part0023

It wasn’t like she actually needed to study or prep for her interview later today but she just couldn’t sit still. Every single time she closed her eyes and tried deep breathing, Charlie’s words came to haunt her.

It had been the longest few days of her life. Trying to keep this monumental mess from destroying her focus. Trying to do her best at work and not accidentally kill any patients or miswrite things in their charts. Trying to not think about why Charlie had broken up with her.

I mean, it was 2019. Did having sex one time really count as ‘being together?’

She wanted, so badly, to tell Meher and Shashi the worst of it but she knew it was a bad idea. Somehow, in some way, they’d be forced to choose sides and she didn’t want that. She didn’t want the group breaking up because she was not strong enough to face her own feelings for Charlie.

Not that feelings for Charlie was a problem anymore.

He had said goodbye to her. It was over between them. She could go to her interview and get the approval and leave this country and all its citizens behind with a clean conscience.

Then why did it feel like the worst idea in the world?

Every day, every day since that last disastrous time she’d seen Charlie, she wanted to call Charlie. Text him. Talk to him somehow. Tell him he was wrong. He was so wrong about her.

Her heart hurt for the lost boy he’d been. For the things he’d endured and given up in order to become the strong, passionate, amazing man he now was. Her heart ached for not having kissed him when she had the chance. Ten years ago and now.

But he wasn’t wrong about her.

Charlie knew the truth about her, more than anyone else. He knew the crazy pressure she put on herself to be perfect, to be successful, to repay her parents back for allowing her to pursue medicine and not force her to choose something less expensive and stressful.

Charlie knew, he’d always known, that when it came down to it, Anu wouldn’t be able to follow through for him. She wouldn’t be able to choose him. She was scared. She wanted a normal stable life. She wanted a man she could proudly show off to her family. One they would approve of.

She was a good girl.

Considering Charlie Thomas as a life partner was not something a good girl would do.

She was who she was and so Charlie had left her before she could leave him. No amount of justification in the world could fix this simple fact.

It sucked so horribly badly that she couldn’t share any of her doubts or fears or her justifications with Shashi and Meher. They would know what to say, how to make her see sense. Because, yes…she was beginning to think this was a mistake.

She could have her career and US and Charlie. If they could work it out. If he was willing to work it out with her. She’d given it a lot of thought over the last few days and she didn’t care, not really, if he was a wedding photographer or if he was broke. They could work it out if they wanted to.

All of this would require Anu to put her heart on the line and acknowledge all of the terrible things about herself in the first place. It would require her standing up to her parents and tell them what she was choosing.

Anu wasn’t sure she could do that, hurt her parents like that.

And they would be, unquestionably. Charlie was a dear boy for them, someone they felt sorry for and wanted to help. But the Harinandans would have a heart attack if Charlie Thomas turned out to be the one their daughter had chosen. And they might not say anything but they would be so disappointed in her…Anu didn’t know if she could bear it.

Because thinking about all of this from every possible angle depressed her, Anu flopped down on her bed. She contemplated the ceiling fan and willed it to help find an answer to her problems.

The fan just whirred on lazily while the afternoon sun shone brightly in the room.

Okay, this was not helpful at all. In fact, it was making her feel worse.

Anu sprang up from the bed and stretched. Maybe stretching out the kinks in her body would clear her mind. She worked on her quads and her hammie and did the deep breathing exercises. Her body felt limber, lighter. But her mind was still muddled.

And she was sweaty on top of everything else.

Just as she was contemplating taking a shower and maybe do a facial scrub routine, her phone rang.

It was her parents on video call.

Feeling less than enthusiastic, Anu answered the call.

“Anu, what are you wearing?” Her mother looked worried. “Don’t you have to get ready for your interview?”

Anu shrugged. “I’ll get ready in a little while. I’m exercising now.”

“Why?”

Anu shrugged again. “I needed the movement.”

“Don’t be nervous, kanna ,” her father chimed in, joining her mother on the screen.

They were both in the kitchen at home in Coimbatore – a large, sunny room with shiny steel vessels displayed in wooden cabinets and a full-scale cooking range occupying pride of place on the marble counter.

Anu’s parents had a modest bungalow in a posh residential suburb in Coimbatore which they had built with their savings and moved to last year when Harinandan retired. It was one of the reasons why Anu really loved having Shashi for a roommate – she wasn’t so alone with Shashi around. Even though her schedule was insane most days.

“I’m not nervous,” Anu said mechanically. And she wasn’t. Not really. Shashi and Meher had picked out her outfit the night before and Anu had ironed it.

“All your documents are in order, iliya ?” Appa asked. “Certificates and provisional admission letter from the university?”

Anu nodded. “Yes, Appa. I checked everything in the morning.”

“And you have Xerox copies also, don’t you?” Amma asked.

“Yes, Ma.” Anu ran a hand through her sweaty hair. “I have photocopies of everything. And I have mailed all the docs to myself and Shashi for backup.”

“And have you booked your cab already? You know how bad Mumbai traffic is.”

“Yes, I have. Everything is ready.”

“Very good.” Amma smiled and nodded approval. “You’ve always been such a responsible girl. We know you’re going to get your visa anyway but we wanted to check.”

“Thank you,” Anu said. “I appreciate it.”

“All the best, kanna ,” Amma said. “We’ll say goodbye now so you can get ready. Please light the velakku before you go and pray to the Amman, okay?”

“Wait,” Anu said.

“Yes?”

She was blank. There was nothing to talk to her parents about. All of the facts and logistics of today were already discussed. And they didn’t really talk about feelings as a rule so why start today. Right?

