Grace pulled into the Agrarian after a journey that was fuelled partly by anger and partly by grief. Dan had been adamant they split.
She felt a degree of relief – relief it hadn’t been her who called it, and relief that she no longer had to keep secrets about who she really was.
She’d called ahead, given Shannon a brief summary of events and asked for a place to stay that night.
Shannon’s house was in a walled compound behind the main office. Grace pulled up outside the gate and sat for a moment in the silence of the car, turning over the keyring photo of her and Remy in her fingers – Funland, the two of them laughing.
Grace got out of the car when Shannon appeared at the gate, and was swept up in a hug and bustled into the house. In the living room, the two older kids and Shuggie were playing a game on the main screen, the three of them shouting. Grace didn’t know if it was at the screen or at each other, but it seemed good-natured enough. The youngest two were sitting at the table nearby, eating toast and watching something on a small shell propped up in front of them.
When he saw Grace, Shuggie smiled and said, ‘Right, kids, that’s enough for today.’ They groaned, but he switched the screen off and the older ones disappeared. ‘Come on, you two,’ he said to the younger kids. ‘Mum’s going to have a chat with Aunty Grace.’ He herded them up the stairs. Grace watched her friend smiling after them and felt a brief, sharp stab of loss and longing.
The sounds of Shuggie putting the kids to bed gradually faded as the two women sat drinking AltCon on the sofa.
‘So it’s my fault that Remy is where he is, and that Dan’s kicked me out,’ she finished. She leaned into Shannon’s embrace and let herself sob.
When Grace lifted her head again, she said, ‘I’ve lost it all, Shan, everything. I can’t help those poor people at Tier Four and I can’t even come back to Tier Two. What am I going to do?’
‘You’ll find another job, doll,’ Shannon said kindly.
‘My mum…’ Grace said, trying to catch her breath. ‘My mum…’
‘What about her?’ Shannon asked gently.
‘I couldn’t help my mum… I couldn’t save her.’
Shannon put down her glass. ‘What do you mean?’
‘My mum, she… died in prison. I was with her. It was back when they used to lock kids up. They didn’t have places like the Agrarian then. She stole some money… addict… but she was a good mum. She loved me…’ She clenched her fists.
Shannon shook her head. ‘You never told me any of this.’
‘If people knew, then they would judge me, they wouldn’t let me work in the system. How could I ever have got a job with the Department of Justice if I’d admitted that? And Remy… I couldn’t tell Dan, because…’ She sniffed hard.
‘Why is Remy so important to you?’
Grace took a moment to calm her breathing.
‘Our mothers were best friends. When my mum died, Remy’s mum took me in and brought me up as her own.’
‘Oh, Grace…’
‘And now Dan thinks I’m having an affair with Remy.’
‘But you’re not?’
‘No! We grew up together. It’s not like that.’
‘Oh God, Dan rang up the other night looking for you. He said there was some emergency at work and asked if I knew where you were. I told him I didn’t. I’m sorry.’
‘You weren’t to know.’
‘Why can’t you just tell him what you told me? He’ll believe you,’ Shannon said. ‘Tell him. He’ll understand.’
Grace wasn’t sure she needed Dan to understand her any more.
‘I don’t think he will. He thinks I don’t want a baby because of Remy.’
Shannon’s eyes searched her face.
Grace paused before she finally said, ‘I had a termination when we were first married. I didn’t tell Dan because when I found I was pregnant, I wanted to check everything was okay first. We hadn’t planned it. I was going to get balloons and make a card out of the scan to show him when he returned, because even though I was afraid, I knew he’d be so happy. Anyway, I went to the screening clinic and I found out’ – she swallowed hard – ‘that my baby had the violence pattern genes.’
Shannon sighed heavily. ‘I get it now.’
‘How could I bring a child into this world, knowing what would happen to him or her if that violence got out of hand, knowing now what happens in Tier Three? It’s even worse than I imagined. So many conditions can be managed with gene therapy and manipulation, but not that one.’ She sniffed hard. ‘You know what’s expected. The doctor assumed I wanted a termination. I knew what could happen to my child when he grew up, so I went along with it.’
‘Oh God, I’m so sorry, Grace.’
‘I couldn’t tell him, Shan. I thought I loved him too much, but now I think I was just protecting myself.’
‘You could get pregnant again and the baby might be fine…’
‘I can’t. I can’t go through that again. And my mum… I felt that she’d abandoned me… left me all alone in the world. It messed my head up…’
‘Look, you have to tell Dan all of this. He’ll understand. He loves you, Grace. He’ll get it.’
‘I don’t want to! I don’t want to tell him anything! He doesn’t love me. He’s gone snooping in my work, he doesn’t trust me and he’s put my safety at risk for a bloody news report.’ She wiped her eyes. ‘How can I talk to him about Remy without telling him about my whole past? He has no idea who I really am. How can he love me if he doesn’t know me?
‘Look at me, Shan. I’ve lost my job, which gave my life meaning. I’ve lost my husband. Even Remy, who did so much for me when we were kids, is lying in biostasis, some reel of a horrendous crime playing over and over in his head and he’s not even guilty…’
She stood up. ‘I’ve got to do something.’
Shannon stood up too, a concerned expression. ‘It’s getting late, Grace. Have a drink and a rest. There’s plenty of time to deal with this tomorrow.’ She rubbed her friend’s back. ‘Stay here, I’ll put the twins into one bed. They won’t mind, they usually get in together anyway.’
Grace glanced at the wall clock. It was nearly ten o’clock. At midnight, the security systems would automatically update and her bio-security wouldn’t work any more. She had to reach Janus before then. ‘I need to go to him…’
Shannon smiled and nodded. ‘Yes, that’s a good idea. Go to Dan. Go and sort it out. He’ll listen, he’ll understand…’
‘No, I don’t mean Dan. I mean Remy.’
Five minutes later, Grace was driving out of the compound and back to London. She sped down the dark country roads, past the wind turbines which loomed over the dark fields like ghostly sentinels.
She had no idea how she was going to get Remy out of Siberia. She’d have to figure it out when she got there. It would be quiet in the clinic now. She was pretty sure she could get past the security guards on the doors, and once inside, there wouldn’t be many members of staff. But it would only be a matter of time before it was widely known that she wasn’t welcome any more, that Conrad had sacked her. God, just the idea shook her up. Sacked? All that effort she’d made to better herself, to get away from her past, rise up out the mire.
Part of her past had come back and ruined everything that she’d worked so hard to build up. And now it was time to deal with it.
Abigail stood by Remy’s bed, gazing down on him. He was good-looking, his square jaw and Roman nose with high cheekbones gave him a strong look. She didn’t feel creeped out by Siberia like other members of staff claimed they did. The sound of the beds rolling and the gentle lighting calmed her. In fact, for Abigail, it was the perfect place to think.
She’d finished shaving his head and replaced his mask over his eyes. People’s eyes fascinated her. She often wondered what was going on behind them, what made people tick, why they felt the way they did about things. Humans were so fascinating.
For instance, Grace Gunnarsson – why was she so obsessed with him? Why had she chosen him over all the other possible offenders? What was it about Remy, about Grace? She couldn’t understand it.
She turned to go. She’d been at work long enough for one day, but Conrad seemed grateful she’d cleared up the mess in the clinic. The cleaners had done a lot, but they wouldn’t be able to figure out where the various items of medical kit belonged. Nor would they be able to ascertain if anything had been stolen. She wasn’t certain yet, but the drugs cabinet seemed less full than it had been that morning.