THE HON. JOHN HOWARD
PRIME MINISTER OF AUSTRALIA

Mr Howard, thanks for coming in.

Hang on, I’m not quite ready.

I’d just like to talk to you about the Wik decision.

Hang on. I’ll be with you in a minute.

You’re going to extinguish Native Title, aren’t you?

Whoops, good grief. Hang on, I’m sitting on something. What’s this thing?

Oh I’m sorry, that’s my pen.

It’s yours?

Yes. I must have left it there.

I think this is mine, isn’t it?

Can I have a look? No, that’s mine.

I just sat on it.

Yes, but it’s my pen.

It’s yours?

Yes.

Why aren’t you using it, if it’s yours?

What do you mean ‘using it’? It’s my pen.

Yes, well you’re not using it.

I don’t need it at the moment, Mr Howard. I’m talking to you.

Well, you don’t need it then. I’ll have it.

I’ll need it later.

OK, I need it now. I’ll have it.

Look, you can use it.

You want me to use it?

Yes, that’s OK. You can use it. We can both use it.

We can both use it?

Yes.

OK. It’ll be mine then.

Why is it yours because we both want to use it? You’re not using it now.

Yes I am, look at this. (He writes.) ‘This is my pen. It is nice.’ I’m writing, look at this. There’s writing coming out the end of it.

That’s not what it’s for.

Not what it’s for? Of course it’s what it’s for. What else can you do with a pen?

Do drawings.

You do drawings with it?

Yes.

Writing’s more important than drawing. I’ll keep it.

No, it’s not. I’ve always done drawings with it.

Yes it is. Writing’s more important than drawing. I’ll keep the pen. That’s settled. What was your question? Wik? Native Title?

What if I want to do drawings?

Well, you don’t, do you? You’ve just said you wanted to talk to me.

Why can’t we share the pen?

No. Too much uncertainty.

What do you mean ‘uncertainty’?

Well, I wouldn’t own it that way, would I?

Why should you own it? It’s my pen.

We’ve just been through that. I want to use it, you’re not using it at the moment. I’ll have it, thank you. Let’s get on with it.

Why can’t we both use it?

Why do you want it at all? You’re not using it.

It belonged to my grandfather.

All right, I’ll give you a couple of bucks for it.

Hang on. Mr Howard, I’m not interested in the money. Surely we can both use a pen. You want to write with it, I want to do drawings. What’s the problem?

Too much uncertainty.

Why do you keep saying there’s uncertainty?

Listen, I don’t want to hear a lot of drivel about some mystical semi-religious historical connection with the pen. I need to use the thing.

I need it too, Mr Howard.

To do drawings?

Yes.

What do you do for a living, son?

I do drawings.

Well, you can get another job can’t you?

Where? What other job?

Can’t you get a job writing?

No. Why should everybody have to get a job writing?

Why can’t you get a job writing? What’s the matter with you? Is there something wrong with you?

Mr Howard, what I do is drawings.

You’re bloody hopeless I reckon, you people, you’re bloody hopeless.

Mr Howard, it would be quite easy to share the pen.

No, it wouldn’t.

Why not?

Because I’m not going to bloody do it, that’s why.

On what legal basis can you make that claim?

Do you speak Latin?

Yes.

Finders Keepers.

Mr Howard, that pen is important to me. It’s part of my heritage.

It’s part of mine too.

It belonged to my grandfather.

I’m going to give it to my grandson.

I don’t see why we can’t share it.

Too much uncertainty. We’ve been through all that. What did you want to ask me about?

I was going to ask you about extinguishing Native Title.

Oh shut up, I’m sick of you.

Mr Howard, thank you for coming in.