Vanessa arrived home to her daily standing ovation from Daisy and, in spite of everything, she found herself smiling. Daisy was so easily pleased. All Vanessa had to do was turn up and give her a bit of food and attention, and it was pure devotion twenty-four seven. She was a fluffy ray of sunshine, and Vanessa had no idea what she’d do without her.
Jackson and Lachie were in the living room playing AFL Evolution on the Xbox. It was after 9.30 pm but school holidays were starting tomorrow and they were too excited about the grand final to sleep anyway, so Vanessa let it slide. At least with AFL Evolution there was no warfare or car theft involved—although there was still plenty of conflict.
‘Free kick!’
‘That sucks!’
‘You suck!’
‘Shut up!’
‘Hi, boys.’
‘Hey, Mum.’
‘And he kicks a screamer!’
‘Ha, that was a clanger!’
‘Was not!’
‘Was so!’
As Vanessa watched Jackson cuff his younger brother, guilt stabbed at her like a knife again. Poor pubescent Jackson and his misguided ‘move’ on Nickie—no matter what he said, she knew it was her responsibility. Had her shenanigans with Marcus damaged his future love life irreparably? Hopefully not but, still, the sooner she gave him the good news the better.
‘Boys, can you turn that off for a sec? I’ve got something to tell you.’
‘Ball!’
‘Bull!’
‘Boys!’ Vanessa yelled. ‘I’ve got something to tell you.’
Jackson switched off the XBox.
‘Hey!’ Lachie protested.
‘Mum’s got something to tell us, idiot.’
‘What is it?’
They looked up at her with their grubby boy faces and her heart overflowed.
‘I just wanted you to know that I’ve broken up with Marcus.’
Lachie whooped with delight. ‘You’ve broken up? Sweet! Marcus is a tool.’
Jackson thumped him. ‘Shut up.’
‘It’s okay, Jackson—Lachie’s right.’ Vanessa looked into Jackson’s soulful grey eyes, determined to drive her point home. ‘Marcus is a big fat arsehole wanker.’
Jackson’s jaw dropped. ‘Mum!’
Lachie laughed his head off. ‘You swore!’
‘I know. And you know what else? He’s a nob.’
Both boys burst into guffaws and Vanessa chuckled along before she found herself sobering. It wasn’t fair to hang everything on Marcus.
‘But seriously, like I told you last night, it’s my fault too. No means no, and men should never ignore that word and women should never allow them to.’ She added for good measure, ‘If you want to know how to treat a woman, follow Dave’s example instead.’
Yes, watch how Dave treats Heather. Her eyes welled and she threw her arms wide. ‘Group hug?’
The boys shuffled into the embrace and Daisy jumped around their ankles, keen to be part of the love-in.
Lachie snickered. ‘Mum said nob.’
‘And wanker.’ Jackson sniggered.
‘And don’t forget arsehole,’ said Vanessa.
They all laughed together, and Vanessa had a sudden image of Dave sharing the moment. She pictured the two of them exchanging loving looks over the boys’ heads, and bleakness rushed at her like a wave. That ship had sailed. She tried to drag her head above water.
‘Love you, guys.’
‘Love you too, Mum …’ they mumbled in boyish embarrassment.
As Vanessa opened the kitchen bin to empty the vacuum cleaner, she glanced at the oven clock. It was 10.41 pm. She wasn’t quite sure why she’d started vacuuming at this hour. Maybe she’d been hoping that the noise of the vacuum cleaner would drown out her thoughts?
No such luck.
All night she’d been assailed by images of Dave and Heather holding hands at the movies and gazing at each other across candlelit tables. It was torture. She wished she could be big enough to feel happy for them, but it would probably take a few more lives before she became quite that evolved. Not that she believed in reincarnation, but still.
She bent to empty the vacuum cleaner, and was stunned to discover Joy’s tatty old panda discarded in the vegetable peelings. She leaned down for a closer look and found the Fame tickets ripped into pieces and her mother’s cherished pressed rose obscured beneath a snotty tissue.
