I rinsed my mouth and spat into the sink. Mechanically I spread toothpaste on my brush and started cleaning my teeth. I made sure to scrub my tongue too, trying to get rid of the sour throw-up taste.
For a week now I’d been throwing up every morning. I’d been careful about not making a fuss and cleaning up afterward, but I had the sinking feeling that Sophie had noticed anyway.
I’d been praying it was just the flu lingering, but it was time to stop fooling myself. I was pregnant.
My shoulders sagged with the weight of my burden. What was I supposed to do with a baby when I could barely take care of myself?
Worse, it was Mike’s baby, or one of those other guys. They might come back wanting the baby.
They can’t have her. I didn’t know where that thought came from, but it was seared into my brain. No matter what happened, I couldn’t let them have my baby.
I knew that, even though I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to have a baby at all. There were things I could do. Sophie would help me.
The baby could be flushed out of me. It would be like I’d never got pregnant, never made the mistake of getting on that motorcycle with Mike.
But I had. It felt wrong somehow to pretend any different.
Maybe I should give up my baby for adoption. It wasn’t her fault I couldn’t take care of her. Without money or a way to support her, it was foolish of me to keep her. She could have a better life than I’d had.
But thinking about giving her up to strangers scared me. What if they turned out to be bad people? Bad people knew how to put on a good front. I couldn’t risk my baby getting picked by people who’d hurt her.
Yet what if I couldn’t love her? What if she looked like her father?
My insides twinged, thinking about a baby Mike. I never wanted to see any of those bikers again.
The face of Dominic popped into my head. If the baby had been his… But he’d just been being friendly. He didn’t like me the way a man liked a woman.
I straightened my shoulders. Staring at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I made my baby a promise that no matter what happened, I’d do the best for her that I could. I didn’t know how things were going to work out, but I’d figure out something. I had to.
Sophie was rinsing out the breakfast dishes when I returned to the kitchen. She glanced at me, her eyes curious. “I’m getting ready to go to the store now. You stay here and rest if you need to.”
My throat got tight with emotion. She deserved to be told what was going on with me, but she hadn’t asked, wasn’t pushing me at all. She’d been that way ever since she took me in. Despite being ready to listen to anything I had to say, she didn’t pry at all.
She might feel different when she found out I was pregnant. It would be devastating if she changed after she realized how stupid I was. I couldn’t tell her yet, not until I figured out what I was going to do. It was my problem, not hers.
“I’ll be over as soon as I get the vacuuming done,” I said quickly.
She nodded, a crease in her brow, and left without saying anything else. I lugged the vacuum cleaner out of the closet. It was an old Kirby that weighed nearly as much as I did. I’d never much liked housework before, but it could be kind of soothing to do something repetitive that didn’t require any thought. Not that I ever put much thought into anything, at least according to Mama.
I uncoiled the cord and plugged the vacuum into the wall. Remembering how Mama criticized me sent a hot spurt of rebellion licking up my spine. Mama wasn’t right about everything. Otherwise she’d never have taken up with Biter. But I wasn’t going to think about him. I had to figure out something for my baby.
The vacuum roared, blocking out the birds tweeting and the occasional truck driving down the road. Baby. Baby. I moved the recliner and sucked up all the crumbs from Sophie’s Cheetos. Baby. Baby.
I moved the coffee table too, and found that earring Sophie had been looking for. Baby.
Glowing from the exertion, I finished up the vacuuming. But I still hadn’t come up with any plans.
Probably because I was too stupid. The nagging feeling hit me that Mama was right.
Whether she was right or not, I couldn’t give up. I couldn’t, not with my baby depending on me.
Scared but determined, I put the vacuum cleaner away, locked up the house, and walked across the yard to the store’s back door.
For the rest of the morning I tidied up the store shelves and put away the shipment of packaged desserts. We generally ate lunch after the noon crowd had come and gone, but Sophie sent me to the storeroom early.
I plopped down in the chair at the table, glad to get off my feet for a few minutes. There was a package of saltines on the table. The end had gotten smashed so it couldn’t be sold, and it ended up in the storeroom for snacks. My stomach, empty since I’d thrown up earlier, was begging for some food. I had just ripped open the package when Val Stanton came in.
He’d been with Mike and the others. At least, he lived at the camp with them. But he hadn’t been there when they did things to me, and the next morning when they were all asleep he brought me into town, and he told me to go see Sophie.
So I wasn’t scared of him, even though he was another one of those tall men. He didn’t particularly like me, but he was decent to me. He treated me like a human being, like an adult who could make her own decisions.
Val looked at me now like it was decision-making time. “I hear—”
He could have hurt me before but hadn’t. So I trusted him enough to tell him the truth. “I’m pregnant.”
