THE HON. JOHN HOWARD
PRIME MINISTER OF AUSTRALIA

Mr Howard, thanks for your time.

Pleasure.

You’ve announced a three hundred and sixty-five million dollars early childhood package.

Yes I have, Bryan. A very important initiative of great benefit to Australian families.

Yes. What is it?

Works out at a million dollars a day. Three hundred and sixty-five days, three hundred and sixty-five million.

Yes. How does it work?

Yes, hang on. I’ve got this written down somewhere.

The opposition has dismissed this as a pre-election bribe.

They would, wouldn’t they.

Why?

Because we announced it in response to their pre-election bribe they announced the other day.

So theirs is a pre-election bribe but yours isn’t?

Here you go. ‘This is based on the twin concepts of social cohesion and early intervention.’

What does that mean?

That means those are the two central elements in the plan.

Social cohesion and early intervention?

That’s right. Cohesion. ‘Co’ meaning ‘with’; co-venture, co-operate, co-mbine.

Combine?

Yes. To join something with something else.

Cohesion?

With hesion.

With hesion?

Yes.

There hasn’t been enough hesion?

There has been insufficient hesion, Bryan, in early childhood for some time.

And early intervention. What does that mean?

That means not intervening too late. There’s no point in intervening too late. If you’re going to intervene too late you might ask yourself whether it’s worth intervening at all.

In what?

In anything. This is the thing about intervention.

If you’re going to do it, do it early.

That’s the key point.

Yes, but why intervene at all?

In early childhood?

Yes.

We believe it’s the best way to get in there and make sure there’s enough hesion.

What exactly is hesion?

I don’t know. This would all be done by experts.

Hesion experts?

Hesionologists will be airlifted in, Bryan, into those areas of early childhood.

Where the hesion has been lacking?

Where there has hitherto been a paucity, yes, of hesion.

Mr Howard, can free trade be explained like this?

There are some problems with logic and free trade.

Why?

Because it’s not free and there are certain respects in which it’s not trade and we’re not entirely sure it’s going to happen at all.

What about aged care?

Look, I’ll be right. I’ve got parliamentary super.

Thanks for your time.

Precisely.