It had to be now. Kelsey couldn’t wait until she was back in a regular room. She wanted to get it over with.
If only they didn’t watch so closely in ICU. At least the nursing staff seemed a little smaller at night. Or spread a little thinner. All she had to do was wait, even if it took days. Or nights.
She slept enough in the daytime so she could stay awake at night, and watch. And when she saw a chance, she would have to move fast, before anyone came.
They must have known what she had done earlier. Why did they give her a cubicle with a window? Was it the only one available? Or did they want to see if she would try it again? If she did, and failed, what would they do? Tie her to the bed?
Velda said the ICU was one floor higher than she had been that other time. She couldn’t see out of the window to know what was down there. Maybe a parking lot. That would be good. Nice hard pavement.
She wondered if it would hurt. It hadn’t the first time, when she hit, but then it did. She had been too shocked at first. She’d expected to die instantly.
Did she really want to do it?
She had to. She couldn’t live with the memory of that night. In spite of what the policeman said, it was not going away and it never would. She began to cry.
She didn’t know how long she cried before Velda came with a tissue.
“Poor little sweetie,” Velda said. “Try to think of positive things. Let’s see, now. How about college? You could probably start there in January. I know it looked nicer when we saw it last spring, but you’ve never been afraid of winter. And it will get to be spring in just a few months.”
Kelsey closed her eyes. She couldn’t bear all that cheerful talk. And she wasn’t going to college anyway. She was going out that window as soon as she had a chance.
What if she got all her tubes out, and managed to hop over there, and the window wouldn’t open? She needed a backup plan. But she couldn’t think of anything else she could do in a place like this. And she wasn’t going to wait until she was out of it. She would just have to break the window, if she could find something to do it with. And then she would have to move really fast because the noise would bring them running.
Her eyes were closed. She didn’t hear what Velda was saying. And finally she did go to sleep.
She woke when Velda said goodbye.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, sweetie. I hope you have a good rest. Maybe tomorrow they’ll take some of those tubes out. I don’t think you need them.”
Kelsey didn’t think so either. Maybe they only did it so they could charge more.
She tried to sleep again. It wasn’t dark yet. Velda left because she wanted to see her husband now and then. Kelsey found she couldn’t sleep, and stopped trying.
What if the window didn’t open? What would she do? She could get back in bed but she couldn’t replace the tubes. You couldn’t do that by yourself. It required special know-how. She didn’t think she could explain it.
They would know, of course. She didn’t need to explain and maybe she just wouldn’t. She would close her eyes and stay silent. They would tie her to the bed. They would never trust her again, but she would find a way. They couldn’t keep her in the ICU forever.
A nurse came in with a snack. Lime Jell-O. Lime was Kelsey’s favorite flavor, but not tonight. She was too impatient. She only wanted to get it over with. Already she could feel herself staggering across the floor. Or hopping. She would have to do it that way, but not much of it. There was hardly any space to cover. The cubicle was barely wide enough for the bed and chair and for someone to walk around the bed. The aides and nurses and whoever else had to, mostly Velda.
She might have to wait until she was out of the cubicle, but she didn’t want to. She wanted it over with, once and for all.
She lay thinking of what she would do if she couldn’t open the window. She thought for a long time and didn’t come up with anything. When she woke up from that, it was fully dark outside. She wished she had a clock.
A nurse was sitting at the desk. They always were. At some point that nurse might get up and go to the bathroom. People had to do that sometimes.
The desk, of course, was lit. Kelsey saw her pick up the telephone and talk. Her lips moved. Kelsey’s door was closed and her own room was semi-dark, with light coming in from the desk area. She saw a male nurse come in and talk to the girl at the desk. That made at least two of them on duty. She would have to wait until she got out of ICU, but she continued watching. Just to be sure.
The male nurse left the desk. She saw him enter another cubicle. She wondered how many cubicles there were. It looked like six. They probably put her in ICU because the windows didn’t open. Or maybe to watch her.
The male nurse left his patient and entered another cubicle. A light went on. He came to the door of it and summoned the desk nurse. The nurse got up and went into the cubicle with him,
Now was her chance!
She was of two minds. She mustn’t waste her chance, but what if it wasn’t long enough? How would she explain?
She would have to hurry. She ripped the adhesive off the hand where the tube was. She tore off the whole bandage and pulled out the tube. It hurt like blazes but she didn’t care. This was her only chance.
Did she really want to do it?
She asked herself that but didn’t stop getting ready. She pulled out the lower tube, the one that drained her urine. That was easier.
She sat up. She had more energy than she’d expected.
There was that railing that kept her in bed. She still didn’t know how to lower it but she wiggled her way down until she was past it. She put her feet on the floor and tried to stand.
God that hurt. She sat back down on the bed.
The window was so close she almost didn’t need both feet. She grabbed the wheeling table, took one hop, and she was there.
The window was three floors up. They hadn’t bothered to close the blind. She stuck her head under it. The window had handles, one on each side, just like the one downstairs. She took one in each hand, in spite of her shoulder, and lifted.
