THE HON. BOB HAWKE
PRIME MINISTER OF AUSTRALIA

Mr Hawke, is it true that interest rates will go up seventeen per cent?

I was unfaithful to my wife, yes.

Mr Hawke, seventeen per cent is appalling. How are people going to cope?

I’m not going to run away from it. It wasn’t just my own wife either. I was unfaithful to a lot of other people’s wives too.

Were you unfaithful to the electorate?

No, I was not unfaithful to the electorate.

What about Mr Punch?

No, I was not unfaithful to Mr Punch. As a matter of fact, I had a couple of words with Mr Punch before the third runway was announced.

What were those couple of words?

I’m not going to tell you what the couple of words were.

Could you tell us what one of the words was?

Well, one of them was ‘off’.

And what was the other one?

No. I’m not going to tell you what the other one was.

Mr Hawke, why did you spend last week on national television talking about your penis?

Talking about my penis?

Yes, your penis.

I didn’t talk about my penis last week on national television. What are you talking about?

Mr Hawke, with respect, you spoke about your penis on national television on Monday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday and Saturday nights.

Well, only indirectly, and I didn’t mention my penis on Tuesday night on national television. You go and check the facts.

Mr Hawke…

What’s your name?

Mr Hawke, with respect, why does the Prime Minister need to go on national television and, on the one hand, talk about his sexual prowess, and then make some pathetic attempt to woo women voters back by apologising for what he did in the past? What’s the problem? Is it psychological?

There is no psychological problem here. Certainly not. None whatsoever.

What’s the problem?

Well I am simply a very sensitive…a very, very sensitive…an extremely sensitive person.

Why do you get so emotional about Australia?

I love Australia. I think it’s a fantastic country. I think it’s far and away the best…Look, I was having a wee the other night, and I just happened to look down, and I thought, ‘What a marvellous, fantastic country this is.’ It’s just fantastic. It’s wonderful. I love it.

You cry a lot, don’t you?

I don’t think I cry a lot, no.

Mr Hawke, you cried on national television this week. Please.

Oh, I cry on national television, I don’t cry in private, but yes, sure, I cry a bit on national television.

Why?

Well, I’ve seen the trade figures, and I was aware that interest rates were going to seventeen per cent. Anybody would cry. It’s tragic. How people are going to cope I don’t know.

You get very emotional about women, too, don’t you?

I do get a bit emotional about women.

Why?

I empathise with women, my heart goes out to them. I’ve got a great deal of sympathy for women.

Why?

They’ve got no penis.

Mr Hawke, thank you.

Thank you, cock.