has …) Unless you’ve been living in a cave for the past few years, you probably know that WWJD stands for “What would Jesus do?” The WWJD bracelets were once a seriously popular accessory, but today the bracelet isn’t so fashionable. However, the WWJD acronym still represents an essential approach for you if you want to honor God in your dating life.
“What would Jesus do?” Do you ever think about that question when deciding who to date or what to do on a date?
Okay, it’s true Jesus didn’t go on dates. But he had plenty to say about staying pure and respecting other people and loving God before anything else—all important advice for dating as well as life in general. So you may not be able to open up one of the gospels and read about a teenage Jesus holding hands with his girlfriend or anything, but you can learn a lot from him that’ll apply to your dating life. Developing the habit of asking the WWJD question won’t necessarily mean you’ll always make the right dating decisions. But trying to approach the dating experience with the mind of Christ will keep you more focused on God’s desires and less on yours.
I know a girl who seems like the perfect package: beautiful, smart, athletic, godly … and single. One day she’ll make the perfect spouse. But for now she’s totally cool with going solo. She told me:
Why rush it? My life is great right now. I’m enjoying high school, sports, and just spending time with my friends. Dating usually just confuses everything, and I’m in no hurry for that.
Going solo is cool. You don’t have to date just because you’re a teenager and you feel like that’s what you’re supposed to do. In fact, choosing not to focus on guys frees you up to focus on:
• grades
• sports
• today’s nail color
• yourself
• your future
• learning to milk a cow (if you were all alone on an island with a cow, this would be important knowledge)
• family
• college
• today’s hair color
• friends
• just enjoying yourself, without all the dating drama
And the most important thing of all: you’ll have more time to develop your relationship with God. Guys will come and go, and maybe come and go again … and again. But your relationship with God is lifelong. And you never have to worry about him breaking up with you.
Oh, just one more thing. Getting closer to God will also help you know you don’t need a guy to feel complete. Only God can really make you feel that way. And the more time you spend depending on him—and not depending on a guy—the more you’ll start to really believe that.
Have your parents said you can’t date yet? If so, you may not agree with them. Yet they’re still your parents. And, as the Bible says, “Honor your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:12). (As if you’ve forgotten that verse.)
Instead of fighting with your parents, trying to convince them they’re wrong, or going behind their backs and doing it anyway, why not try another approach: Obey them. Honor their wishes. Rather than defy them, work to prove to them that you’re responsible and trustworthy.
I still remember double-dating with my best friend Louis when I was fifteen. Louis and I and our dates rode in the backseat of his parents’ car as they drove us to a movie and dinner. I’ll admit that, at the time, this seemed like dating suicide. But now I realize that Louis’s parents were just out to protect us. Going on a few dates with Louis’s parents helped me develop respect for the entire dating process. And once I started dating without a parent on board, I understood what a privilege it was to be given the trust of my parents—and to not be chauffeured around like a little kid.
You may not always agree with your parents’ wishes. But keep in mind, your parents have your best interest at heart. If you feel strongly that you’re ready to start dating, talk to your parents. Your willingness to discuss it with them respectfully and genuinely will show them you’re taking responsibility as a woman when it comes to dating God’s way.
And when they let you date, follow through with that promise of responsibility. Only go where you say you’re going. Only go out with guys your parents approve of. Come home by curfew. Call if you’re going to be late. Don’t ever give them a chance to regret letting you loose in the dating world.
don’t date a dork
When he picks you up, if he sits in the driveway and honks … let him stay there.
Prayer is a critical step to helping you establish and maintain healthy dating relationships that honor God. In Luke 22:40, Jesus challenged his disciples to “pray that you will not fall into temptation.”
This one isn’t for wimps. I’ll admit that a lot of teens I talk to tell me they choose not to apply this to their dating life. Though it may not be a popular point, I think it’s an essential one. Because prayer changes everything.
hit pause
Have you ever prayed with a guy before a date?
Why or why not? Does the idea of doing that sound reasonable to you … or just plain crazy?
The next time you start dating a guy, gather up all your courage and try these three things:
1. Pray before he picks you up.
2. At a restaurant, pray with him before eating.
3. As the relationship grows, let him know you pray for him and for your relationship with him.
As the relationship continues to mature, the hope is that he’ll see prayer as an important part of your life. The ultimate goal might be that the two of you pray together before you pull out of the driveway. When you do, get ready. Because one of two things will most likely happen:
1. You’ll freak him out, and he won’t want to go on a date again. If this is his reaction, then most likely he’s not the kind of guy you need to be dating. Better to find out now rather than five dates later when you’re really starting to like him.
2. He’ll show his true colors, proving that he is, in fact, a guy who loves Jesus. And he just may dig you all the more for loving the Lord too.
Praying with a guy on a date may not happen overnight. That’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up if this is a difficult step for you to take. Just continue to work toward the goal of being a girl who prays with her date.
Praying before a date begins will:
• set the tone for the date
• establish a God-centered foundation not only for the date but for the whole relationship
• send a powerful message to him that you want to honor God on your date
By the way, dating a Christian guy will make the praying thing a lot easier. Heck, if he’s a Christian, he might even initiate the prayer. But the thing that’ll make dating easiest (though not completely simple, because dating is never simple) is to let God guide you in every choice you make.
Most likely your future spouse is living somewhere on planet earth at this very moment. It’s also possible you don’t even know him. Remember, I didn’t meet my wife until I was in college.
Since it’s very probable your future spouse is alive, it’s also pretty possible he’s dating someone other than you right now. So ask yourself these questions:
a. What standard do I expect him to hold himself to while dating other girls?
b. Do I hope he’ll raise the bar of excellence in how he treats her?
c. Do I hold myself to the same standard I expect him to hold himself to?
d. Do I strive to raise the bar in how I treat a guy I date who just might marry someone other than me?
Write a letter to your future spouse, outlining the kind of relationship you hope to have with him one day when the two of you start dating and eventually get married.
Now, make a list of the godly character and qualities you’ll exhibit in your dating life with other guys and, eventually, with the one you’ll marry.
Make a list of the top characteristics you want your future spouse to have.
Write a prayer asking God to help you and your future spouse stay true to these desires.