It wouldn’t go up. She studied the lower sash, where there would be a lock. She didn’t see any lock.
My God, she was falling!
How did she get out? She had no memory of getting out, but she was falling, falling.
She looked down. There was the policeman, waiting for her. He had told her not to do this, but she kept falling, on into the night. Would he catch her? She tried to scream, but no sound came.
Falling, falling. She closed her eyes.
A male voice said, “Hey! What are you doing? Sam!”
She wasn’t Sam. Who was? One of the people who raped her? Strong arms picked her up and put her on the bed. She heard them talking, the man and Sam. Sam was a woman, the nurse at the desk. They talked to each other and to her. She paid no attention. She didn’t want to engage in conversation.
The man’s face was in her face. It forced her to open her eyes. He looked Chinese. Or maybe Filipino.
“What were you doing?” he asked.
What could she say? She didn’t even think. “Just trying to kill myself.”
“Why?”
“I didn’t want to live.”
Why did she put it in the past tense? Didn’t want to.
“Why not?” he asked.
She closed her eyes again so she wouldn’t have to look at his questioning face.
But he deserved an answer, so she gave it to him.
“They raped me.” Her voice was weak. “Some boys from my school. I was drunk.”
“That’s no reason. They shouldn’t have done that.”
“No.” She knew they shouldn’t have. But they didn’t know it. They were drunk, too, but that was no excuse. Everybody said it wasn’t.
The nurse left and came back with something in his hand. “Does it hurt?” he asked. He spoke with an accent. She hadn’t noticed it before.
“Yes,” she said. “Everything hurts.” What was he going to do about it?
He held out a little plastic cup. Two pills were in it. He said, “Try these. One of them will help with the pain. The other will help you sleep.”
She took the cup and studied the pills. He waited, very patiently.
What would they do to her? He said it would help with the pain and help her sleep. Wasn’t that good?
She took one. He held a glass of water in his other hand. She took that, too, and swallowed the pill. Then the other pill.
She did it, even though she was afraid to sleep. It was too much like death. She had almost died, but the window wouldn’t open. She had thought she was falling, but it was only a dream.
“Have a good sleep now.” He adjusted her bedding and left.
He was nice. They were all nice. Everybody in the hospital. She wished she could stay there forever.
* * * *
Rick Falco had the day off. Ordinarily he would have spent a lot of it sleeping but he couldn’t help thinking of that girl in the hospital.
Had he talked her out of attempting suicide? She couldn’t do much in intensive care but he wanted to see her again.
He couldn’t wear his uniform when he was off-duty. They might not let him in without it. But he had his badge. That could work. It would have to.
He took his time. A nice long shower; a debate over what to wear. He had never had any doubts before. He was behaving like a female. He ate a leisurely breakfast of Cap’n Crunch. Maddie had told him he shouldn’t eat it, it had too much sugar. What the hell, they all had sugar. He had gone up and down the supermarket aisle, reading the ingredients, and found only one that didn’t have sugar either in it or on it, usually both. But he liked Cap’n Crunch, so he bought it. This was his day off. He deserved a treat.
By the time he finished and washed his dishes, it was after nine o’clock. He hoped it would be the same nurse as yesterday. He had persuaded her to let him into ICU and he didn’t want to start all over again with someone else. Like as not, he would have to.
Maddie would be in school. He didn’t dare call her there, but he would have liked some company. He went out to his car and drove to the hospital.
* * * *
Kelsey slept. She didn’t know how long she slept because she didn’t have a clock. In her previous room, there had been one on the wall, but not here. She could tell the time only by meals, and breakfast came very early.
This time they gave her oatmeal. Was that supposed to be an improvement? She ate as much as she could, then settled back and closed her eyes.
When she opened them, someone was out there, talking to the desk nurse. He wore a blue shirt and he looked familiar.
The policeman. The one who had pushed back her hair. She felt her face turn hot and closed her eyes again. He wouldn’t be coming to see her.
She heard the doorknob turn. He was coming in. She opened her eyes and wished she felt cleaner. She hadn’t had her morning sponge bath.
“Hi!” He smiled. It was an adorable smile.
“Kelsey,” he said. “That’s your name? Kelsey? When I was in grade school they had a dental team that came around and checked our teeth. Dr. Kelsey. I remember that. But with you it’s a first name, right? And your last name is Fritz.” He pulled over the chair and sat down right next to her.
He rested his hands on his knees and said, “I heard they found you on the windowsill last night.”
Again her face flushed. She could feel it, even her eyelids. Of course, the nurse would have reported it. And the desk nurse had to tell him.
She got her mouth to open, and said, “I was dreaming.”
“Oh. That’s what happened?”
She couldn’t tell whether he believed her. But she had been dreaming that she fell. She hadn’t dreamed about getting to the window.
She looked him straight in the eye, those deep green eyes. “I dreamed I was falling. Then somebody grabbed me.”
