THE HON. ALEXANDER DOWNER
LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION

Mr Downer, thanks for coming in.

Pleasure. You don’t want to talk about the republic do you?

Yes, I do really. Why?

Let’s not talk about the republic. I’ve been doing it all week.

Hang on, Mr Downer. This is the major political issue confronting this country.

What about the government decision against worm-rot? There are plenty of other things to talk about.

Like what?

I’ve just listed some of them. There are plenty of them.

You mentioned the government decision against worm-rot.

There’s another one. There are tons of them.

Why don’t you want to talk about the republic?

Because I’ve got to argue against it.

But you are against it, aren’t you?

Who watches this program? Have you got the demographics there?

Yes. (Indicates piece of paper.)

Let me see. (Looks at the piece of paper.) Oh yes, I am totally against a republic.

But of course some of those older people will have gone to bed by now.

In that case I favour the republic.

You support the idea of Australia’s becoming a republic.

Well I’m forty-three, I’m a bit caught here. A lot of my parents’ generation are quite upset by all this republican talk and a lot of younger people think differently. Now, obviously I can’t talk to them both at the same time.

Sure you can.

Well, I’d like to say to the older people in the Liberal Party that Mr Keating wants to do away with the Queen and install some grubby little left-wing system of his own because, of course, he wants more power. He’s got no respect for the traditions of Australia’s long-standing and very honourable connection with the British royal family. All stand please now for the anthem. (Sings ‘God Save the Queen’.)

Now, you younger people. Gidday. I’m Alexander Downer, the funky new head of the opposition, the dangerous bunch of radicals who are against the government. We inhale but we don’t smoke. This is your future we’re talking about here and it’s very important that you know what’s going to happen. There’s going to be a referendum and you’ll all get to vote about whether or not we want our head of state to be somebody from another country, or whether we want to be independent and responsible for our own destiny. Think about it. Cowabunga dudes. (Sings the French national anthem.)

What do you really think?

I think it’s inevitable.

You think we’re going to become a republic. Why don’t you come out in favour of it?

I’ll lose the party. I can’t afford to do that.

But you’re not a monarchist. Why did you come out against a republic?

Well, look. There’s a bigger issue. Who’s going to run a republic? That’s my concern. We don’t want Mr Keating running the republic.

Why not?

You can’t trust him.

Why not?

Well he tricked me into supporting a monarchy and I’m a republican. And I’m the leader of the opposition. What chance have ordinary people got?