Vanessa was aghast. Was this her fault? She hated to think her mum felt forced to throw out her most precious keepsakes. Vanessa took the panda out of the bin and brushed it off gently, and then she padded down the hall to Joy’s room. As she stopped in the doorway she caught her breath. Jack’s photograph was gone from the wall, his makeshift shrine had been dismantled, and Joy was blowing out the eternal candle. Her face was almost make-up free and the hair extensions she usually wore were lying like a dead ferret on the bed.
She turned and saw Vanessa. Their eyes met for a long, still moment, and then Joy smiled sadly. ‘You think I don’t know how ridiculous I’ve been?’
Vanessa’s heart broke for her. ‘Don’t say that. You’re not ridiculous.’
‘It’s all right …’
Vanessa gestured towards the dresser. ‘Mum, you don’t have to do this because of me. I’m a big girl, I chose to buy into it.’
‘No,’ Joy said gravely. ‘I should have done this a long time ago.’ She put the candle in her bottom drawer and closed it. ‘I heard you and Jackson talking last night, and I thought, what have I done? It’s rippling down the generations.’
‘Oh, Mum. Don’t say that.’
But Joy was clearly stricken. ‘I’m so sorry I lied about your father … I suppose the truth was too hard to bear.’
She sank down onto the bed. Vanessa sat beside her and took her hand and, for a moment, the only sound was silence.
‘I thought that if I could turn myself into the sexiest woman he knew, he’d stop looking elsewhere,’ Joy confessed out of the blue. ‘I bought every copy of Cleo and I devoured all those articles about how to keep your man happy in bed. I tried so hard, but it still didn’t work.’
Vanessa was lost for words. Was Joy’s whole ‘sex bomb’ persona a construct designed to keep a man who didn’t deserve her? A ludicrous picture popped into her head of her mother dressed like a straitlaced librarian. Was that the real Joy? Surely not.
‘And then, after Jack died, I suppose I didn’t know how to stop playing the sex kitten. Not that I haven’t enjoyed the attention.’ Joy allowed herself the ghost of a wicked smile. ‘But it wasn’t the attention I wanted.’
‘Dad didn’t deserve you,’ Vanessa heard herself say fiercely. ‘Where did he get off, cheating like that?’
‘It was my fault too—I turned a blind eye. If I was stronger I would have sent him packing.’
‘That’s victim blaming, Mum. He’s the one who was unfaithful.’
Joy smiled wearily. ‘But I’m the one who invented the fairytale, and now I’ve not only ruined my life but yours and Jackson’s too.’
‘No, you haven’t.’
But Vanessa could see that Joy didn’t believe her.
‘Are you happy, Nessie?’
Vanessa hesitated a fraction too long, and Joy dissolved into tears. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘It’s not your fault.’
‘But I pushed you to be with Marcus when my gut was telling me all along that Dave Rendall was the man for you.’
Vanessa was gobsmacked. But, then, why should she be surprised? Hadn’t her own gut been telling her the same thing, while she’d been consumed with trying to mould herself into the kind of woman that Marcus wanted? She and her mum were peas in a pod.
Joy nodded. ‘Oh, I tried to deny it—he doesn’t quite fit the picture, does he? But Marcus hasn’t made you happy and I’ve lost my darling Keith, and now poor Jackson’s in trouble over Nickie. We’re a romantically dysfunctional family, and it’s all my doing.’
But Vanessa knew that wasn’t true.
‘I’m an adult, Mum, and I’m the one who’s been carrying on with Marcus in front of the kids. And don’t worry too much about Jackson—we’ve had a chat and I’ve set him straight. He’ll be fine.’
‘Really?’
Vanessa nodded. ‘I promise.’
Joy exhaled with relief, then said anxiously, ‘But what about you?’
‘Marcus and I have broken up.’
Joy clutched at that news like a lifeline. ‘Then run to Dave! I think he loves you.’
‘It’s too late. He’s with somebody else.’
As despair settled over Joy’s face, Vanessa squeezed her hand. ‘It’s all right—I’ll be okay. We both will.’
But would they?
Vanessa and Joy sat hand in hand, surveying the bare dresser in silence. Their delusions had led them to a lonely future, and they had no one to blame but themselves.