“But you wanted to fall,” he said.
“I was at the sill. Must have fallen on top.”
She didn’t know what she was saying. She only knew she’d been terrified to find herself falling. What if she’d hit the pavement below and hadn’t died instantly? She would have felt everything. It could happen.
“Kelsey.” He took her hand and held it in both of his. She looked at it and blinked. They hadn’t put back the tube. All she saw was a single Band-Aid where the tube had been.
“They didn’t put back my tube,” she said, and looked up. An IV bag hung above her. It wasn’t attached to anything.
“Do you want it?” he asked.
“Not really. I thought I needed it.” Were they trying to kill her? Because they thought she wanted to die?
She remembered his tender touch. And he said she was beautiful. Did he mean it? He couldn’t have. Because she wasn’t. She took a deep breath and tried to stop her tears, but she couldn’t.
“Kelsey!” He grabbed a tissue from the box on her table and wiped her eyes. It made her cry harder.
“Kelsey, I told you. It doesn’t matter about them. The DA’s office is working up a case. Those guys will go to trial and probably to jail. And you will be free. So don’t give them another thought. Look ahead, not back. Look at your whole life in front of you, just waiting to be lived and enjoyed. Can you do that? This was only one thing. It’s not the end of the world. Put it behind you where it belongs.”
“I . . . can’t.”
“Yes, you can. It might take a while but you can do it. You have some glorious adventures ahead of you. You’ll start college.”
“I don’t . . . want . . .”
“You don’t want what?”
“College.”
“Well, then, you don’t have to go. But you might decide you do want it. You’ll get stronger every day. Think about that, not about what happened at the Brandons’ house.”
How did he know where it happened? Because everybody knew. Maybe someone told him.
She asked, “Will I have to testify?”
“You don’t have to,” he said. “But it sure would help. You might not remember much.”
“I remember some. And the next day I had blood.”
“Were you a virgin?”
What could she say? “Before that—yes.”
“That would explain the blood. You were probably hurt, too. But that’s all over and it won’t happen again.”
It shouldn’t have happened at all. She shouldn’t have gotten drunk.
But she did, and it happened. She could still remember it. More than she wanted to. It was brutal, but it was over, just as he said.
Could she testify?
He said it would make it easier to prove their case. How could she prove how drunk she was?
Maybe she didn’t have to prove it. Just stick to the truth. Tell them exactly how it was. She was mostly in a fog and that was the truth.
“Will you help me?” she asked, surprising herself.
“I’ll help you with anything you want.”
“If I testify—will you help me?”
“I can help you get ready. I can’t help at the trial itself. That’s not allowed.”
“If you help me, I can do it.”
“Good, then. We’ll work on it.” He looked over at the window. The one that looked out on the desk. “Uh oh. I see they want me to leave. I had a big argument just to get in here and I don’t want to push it.”
He put the chair back, like yesterday. For a moment, he stood looking down at her. “Kelsey,” he said. Then he bent over and kissed her cheek.
He tossed her another kiss as he walked out the door. He actually kissed her. Someone did that who wasn’t family. It was the first time ever. My first kiss. She touched her cheek where his lips had touched it.
Velda came in and kissed her forehead. That was family. It didn’t count. “How’s my sweet little sister?”
“Okay,” said Kelsey.
Velda pulled the chair over and rummaged in her purse. “I brought some more pictures of what I’m working on.”
Kelsey asked, “How can you work on anything when you’re always here?”
“In the evening. For a while. I have to tell you, it’s not going very fast right now.”
Kelsey looked at the pictures, not bothering to see them. She could not have been less interested. “Is my leg broken?”
Velda put away her camera. “Not your leg, your hip. It has a hairline fracture.”
“Can I walk on it?”
“With crutches, maybe, but you shouldn’t yet. Why? Do you want to walk?” Velda looked hopeful.
“Around in the corridor, the way you said.”
“We can do that as soon as you’re a little more healed. And when you’re out of ICU. That should be soon. I don’t think they keep people in here very long.”
Kelsey closed her eyes.
It was that kiss that did it. The policeman’s kiss. She didn’t think he meant it in a sexy way. It was only that she didn’t repel him. He actually seemed to like her.
Because he doesn’t know me, she thought
But it was more than that. He said she was beautiful. That she had an ethereal quality. He really seemed to like her.
So maybe she was likeable. At least to some people.
She could never forget what happened to her, but she was determined to heal. She would walk again. A hairline fracture wasn’t much.
She opened her eyes. Velda was still there.
“Will you do something?” Kelsey asked.
Velda beamed. “I’ll do anything.”
“Will you tell Mt. Holyoke that I can’t come this semester, but next year I will. I think I’d rather start in the fall when other people are starting, rather than January. Can you do that?”
“I’ve already done it, sweetie, but I did tell them January. I can change that.” Velda kissed her again.
All those kisses in just one hour. Or was it two?
She liked the policeman’s kiss better.