Thanks for your time.
Take a number, will you? I’ll be with you in a minute.
You’re one of Australia’s leading bankers.
Yes. Just take a number, son. I’ll be with you as soon as I possibly can.
How many banks do we have in Australia?
There are three or four of us operating in what is technically described as the banking sector. We’re all in—what’s that thing called?
Sydney.
No, no. It’s in the paper all the time.
Russell Crowe?
No. It’s where there are only a few of you and you’re pretending there are quite a lot of you and you actually control everything.
Competition?
Competition! We’re all in competition with one another.
So why have you closed my branch?
Is this an inquiry?
Yes.
Inquiries down the end there, son.
Well, is there anyone else I can speak to?
Someone else in the bank?
Yes.
No.
Why not?
He’s at lunch. Do take a number. I’ll get to you as soon as I finish doing this.
But hang on, who am I supposed to talk to?
Is this an inquiry?
Yes.
Inquiries down the end there, son.
It would be a lot easier, actually, if you could just answer my question.
Are you on the internet?
No, I’m not.
What you do is you go on the internet and you go to our website…
But I’m not on the internet.
You’ve got to be on the internet to go to our website.
But I don’t want to go to your website.
You can’t do your internet banking without going on the internet.
You need to go to our website.
Look, excuse me, I don’t want to do my banking on the internet. I want to go and do my banking at a branch.
Yes, well just take a number, son and go down there. I’ll be with you as soon as I possibly can.
There’s no one down there.
No one down at inquiries?
No.
But there will be when you go down there.
No, I mean there’s no one working down there.
That’s right. We’re a bank, son. We’re not here to provide light entertainment. How are we going to make a quid out of answering a lot of silly questions?
Listen, I can’t do my banking because you shut my branch and I want to know why.
You want to know why we shut your branch?
Yes.
That’s an inquiry. Take it down to inquiries.
Where am I supposed to do my banking?
Are you on the internet?
Is this an inquiry?
Of course it’s an inquiry. I’m trying to find out if…
Inquiries down the end there.
There’s no one there. I’m trying to help you, son. You want to know how to do your banking?
Is this an inquiry?
Of course it’s a bloody inquiry.
Inquiries down the end there.
I give up.
Yes, I worked that out. My question is where do I do my banking?
I’m sorry, I’m afraid all our usual methods of avoiding the issue are currently engaged. Your call has been placed in the toilet.