SENATOR BOB COLLINS
MINISTER FOR SHIPPING

Senator Collins, thanks for coming in.

It’s a great pleasure, thank you.

This ship that was involved in the incident off Western Australia this week…

The one the front fell off? That’s not very typical, I’d like to make that point. How was it untypical?

Well, there are a lot of these ships going round the world all the time, and very seldom does this happen. I just don’t want people thinking tankers aren’t safe.

Was this tanker safe?

Well, I was thinking more about the other ones.

The ones that are safe?

Yes. The ones the front doesn’t fall off.

If this tanker wasn’t safe, why did it have eighty thousand tonnes of oil in it?

I’m not saying it wasn’t safe, it’s just perhaps not quite as safe as some of the other ones.

Why?

Well, some of them are built so the front doesn’t fall off at all.

Wasn’t this one built so that the front doesn’t fall off?

Obviously not.

How do you know?

Because the front fell off, and twenty thousand tonnes of crude oil spilt and the sea caught fire. It’s a bit of a giveaway. I’d just like to make the point that that is not normal.

What sort of standards are these sea tankers built to?

Oh, very rigorous maritime engineering standards.

What sort of thing?

Well, the front’s not supposed to fall off for a start.

And what other things?

There are regulations governing the material they can be made of.

What materials?

Well, cardboard’s out.

And?

No cardboard derivatives.

Paper?

No paper. No string, no Sellotape.

Rubber?

No, rubber’s out. They’ve got to have a steering wheel. There’s a minimum crew requirement.

What’s the minimum crew?

Oh—one I suppose.

So the allegation that they’re just designed to carry as much oil as possible and to hell with the consequences, that’s ludicrous, is it?

Absolutely ludicrous. These are very, very strong vessels.

So what happened in this case?

Well, the front fell off in this case, by all means, but it’s very unusual.

But Senator Collins, why did the front fall off?

A wave hit it.

A wave hit it?

A wave hit the ship.

Is that unusual?

Oh yes. At sea? Chance in million!

So what do you do to protect the environment in cases like this?

Well, the ship was towed outside the environment.

Into another environment.

No, no, it’s been towed beyond the environment. It’s not in the environment.

What’s out there?

Nothing’s out there.

There must be something out there.

Look, there’s nothing out there—all there is is sea, and birds, and fish.

And?

And twenty thousand tonnes of crude oil.

And what else?

And a fire.

Anything else?

And the part of the ship that the front fell off. But there’s nothing else out there.

Senator Collins, thanks for joining us.

It’s a complete void.

Yes. We’re out of time.

The environment’s perfectly safe. We’re out of time? Can you book me a cab?

But didn’t you come in a Commonwealth car?

Well yes, I did.

What happened?

The front fell off.