“Anu?” Appa prompted her. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes, of course,” Anu replied. “Everything’s fine.” Then she took a deep breath and said, “No. Actually it’s not. Everything’s not fine.”

Amma frowned. “Why? What happened?”

“I…” Anu sat down heavily. “I don’t want to get engaged and go to the US. That cannot be a condition of me going abroad to make my career.”

“But Shashi…”

“Shashi is a fool. And she’s made a huge mistake. I’m not going to repeat it,” Anu said firmly. “When I get married it will be because I want to. Not because of where I want to go or anything else.”

“We can discuss this later, Anu,” Appa said firmly. “It’s almost time for you to get ready for the interview.”

“Will you two just listen to me for a minute?” Anu bit out.

Amma looked alarmed and hurt. Appa’s face changed. It closed off, his eyes going remote. Just like the girls or her colleagues sometimes accused her of doing when she didn’t want to engage in a conversation. She was so like her father in some ways.

“Can this wait, Anu?” Appa asked finally.

“No,” Anu surprised herself by answering. “It can’t. I love you both so much but we need to talk about this now.”

“Talk about what?” Amma asked warily.

Anu took a deep breath and said the words she’d been afraid to say to her parents her whole life. “Talk about Charlie and what I feel for him.”

Ten minutes later, Anu felt absolutely clear-headed while she faced the stunned and devastated faces of her parents. Amma was softly crying while Appa just looked stonily at her.

“You can’t be serious, Anu,” Appa said again. “You can’t like Charlie Thomas, of all the pullaigal. He is…he is a wedding photographer, for god’s sake.”

“Yes,” Anu agreed. “He is. And a brilliant one. I don’t care what job he does, Appa. He makes me happy. Do you know how rare that is? I get to be myself with him. I am safe with him. He feels like home.”

“What are you talking about, Anu? He is home? He is a person. And he doesn’t have a steady job or any way of supporting you.” Amma said sadly, “Why, I’m sure he doesn’t even have a proper home in Bombay.” Her parents still called Mumbai Bombay as most South Indians did. “He must be sleeping on someone’s floor.”

Anu didn’t want to admit this point on her parent’s end but it didn’t take away from her bigger point. “He has a photo exhibition today evening. I am going to attend it. My visa interview can wait.”

Appa looked horrified and Amma cried harder. “What are you doing, Anu? Why are you destroying your future for a boy like Charlie? He’s so unreliable and difficult.”

Anu smiled, it felt good considering the turn this conversation had taken. “He isn’t a boy, Amma. He is a man. And he’s been taking care of his grandfather in Tanjavur for the last five years even after they treated his mom like shit. Just because he doesn’t fit your idea of the man I should be with doesn’t make him wrong for me.”

“But...he didn’t even finish school?”

“So did Mark Zuckerberg,” Anu reminded her father. “And he runs Facebook. Forget about Zuckerberg. PM Modi is just a graduate and he is running the country.” She grinned. “Okay, that’s a bad example too, but you see my point, don’t you, Amma, Appa?” she addressed both of them.

“A person’s education or his background don’t account for much if he isn’t a good man. If he isn’t a good friend. If he doesn’t take responsibility for his life. Charlie has done all of these things and he has done it with no adult support at all. I am so proud of him. You should be too.”

Anu felt tears well up in her eyes as she told her parents the truth. As she realized that this was the truth. Charlie was important. More important than her visa interview. Okay, he was as important as her interview.

And not being with him today, when the world would see his artistic talent and appreciate it was wrong. On every possible level.

“But…kanna ,” Amma tried one last time.

“Accept it, Amma,” Anu said, sniffing. “And be happy for me. Because, you know what? I am happy for me.”

She disconnected the call before they could further plead their case and warn her of how she was destroying her future. Anu knew then with a mental clarity she’d lacked probably all her life, that she wasn’t destroying her future. She was making it.

Anu was choosing it.

Her phone pinged with a social media notification. She thumbed it open. It was a new Faces of India post.

Her fingers trembled when she saw it.

Today’s subject was named Vasant Kaka. He was framed against crashing waves, the faded exterior of the lighthouse a perfect foil to his red tee shirt, green koli dhoti and nutbrown face.

The caption read: Vasant Kaka, lighthouse keeper. Airangal Beach.

Instantly, images of the day she’d met Charlie came back to her. The bus ride to the beach. The lighthouse silhouetted against the sky and sea. Charlie asking the beaming lighthouse keeper to pose in front of his place of work. Trying to get the exact angle.

She’d forgotten about the picture he’d taken that day, because of everything that happened after. She didn’t imagine, not for one second, that he could be could be running the most famous social media account in India right now.

That he wasn’t just a talented wedding photographer with a photo exhibit. He was a freaking famous and talented photographer with a photo exhibit.

Anu scrolled down and read the caption. Tears filled her eyes and kept falling down as she read each post again. Each post with millions of likes and thousands of comments. Each post that told a story, a story that Charlie, her Charlie, had found and unearthed when no one else in the world had thought to.

Her Charlie who called her a coward when he was the one who’d kept the biggest secret of them all.

Anu cried harder as she scrolled some more, torn between anger and pride so huge it spilled out of her in torrents of tears.

Finally, finally, when her vision cleared, she knew what she had to. She dashed out of her room, wiping tears and snot off her cheeks and nose. Holding her phone up like a flag.

She tried Shashi’s bedroom and it was empty.

Anu burst into the living room and found Shashi on the balcony.

Nothing registered in her brain as she cried, “Shashi, we have to go see Charlie now. We have to go see him now.”