OK. Our next contestant. Your name is Peter?
Yes, that’s right, yes.
What do you do, Peter?
I’m a treasurer.
A treasurer. My, that must be an interesting job, is it?
Yes, it can be a bit repetitive sometimes. I actually wouldn’t mind becoming a prime minister at some point.
Well good luck, Peter. Your special subject tonight is right-wing incidents in the life of Christ.
That’s correct.
Your time starts now. Name one right-wing incident in the life of Christ.
He threw the money lenders out of the temple.
Can you be more specific?
Yes. He went into the temple and there were money lenders there and he became very angry and tipped their tables over and told them they were usurers and threw them out; biffed them out of the place altogether; threw them out of the temple.
What I meant was, how was that a right-wing thing to do?
Yes, I see. It probably isn’t, is it?
Can you think of anything else, Peter?
Yes. He fed four thousand people at one time by sharing food.
How much did he charge for that food?
No, he didn’t charge for the food, Bryan. He shared his food. They were hungry and he broke up food. It was loaves and fishes. You’ve probably heard the story.
I know the story. I’m trying to find the right-wing element in feeding people who need food.
Yes, I see. There probably isn’t one, is there? He healed the sick.
Yes.
But actually I think he probably did that for nothing. In fact, I think he probably did that because he loved mankind.
It’s not really a right-wing mantra, is it?
It’s not a central tenet of capitalism, the laying on of hands, no.
He made the lame walk, too, didn’t he?
He did, and he forgave the people who killed him.
Did he stick any people in detention centres?
Oh, no, I don’t think he would have approved of that at all. He got one bloke up from the dead. A bloke was dead and he made him walk.
This is Lazarus?
Lazarus. Yes. He healed him completely. I don’t think he would have approved of putting people in a detention centre, no.
Peter, would you like to reconsider your special subject tonight; right-wing incidents in the life of Christ…
No thanks. I’ll think of something, Bryan. I’ll have to come up with something sooner or later.
Why is that?
Oh, for this other project I’m working on.
You’ve snookered yourself a bit here, Peter, haven’t you?
No, Bryan. I know! He said at one stage it would be as difficult for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven as it would be for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle.
Oh, I’ll have to check that with the adjudicator, Peter. Hang on. Can we accept that? Yes, sure. Hang on, I’ll ask. Peter, what is your net worth?
(Peter is appalled and realises he cannot win.)