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We walked back down the beach in companionable silence, holding hands and walking along the edge of the water because Seraphina seemed to enjoy having her feet in the ocean and I would never deny her that pleasure.
I hadn’t meant to be sulky at the restaurant. I found it pathetic that I couldn’t just allow myself to enjoy being with her. Pip was one of the good guys and I’m sure he hadn’t meant anything; he was just being his usual charming self. Despite my ability to rationalize it, I still couldn’t stop myself from being triggered by any perceived threat. It was self-sabotaging behavior, and it would end up driving her away, but I just couldn’t help myself. As much as I didn’t want to talk about it, I knew I would have to explain why I was the way I was if I was going to stand any chance with her at all.
“I need to talk to you,” I told her, interrupting her from humming away to herself as she made footprints in the wet sand.
She stopped and looked at me, her face full of concern. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong. Come and sit with me a while.” I led her to a bank of logs at the back of the beach that had washed in with the last storm and pulled her down onto the warm sand so we could sit together.
I could see by the way she was watching me she was concerned about what I was going to say. It was very apparent I wasn’t the only one who was insecure. I’d witnessed her lack of confidence before the weekend, and I didn’t want to give her any reason to worry. “I just need to tell you some things about me, and why I am the way I am.”
She nodded, and I noticed she looked a bit more relaxed. She deliberately turned to face me to show me she was listening. Her body language always fascinated me because it was so contrived. It was almost as if she had to think out everything she did. It was things that most of us did without thinking but, with Seraphina, it was clear she had to consider how she should react in any given circumstance. No wonder she was constantly exhausted.
Right now, I assumed she was thinking, ‘Milo wants to tell me something, so I need to show him I’m listening. I do this by turning to face him and looking at him.’ I knew this about her because she’d told me a little about having to re-learn things like this, how to react to people, how to make sure your face matches what you’re feeling, that kind of thing.
“I want to tell you why I stopped having normal relationships with people and started seeing escorts instead.”
“It’s because someone hurt you really badly and you didn’t trust anyone else not to do that again.”
I nodded, a little startled that she’d worked that much out. “That’s right. How did you know?”
She shrugged. “I knew there had to be something more to the escort thing than just convenience.”
I shot her a wry smile. “That easy to read, am I?”
“I know what hurt looks like. I’ve been hurt too. It leaves a mark.”
I stared at the breaking waves. I wasn’t sure if hurt was the emotion I’d experienced when Hailey had left me. It had been more of an intense anger, a rage that had burned a hole in my heart so deep that I didn’t even know how to go about fixing it. But it was unfair to blame Hailey for the way I was. No, this was something that had been percolating in me for years, stemming all the way back to my parents.
Hailey had been everything I’d thought I needed. She was beautiful and ambitious, and she had just started making a name for herself in the modeling business. Had I been a little more focused on her personality and a little less enchanted with her looks, I might have seen that her ambition came with a hefty price tag. She was hungry for success, and that hunger fed the ruthless side of her personality.
I’d been out of college for two years and my web software company had suddenly taken off. Money had been flowing freely, and Hailey had loved helping me spend it. It had worked for me because as long as I was spending copious amounts of money on her, she hadn’t complained about the twenty-hour workdays I was having to put in.
We’d been together a little over a year when I’d made a crucial business mistake and it had looked like I might lose everything I’d built. It had been a stressful time, all caused by inexperience and some bad advice, but in forty-eight hours she’d gone. The one person I thought I could rely on to support me through my darkest days hadn’t given a shit. Obviously, an impoverished scientist had not been nearly as attractive to her as a wealthy business owner. I had no longer been useful to her, and she had cut me off completely.
“So, there I was. I had a business that was going nuclear, and my girlfriend left me without a second thought.”
“I’m not surprised you were so hurt,” she whispered. “What did you do?”
“I put my back to the wall and worked non-stop for a week with little sleep. When she left, I was determined my business would not go under as well; it was all I had left. It gave me the resolve to pull it back from the brink and I’ve never looked back.” I thought for a moment and then added, “Trouble is, I’ve never since felt that I could take my hands off the wheel. I know I micromanage everything, but I can’t help it.”
“And you hate it. I can feel it. You need to let go.”
“That’s the problem. I can’t let go. I’m afraid if I do, it will all just disappear in a puff of smoke.”
She looked thoughtful for a moment. “Have you ever talked to anyone about it?”
“I’m talking to you now,” I said bluntly.
“You know I don’t mean that. I mean, have you talked to a counselor?”
I sighed and rubbed my face. Just the thought of unpacking all the crap I’d been holding onto over the years made me feel panicky. “I can’t do that, Seraphina. I can’t talk to people. It’s not just all the stuff about Hailey, it’s also my family and what they did. Christ, it would take years to unpack everything I’m carrying around. I don’t have the strength to do that.”
She took my hand in hers and offered no comment, then crawled between my legs and snuggled into my chest, holding me as tightly as she could. I knew what she was doing. When she was feeling overwhelmed, she liked the sensation of being held tight, and now she did that for me, trying to ground me; trying to heal me. She was the most naturally giving person I’d ever met, so much so it was painful sometimes. I wasn’t used to anyone caring for me in this way, and I was afraid of getting used to it.
She pulled back and smoothed her thumbs over my forehead as if she were trying to remove the stress lines. “I’m not like Hailey,” she told me.
Of course, I didn’t think she was like Hailey. She was about as far removed from Hailey as anyone could be, not just physically but in her whole make up. Seraphina was sweet and kind and thought of others before herself. Hailey was vain and selfish and probably continued to be so. “I know that. I just wanted you to know where I’m coming from. How hard it is for me.”
“It’s hard for me too, Milo. I guess we just have to learn to trust one another.”
I shivered, as if my body was trying to shake off the memories of the past. “Just be patient with me, sweetheart. I told you when I met you, I can be an ass. Don’t give up on me.”
She looked comically annoyed. “Do I look like a quitter?”
I laughed at her expression. “No, nothing like a quitter.”
“Lucky for you, you’re gorgeous and good in bed,” she said, pushing my shoulder playfully. “I might keep you just for that.” And with that, she got up and took off down the beach at a trot, knowing that I’d chase her.