“I want to take care of you.”
That shocked me. It wasn’t his baby or his responsibility.
“You know, help with medical, make sure your baby is taken care of. Like an uncle, nothing else. A baby can’t have too much family, right?”
A baby sure could have too much family. My mama and Biter would be two too many.
Before I could disagree with him, Cara Bruin came in, followed by her brother and a woman I’d never seen before. Val stood up right away, and Cara placed herself next to him, close enough to make me wonder. But my thoughts didn’t get very far, because the room was choking full of people. Surrounded by Val and Cara and Mr. Bruin, all of them big people, I remembered what it had been like at the camp. My throat closed up with panic.
“Laleesha, this is Georgette, my wife,” Mr. Bruin said.
She shook my hand like I was a person worth knowing and murmured a hello. I couldn’t say a thing.
Mr. Bruin moved the chair Val had been sitting in closer to me, and his wife sat down. She smiled at me encouragingly.
I let out my breath.
“We want to help you,” Georgette said.
I looked from her to Val. Something wasn’t right.
“Me. And my baby.” How did they know? I hadn’t even told Sophie yet.
Val and Mr. Bruin exchanged a look. I didn’t like it. Not the way they knew too much about me, not how concerned they were with my baby.
“It’s my responsibility,” Val said stubbornly.
Mr. Bruin smiled pleasantly. “Many hands make light work.”
“More uncles for my baby.” The words slipped out of me, my tone suspicious. Whatever they wanted, it wasn’t just to help a single mother.
“It’s a sincere offer,” Val said.
Him I could understand. He felt guilty about what his biker friends had done.
But when Mr. Bruin started talking about resources and a foundation, it gave me the creeps. I knew what kind of help they’d give. I’d be a lab rat.
Val’s promise of a home wasn’t much better. I would never feel safe there, and I wouldn’t risk my baby with those people. Val could say all he wanted about the bad ones being gone, but no. Uh-uh.
Georgette touched my arm lightly. “It’s not either/or. You can take help from all of us.”
From all of them. None of them controlling me? I looked around at all their faces. They seemed willing to share in helping, which made me think they might not have bad plans for me and my baby after all.
Except Val said something that worried me a little. “The baby will need to learn her heritage.”
What heritage? What did Mr. Bruin know about some skeevy bikers’ heritage that he’d agree with Val about that?
But did any of it even matter? I’d have to tell Sophie I was pregnant. She’d been so sweet to let me stay with her, but a squalling baby was something different. Plus I wouldn’t be able to work all the time. And I’d need to go to the doctor.
Oh god. I didn’t want to have to go to the clinic. I wanted to go to a real doctor, where I wasn’t rushed in and out, and I could ask questions.
I didn’t want to go back to live with Mama either. She’d make me apply for assistance, and then she’d take my check. And Biter, he’d—
I couldn’t go back. I’d kill myself first. Living here, I’d gotten hope. Anything would be better than going back.
“What strings?” I asked them. “What do you want for your money?”
“Nothing,” Val said quickly. He gave Mr. Bruin a nasty look. “Neither of us, right?”
“You can’t have my baby,” I said flatly.
I was a little relieved that Val seemed to be on my side. Mr. Bruin I didn’t know about yet. He and his wife looked real nice, but they had money. Their clothes weren’t flashy, but they had that expensive look. Both Georgette and Cara had that cared-for look. You know, soft skin, perfect nails, silky hair.
So what made these people want to help me?
When Georgette leaned over to hug me, her delicate floral perfume wafted up. It smelled expensive.
“No one’s going to take your baby.” Georgette gave Mr. Bruin a look.
“I promise not to take your baby,” he said.
“I won’t take your baby,” Val said, “and I won’t let anyone else take her either.”
All these people interested in my baby tired me out. It made my head spin trying to figure out what they wanted. But the decision wasn’t hard to make. What other choice did I have? I couldn’t go back to Mama and Biter.
“I accept.”
Cara spoke for the first time. “If Sophie needs her room back, you can come live with me until we build you a cabin.”
I felt like I’d been kicked in the chest. For a minute all I could do was suck in my breath. Finally I was able to squeak, “My own cabin?”
“Of course.” Mr. Bruin spoke like it was no big deal. I guess it wasn’t if you were rich.
“Thank you.” That’s all I could squeeze out of my throat. My heart was so swollen with relief and hope that it crowded out every other part of my body.
Even after they were gone and it was just me and Sophie and customers, the gratitude and relief made me dizzy. Only one thing soured my happiness, and it was so unimportant and unreasonable for me to even think of that I felt ashamed of myself.
Still, it bothered me that it was Mr. Bruin who came and not Dominic.