I Got a Big, Fat “F”
Dear Friends,
This is the most embarrassing letter I’ve ever written. Then why do I write it? That’s what I’m wondering. However, it demonstrates that what we truly believe will be tested in some manner. The pattern of the flesh doesn’t give up easily, so the mind has to be renewed (Romans 12:2). Hurry up, mind! This is humiliating me.
In my last letter, I shared that on my morning watch the Lord gave me the pattern for my life: “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every Word that proceeds out of the mouth of God” (Matthew 4:4). Of course, we will never have the whole word revealed, but the part He does reveal is ours (Deuteronomy 29:29).
My recent challenge was to put others before myself, and I made a big, fat “F.” We are given three departments of possible failure: the world, the flesh, and the devil. This failure was definitely in the flesh department.
My big desire was to witness to my fellow teachers. Our only chit-chat time was lunch hour. I was waiting but not sure of the best approach. As I took my seat, I saw this was “special cake day.” And not just any cake, but my favorite cake. My gregarious appetite suddenly took control, and I hurried through my entrée so I could get to the good part (the cake) because all the pieces seemed to be small but one.
Sure enough, my faster eating habit paid off and the bigger piece was on my plate. But before I lifted my fork, a terrible thing happened. The scripture the Lord told me to live by that day came loud and clear, and I felt the Spirit say, “Ruth Ann, are you honoring others before yourself?”
I had never seen such a disgusting piece of cake. What’s more, I’d never seen such a vile person. I wanted to get my whippen’ over with and was ready to go to the woodshed. I started fumbling my apology to the Lord while the others were engaged in chit-chat. I wasn’t as spiritual as I thought. “Stupid! Dumb! Ignorant! All the above!”
But no matter what I called myself, I got no relief. I continued the conversation with my spiritual self and then I made a rash promise: “I’ll never do it again. I promise!” That’s a sure way to do it again. We don’t learn anything from vows.
I got no relief from my promise. In fact, it seemed like the Lord was my enemy. It seemed like I could hear Him saying, “I know you won’t do it again, because you’re going to tell them what you did.”
This seemed to me to be taking confession too far. I argued, “But they don’t even know it. Besides Lord, what would they think of You if they knew I was a weirdo? You know I’ve been carrying that Big Bible around, making a statement. In fact, that Big Bible got me in all this trouble!” The Lord didn’t seem at all worried about His reputation. Sure! He could handle it fine.
There was no negotiation, so as soon as there was a lull in chit-chat, I would “fess up.” Silence! Now is the time.
“I’m sure you’re all aware that the Lord is doing something new in my life, and I’m not handling it very well. I saw a big piece of cake and I took it before you on purpose. I’m sorry.”
Wouldn’t you think somebody would say something? Nothing! Having eaten their small pieces and my larger one still on my plate, they left the table one by one. “Now they’ll never know my heart! They probably think I’ll soon be preaching on the street corner with my Big Bible.”
I went back to my classroom, discouraged and defeated. “I probably blew the only chance I had to witness.” It wouldn’t do any good to tell the Lord, “Well, I didn’t kill anybody.” He wasn’t talking to me. Probably the Talking Bible was mad, too. I was afraid to touch it.
The same week I was standing at the drinking fountain. A second grader waiting for her turn fastened her eyes on me. I wanted to hide, but she wasn’t going away. “Are you Mrs. Polston?” A thousand voices in my head yelled, “The whole school is talking about you!” After I said, “Yes,” she said, “My teacher, Mrs. Seamore, was talking about you this morning.” As terrible as I felt, I couldn’t help but ask, “What did she say?”
“She asked the class if they knew what a Christian was. Some of us did and some of us didn’t.” Then she said, “If you want to see a Christian, look at Mrs. Polston.” I refrained from hugging and throwing her in the air. I ran to my room shouting “hallelujah” on the inside! The Talking Bible was looking good and God and I were friends; He loved me, and had not cast me overboard. Someone at the cake table caught it, and now they were breaking the rules, too.
There have been many “make or break” problems since the cake incident. We learn much from trial and error and nothing is wasted. We learn God’s track record of deliverance: He has (past) delivered, He does (present) deliver, and He will (future) deliver (2 Corinthians 1:10). “Even when we believe not, He abides faithful: He cannot deny Himself” (2 Timothy 2:13). He has too much invested in us.
I’m glad you’re still my friends. I just hate rejection.
Love,
Ruth Ann
p.s. I think the cake was a double-layer chocolate!